The Chronicles of Narnia:
The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
The Least Gory Allegory of Anno Domini
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Not one of yous or thems or Will Demps will walk out of the theater and spray, 'That sucked!' or ' Narnia shmarnia! ' or ' I'd be lion if I said that that was good! ' or 'I liked it better when they called it GhostDad!' , or 'Have you met my friend, Adolf Oliver Nipples?' No sir ebob you won't, you won't. And you aint will be no eithering neithering nor doing so cause the only thing that's missing in the first enthrallment of this bestdaptation of the cherry cherished CS Lewis novels is that Requiem For A Dream/LOTR:Two Towers song [d-lode] playing on an endless loop. It's so worth yer $6.21 (the 2004 nat-avg) that I'm not gonna even waste your time by mincing my words wincing my mords. So, in the vains of my HellBoo and Van Helsucks revues, here's how eye deconstruct the DNA kiss and make-up of TCoN:TLTWTW...
The things we so heart about LOTR
such ass...
silly helmets!
evil people who look like they
were pooped outta someone's butt!
2+ hrs of a New Zealand
tourism commercial!
& of course
old scraggily white dudes wit beards!
+
P-Bride's
equally green pastures
lush costumes
and posh pageantry
[pic via CLICK ME]
+
Brilliant(stain Bears)
CGI
NOT CGBooed Urns
by ILucasMucas
(although Qui-Gon is the new Jesus)
+
A: Tilda Swinton
as
Imperial Majesty Jadis/
The White Witch
Q: Who is the mos wickeded
screen bitch since Faye Dunaway
handed out wire hanger abortions
in Mommie Dearest?
+
Thumbing thru
les pages of
while fingering a fish bowl of Jell-O
+
The mos British
mos cutest
looking cute British cast
of lil cute British lads and lasses about!
including, quite possibly,
the best name of the year
Skandar Keynes
+
A Christian Rock sdtrk
disguised as Enyaesque
New Age shit
which still isn't as awesome
as 'Our Awesome Gawd'
[d-lode, AGAIN]
+
the coolest pack
of talking animals
this side of Chuck E. Cheese's
house band
The Pizza Time Players!
+
a fork lode more
but I is too tired to carry on!!!Recommended for those who like:
Mark Renton's pa-pa, animal cruelty that's almost as cruel, but not as intolerable as
Intolerable Cruelty, and
faux Deep Roys,
Possible Porno Name:
The Cockcicles of Hornyia: Laying The Bitch On The WhoredrobeUnsatisfied with this? Go to Church and read the Bible if this thing isn't
Jesusfied enuff for ya! [b-andre-ware the audio]
Further Fun: I never read a single word of the septilogy until 2 weeks ago. However, when I was a wee master in thighsing, and was forced into going to the ye olde public library (what's a library?) by me mumsy, I used to stare at these magical covers for hours. Some say best mt everest, I say best mt vesuvius!!
