Thighs Wide Shut

After 38 delicious episodes, spread out over four regal 4 seasons, and containing more spread legs than a Busby Berkeley production number, The Tudors reign has finally come to an end (for the second time!).  we salute you teamy dreamy Tudors, for you far superior infotainment and endless JO matz [NSFW], which never really seem to catch on to a humongous audience like it should have.  if you didn’t catch on, it’s truly yer loss, cause nuttin beats the combo of history and boobs, well, besides water and boobs.  for no better reason than to show some pics of hot chicks in corsets and crazy hood ornaments, we decided to rank Henry VIII’s six TV wives in order of royal thighness best/breastness to wurst/dogfacednessness.  enjoy

1)  Anne Boleyn | Natalie Dormer

she was crazy… crazy sexy foxy!!!  and made King Henry do things he probably shouldn’t have, but she did give us Queen Elizabeth the I, and gave I, calluses on my hand.  is ‘Dormer’ Spanish for ‘to give boners’?

2) Jane Seymour | Annabelle Wallis

Henry found a perfect wife in Jane, as she was mad slammin’, and in turn gave him what he always wanted: a BJ every 20 minutes a male heir. she was originally played in season 2 by the fetching Anita Briem, but was replaced by the even more fetch f fetching Annarungmybelle bangagainstaWallis

3) Catherine Parr | Joely Richardson

dearly departed Natasha Richardson was always the family hottie, leaving sis Joely solely in the background, but that doesn’t mean for a second that her talents aint on PARR with any other actress out there.  she brought humility to Henry’s court, without baring any breasts.  sometimes hotness doesn’t need to disrobe.  shocking, but true!

4) Katherine Howard | Tamzin Merchant

Katherine Howard was a floozy, and Tamzin Merhcant-Ivory played her as such.  she kinda looks like she’s 12 and she kinda doesn’t look so hot in our book, at least when compared to her lover Thomas Culppeps

5) Anne of Cleves | Joss Stone

Jossy done did well in her thankless role as the wife of Henry that he agreed to marry without ever meeting.  turns out she didn’t turn him on.  guess he thought the ‘Cleves’ in her name meant ‘totally wicked set of cleavage’.  if the internets were around in Anne’s time, there woulda been a search engine called ‘Ask Cleves’

6) Queen Katherine of Aragon |Maria Doyle Kennedy

Henry had every right to dump her frumpy a$$ for Anne Bone-lynn, although the fruit of their union, daughter Mary (Sarah Bolger), was the mos adorable character in the series

honorable non-Queen hotness/mentions: Anne Stanhope, Brigitte Rousselot, Princess Margaret Tudor, Lady Jane Howard, Ursula Misseldon and Lady Elizabeth Darrell, who had THE single greatest NSFW moment of the entire series, where a dude was feeling her up against a tree, and then, for the sake/benefit of the audience, turned her nekkid body towards the camera.  gawd save the King, and gawd bless The Tudors

Flawless
A Safe Bet
Trailers & Mo

Director Michael Radford may not be a household name, but he probably should be. Every time he comes to bat he always connects with the ball, and does it many different ballparks ( Il Postino, 1984, The Merchant of Venice ). His latest entry, Flawless, continues that most quiet hitting streak. It pairs a sultry bidness woman, Demi Moore (welcome back!), and a crusty old janitor, Michael Caine (like a fine wine, he only gets better with age), as they attempt to rob the diamond company they both work for and feel slighted by. It has the same 60s look and feel as Mad Men, but stuff actually happens besides people smoking and drinking in their offices. If you see one heist film this spring, (please) make it the Bank Job [TWS review]. If yer thirsty for mo, while Flawless may not be as outright thrilling or flashy as Job, it has enough merit and stinkin badges to give it a go. Plus it makes up for that Joel Suckmacher flick of the same name where PS Hoffman gays up DeNiro Who’s That Girl: Moore’s character tells the film’s story in retrospect to a cutie patootie reporter. It took us the entire film to figure out who the hell she was: The Tudors Natalie Dormer, who was sporting a much mo fitting blond mane

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers!!

Chapter 27
I Saw Him Standing There
Trailers & Mo

One question has plagued our mind for ages: why would anyone ever want to kill John Lennon? There will never be any sensible answers and Chapter 27, which chronicles the days leading up to Mark David Chapman’s murder of the Walrus, didn’t seem to come up with anything finite either, juss more questions. So on to our next question (which hasn’t really plagued us for any longer than 8 minutes): how do you fill an entire movie about a deranged guy who waits outside in the cold day and night at the Dakota for John Lennon to come out and play? For the restless out there, you’ll be screaming at the screen for Chapman to hurry up and carry out his dastardly deed, but alas, you’ll juss have to wait til the very end. Everything leading up to the moment includes, standing, standing, standing, more standing, even more standing, shrugging off the cold, annoying Lindsay Lohan and Judah Friedlander (secretly one of the best supporting actors nick goings), record shopping, walking in Central Park, being crazy in hotel rooms, a little bit more standing and non-stop blather about Holden Caulfield (he’s the dude in Catcher In The Rye for those who never took one high school English class). Sounds captivating, eh? Luckily Jared Leto, who portrays Chapman, provides all the meat and the sizzle (which he musta had to intake like crazy off screen to pack on the pounds to look more like the MDC). Say what you will about Leto, but he has always given 111% of himself in any movie he’s appeared in (OK, maybe not in Urban Legend). As was the case with Truman Captoe, Chapman got two movies made about him around the same time. The other, which we haven’t seen, is called The Killing of John Lennon. It actually looks a lot better than 27, although its lead actor doesn’t appear to be able to play an asshole quite like Leto can. And lets be honest, is there any better asshole than Mark David Chapman? Well, there’s John Hinckley, but he doesn’t even deserve a movie, and if he did, please don’t bother asking Jodie Foster to participate

A Not So Kodak Moment: hours before Lennon was gunned down by Chapman, he gave him his autograph. Here it be

[The Cemetery of Rock]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Run Fat Boy Run
Close To Running On Empty
Trailers & Mo

David Schwimmer’s directorial debut (what, did you stop reading already?) is such a textbook example of a rom-com that we wouldn’t have been sirprized if it was written by Houghton Mifflin (not to be confused with Dunder Mifflin, snatchurally). It was actually co-written by Michael Ian Black, and it confirms once again that any script penned by an ex-Statesmen isn’t all that funny (save Wet Hot American Summer). The rom part of film aint very antic either, yet somehow we were completely charmed by this commonplace tale of an immature everyman trying to win back the love of his life by way of running in a marathon. The everyman in question is Simon Pegg (he’s also the other co-writer), and without him (and his BFF Dylan Moran), this flick woulda fallen flatter than Pat. This may be the least comical comedy he’s starred in, but you’ll be rooting for the ‘fat boy’ from start to finish, even if he did leave hottie supreme Thandie Newton preggers at the altar in the opening scene

We Want In Dia!: India de Beaufort may have a thankless role in the film, but who really cares when she makes us spankmore

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): against our butter judgment, we say Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hats Off
The Old Woman And The Must See
Trailer & Mo

You’ve probably never heard of actress/model/lover of life Mimi Weddell. She may look familiar, but unless you’re a woman or are extremely gay then you probably didn’t see one of her more ‘major’ roles as Stanford’s Grandmother on Sex In The City. Thankfully, for the rest of us, we’ll get our first taste of the sophisticated hat collecting lady, who started acting at age 65 when her husband passed on, in this truly uplifting doc. If she can’t inspire you to get up and do stuff with her ‘rise above it’ mantra, then no one can. Hats off to you Mrs Weddell!

Honor Whitewoman: Mimi was named one of the ’50 Most Beautiful People in New York’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

all flicks open in limited release today, cept for Fat Boy, which opens nationwide

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…