Thighs Wide Shut

So hows comes we’ves nevers seens Sarah Jessica Parkers & Mitch from Real Genius in the same bat room, at the same bat time?

You mean joe greene to tell me that telegrams hadn’t already gone the way of funny American sitcoms? And that Falkor’s sister isn’t already a US citizen? Shiz is gonna be a tuff task considering Fantasia is apart of the Axis of Evil.

A Gorillaz/Madonna penta-et (that’s like a duet, but for 5) will open the Grammys with 7 minutes of bang, and then the rest of the show will be 203 minutes of whimper. And why can’t we let Borat [vid] host everything?

Freaking of Borat Sagdiyev, sucks to be the British ambassador to Kazakhstan right about now, hispecially when you have to defend his humoristic merits of British racism to the people being racilisted against

Breastest home video news, until the announcement of the Twin Peaks season 2 discs: two-disc special editions HD DVD AND standard DVD releases Clockwork Orange, The Shining, 2001: Space Odyssey and an UN CUT VERSION of Eyes Wide Shut will be released later this year. Dats the news Ebert‘s been waiting ages for, for he’s been love jonezin for that lost ark of beatoff matz [source]

Jodie Sweetin a Meth addict? I guess someone had to buy Tical 2000 : Judgement Day [via Syntacular]

Reservations. Candlelight. Table Side Service. Valentine’s Day. White Castle?!?!!? Mankind has just jumped the shark… and I’ll see there! [via BRAWNY IFOCE FUTURE SUPER CHAMPION MAN]

You my friend, is no Alfred Hitchcock, and you my Malkovich aint no Kubrick, and Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.

Lindsay Lohan’s Lost Diary, is nothing but 347299553 pages about her being coo-coo for my huge-huge co-cock. Lettuce hope it does see the light of day, but not starring Michael J Fox or Joan Jett [via Navi the Elbirret]

Belated conflatulations to the mother of my children for her Outstanding Choreography nomination for work on a local ghetro production of Kiss of the Spider Woman [source]

MoMA’s gonna be a SCREAM come late Feb when there’s MUNCH to do about nothing

Gnarls Barkley

The commercial is still MIA, but Jhoon Rhee still fights for right. And for all the lizadies out there, this stud’s for you

[via SkunkI via the Dollar]
DAVE KRIEG RULES… in the fumbles department!! Ah, to be a Bears fan in ’96, when DK was kickin it and fumble apprentice Rashaan Salaam was his RB

AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh, HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh!

I’m an XL and my addy is:

Thigh Master
c/o Amblin Entertainment
123 Anywhere St
Thighland, Thailand Killah Hills 10304

Somesbody please take a thing and get Sean Paul’s ‘We Be Burnin’ [d-lode] straight outta my head and into my car a jar

Cool is having you sitting on my face

Awesome is when your TV sister is giving me a mustache ride… in 3+ years time

Something not to poop on: Triumph The Insult Comic Moonlighting As TV Weatherman In Hawaii

Is the saying “Beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer, never fear” physiologically accurate?

Fender to Kitty, ‘Hello!’

Wolf Howl Animal Peserve’s Wolf T Shirt Long Sleeve [via Kruisemanko]

IFILM’s Viral Video’s Best of 2005’s

Thighs wide Shut

I guess I can scratch this one off for Hot Cross Buns Friday: 57 Hines Ward

Bad Candy AND Bad-Candy AND Bad Video Game Covers [via Tededore | Data Que?]

And I’ve got my mind set on [aud] replacing Coyle (the soon to be William Henry Harrison of her Her Royal Thighnesses)

But I’ve also got my mind on the Shroud of Torino Winter Olympiad, where I predict that

Michael Essany
&
Meathead’s
cousin
Jan Michaelis

is an 8pt favorite
to becoming the
2nd becoming of
Simon Ammann
Swiss Ski Jumper Hero of Swissland
(but not to be confused with Swaziland)
of the Salt Lake Games
who had the single grate-ist
celebration
of
balls
time

YA GOLD!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
!!!

[watch the vid
2mins 40secs in
for all that jazz]

PEE ES – this FRIDAY at 11:59 PM IS THE HAPSOLUTELYE FINAL DAY TO SEND IN SUBMISSIONS for the Cornme in History Photochop super contest!!! Monday all entries (all 7 of them) will be posted and you will vote for who is supreme over-underlord, to me, Supreme Adobe Photoshop Commanding Vice Lord General Madine! Here’s an eggsample that I masterfullofitly did for you to choke on my genus bitches!!

go gettum gumshoes!!

and THIS JUST IN
although a day late
[via Metz]

o’ Nancy, u are so O’Best, so O’Brills, so Oh-some!!
O’y vey is the old new O-tay?

Coachella or
Bonnaroo or
Palooza
or Vans Warped Tour?
Hmmmmmmmm…

Yep, Wimpy’s wet dream cum tru: the In ‘n’ Out 100×100 Burger [via Thinkerville]

Streaking of, me bee leaves Popeye is the only known comic strip to begat TWO fast food dump holes: Popeyes (snatchurally) & Wimpy. (three if you include this Boston Cantina named after Ms Oyl)

Peace the ford escort out to 60 Minutes & on-screen graphics pioneer Arthur Bloom, and to the band whom I thought would own the 00s, but never lived up to their thumcrdible potentialble, like Lunchables, after the release of the opus The Sophtware Slump, Grandaddy. A moment of silence, followed by listenage to G-dad’s ‘AM 180’ [decaf or live, via GVB], which for some reason always puts me in mood to ransack a grocery store with huggdorable British black chicks twenty-eight days after stuff happens!!

And war the spoon in to solo side projects by The REAL FF’s Matt Friedberger!! Not that I don’t love sistah Fried, but me hath always desired to hear more of yer voice, and since Eleanor can only sing, and put her boots back on [d-lode via AVC vs AVP], I didn’t think this desire would have hathed!!

Gorillaz live in concert, or whatever you call it (hopefully I’ll see it at Coachella)

Got a 11-14 yr-ld boy or a 10-12 yr-ld girl with dreams of becoming Noah Baumbach’s next Chicken or Pickle? Crick here for casting call infos for Mr Squid/Whale‘s next spliff

Her Future Royal Thighness, Camilla Belle, wants to hear from you, AOL-IM: Jill020306 | phone numba: 1-877-467-7674… juss don’t tell her that she smells like poo

How did Rick Moranis’ country career slide thru the eyes and ears of the Thighs Spies and their spears?

Stranger Than Fiction?

Math that would make a TI-81 hexplode into two, aka two TI-40.5s:

Anderson Cooper + Richard Kind = Bill Kristol
1, 2, 3, Look at Mr Lee. 3, 4, 5, Oscar night, look for his hand to jive! Maybe now his Hulk will get the ‘spect it deserves (sands 10 min finale with Notle as Electro-Pointless-Man)

‘Mr Lee’ by The Bobbettes [d-lode via Punio]

And its sequel (WHAT?) ‘I Shot Mr Lee’ by The Bobbettes [d-lode on JSpence]

Together at last, hispecially for you idjiots who had no idea that the two were related: Citizen Kane & the Stripes homage ‘The Union Forever’

Remember the Alamo, and Corgan on ECW

Look out Nuclear Bob, cause yer reign as overweight facial hair guy with the killer tees may be over: Bruce Vilanch T-Shirt Watch

Apple’s home pages along the years [via Modern Rager Against the Coke Machine]…

and still, their finest achievement is not the iPod, but the Lemonade Stand game [which u can find 4 d-lode here]

and while were taking a bite into/out of the dumbestist computer brand that isn’t a Wang, and who has only sir-vived today cause of those iPod things (I mean, they JUSS figured out the whole right mouse button bestness), here the ad that’s more IN-famous than El Guapo [aud], the 1984 Ridley Scottiefied Macintosh Super Bowl commercial

Redskins fans… being Redskins fans [vid via Gulf on Sonkin]

Janet Reno rox out, and so does lil Doorbeller [vids via JJ Muldoon’s/Mod Squad, again]

What’s so great about the Dewey Decimal System?

‘The Godamned Dutch’, one of the two mos popular songs sung at IU (?), as sung by John Frushour [wtf via Newcomeallovermyface]

Tis be so awful that I shouldn’t even dignify it with a linky poo, (dave) butttttz: Lazy Monday [vid via Lohanjealous]

Sometimes love of hate is better than hate of love: $225 for an XFL He Hate Me Jersey

Widow of Death In Benihana Shrimp Toss Faults Restaurant [via Brawny Man]

Splinter was a man, and Mrs Peacock too? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! [2nd one an aud]

And although the love below is usually reserved for bouncy babes from here and abroad (oh lord, how i love dem broads!), doing tres hot things like getting licked by another woman, like Ms Pinder (appy polly lodges for the kinda sorta NSFW)

Today I would like to dedicate and entrusting all my usual pent-up en-thrusting behind the single white female greatestiest video logo to ever come from 1978, the WGBH one. You know which one I speak of, right? Its gots that noise thing that goes brudaddadoodadoo dad dooo dododdevvabvjfwssa!! Na? Well, if you’ve ever seen anything on PBS thats either boring, or boring, or both than you’ve heard that duhvavavdoo doouvavddooo noise thing!!! If not, here’s a snap of it, a link to the vid, and the aud file for your mp3/mash-upping pleasure (maybe mixed with Pat O’Brien, Rosie O’Donnell, and Howard Dean in an aural threesome to end all threesomes and things aural). Free tote bags for some, minature American flags for all!!

[vid | aud]
Right? duooouvdvadvav dobbiedadeovraad doom!

Pretty safe bet (like the Skins going to the NFC Championship next year, with Col Saunders) that I’m the only blozziggler out there under 29 years of age who last Sunday nite watched part 1 of 6 of PBS’ Masterpiece Theater‘s presentation of the newish BBC production of Charles’ Anti-Smite Dickintheasses’ Bleak House for the sole reason of feeding my Carey Mulligan obsession / compulsion by Calvin Clean. 98.7 percent of you probably still don’ts know who she is, cause either you didn’t see the KK the V’s Pride & P, or you did see it, but didn’t realize she was in it cause you were too wrapped up in Pikesville!! Well, 1 ep in, and not only is there mad CM cutie-pie screen time, but the effin production rocks more than pop rocks popping outta my cock that rocks!!! No doubt, since the BEEB also gaveth us the P & P mini-skirt/series with the one and only Mr Darcy, Colin Firthy RICH! Did I mention that Ewan McGregor’s uncle/WEDGE FROM STAR WARS was in it, and his character has the bestest name this side of Skandar Keynes, John Jarndyce?! It also stars that chick from The X-Files and Mona from My Summer of Love and Harry Pothead’s Uncle Vernon and many more, including this dude who’s like the British Crispin Glover. They’ll replay part 1 sometime before part 2 this Sunday, so check yer local listings and watch some dry boring British shit for change, eye gov’na? Anywho, I omitted one actor from the list above whom I love so dang much cause I wanted to do sum-tang special for him, and another bloke…

Thighs Wide Shut’s
SAG – HOF
(Screen Asshole Guild – Hall of Fame)
Inductees for 2006
UK/US
edish

Charles ‘Lets’ Dance & James ‘Bretton’ Woods
for eggcellence in screen assholeitude
as seen in such suchness as
Ali G Indahouse & The Golden Child
AND
Casino & Contact

Who you got for the ’07?

One more W Gary, and they may juss retire one of yer sweat-drained shirts when you retire!!

After peeping these snaps of B-Del-To as Che, me thinks the t-shirt image with some of that Conan lip shit woulda been a better casting choice. Not like it’s gonna be any good anylays, considering it’s the ex-Mrs Jules Asner’s project

On January 30, The Raconteurs (Jack White, Brendon Benson, and two other thugs) will release only 1k copies of their first single ‘Steady as She Goes’/’Store Bought Bones’. They should juss release one copy, and the internets will take care of the rest!!! [via Spin]

The love for Nelson never dies on Thighs: Nelson Detective Agency + bonus vid [via Drew Pict Hers]

89 Years of Vogue History… all dat hotness and still not as beatoffable as M’donna’s ‘Vogue’ video [via UMC & BM]

S T E E L E R B A B Y [via Crab Feast King]

fastr – a flickr game [via Met-i-cool]

Top Gun 2: Brokeback Squadron [vid via Daniel Brühl‘s stunt double]

The soap in the men’s bathroom at 60 Centre St smell like this. Justice may be blind, but last time I checked, they still had its sense of smell!!

And can you bee leave that Kayne West thinks he’s the second coming of Moses???? What, you didn’t see him on the latest cover of Highlights magazine? I guess you haven’t visited your local pediatrician or pediadentist’s office recently, eh? He may be a gold digger, but he aint a sea parter!!! Only C-Hes and his teeth are worthy of that!

Oh what, that cover too contra (up up down down left right left right B A select start) verse e al for ya? How bout the latest choice in Her Royal Thighness, Ms VI Warshawski??? Some claim she’s more chunky than Chunky A eating a box of Chunkys, or that her and Brian Pepper’s sister are lesbian lovers, but me donts care, cause me and my British da magic bomb shell are getting along swimmingly the english channel 4!!! We already have a nickname for the way we make love: Coyletus. And like the opposite of Trick Daddy [d-lode], the kids, love her!!

Hmm, photocorning my head on photos looks kinda fun. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!!!! ENTER OUR CONTEST OR BE FORCED TO READ ABOUT WHAT KIND OF POOP LINDSAY LOHAN HAD TODAY (corn poopie for the record) and EVERYDAY UNTIL HER BROTHER CODY STARTS TAKING FAMOUS DUMPS!!!

Ever sean Cube²: Hypercube, TV’s Invasion, or A Nero Wolfe Mystery with Timothy Hutton or Maury Chaykin? Didn’t sphinx so. Well, lemme me be the first to introduce you to the flyest blonde Saskatchewanian with a mark super DUPER long nose who gets paid to play William Fichtner’s fish of a wife: Kari Matchett (pronounced CAR-EE MATT-CHET). She kinda oddish exotica lookin, not in a Mary Lynn Rajskub kinda way, but more in the vein of Miranda Hotto. Anywho, I hearts her a lots. I want to INVASION her underpants! And no doubt, Sio Bibble agrees!!

Super Bowl XL, the battle of towns with shitty drinks: Starbucks vs Iron City Beer

Luna-tics [via ONTD]

Which coupling will last les longest: Braff & Moore, Yeoman & Davis, or Rooney & complaining? Tip: never bet against bushy eyebrows

Band interviews jump the shark

Ratu, the new tATu? Or is it Maureen?

Nice try SNL, but Young Chuck Norris is like a lazy Lazy Sunday on Saturday… or any skit involving Horatio Sanz

My mos flavorite spin-off site with only one post pt I:
Skeet On Willa

My mos flavorite spin-off site with only one post pt II:
Riders of Lohan

Helen Slater Supergirl costume = 0 bids [via Honey Rider]

Couple buy the Quicker Picker-Upper Diner, also gots a free DVD copy of Rosie’s directorial film debut, Can’t Stop The Music [via Brawny Man]

Biggest, mos footiest animated gif(t) of balls thyme

If you aint never been to the midwest, then you probably have never saved big money at MeNards, or heard their banjofied theme song [d-lode]

The Curse of the Neckbeard…

YTMNDawg: The Brian Peppers Song

Memories of a Panthers fan, including ‘the game with Travis where everyone was informed that we have herpes together‘

and PenguinMan & His Funny Songs

Donn’ts forget to PHOTOSHOP me in History!! Send entries now, or die like someone in a grave!

Hooray for Gay Cowboys and Michael Scott! Boo to neckbeards, housewhores [NSFW], and everything else that isn’t gay or Munich/Squid related! Hispecially the mos blandestist biopic mt everest/FUJI!!!

• The blog is dead, the list is not

• Les 1st photos of David Lynch’s latest straight story. Fobviously, not going to be as good as M Dr [NSFW] [other link via Whine n Chez]

• The Whites to turn yellow

• Coxon, forever a cockmuffin

• Bandwagon, like bigmouth, strikes again!

• Peep the trailer to the Lohag/Anna Stern eggstravaganza dubbed Just My Luck. Think it’ll suck or rock like Alan Ruck? I dunno, but I don’t think anyone should ever be touting this in a trailer…

• And on the flipsyde, here’s the trailer to Beowulf & Grendel… sadly NOT starring Scott Baiowulf [via Wang Computers]

• Cuthbest nude pic, fake, but I knows yer gonna click anywaysz [NSFW via Newbsy]

• DEV2.0 and their ‘Whip It’ vid [WinMe]

• Marissa was freed, but that shouldn’t stop one of yous from making tees of the lamest teen TV moment since ‘Donna Martin Graduates’!! And when you get em made, please send me an XL!

• The REAL When A Stranger Calls trailer [via Skeeter]

• Old, but seriously Apple, what the fork is this all about? STANKBunkONIA!!!

• To hell with Sufjan Stevens and to heaven with Basil Rathbone and Co!

• Chuck Norris Facts & Chuck’s ‘response’ [via Stefan Nopolous & the D-House of Boo]

• Jack Bauer wants his Calorie Mate NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!! [via NYMets]

• Lets give a hand… job, for Sophie Howard [NSFW… just dont bother looking at her face]

• The William Shatner DVD Club

• Freaks of Nature, Human Oddities, Prodigies, Anomalies, and Circus & Carnival Sideshow Performers

• I’ll pay you 4 bucks if you drink this

• Girls Don’t Poop

Back To The Future II:
THE TRADING CARDS!!
• Modern Renaissance News Personalities

• ThingsMyBoyfriendSays.com & ThingsMyGirlfriendAndIHaveArguedAbout.com [via Data Dazzler]

• Life Size Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite in LEGOS!! [via UMC]

• Topher’s Breakfast Cereal Character Guide

• These ‘party photos’ are not endorsed in any way by Thigh Master LLC

• Kung-Fu Hustlers

• Dakotyo Fannzilla [vid via Bella Vista Social Studyer]

• And the nose knows

pee es – me is going to Dublin for St Patty’s day!! Any lee suggs…gestions peep holes, besides humping Darby O’Gill‘s leg?