Thighs Wide Shut

Shutter Island
The Island of Doctored Morose
Official Website | Trailer & Mo

Remember when the trailer for Marty Scorsese‘s Shutter Island dropped on an unsuspecting world last summer? We hadn’t seen such obvious plot divulging since the olden days when trailers practically gave everything away including the kitchen zinc! Stop here if you haven’t seen the aforementioned trailer, stop in general if yer thinking about running off to the theater to see this. According to said trailer, the big question is who was the 67th patient on Shutter Island (think Arkham Asylum on Alcatraz)? It doesn’t take someone smarter than a 5th grader to figure who unlucky #67 might be. Urgh! Even if you haven’t seen the trailer, it won’t take you long to discover who it is. And if you can’t figure it out early on, they hammer home the (not much of a) reveal over and over (actually there’s a lot of stuff repeated, including a lot of unnecessary Holocaust imagery), up until a point where you’d rather be committed to any other available mental institution besides this one that’s miles off the coast of Boston, although apparently not far enuff to lose that wretched accent at sea (damn you book writer Dennis Lehane!!!). Speaking of speaking with wretched accents, what’s up with Leonardo DiCaprio‘s? Every movie he stars in should ban words containing ‘sh‘ and ‘ch‘ sounds, cause the way he spits em out of his mouth is more grating than a cheese grater grating yer balls that’s greater than the size and smell of Grape Ape‘s dumps. Is Leo #67? Is Grape Ape?

Maybe 67 is Leo’s partner Mark Ruffalo, who has joined him on the island to investigate the disappearance of a patient, which may be Emily Mortimer or is it Patricia Clarkson? Are they #67? Is it the hospital administrator Ben Kingsley, who’s having more fun here than anyone else? Or his German sidekick doc Max von Sydow, having the second most amount of fun? Perhaps it’s warden Ted Levine (who played Buffalo Bill in Silence of The Lambs) or John Carroll Lynch (the Zodiac in Zodiac) or weaselly looned inmate Jackie Earle Haley (what a stretch for him!). Perchance it’s Leo’s dead wife Michelle Williams who haunts him more than this movie will ever haunt its audience. That’s right, there aint no scares, thrills, chills, bumps, mumps, German measles or anything, cept sum fantastic looking filming locales (see below) and an endlessly clawing Bernard Herrmannesque score that strikes a creepy tone the movie itself can never support. Maybeez the audience is #67?? Maybe, but who cares! The only thing we want to know is what is Heinz’ 58th variety?

Set Erector: like we said, one of the only things going for Shutter is the island itself. a thang of udder beauty, which was put together utilizing various forgotten Massachusetts spots, like the abandoned state hospital in Medfield, Peddocks Island, the mill in Taunton + good ole fashioned old fashioned set design

Verdictgo: the sets keep the match in game, barely, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Shutter stutters today at a theater new jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mister Foe
Oedipus Wrecks
Trailers & Mo

Hallam Foe (Billy Elliot‘s Jamie Bell) is unwilling to let the memory of his mother’s suicide by drowning go (no more rhymes, we mean it, anybody wanna play Scene It?). The tragic event has stunted his growth, as he’s filled his adolescence of solitude with a lotta tom foolery and peeping tomage. To make splatters worse, he suspects his father (Ciarán Hinds, secretly the world’s greatestist actor) of having something to do with her untimely death, so he could take a new wife (welcome back Claire Forlani). Father, stepmother and son can’t live in harmony together, so Hallam has no choice but to escape this life and start a new one in Edinburgh. There he spots a cutie patootie bidness lady (hottie Sophia Myles, one of the only redeeming bits and NSFW pieces of Art School Confidential), who eerily resembles his mother, and it sparks a disturbing chain of events that will draw the two of them closer together. Presenting a perverse love story with flawed characters is nothing new for director David Mackenzie, especially if you’ve seen his Young Adam (where Ewan McGregor flung a lotta food on a nekkid Emily Mortimer [NSFW]), and once again, while it all may be a bit uneasy to watch, with no characters to really root for, you can’t help but be sucked into the film that’s filled with fantastic performances (including Jamie Sives, Maurice Roëves and the always incomprehensible Ewen Bremner) and one killer soundtrack (Franz, Clinic, Sons and Daughters, etc). Hallam Foe reminded us a lot of Max Fisher from Rushmore. They are both motherless misfits, who get way too emotionally in over their heads with an older woman, get burned, but in the process grow up. These aren’t average tales of teen rebellion, but then again, those teen characters aren’t very average to begin with, and that’s what makes both of these flicks stunningly complex and compelling

We Wanna Befriend This Foe: although she’s barely in the movie, playing Hallam’s sister, model turned actress Lucy Holt has juss replaced Torry as our #1 fantasy option

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peeping Tomers

Ping Pong Playa
& Everybody Wants To Be Italian
Ethnic Slurries
Ping Pong Trailers & Mo | Italian Trailers & Mo

If you see two comedies this year, whatever you do, DO NOT LET THEM BE Ping Pong Playa and Everybody Wants To Be Italian. If you took a dump and threw it on screen, it would be fleventeen times funnier than both of these movie combined. Italian-Playa are so downright humorless that they make Christopher Guest’s overhyped-underipe misfire For Your Consideration look about as Oscar worthy as Idiocracy’s Ass, which took home 8 Oscars in the year 2505, including best screenplay. You know how a lotta DVDs include deleted scenes? Well Italian-Playa are two movies filled with nuttin but deleted scenes. They’re so rotten and lame-stream that they feel like failed TV pilots that no one would ever bother to make cause they’re about as original as Kennedy Fried Chicken. Italian is by far the wurser of the two evils, and that’s purely based on the runtime (don’t think we needed 4 scenes of nuttin but early morning jogs). It’s a romantic-‘comedy’ that’s aiming to be the Tuscan-American version of My Big Fat Greek Snooze Fest, but it’s more like going to the Olive Garden for authentic Italian food. The biggest names in the cast are supporting players Laverne, Dan Cortese of MTV Sports fame, Fletch’s editor and Carl the Janitor from The Breakfast Club. Did we lose you already? If we didn’t, then czech out the previous [NSFW] work of its star Cerina Vincent, who played the Shannon Elizabethish naked foreign exchange student in Not Another Teen Movie. As for Playa, it was a huge personal disappointment for us since we’re such big fans of doc director Jessica Yu (In the Realms of the Unreal and Protagonist). Yu is so out of her league here, handing in a poorly acted and constructed full-length narrative debut that leaves little left to be desired for whatever her next fictional project may be. She woulda been better off making a documentary about Ping Pong instead. Many of you loathed last year’s Balls of Fury (we didn’t), and if that’s the case, you might as well swear off ping-pong flicks for the rest of yer life

The Story Is Utah: although this space coulda been reserved for Cerina Vincent’s NSFW work, we dug up this gem while putzin around the nets for Fletch’s editor, Theatrically Released Feature Films with Major Characters who are Latter-day Saints/Mormons

Verdictgo: both are Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous to the Crème de ^Menthe degree

Transsiberian
Strangers On A Train
Trailers & Mo

Emily Mortimer is adorable and easily startled (and also a Non-Us Hottie), Woody Harrelson is nutty, Kate Mara looks like a raccoon, Eduardo Noriega is smokin hot (love this pic), and Ben Kingsley is appearing in his 2184938219th film this year with his 1283982929th different accent. Put em all together with some heroin and matryoshka dolls on the world’s longest train that goes from China to the Hoth Systemeish parts of Russia and whats yous gets is a slow simmering, nice little thriller that’s sure to satisfy all the Ping Pong Playa haters out there

More Time With Mortimer: we LOVE Emily Mortimer!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three films join Transsiberian in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mister Lonely
Off The Wall
Trailers & Mo

Diego Luna (the more dreamy Y tu Mama-er in our opinion) has enough trouble juss being himself, so by day he works the streets of Paris as a Michael Jackson impersonator. Although he’s got the costumes and all the right MJ moves down pat, he doesn’t speak the language and has trouble fitting in with the rest of society. That is until he crosses paths with a faux Monroe, played with heart-breaking bestness by Samantha Morton (is there any better set of eyes in acting today?), who whisks him away to a kooky, yet friendly neverland colony of other impersonators (Abe Lincoln, James Dean, the Three Stooges, Madonna, etc), which is run by Morton’s husband, an asinine Charlie Chaplin mimic (their screen daughter is actually played by Morton’s real life daughter Esme, who also has the same set of piercing eyes). In a seemingly unrelated side story, director Werner Herzog plays a priest guiding the light of a bunch of flying nuns (maybe they’re Sally Field impersonators?). Wha?

So what do all these shenanigans add up to? On the surface it sounds like a movie that’s weird juss for the sake of being weird, and in fact it is, but it’s also one of the more brilliant films we’ve seen in quite awhile. Korine’s movies are hard ones to recommend without reservations, but for those with an open mind, you’ll find it to be earnest and endlessly hilarious, although we can’t we still can’t tell if it’s intentional or not

Good Cover Version: what do Sophie Ellis Bextor, Elton John, Robbie Williams, Liam Gallagher, Phil Collins, Kylie, David Bowie, Bjork, Bono, Missy Elliot, George Michael, J-Lo, Paul McCartney, Craig David, Tom Jones, Keith Richards, Kurt Cobain, Rod Stewart, Meat Loaf, Cher, J Kay, Brian May, Mick Jagger Gary Numan and Jarvis Cocker all have in common? They’re impersonators star and sing in Pulp’s video for ‘Bad Cover Version’ [PulpWiki]

Recycled Linky Poo: we posted this a week or so ago, but now it’s more apt… Who Korine would like to be

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Son of Rambow
Kids Film The Darndest Things
Trailers & Mo

Family Ties: the minor role of Danny is played by Sam Kubrick-Finney, son of Anya Kubrick, who’s the daughter of Stanley. Here’s a pic of young Danny with his ma [wiki]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Redbelt
Martial Broken Law
Trailers & Mo

Off The Street Fighting Men: czech out the Street Sports Jiu Jitsu blog run by Mamet’s own BJJ master, film consultant and bit actor Renato Magno

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

all three flicks open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Nanny McPhee
Phee Your Mind & Your Ass Will Follow
View Trailer

I may hate the cartoons (and the carpoons) and the movies with the clay (and westerns, and the cartoon claymated western triple lindy combos), but I’m a sucker for any other kinda kid movie that is kinda DARK in tone AND hasn’t been farted outta Disney’s arse, although I still kinda wanna see Disney’s The Kid only cause Mortimer’s in it!!! Harry Pothead, LOVES IT!! Narnia, not so dark, but LION IS JESUS AND JESUS IS LORD, or something!! Lemony’s Snizzle, in Emily Browning we still thrust (and where’s the effin mcmuffin sequel, yo?)!!! The list doesn’t go on and on, but all those mentioned kinda sorta maybe sorta kinda has one thing in commons: theys kinda sorta look like Tim Burton movies (and that’s a good thing): Potter = Sleepy Hollow, Narnia = JESUS IS LION!!!, Lemony = Edward Scissorhands, and our latest deli-icious DARKishish kish kash kids flick, Nanny = Big Fish. This theory hasn’t been proven, but Good Will Hunting fingered it out on a chalkboard and now he’s banging Minnie Driver and curing Mork’s ills and liking DEM apples, YO! But enuff about algebra and the Pythagorean Theron and why my johnson is so large!!! Nanny McPhee is, in a word, fun. Not some grandiose, highfalutin grizzle-grazzle shrimping expedition, but an enjoyable lil thing you can enjoy with your child, the kid you kidnapped, or with yourself, hispecially if yer a freakazoid like me who loves child actors (add Sam Honywood to that list) but not in the way that yer thinking, but every time I mention loving child actors, the FBI, CIA, the Kremlin, the Mossad, Hamas, Hummus, and the Tsatziki squad all spy on me and put things in my food that make me sleepy and make me admit things like how I once made love to a cheeseburger!! Annnnnnnnnnnnywho, if you love Emma Thompson looking like something I eggstracted from my dingleberries last week, the REAL Mr Darcy, Renton’s fuck buddy [NSFW], Vera Drake looking like Wendy of Wendy’s fame, THAT hella-dorable kid from Love Hactually, and Jessica FORKIN Fletcher, then I bet you’ll do a bit more than crack a smile at this lil delightful trifle of a truffle shuffle shovel my Hope Sandoval!!! Hollywurst, make more dark kiddie fare that isn’t cartoon or clay or my future Thighlings will never see anything until they’re PG-13.

Possible Porno Name: Poo-Nanny For Free

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mary Poppins

Further Fun: Nanny McP has warts, and in her honor, here be the mos memorable wart dialog eggschange of balls time…

Anita: I’m Anita Hoargarth.

Uncle Buck Russell: [staring at Anita’s wart] I’m Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell’s wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I’m… I’m the wart. She’s my tumor. My… my growth. My… uh, my pimple. I’m Uncle Wart. Just old Buck “Wart” Russell. That’s what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They’ll call me that. “Melanoma Head’s coming.” I’m s… uncle! Maisy Russell’s uncle!

Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Meta Physically Draining
View Trailer

I’m all for films that break the 4th wall, and dig deep into self-referential land, but it doesn’t always work. Remember Nederbergh’s Full Frontal? Of course you do, I mentioned it yesterday and that was like taking a dump on yourself and the only napkin you have is Brian Pepper‘s tongue!! DR POOPERS!!! While Cock & Bull, the story about the filming of a story that’s un-filmable, doesn’t sink that low, since it was bovioulsy well thought out and enlisted the franztastic talents of a who’s who of modern British actoristocracy, but to me it juss didn’t register. The jokes kinda fall flat, and unfortch this time, the British charm couldn’t make up for it. Think of Cock as 5th rate Adaptation and you’ll starting to understanding what I’m spraying. Or better yet, it plays out more like a lackluster episode of Ricky Gervais’ Extras (oh wait, they were ALL lackluster), which also happened to co-star Ashley Jensen. But maybe I’m wrong, as I’m often not, but other peeoples in the theater were cracking up. Meethinks they either get laid too much or think Wedding Crashers is the new European Vacation, and if anyone thinks that way, they should be hung by their grundle hair and beaten in public with boxes of generic cereal from Publix!!! And although I have more loathing than a loafer who’s wife was juss boned by a loaf of bread, I still gots mad love. Mad love for director Michael Winterbottom, who is kinda like a mini-Stanley Kubrick (not looks, but broad-range of genre tacklin… juss go and Netflix ANYTHING by him, or Kubrick for that deli matter!). Mad love for super best Steve Coogan, although Cock is the more of a Rob Brydon coming out party for us Yanks. And mad love for Shirley Henderson‘s voice, Ian Hart’s ears, Naomie Harris’ smile, and Jeremy Northam’s Jeremy Northam, who before this, seemed to have disappeared into Springfield’s Mystery Spot along with Ozzie Smith.

Possible Porno Name: Jizzum Candy: A Cock and Balls Story

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the film within a film mastereesespieces Day For Night

Further Fun: Read all 9 volumes of The Life and Opinions of Tristam Shandy, Gentleman, or take a peep at Playboy‘s centerfolds from 1953 to 2001… good luck finding the articles that are SFW

Oh yeah, wondering who the fork Elizabeth Berrington is? She was the preggers bird on the UK Office Christmas Special.

And oh yeah, before there was Knightley, there was Kelly MacDonald. K-Mac, I LOVES YOU SHLONG TIME!!! Please leave Dougie and work my crotch like Working Title does films!!