Thighs Wide Shut

I waz one of dem there lucky peoples who got an early bird 3-day pass to Lolla 2006 for 45 bones. Got the tix this morn, along with a line-up card (dats right, I had to type all dis)…

Red Hot Chili Peppers
Kanye West
Manu Chao
Wilco
Death Cab For Cutie
The Raconteurs
The Flaming Lips
Ween
Queens of the Stone Age
The Shins
Common
Matisyahu
Ryan Adams
Umphrey’s McGee
Sonic Youth
Thievery Corporation
Sleater-Kinney
Nickel Creek
Blues Traveler
Broken Social Scene
The New Pornographers
Iron & Wine
Poi Dog Pondering
Coheed And Cambria
The Secret Machines
Eels
Panic! At the Disco
The Disco Biscuits
She Wants Revenge
The Dresden Dolls
Reverend Horton Heat
The Smoking Popes
Andrew Bird
Gnarls Barkley
Stars
Cursive
Blackalicious
Editors
Lyrics Born
Lady Sovereign
Hard-Fi
Calexico
Nada Surf
Feist
Aqualung
The Frames
The Hold Steady
The Go! Team
Mates of State
Pepper
Particle
The Redwalls
Mute Math
Wolfmother
Sparta
The Subways
Of Montreal
Blue October
Jeremy Enigk
Living Things
Sound Team
The M’s
Hot Chip
The Benevento-Russo Duo
Matt Costa
The New Amsterdams
deadboy & the Elephantmen
Sybris
Anathallo
The Burden Brothers
What Made Milwaukee Famous
Manishevitz
Husky Rescue
The Towers of London
Ohmega Watts
Boy Kill Boy
Jim Noir
The Standard
Be Your Own Pet
Elvis Perkins
Trevor Hall
Midlake

and more to come…

Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor)
From Russia With Blood Lust
View Trailer

Riddle me this wo-man: What’s overloaded with vampire hunters, junky CGI, and gots more kwik cuts than Bill from Seven Locks Barbershop? Well, for starter jackets, there’s the pooporeffic Underworld, the Ryan Reynolds wrap/craptastic Blade 14, and shoves course, the king dung of em all, Van Helsucks. Night Watch, the first in a planned trilogy from Vodkaville, also falls into this category, but since its all in Russian, and thus, always in a hurry, it rises higher than Yuri Gagarin vs its American counterpoops. It may not strike gold on our shores, but it perestroikas the genre that so needs some perestroikainging!! To be more honest than Aperaham Lincoln, this was the mos fun I’ve had in theaters since the GROSSSSSSly underrated and grossly grossing The Island!! And it’s also one of the top three Russians movies I hath ever scene!!! Although, I’ve only seen three, including this, The Russian Ark, and Dziga Vertov’s The Man with a Movie Camera. Anywho, if you like fun AND Russians and can’t wait any longer for that never rumored tATu tour of America then yous should goes see this. We gots good Russians vs evil Russians, Russian spinal cords, Russian video games, hot blond hotties from Russia, Russian subway maps, old Russian women hitting pans, a Russian Darth-Luke relationship thing, Russian dressing, Russian sunglasses, SMG Buffy in Russian, Russian flashlights, Russian owls, Russia’s version of ‘Rabbit in Your Headlights’ [video], Russian cars, Russian things, Russian stuff, the Russian Hurley, AND ‘Fearless’ by the Braver, totally rizocking over the closing credits!! By the gay, don’t care what you spinx, but the Bravery are so much butter and 1/2 than the Killers, althizz they is the same eggzact thing. I’ll bet you $6.32 that the sophomore Killers album blows more goats than Billy Goat Blowers!! The only thing missing from Night Watch is yer butts in some theater watchin it and Oksana Akinshina, who should not be confused with Oskar Kokoschka wearing OshKosh B’Gosh!!!!! B’Goshskakakakaka!!!

Recommended for those who like: the Changeling, the scary things in Tool videos [video], and that droopy teeth thing all Russians have going for them

Possible Porno Name: (Cyril-Lick Dat) Tight Twat

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kontroll, or eat Count Chocula

Further Fun: One of Rembrandt’s mos famous painting be called ‘The Night Watch’, with the subtitle in honor of the Banning Cocq family: ‘De jonge heer van Purmerland als Capitein geeft last aan zijnen Lietenant de heer van Vlaerdingen om sijn compaignie Burgers te doen marcheren”'(literally: The young lord Van Purmerland as Captain gives order to his Lieutenant the lord Van Vlaerdingen to march his company Civilians’). I totally want to renounce my last name and become a Banning Cocqsucker!!! And while we’re ‘brandting it up, how bout his ‘The Syndics of the Amsterdam Drapers Guild’, eh? Think ole van Rijn would take pleasure in the fact that a masterpiece of his is one of the first things dilated peoples see right before they gets all blunted?

Apt MPupil3: ‘Tetris “A” Theme (Korobieniki)’ [d-lode OG or remix]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Garbage In
my mouth

Hershey’s unbeknownst bestest trio

Gawd, pleaseth make my Rite Aid stop selling all of these fine delectables 4 for a dolla, before I need to enlist the real Dr Nick

[beat]

Watching Cef almost eat his yuckgusting b-day sausage ‘cake’ at Herr Heidelberg Restaurant

as well as almost yackgusting all over myself for eating pig’s knuckles (at this point, I’m convinced that’i’ll never be buried in a Jewish cemetery)

[beat]

And for Steiner’s b-day, ventured out to BedStuy, where NY state’s ONLY Bojangles (inferior) Fried Chicken resides, and apparently majestic subway stain glass treasures, like these found on the JMZ line [b-low snap from NYCSubway.org’s NYCE Subway Art Guide]

And would you bee leave that the ONLY Bojangles in NY shares an ‘L’ counterspace alongside a Carvel, an Arthur Treachers, and a Subway, all scrunched INSIDE A GROCERY STORE? Lettuce juzz say that two white kids making a fried chicken pilgrimage to a BedStuy grocery store sure gets one a lot of odd looks, which is not to be confused with 30 Odd Foot of Grunts!

Garbage Out
of a trashcan and into my home

Why on earth would anyone in their frank lloyd right mind ever throw away anything Atari in la basura (the trash)? Unless doves course they knew that the T-Mizzle was going to reclaim it for the Republic of Thighland!!

Sadly, to this day, I am still bitter herbs at my smartsy fartsy older brother for throwing away our Atari 800XLc computer (that’s right, Atari computer, complete with 64K of power!!) years ago, although it was never going to work again (the dreaded ‘BOOT ERROR’ repeated screen of death!!). But then hagain, how could I be bitter to a boy who was bitter in his own write when all he wanted for one of his teen b-days was an Apple IIC(or was it E?), and thoughts he got it when he saw a large box sitting on his bed, but instead gots from our rents a wrestling ring he could use with his small collection of WWF LJN action figures. Don’t worry, the story has a happening ending: he’s still my brother, he’s still smart, and thanks to eBay, one day we’ll probably get to play Drol, Archon, Karateka, and Lucasfilm Games’ Ball Blazer!

[beat]

I got scared shrieked the other night/morning (wood) when some random drunk girl in my apt woke me up at 4:19 AM by simply opening my bedroom door (an open door was the ghetto alarm clock my mom used to get my arse up for middle thru high school). Said drunken girl was beheaded by morning, but not before I couldn’t go back to bed and heard her lambaste my CD collection, including the ownership of an All Saints’ CD. C’mon, I got it for free thru my 237432th membership to BMG, + I lived in London for 1/2 a year in ’98 when shit Britannia was cool!

All Saints – ‘Under The Bridge’ [d-lode]
All Saints – ‘Never Ever’ [d-lode]
All Saints – ‘Pure Shores’ (off of Saints & Sinners/The Beach soundtrack) [d-lode]

[beat]

And mattmag4188…

stay away from my woman, or since I know many Jews in media, I’ll have yer AOL IM account suspended!!

Seacrest Out
and me too cause I is
OUTATIME
for today kids!

The 2006 Bloggies BOO-ies, starring many a boo bazzles + the underground goodness that is YCMIU, and doves course, not us!! Bitter much? M’yes, but not as bitter has dem herbs during Passover. Maybe it has sum tang to do wit being #11 search result for ‘PAINT YOUR TITS.COM’???

Speaking of people who search for things like that, gay bashers who love tits (and Larry David) can finally rejoice: NSFW clips of Anne Hathaway AND Michelle Williams in Gay Cowboys: THE MOVIE, on the internets/webs!!!

Kids In The Hall, like Tony! Toni! Tone!, are doing it again! [via CRAP!]

Apple are the new Nickelback, cept they don’t copy themselves [via Mod Squad]

It so sad that I was juss learning how to m-bate around the time that Willa Holland and Saaya Irie were born

More Holland cheese that isn’t edam or gouda: TV Guide int + Countdown Clock on DakotaCountDown.com??!!? I still can’t bee leave people are counting down to Dakota’s age of ripeness. She’s like everyone’s perfect kid sister, kinda like Lisa Simpson, cept a lot hottier

Sometimes I wish I had the foresight of Rosanne Cash

With Ladytron westward bound and gagged for the end of April, you can book em dano for Coachella

Droopy Dog‘s finally got himself some spank material!

Does the title of your book got twat it takes to be a bestseller? Lulu’s Titlescorer KNOWS ALL! So who wants to publish my memoirs?

I think RANDOM House would be a good fit, eh?

Top 65 Music Videos of 2005 [via Korean Grosser]

Kazakhstanis Against Borat

The one, the only, the IFOCE video montage

Vintage Vantage’s Top Shelf… what, there weren’t any fat people who wore cool threads in the 70s/80s? And me donts thinks $234 clams is too much to pay when Burger Chef memories are on the line!! Yes, BURGER CHEF [beware audio]!!!

Could possib-drew-bly be better than The Man

Go-Go Boots.com’s Photo Gallery

Celebs sing + ads rock!

Bidders beware of fake Cliff Engle sweaters, and fake dog poop. What ‘fake dog poop’?

Mozzy likes it!

I spit you not, but yesterday, a bum on the subway smelled eggzactly like a freshly opened bag of salt and vinegar chips

And to take the stink straight of outta yer mouth from this snapple of KK, HRT the V, givin us the sassy takin a dump face, Strut magazine has blessed us with this slut tazazine!!

French President Jacques Chirac denies a report that he wanted to be casting director of da Da Vinci Code. Good thing he’s waSNOT, cause although I have no issue with his choice of Sophie Marceau [NSFW] as the French bird who may or may not be the direct descendant of the woman banged the man that was part of the immaculate conception and/or the man who had the immaculate reception, there was no effin no way any of us would ever never ever buy our winged ami Astérix as Harvard professor of Religious Symbology Robert Langdon. Stoopid Frenchies and their mustard. They think cause the made some decent movies in the 50s and 60s that they can tell us how to cast OUR crappy box office fiascos!!! Stick to yer Gerard DipinPOO and stuff and frog legs and that joke in Trading Places where that guys punches the line: “Look at that ‘S’ Car Go!”

• Meg, no matter what you do, Jack won’t take you back [via Ms Mod]

• Why would Señor ever touch Mary Poppins? There aint no aliens or Jews involved!

• The Sopranos Season 6 teaser trailer is about as eggciting as watching Tony Soprano watch TV (aka Season 5)

• Who said the gov-mint wasn’t cool? They juss added Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Toy Story, Hoop Dreams, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Cool Hand Luke, The French Connection, and 19 others to the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry!! Howevski, please don’t confuse 1929’s H20 with 1998’s HBoooO… btw, much belated peace the fudge out to Moustapha Akkad and his daughter, victims or jerkassedness

• A review of the G.I. Joe movie script… sadly, a Shipwreck appearance may have to wait for the sequel: G.I. JOE 2: Brokeback Ocean’s 69

• I guess humping my leg isn’t as memorable as meeting Josh Madden

• Stereogum, king of the ‘Yupsters’?

• Every film going fwd should contain the same plot keywords as La Niña Santa

• Soon to be Super Bowl MVP, Clinton Portis and his many costumes [via Ivan the 20850er]

• Gotta 7’7 friend with a b-day coming up? Bid on Manute Bol’s warmup pants and jersey [via Guns N Rosenthal]

• Pinder is ‘Easy’ and loves soccer + a good slap on der a$$ + actually looks decent when her boobs are covered up!

• It’s CRIMINAL that someone swiped ThighsWideShut in MySpace land [via T Bakes]

• Bestest Cliff Engle sweater that I’m too fat to bid on!!!!

• Can a live person be packed in a shipping crate and mailed?

• Jared Fogel wants to talk dirty to you [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

• Nate, where’s the male camel toe? [via Ceffle]

• The 30 Best Names in College Basketball [via Gorilla Man]

• You don’t have to be a Spanish lingusistical persona to understand what’s goin on here [via Lunar Baby]

• The 100 Most Annoying Things of 2005

• Amazing Alizee [via Seppo]

• And for you unlucky rubber soles sistahs who didn’t receive a HOLIDAUKKAH Greeting Card from 1st Family of Thighs, I wanna show ya what you missed…

Pee es II – Me and a small shady crew are headed to Bloomington, IN this weekend. If you find me like Waldo (or Wally if yer a personage of Britishness) I’ll buy you a cookie or THINGS!!!