Thighs Wide Shut

Inspired by the WaPo and sorta by the Bruno skit where one has to choose between giving Jack Black candy or cancer, I ice man giveth to you, what will be in the mix in ’06, besides Raymi

OUT	IN
Peter Jackson	Jack Peterson
Squeezable Mayo	Squeezable Relish
Dime Bags	Penny Loafers
Poo	Poop
Eli Manning	Taryn Manning
Beta Testing	Betamax
Mock Turtlenecks	Ookla the Mok
Big Bang Theory	Gang Bang Theory
SXSW	NXNW
Mark Cuban	Cubano Sandwiches
The Truffle Shuffle	The Ickey Shuffle
Steven Soderbergh	Sod
S&L	SNL
Blogs	The Troggs
Rachael Ray	Paula Deen
Neighborhoodies	Footies
Pink	Black
Cliff Engle	Cliff Notes
Gay Cowboys	Gay Redskins
Da Da Vinci Code	646 Area Code
TMs	BMs
Vagina	China
Books On Tape	Tape On Books
Prof McGonagall	Prof Plum
Rumors On The Internets	Rumors On The Brailles
Tomkat/Bennifer/Brangelina	Bosom
Dakota Fanning	Ariel Gade
Ghanaria	Hare Rama, Diorama
July	April
Arnold Palmers	Shirley Temples
Handrying	Receiving Bacon
Barnes & Noble	Borrowing From The Library
Cheryl Hines	Ciarán Hinds
LOL	El Al
Jesus	Arslan
Grey’s Anatomy	Gray’s Papaya
Andy Rooney	Ed Rooney
Hating Jews	Hating Jews
Pixar	Flip Books
Sio Bibble	Wearing Bibs
Nip Slips	Slit Nips
The OC	The REAL OC
Tapas Bars	Topless Bars
Sofia Lidskog	Kelly Miyahara
Saving Africa	Singing ‘Africa‘
Ben Stein	Palestine
The Walrus Was Paul	The Walrus Was Mike Holmgren
Brunch	Flunch
Regifting	Ree-Yees
Rusty Trombones	Rusty Kuntz
David Keith	Keith David
Recockulous	Retaintulous
Flizzm Jizzum	Russian Dressing
Oompa Loompas	Koopa Troopas
The Neverending Baseball Season	The Neverending Story II
Sufjan Stevens	‘Suffragette City‘
Microwaved Tunafish	Microwaved Gefilte Fish
Alba’s Ass	Alba’s Abs

I don’t like to toss around terms like ‘anally raped by fist covered in Crisco’ or ‘back alley abortion with wire hangers covered in Crisco’, but I don’t know how else to express in werds what happened to the Redskins in front of mine very own eyes at the Ghettolands yesterday. Thamks to Megbot, I had the bestest seats my ass has ever enjoyed (40 yd line, 30 rows up), but it was probably the biggest waste of my time since I voted for John Kerry in a heavily democratic state, or when I attempted to make chicken pot pie, with pot. Korny may have it write, but I’m still a believer… until they’re officially eliminated from the payoff picture… which for once, may actually occur on the final week of the season.

• I’ve given up on my search for Wayne Fontes, so I can focus my attentions on the disappearance of Yancey Thigpen. Btw, did anyone ever see him in the same room as Tupac?

• There’s boviously something rotten in the state of Denmark or in the brains of the 2 coaches who gave Oral Roberts a vote on USA Today/ESPN’s pre-season Top 25 poll. I suspect Tevester Anderson and Ron ‘Fang’ Mitchell are the two in question, and they may also be CIA operatives. Don’t blame this leak on me, just plame it on the rain.

• And in our final sportsish related topic of the day, my dearest brother-in-law, Davey “Brickhouse” MadeofBrawnsteen, finished in 5th place at the Verizon VoiceWing Battle at Union Jack’s in Bethesda, MD, by wolfing down 2.5 lbs of wings in 10 minutes. Snatchurally the Black Widow took top prize, but she better watch her back for Davey poo, who’ll soon climb his way up the ladder of excess. I hactually signed up for the contest myself, but since I was chosen as an alternate I decided to go to the Skins game instead. Probably the 14th wurst call of my life.

• The last things I want to think about when RFK’s assassination comes to mind is The Mighty Ducks, nip-slips [NSFW], and Shia LaBeouf

• The Wu-Tang Clan Andy Rooney aint nuttin to f$%k wit… and although I’m sure he never rides the subway, I bet he’s no fan of Dr. Zizmor

• I’ll set the odds at 30 to 1 that Kanye’s ‘Jesus Walks’ doesn’t even appear in the movie Jarhead, but all bets are off on a HRT the IV and Gavin engagement

• Pilgrims are flocking by the singles to the new Mecca, Long Island’s sole remaining Roy Rogers. And if this supposed resurgance fails, and the LI becomes the last remaining RR on earth, I smell a comeback for Bogdanovich in the vein of his brills The Last Picture Show. Maybe he’ll get Cybil to bare breasts again [NSFW], but this time in the name of holster fries and fixin bars.

• Link I never wanted to click on, but did because I needed an eggscuse to slit my eyes out: The Very Best of Jena Malone (Schoolgirl See Thru+Nips)

• And to help ease the pain of clicking the above link, here’s a pic of Double K… doing something, inside a limo, with her mouth, and sorta showing us her sorta chest…

• Free passes to I wish I knew how to quit you THE MOVIE

• The Village Voice: 50 Years/50 Covers

• Are there inbred families in the Ozarks/Appalachians like in Deliverance?

• DougEddingsIsADouche.blogspot.com [via Sox Hater #1]

• I was back in the VT last week, and the only thing I love more than the free cookies I gets from the DoubleTree hotel, and their fumcredible fall foliage…

…is eating my weight in hamburgers, shakes, fries, and fried chicken at Al’s French Frys has much has humanly possible. It’s steadily moving up the ranks on my long retired list of ‘Places To Eat B4 U Die’. Be there, or be thin!!!

And my email acct decided to erase most of the messages in my inbox, so if you entered our Supergrass Super Mark Duper contest, or if you still want to enter, all you have to do is answer the following three questions and she-male me wit yer name and address.

1) Which Supergrass song appeared on the Clueless soundtrack?
2) Who was Jek Porkins‘ best friend?
3) What am I wearing right now?

1938 – 2005 | 1927 – 2005
• More eggciting info has been dropped for that Coney/Staten Island music thingie in Rocktober

• Cpt Zzzzzz happy to be a part of the 21st century

• FRANZ FERDINAND BURY FARTING FEUD

• Charlotte Church’s boobs get people canned, but how can I get her boobs on my can?

• The NCAA hates Indians

• When did Princess Leia become the Prime Minister of the Ukraine? [via Johnny $]

• Scarlett Johansson is forking Jewish?!?!@?! I’m going to save her a seat at my next Seder and give her a lil shank bone love.

• I can’t bee leave my Subway Sub Club membership is going to be revoked

• What’s the difference between e.g. and i.e.?

• Wanna make yer baby look really stoopid? Go ahead, no one’s stopping you

• Crates & Barrels, in videogames

• Bid on one unscratched McDonald’s Dick Tracy Crimestopper’s Game

• StuffOnMyCat.com

• TWS.org, your #5 search result for ‘men tea bagging pictures‘

• I almost thought my head was going to explode on Saturday. Why? Well, me and Chillary G have been playing O.C season 1 catch up and dared to watch 7 episodes in a span of 7 + hours (we took a break for dinner). Yep, 315 minutes filled with more or less the same melodramas being repeated over and over. How many times is Ryan not going to express his feelings to Marissa only to have her get upset at him and then not want to be with him only to want to be with him later on, but then he no longer wants to be with her? And why do they have to get rid of good characters all the time? Luke is effin the man and if Seth Cohen doesn’t want to I’d sure love to strongshlong Samaire Armstrong (who looks so much more fab with long hair). I juss can’t bee leave I missed that season when I first aired. I’ve been hitting myself in the head like Oliver ever since.

• And you can have the Jeff Garcia lookin one cause I got dibs on the short on dude with the hairy arms and back!

[via BBB via Gulf of Sonkin]

Seriously, what the fork happened? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pimp an Atari phone in their home?

[via The Atari Museum]
• Vincent Chase would make a whorrible Aquaman

• Set snappages from Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. Early guess review: don’t bother and juss Netflix Barry Lyndon already!! Related: Kubrick’s final film

• Meet the next group of people you’ll loaf to loathe on next season’s 24: him, her, and her. [via Dark Ho]

• Fiery Furnaces announce a bunch o early football season tour dates. They hit up NYC’s Town Hall on the 14th, in the fitting month of ROCKtober.

• Does this have a chance of being better than this? I dunno, cause the 1st one has no relation to Dakota Fanning.

• How come Electric Six released Senor Smoke in the UK this past February, yet it has yet to hit our shores? Either way, feels free to ‘preview’ it here

• Although Thighs has turned his back on MTV’s The Real World, doesn’t mean he’s turned his eyes away from any NSFWness from Austin’s Melinda

• Vote for yer flavorite cover of my mos flavorite magazine, Time Out New York . I’ll tell ya write now that mine isn’t this one of a cow or this one, which is currently in the lead, but I’m teetering tween the first issue I ever got, ‘Tasha, Meg in a cast, The A to the muther stickin G, Pee-Wee, the flick that’s in a 4 way tie for all thymes breastest in my book, and the one that will probably end up getting my vote, Superjew!

• Jessica Biel makes out with a Pringle, and yet she’s still not attractive. [via Predicure]

• Ism gets Spanish Lohag hate mail

• MIDIes galore in the key of Video Games. They won’t let me hot link to them, but here’s a bunch I blazzle dazzled all over: Blades of Steel‘s Victory, Bionic Commando‘s Level 1, Double Dragon‘s Mission 1, Excitebikes‘s Title, Final Fantasy‘s Matoya’s Cave, Goonies II‘s Cyndi LauperGood Enough stizz, Ice Hockey‘s Game, Zelda‘s Overworld, Pro Wrestling‘s Profile, RC Pro-Am’s Title, Rygar‘s Level 1, Mario‘s Starman Dance AND Doo-Dads Doo-Dads Doo-Dads jounks, Tetris A, and duhvs course, Tyson’s Punch-Out‘s BLANK Stole My Bike. [via Pakulashaker]

• Impress none of your friends with this Washington Natty’s lamp

• Pictures from within the NYC subway system [via Data Doubleya]

• Austria Museum Lets Naked People in Free

• Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief [SFW via Fark]

• PACERS, GREMLINS, AND MATADORS!

• Dr Zaius is a playa [b wear of sound]

• And with some newly minted free time, oddly enuff not used for blogging, I’ve been revisiting some moooovies. I gave The Village a 2nd chance, and I muss admit, my opinion has warrick dunn a complete 180. This is Shyamalandingdong at his best and probably one of the most beautiful movies of 2004. Too bad I can’t go back and change my year end Best Of list. I also gave some reloveage to Tim Burton’s Batman. While many people have hailed the new C Bale one as the Holy Toledo Batman Grail, I still stand by version 1.0. I mean can you name a better summer blockbuster since 1989? I can’t. And don’t give me any of this Star Wars or Spiderman jazz!! Burton did everything right, especially make Gotham City into a character all its own. Plus it doesn’t hurt that Billy Dee Williams was in it too. And our final trip down memory lame was devoted to the movie that everyone hates, cept for me and my monkey and his fumndacheese: A.I.. Sure it runs a lil on the long side, but where else are you going to get Senor Spielbergo channeling Stanley Kubrick? If it was the other way around, Full Metal Jacket would have ended with Private Pyle and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman hugging. And don’t sleep on my man Haley Joel Omelette!! The kid was purrrrrrrfectly cast as a robot, since he’s actually related to R.O.B., of Gyromite fame. And although he may have lost his boyhood charm, doesn’t mean the kid is down and out. Dude juss signed-on for ‘an independent coming-of-age drama’. Sounds like a snoozefest and 73/1011ths, but after all he gave us, don’t we owe him?

Is summer Schvitz Fest ’05 over yet? I cants stands its nos mores!!! I sweat wherever I go, on the go, or thinking of van Gogh. Sweat, sweat, sweat, when I eat, when I sleep, when I peep, and when my penis seeps. It doesn’t give me the creeps, but I’m sick of people staring at mees on the subway. They must go, oh look, it’s a moderately overweight sorta-Jewish looking fellow sweating charlie buckets, so let’s stare at him. And why is there corn in his mouth? If I lived in any other city would I not sweat as much? Is AC the real reason people own cars? Or is it so you can go to Costco and buy discount versions of the Hitch DVD in bulk? But I have bigger issues. So much that I got subscriptions. Why do girls look so great when they’re wearing sunglasses, and the minute they’re off their face, it’s Pug Uglyville? Why has the lord cursed me by letting me work a few blocks away from the Corner Bistro? I know that’s a good thing, but I’m gonna be more porky than Porky’s Revenge meets Meatballs II by the end of the year. And hey, you idiots, why are you idiots? If you’re so stressed out don’t sit down and take a stress test proctored by those alien religious people who want you to buy all the remaining VHS copies of Battlefield Earth, go take a shower, masturbate, smoke pot, or eat more cubano sandwiches, they’re good for you. What else isn’t coming up Milhouse? Uh… EVERYTHING! Saw the Kaiser Chiefs last noche (and also got to wish Jason Productshop a pre-schlappy b-day). Les KC sure were rip-roarin, crowd-pleasin, riot predictin, and furthered my lovin of seeing bands with only one album under the belt before they turn to shit. But Webster Hall, why are you a great venue held back by being such a shithole? The sound guy and the dude in charge of air conditioning should have their collective balls ripped off and sent in the mail to their mothers on Father’s Day. And that’s not even the 1/886th of it. As I ran down the stairs at Union Squares to catch an N/R/BBQ train, something wasn’t right. There was a train in the station, yet its doors were not opening. I seized the op and headed to the front of the train, all in the name of good transferringnessness. When I got there, I saw a few people looking between the crevasse of the platform and the bottom of the train. Was it their keys that were lost? NO, there was a person’s body lying underneath the fuc&ing train. And that body was not moving. The police qwikly came and pushed everyone away. What had happened to the person I will never know, but I wonder, juss like the kids in Stand By Me who seeked the body of Ray Brauer. The moral of all this jibber jabber jaw linkless nonsense seussical sassy shabazz sassafras? Be safe, call your mom (she worries), carry a towel, ugly chicks should always wear sunglasses, every new band should release one great debut and then call it quits, McDonald’s ice cream is a good substitute for DQ when you don’t have a DQ, remember that Cuba Gooding Jr was in Boyz in da Hood, root for a I-95/495 World Series, trim your nose hair, split a Pig Out at Virgil’s but skip the apps, always blame farts on other people, send me more links BUT stop asking me to link to your site if all you have are words and no pictures, send me free stuff (cause everyone loves free stuff), and frynally, keep your thighs between my face and keep reaching for the stars.