Thighs Wide Shut

we was up in nowheresville, ME this past tweakend, celebratin the union of our baseball seeking [wav] man Mavkrus and his blushing bride. there was nuttin really to do up there besides drink and screw, so we killed 2 birds with one stone and drank screwdrivers! (not really, but it’s more poetic if we said we did)

welcome to gawd’s country


where the mountains are larger and more beautiful
than Katie Downes‘ [NSFW]

and every third bidness is named Moosehead something

yet we didn’t see one moose whilst wees was there
although we talked frequently about Daryl Johnston

this ghetto Lobster Roll Express

was more humorous than The Pineapple Express

lobster meat and mayo are a deadly combo

and so are our lobster farts and anyone’s nose

you like Red Sox ice cream Doc?

we bet it has a winning taste
unlike, say, Washington Nationals ice cream
which probably tastes like last place

the last time we went canoeing

it sucked cause the joint was only burning on one side

beards rule!

but not as much as our readers!

we took a leak on this island

and pooped on your head!

apparently dog drowning is legal in Maine

and so is (javier) boredom

we’re so pissed that rainbows have been stolen by gay people

as well as banging people in the butt

a sign of the thymes

that can suck our wake

cause at Woody’s the drinks are as wet as the chicks

and the cash in the ceiling rules everything around us

so C.R.E.A.M., get the money and CREAM, in your pants

and never throw in the towel

Remember when you were all that I fapped to? I wanted to eat you, and now, you can eat me you runt cag!! Chef boyardee how the mighty hath fallen. I’ve skipped yer last two movies. I didn’t even buy yer 2nd album. When the thought of u passes thru my brain I immediately think of microwaved tunafish juss to get yo even more stankin’ a$$ a$$ outta my dodge minivan. You are the reason why freedom is not prevailing in Iraq. Yer the reason why the Nationals are in the NL East cellar. Yer the reason why people think Vince Vaughn is funny, yet he’s been doing the same character for 481283 years. Yer the reason the 2nd Ave Deli closed. Yer the reason why there’s 380218383123 blogs that all write the same thing and post pictures of you ordering from the Wendy’s 99 cent menu. Yer the reason Herpes Went Banannnananaas. Go away. Although you will never go away. Could you at least try to not be so trashizoid? And can you start being 17 again. And not 20. Oh yeah, happy b-day you frecklejuiced dirty lo-bag.

2) Give suggestions and feedback, by way of Yahoo! Groups, to the good folks behind the upcoming Bob Ross painting video game. Yes, you read that write, Bob Ross painting video game!! [vis Z Del Roachclip]

3) If you gots an AMEX card then go-go gadget get yer Tribeca Film Festival tix now, before all the goo shit is gone. Their on-line ticketing system kinda blows, but I aint gonna kvetch since a lot o the films are hactually playing in real movie theaters this year. Personally, I gotz pretty much all that I wanted + a bunch mo (14 total), sans the Jeff Garlin Cheese flick

4) Go gaga for the Dada eggzibit currently on display at DC’s National Gallery of Tarts. Don’t worry jew yorkers, it’ll hit MoMA in early June

5) Whether we like it or not, it’s Gaysball season, so go buy an effin hat already. I recommend pickin up any Franchise hat made by the geniuses of Twins Enterprise (can’t bee leave it took someone this long to make hats that look and feel like you’ve owned them for 2 years). The lamely named Lids is a good spot to get em, hispecially since when you buy one hat yer next one is 1/2 off. I myself mcnabbed a Nationals Brown Marlin dazzle and a STL blue flazzle (I hate baseball, yet I have three flavorite teams, go finger)

6) Catch me gettin my freak freak on at the Sounds or Ladytron shows, both at Irving Platz this week

7) Watch the bros Weinstein beat off on each other

8) See a Terrence Malick movie in theaters that probably won’t bore us to death. Days of Heaven opens at the Film Forum, home of the wurst seats in town, this Friday

9) Do not d-lode this tres awful cover of del Gorillaz’ ‘Feel Good Inc’ by the Editors [d vis A Giant]

10) Ensure that yer Invasion TiVo/DVR/Dildo season pass is all set to gogh, cause new episodes, FRYNALLY, start again next Wednesday

11) Looking for that one perfect travel companion? Try Bicycle brand cards’ Sudoku – 50 Puzzle pack on for size thighs

12) Mark April 25th on yer calendar

13) Pluck yer effin unibrow, you hairy bizatch!!

• Ronald McMolester joins Cookie Puss(y) in the land of sell-outdom. Low-Culture anal-izes THAT!

• Axel F & Tarantino, a more unlikely combo than tuna fish & Yankee Candle. [via The POOONmaster]

• Brett Ratner Not Easing My Fears

• Nice try Danny, but NOTHING could save the tripestain that was The Beach. Not even Virginie Ledoyen semi-nude in water. Speaking of, why has Hollywurst turned its back on the hottiest French thang of the late 90s? Have they not seen these other screencaps of her nekkid? And no, gettin her to co-star alongside Ron Livingston and Chris Penn doesn’t count! [2 outta 3 are NSFW]

• Coldplay‘s stoopid album art has been explained. Could be the biggest let down since Crystal Pepsi!!

• Drew Rosenhaus talks TO on PTI, and in the process reveals how big of a quiche bag he truly is.

• Wanna make Ken Jennings suffer? Stick em on a ferris wheel.

• Don’t import, juss ‘sample’ Coral’s The Invisible Invasion

• And here’s some soundtracks galore for yer thIghPod: Karate Kid, The Princess Bride, Garden Snoooze, Heavenly Creatures, Requiem for a Dream, 5th Element, and one of my all thyme flavorites STDKs, About A Boy

• Related: is this the REAL The Karate Kid?

• Not Related: woman farting on TV

• Ever wonder what Robert Plant would look like ironing on stage? Wonder solved. [via Z de la R]

• Whatever Happened to Polio? And why did the pollo cross the road?

• Maria Sharapova Chuggin a Bottle

• THOSE GREEDY WHAMMIES!

• Bless the person searching for ‘tara reid skankbot’. But how did ‘skankbot’ join the vernacular? Was it the Buffy episode in ’01 where Warren turned women into sex slaves, while Buffy & Spike gotz raw like they was in Monster’s Ball [peas give clickage to see the CENSORED Buffy/Spike hotness, avi file stizzle]? Read part of the script for proof.

• No hot chicks down here today, even though it is ex-Queen of Naboo/possib HRT the III/Natty Portman’s 24 b-day (as well as Freddie Highmore’s 13th, Johnny Depp’s 42nd, & Michael J Fox’s 44th), but juss a pic of world champ Hans Gassner, who juss won the freestyle full beard category at the recent Beard Olympics in Leogang, Austria. Brother still got some mountains to climb if he wants to beat this dude @ the World Beard & Mustache-A-Thon in Berlin this ROCKtober!! [via Synapster]

Back to your regularly scheduled diarrhea…

• Lohan pumping up the volume?

• I’m not much of an actor, but I did have a brief part in the short How To Make It In New York on $15 a Day (and no, Rachael Ray was not involved). Anywho, that short has been selected for the Cloud 9 Film Festival (what?) which is part of the in-flight entertainment on Frontier Airlines (who?)!! And you can not only vote for it DAILY, but peep it too (look for me round 11 minutes or so in)! Watch out Jude Law, your ass is mine grass!

• There’s only once choice for next year’s Oscar emcee, and his name is snot Ellen DeGeneres.

• Penelope Cruz loves camels and their toes?

• Why Canada’s version of Time Magazine is hipper than thous…

• I heard Al Gore invented boring TV aimed at 18-34 year-olds.

• Madonna gets the axe from Guy’s next film. I wonder why…

• Jury’s still out on Mischa Barfon’s new do.

• What would a Eminem/Elijah Wood crossbreed look like? This (beware of audio that may make u want to cut off yer ear, Gogh of van style). [via Spin Doctors Fan #1]

• Amanda Bynes is jarig.. en nog mooier! Sure Daan, whatever you say.

• World’s greatest Tom Selleck playing volleyball poster? I dare you to find another. And well, if you do, can you mail it to me? Please?

• Bill Murray rules

• Wrap up of April Fools 2005

• Breastfeeding GAMES? [SFW WTFness via Monkey Men]

• Red Rider Leg Lamps [via Synappy Blur]

• Every time you masturbate… [SFW via Richie Richard The Asianhearted]

• And not even a stoopid elephant costume can uglify Natalie Portman.