Thighs Wide Shut

The Road to Guantanamo
Part Dramentary, Part Documama,
All Around Important Movie Rama Rama
Trailer
US Release Date – a limited one startin June 23rd
althoughs you can rent/own it NOW thru a UK site

Documamas rule! So does yer mother, but that’s another lay for another day. While somehow not totally as enthralling and leg breaking as the finest documama of this decade, Touching The Void, The Road to Guantanamo will still will pique yer interest, hispecially if yer a liberal media loving bastage like myself who aint no big fan of our country’s current terrorism policies and practices. Eye-openingly co-directed by my effin man Michael Winterbottom and not yet my effin man Mat Whitecross, Road recreates the real journey of three British Muslim friends who ended up in the mos def wrong place (Afghanistan) at the mos def wrong time (the beginning of the US’ war on the Taliban). After being picked up by a headhuntin hungry group of US soldiers, and not having any good reason for being where they were, they’re shipped off to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba for more mental and physical abuse than an evening at Joan Crawford’s. Btw, Guantanamo makes no sense at all to me. How is it possible that we have a military base on Cuba, a country we don’t even have any diplomatic ties to, besides probably any backlashin that may have occurred from Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. Look, I’m sick of seeing shaz about the war and terrorism and terrorists (unless it’s Cobra, duhvs course), and stoopid pointless movies like Jarhead, but if you should see this, and hate our gov’mint some (guantana) mo!

Recommended for those who like: borders without doctors, Afghanimation, and the improbable possibility of Ruhel Ahmed marrying Mercedes Ruehl and taking her last name to become Ruhel Ruehl

Possible Porno Name: The Road Into Laura San Giacomo‘s Crotch

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Midnight Express [trailer] or for mo thighs wide opening
Winterbottomness, ‘flix his franztastic In This World [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’ by Rockwell [d]

IMDb Sweeney: the Guantanamo scenes were filmed in our current Axis-of-Evil flavor of the month, Iran

Pumping Even Mo Irony: after returning from the Berlin Film Festival, two of the movie’s principle actors and the two actual people they portray were detained at a British airport

TFF Thighspotting: the lesser-known co-director Mat Whitecross, who hopefully was lucky enuff to do all the additional camera operation for the fucking scenes in MW’s 9 Songs [NSFW]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Nanny McPhee
Phee Your Mind & Your Ass Will Follow
View Trailer

I may hate the cartoons (and the carpoons) and the movies with the clay (and westerns, and the cartoon claymated western triple lindy combos), but I’m a sucker for any other kinda kid movie that is kinda DARK in tone AND hasn’t been farted outta Disney’s arse, although I still kinda wanna see Disney’s The Kid only cause Mortimer’s in it!!! Harry Pothead, LOVES IT!! Narnia, not so dark, but LION IS JESUS AND JESUS IS LORD, or something!! Lemony’s Snizzle, in Emily Browning we still thrust (and where’s the effin mcmuffin sequel, yo?)!!! The list doesn’t go on and on, but all those mentioned kinda sorta maybe sorta kinda has one thing in commons: theys kinda sorta look like Tim Burton movies (and that’s a good thing): Potter = Sleepy Hollow, Narnia = JESUS IS LION!!!, Lemony = Edward Scissorhands, and our latest deli-icious DARKishish kish kash kids flick, Nanny = Big Fish. This theory hasn’t been proven, but Good Will Hunting fingered it out on a chalkboard and now he’s banging Minnie Driver and curing Mork’s ills and liking DEM apples, YO! But enuff about algebra and the Pythagorean Theron and why my johnson is so large!!! Nanny McPhee is, in a word, fun. Not some grandiose, highfalutin grizzle-grazzle shrimping expedition, but an enjoyable lil thing you can enjoy with your child, the kid you kidnapped, or with yourself, hispecially if yer a freakazoid like me who loves child actors (add Sam Honywood to that list) but not in the way that yer thinking, but every time I mention loving child actors, the FBI, CIA, the Kremlin, the Mossad, Hamas, Hummus, and the Tsatziki squad all spy on me and put things in my food that make me sleepy and make me admit things like how I once made love to a cheeseburger!! Annnnnnnnnnnnywho, if you love Emma Thompson looking like something I eggstracted from my dingleberries last week, the REAL Mr Darcy, Renton’s fuck buddy [NSFW], Vera Drake looking like Wendy of Wendy’s fame, THAT hella-dorable kid from Love Hactually, and Jessica FORKIN Fletcher, then I bet you’ll do a bit more than crack a smile at this lil delightful trifle of a truffle shuffle shovel my Hope Sandoval!!! Hollywurst, make more dark kiddie fare that isn’t cartoon or clay or my future Thighlings will never see anything until they’re PG-13.

Possible Porno Name: Poo-Nanny For Free

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mary Poppins

Further Fun: Nanny McP has warts, and in her honor, here be the mos memorable wart dialog eggschange of balls time…

Anita: I’m Anita Hoargarth.

Uncle Buck Russell: [staring at Anita’s wart] I’m Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell’s wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I’m… I’m the wart. She’s my tumor. My… my growth. My… uh, my pimple. I’m Uncle Wart. Just old Buck “Wart” Russell. That’s what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They’ll call me that. “Melanoma Head’s coming.” I’m s… uncle! Maisy Russell’s uncle!

Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Meta Physically Draining
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I’m all for films that break the 4th wall, and dig deep into self-referential land, but it doesn’t always work. Remember Nederbergh’s Full Frontal? Of course you do, I mentioned it yesterday and that was like taking a dump on yourself and the only napkin you have is Brian Pepper‘s tongue!! DR POOPERS!!! While Cock & Bull, the story about the filming of a story that’s un-filmable, doesn’t sink that low, since it was bovioulsy well thought out and enlisted the franztastic talents of a who’s who of modern British actoristocracy, but to me it juss didn’t register. The jokes kinda fall flat, and unfortch this time, the British charm couldn’t make up for it. Think of Cock as 5th rate Adaptation and you’ll starting to understanding what I’m spraying. Or better yet, it plays out more like a lackluster episode of Ricky Gervais’ Extras (oh wait, they were ALL lackluster), which also happened to co-star Ashley Jensen. But maybe I’m wrong, as I’m often not, but other peeoples in the theater were cracking up. Meethinks they either get laid too much or think Wedding Crashers is the new European Vacation, and if anyone thinks that way, they should be hung by their grundle hair and beaten in public with boxes of generic cereal from Publix!!! And although I have more loathing than a loafer who’s wife was juss boned by a loaf of bread, I still gots mad love. Mad love for director Michael Winterbottom, who is kinda like a mini-Stanley Kubrick (not looks, but broad-range of genre tacklin… juss go and Netflix ANYTHING by him, or Kubrick for that deli matter!). Mad love for super best Steve Coogan, although Cock is the more of a Rob Brydon coming out party for us Yanks. And mad love for Shirley Henderson‘s voice, Ian Hart’s ears, Naomie Harris’ smile, and Jeremy Northam’s Jeremy Northam, who before this, seemed to have disappeared into Springfield’s Mystery Spot along with Ozzie Smith.

Possible Porno Name: Jizzum Candy: A Cock and Balls Story

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the film within a film mastereesespieces Day For Night

Further Fun: Read all 9 volumes of The Life and Opinions of Tristam Shandy, Gentleman, or take a peep at Playboy‘s centerfolds from 1953 to 2001… good luck finding the articles that are SFW

Oh yeah, wondering who the fork Elizabeth Berrington is? She was the preggers bird on the UK Office Christmas Special.

And oh yeah, before there was Knightley, there was Kelly MacDonald. K-Mac, I LOVES YOU SHLONG TIME!!! Please leave Dougie and work my crotch like Working Title does films!!