Thighs Wide Shut

6 Fast 6 Furious
Resurrection Intersection Erection
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 130 min

Dude, name me a movie franchise (BESIDES THE JAMES BONDies) that’s still going pedal to the medal in its 6th round.  NAME ONE????  (OK, maybe Star Trek, but Star Trek had so many duds, and they changed the cast multiple times over).  You can’t name one (OK, maybe the original set of Planet of The Apes movies, which are ALL SO GOOD, even the bad ones), and that’s why The Fast & The Furious series may (end up) be(ing) America’s greatest (dumb fun) movie franchise ever (besides the Jackass and Step Up franchisesezes).  You may laugh at that notion, but not even Star Wars could make fun happen 6 times.  Now I’m not saying that all (or any) of the Fast & Furious movies is are masterpieces (two of em are basically worthless – #3 & #4), but for what they are – they are amazing.  They are pieces of (metal) crap, but the F&F movies know this and feed on it, pushing the ridiculousnessness to new extremes each & every time, while actually trying to keep a straight face when doing so.  The result?   Endless laughter and excitement and awesomeness.  You can keep your Whedon Avengers, cause I’ll stick with Justin Lin‘s 6 Fast 6 Furious.  I’ll take a tank exploding out of a truck(!!!) AND a car exploding out of a giant plane (!!!!!) over Superheros ho-hum/humdrummingly destroying CGI buildings (for the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn^th time).  + I’ll take all the crummy dialog that goes along with it

So what’s Fast 6 Furious 6 about?  Do you even care?  It’s like 5, but MORE and BETTER, and even more DUMB and FUN.  But this one’s got Michelle Rodriguez BACK FROM THE DEAD!  HOWWW????  WHO CARES, SHE’S BACK AND SO FAST, AND SO FURIOUS!!!  And they got a good baddie (Luke Evans), and another lady who can kick, and has an ass (Gina Carano), and a super huge Danish dude (Kim Kold) who needs to play The Rock‘s friend or nemesis in every movie he’s in going forward.  But 6ast 6urious isn’t perfect.  They coulda trimmed off about 30 minutes from this thing (like what was with that scene where The Rock and Ludacris make some guy give them the clothes off of his back and his watch and stuff??), and The Rock has a little-lot bit TOO much testosterone for a movie that isn’t short of terone des testos, and that Asian guy is so boring and lame, and undeserving of touching or even looking at Gal Gadot, who doesn’t have nearly enuff nekkid shower scenes (total count – zero), but this is all minor quibble squabbles, which aint nothings to squabble quibbles about when THERE ARE VEHICLES EXPLODING OUT OF OTHER VEHICLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In its 6th iteration, the Fast/Furious franchise seems to be hitting its stride.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!??!?  And after the giant TEASE [spoiler, don’t click] they be showing no signs of SLOWING down for #7.  CANNOT WAIT!!!!  In all honesty, I hope they continue to make these movies for the next 100 years.  If I make it to 90 years of age, I’ll force my grandchildren to take me to see 22 Fast 22 Furious, but only if they drive slowly

Also, Tyrese Gibson is the secret weapon of this whole franchise.  Without Tyrese Gibson, you have nothing.  Tyrese Gibson is life.  Tyrese Gibson needs his own vehicle vehicle movie franchise –  Tyrese Tyfurious.  If there is a god, he will make that happen

oh, and THIS!

Verdictgo: this is a 92728 star movie, but we don’t do stars so it’s BEYOND BREAST IN SHOW!!!

6 Fast 6 Furious rules the streets and theaters near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fast Five
New Model, Same Make That Makes Our Day
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

Justin Lin‘s Five Fast Five Furious (what the film should really be called) is the best Fast/Furious film since #2.  Is that really saying much?  No, but like Prom, it’s eggzactly what it needs to be – fast cars and the lunkheads who drive them, hot woman surrounding them, and dialog so basic that it couldn’t even be written in Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code.  There was one scene in particular that took the cake, made us cackle for a full minute, and summaries the film and series as a whole:  Newbie/hottie Elsa Pataky has a case file in her hand and says ‘this doesn’t make any sense‘.  Her (also Fast rookie) superior  Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson takes the file in hand, sez ‘here’s what makes sense‘ and tosses it aside with much anger.  It so ridiculous that it almost must be seen to believed, and while udderly laughable, it’s eggzactly the kind of scene a Fast/Furious movie needs.  It’s a perfect self-reflexive moment of juss how testosteroned and over-the-top the whole affair is, and anything less would be uncivilized

So what’s new?  NOTHING, cept for the location, and the change is for the better.  The action takes place in Rio and its favelas, and even though this may not be no City of God, it’s a city of good… dumb fun.  Not only are Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster back behind the wheel, but so are there friends from the other installments like Tyrese Gibson (no one delivers more predictable and pathetic one-liners that audiences eat-up more than he does!), Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang, ultra fly Gal Gadot, Tego Calderon and Don Omar.  And what is this ‘dream team’ assembled to do?  Something like burn the dirty money of the Portuguese Phil Hartman (Joaquim de Almeida) or something, BUT WHO CARES WHEN THE CARS GO SO FAST AND THE WOMEN ARE SO HOT AND THERE ARE LIKE 3 TOTALLY WICKED RAD ACTION SEQUENCES, which are well worth the price of admission and admission that it’s OK to love refarted flicks like this.  RIDE ON!!!!

Fast Women: you already know about Israeli Gal Gadot (she’s like a taller, finer Natalie Portman!!)

but what about Spanish hottress Elsa Pataky?????

she’s far from tacky!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

5 is alive and well at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

No Strings Attached
No Frills Attached Neither
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We somehow survived whatever piece of $hit Garry Marshall’s Valentine’s Day was.  We never even thought we’d ever need to think about that putrid eye and ear sore again, but then another Ashton Kutcher rom-com came a calling, and well, we had to figure out if the new one was the same kind of $hit, a wurser kind or a better kind.  How bout none of a kind?????  That’s cause Ashton Kutcher as an actor is a joke that’s beyond no longer funny.  Had his role in No Strings Attached been played by someone else, even someone basic and whatevs like Bradley Cooper or Josh Lucas, then maybe it could have worked.  Wait a second, what the f%&k are we saying???  No Strings Attached doesn’t work cause there’s zero drama, originality and moist importantly, a romance we can all get behind and swoon over, regardless of how dumb it is (spoiler: guess what, the meaningless sex DOES have meaning!).  Yet somehow we didn’t hate this movie, but that’s probably juss cause it’s not Valentine’s Day II, and we didn’t have to watch Ashton Kutcher go toe 2 boo with Jennifer Garner again

There are many great mysteries in this world, and you can now add ‘why did Natalie Portman agree to star opposite Ashton Kutcher in a movie???‘ to that list.  No one would question the pairing if this was a charity tennis match, but it’s not, it’s a movie, and Portman juss came off of a brilliant one where she masturbates and is perfect, and Kutcher was in some commercial about a camera or something.  We saw the movie and we still don’t understand how or why Natalie Portman would ever do anything with Ashton Kutcher, professionally or amateurally.   And yet we didn’t hate it.  Maybe cause we got to see such fun actors as Kevin Kline, Olivia Thirlby (remember her???), Lake Bell (even if her face looks like Crispin Glover’s), Mindy Kaling, Ludacris, Abby Elliott, Jennifer Irwin and Cary Elwes not do too much, other than give us other people to look at and listen to that aren’t Ashton Kutcher

There was one name we didn’t mention and that’s ‘actress’ Greta Gerwig.  Yea, Ms Mumblecore isn’t a real actor either and this joke is also starting to get a lil ye olde.  But wait a second, what if Greta Gerwig was Ashton Kutcher’s love interest in No Strings Attached, or in anything for that splatter?!?!?!?!?  Wethinks we’re onto something here!!!  OMG, that would be the mostest perfect union disaster since the Union Carbide Bhopal disaster, but hell, we’d certainly want to see it, and we wouldn’t question anything about it, cause it would be like watching Juliette Lewis acting with a clone of herself!!!  Somebody call Gus van Sant and get him to make a shot by shot remake of No Strings Attached and have the awkwardness of Gerwig and the stoopidness of Kutcher run amok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Ivan Reitman directed this, and oh, it’s no Kindergarten Cop!!  and none of son Jason‘s movies are Kindergarten Cop neither!!

Lets Have A Krystal Ball!!!: Krystal Ellsworth, ells yea!!!

+ Ophelia Lovibond caught our eye & thigh in Nowhere Boy, and does again in Attached, and now we’re gonna stay attached to her 9ever!!!

Verdictgo: Little To Zero Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Attached detaches today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Don’t worry bout a thing lil Sasha Cohen, my sweet tits breasts anus naked butt thighs nude vagina hot camel toe poon tang clan heroes in a half shell pics (sorry, that’s purely for Googling purposes), Michelle Kwan still blows

BREAKING WIND NEWS!!!
Waffle House to Start Taking Credit Cards [via Brawny Man]
What’s next, horse on Venus?

Bestest actor who isn’t named Joseph Gordon-Levitt, yet has the bestest name: Burn Gorman. Where to catch em if you can: as that guy in Layer Cake and as Kenge and Carboys’ clouseauish clerk Guppy (another bestest name) from BBC’s Bleak House, which sadly will turn my house bleak wheneth it ends this Sunday on PBS. Seriously yo, I know it looks boring and stuff, like most things before 1950, but you should totally Netflix em when they are ready for Netflix. I mean, it don’t got much better than unsung underground secret future super hotness cuttie cute ness pie Carey Mulligan, dudes with crazy facial hair, smallpox, Wedge as John Jarndyce (I may juss have to change my name to Banning Cocq John Jarndyce the IVIIXXICLM of Westphalia), Janine Evans (nee Butcher), a 2006 inductee of the SAG-HOF (Screen Asshole Guild – Hall of Fame), a dude named Smallweed, a dude named Clamb, and GUPPY!!! Charles Dickens may have hated Jews, but he certainly had a way with names! GUPPY!!

Hairparently, they love stealing my snaps of Natty Lite tall boys (from ThighsBart’s B-Day) over there in Persia

All he wants is $2

And anyone else out thar ever wonder what woulda happened had Al Gore become president like he rightfully should of New Coke triumphed in the Cola Wars? Yeah, what if? And what if Theo Ratliff ate out Heathcliff (or that purty kitty Riff Raff used to bang)? Maybe NC pitchman Max Headroom woulda gotten head from Hedda Hopper‘s love child with Glenne Headly and Hedy Lamarr!!

1985 > 2006

[via eBayte]