Thighs Wide Shut

Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple
You Can Checkout Any Time You Like,
But You Can Never Leave
Trailer
US Release Date – possible theatrical one this year, but either way will be aired on PBS’ American Experience in the ’07

There aren’t that many notorious episodes of mass suicide in the world’s history. One has to stretch to conjure up Masada, Heaven’s Gate, and whatever that was in Uganda. But there’s one event that stands above the rest, and has clouded the American conscience ever since that mos horrible November day back in the ’78: the Jonestown massacre. What could possibly have happened for a reverend to convince 913 members of his flock, including 276 children, to take their own lives in the secluded jungles of Guyana? This unbiased, straightforward, and completely enrapturing documentary, culled from countless interviews of survivors, ex-members and other key figures, and an unbelievable amount of candid audio and video footage, tells the tale that needed to be taled. I can’t believe it took this long for a documentary to be produced about one of America’s darkest and mos fascinating chapters, but butter nate than lever, as I’d say! I’ve hactually been waiting for a doc heggszactly like this ever since my adolescence, when my non-fiction obsessed sister filled my head with scary stories about Jim Jones’ purple Kool-Aid acid test. But the real question is, why only 85 minutes? There’s so much to hexlpore, in particular, the aftermath, so why not 850 minutes? U MUSS see this, or I’ll round up 913 people yer related to and force them to watch, on A-B repeat, that scene in Armed & Dangerous where Eugene Levy is mixing bidness with leather

Recommended for those who like: the January 1962 issue of Esquire, Guyana Airways, and the Polyphonic Spree

Possible Porno Name: Bonetown: Bangin Your Wife While On Meth From Her Poophole To Her Temple

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Guerrilla: The Taking of Patty Hearst [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: Jim Jones’ ‘we must die with some dignity‘ speech [various formats here] AND the Peoples Temple Choir ’73 LP He’s Able [12 d’s here], AND while yer at it, anything by the Brian Jonestown Massacre [d-lode em all here]

IMDb Sweeney: DUDE, they HAVE to re-release the made-for-TV movie called Guyana Tragedy: The Story of Jim Jones, starring Powers Boothe as JJ, Ned Beatty, Brad Dourif, Diane Ladd, Randy Quaid, AND LeVar Burton. And DUDE, if they ever decide to make a big budget fiasco version of the whole shabang, Ciarán Hinds HAS to play JJ

Jonesin For Mo Jonestown: Heducate yo self here

Did You No: That Guyana and French Guiana isn’t the same Geeyanah? I didn’t

TFF Thighspotting: a former Peoples Temple member, who was luckily sent back to California by Jones two months before he lost his wife and child at the massacre

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, and Vagina In Show!

Mini’s First Time
A Baldwin Lose-Lose Situation
Trailer
US Release Date – this summer? Fitting, since mos summer fare blows the donkey balls yer mother tickles with her tongue

Written like 3 back to back busted-arsed episodes of Entourage (wait, aren’t they all busted-arsed?), Mini’s First Time is a complete failure. You sit there and watch, waiting for it to be good, but it never quite delivers the goods. Mini’s First Time is exactly what you think it is: a girl’s first time. But instead of treating it as a coming of age story, it’s more like the becoming of a whore story. Our Mini is played by the one-note Nikki Reed, who seems to be a 17 year-old version of the lecherous anti-christ she played in the harrowing flick that make me never want to have kids, Thirteen. And this time around, instead of ruining the lives of people her own age, she’s turned her attention to ruining the lives of her heavily loose and heavily drunk mother and stepfather, Carrie-Anne Moss and Alec Baldwin, both respectively wasting their time. You see, for no particular reason, Mini decides to turn tricks and her first client juss so happens to be her stepfather. She goes through with it, but makes sure he doesn’t know its her. Hmmm, he muss be purty dumb to not even recognize his own stepdaughter’s voice. Anywho, shortly thereafter, it’s revealed that she was indeed his fuck for a night and the two embark on a hot and heavy relationship, which to me was so unsettling that I couldn’t get behind them, and thus, couldn’t get behind anything that transgressed from that point forward. They try their best to keep their affair a secret, but they realize that her mom/his wife is standing in their way of true happiness. Since both don’t want her disposed of, they attempt to drive her crazy so she can be admitted to Arkham Asylum, but of course, thru reasons that aren’t even worth my werds, they end up offing her. Blah, blah, blah. Detective Luke Wilson comes in and starts snoopin around and blah, blah, blah. Mini = MC Skat Kat + Poopie². Lettuce be spankfully that the first time won’t likely begat a next time.

Recommended for those who like: Sophocles’ Oedipus Rex, bearskin blankets, and the wit and wisdom of Dr Ian Malcolm

Possible Porno Name: Mini’s First Time

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Lolita [old | new]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Pretty Girls Make Graves’ by The Smiths [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Svetlana Metkina may not be a household name, but I bet many have screamed her name while JOing to her fine NSFW work in Barbarian

TFF Thighspotting: someone thought me mum was Mary Stuart Masterson’s mum, although my mum is 24234 times better lookin, I mean, where do u think I got my franztastic semitic-looks from?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

The Treatment
The Wizard of Id, Ego, and Superego
Trailer
US Release Date – unknown, but better effin get one!

While I depplauded Comeback Season for being too simple, I will applaud The Treatment for the same reason. So why does it work here and not there? The T is a smart and rewarding romantic comedy that isn’t dumbed down with impossible contrivances, like pretty much every single one released by Hollywood that either stars J-Lo, Diane Lane, Mitch Jessica Parker, Kate Throwherinthe Hudson, or Reese Witherpoop. And one of the reasons that it doesn’t fall into that trap is cause the focus is on a man and not a woman. I think it was Niels Bohr who came up with the theory, Woman + Romantic Comedy = Kill Me Now. Luckily our man here is Whit Stillman’s witty muse, Chris Eigeman, who plays an unlucky in love prep school teacher that falls for a upper crust widowed mother of 2 (the always ravishing Famke Janssen), much to the dismay of his Freudian fused psychiatrist (Bilbo Baggins, who sadly hasn’t been nominated for an Oscar since 1982!). I hate romantic comedies, but I loved this one. And someone, please take Chris Eigeman on as yer muse, as it seems Whit has become the new Terrence Malick. Where the fuck have you gone Man of Still? We miss u and yer pretentiousnessnessness.

Recommended for those who like: Robin Colcord, the part of NYC where the Thigh Master resides, and Sex & The City‘s opening credits, kinda

Possible Porno Name: The Breath Mint I Left In Your Throat Called My Love Juicy Juice

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other movie with a main character named Jacob Singer, and in general, one of my flav’s, Jacob’s Ladder [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Self Esteem’ by The Offspring [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Marceline Hugot has played either a nurse or a doctor in at least 5 movies and TV shows, including this one

TFF Thighspotting: I totally saw Mike Wallace taking a leak. I think it took him all of 60 seconds, not Minutes, to do his bidness

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Greatestist thing I ever did see? No. Breast In Show? Sure, why not?

I have 8 movies to see this weekend. Don’t eggspect 8 reviews by Sunday night, but do eggspect your mother to tell you some hot and bothered stories about how I flazzle flizzled my willy in her nilly. Bozzle!

Comeback Season
More Like GO AWAY Season
Trailer
US Release Date – can u say straight to video the rubbish bin?

Comeback Season plays a lot like the Father of the Bride series, cept they replaced Steve Martin with Ray Liotta and Diane Keaton with Martin’s Dirty Rotten co-star Glenne Headly. And once you’ve done that, yer jokes simply won’t fly, even if yer script was written by 1/5 of the Kids In The Hall, not that anything in his oeuvre as a director/writer has been anything to make note of. No disrespect to Mr Liotta, who owns the world’s breast/wurst cackle, and to Ms Headly, who is one of the mos underrated actresses around, and bythegay, is forkin smokin fly at age 51, but Comeback Season is excessively long, excessively lame, and is way too simple to even be considered a movie. But I guess I should say something nice. OK, Shaun Sipos has the illest name since Nick Kypreos, and could probably take any role that Nick Stahl or Kip Pardue turn down. Also, keep an eye and a thigh on Brooke Nevin. Her cheeks are so chipmunk that I want to fill them up with my sack of nuts! If you thought that that was funny, you’ve already laffed about as many times as I did during this screening boo-fest. If you didn’t lick my sack of nuts!

Recommended for those who like: Sears, Roebuck and Co., stoopid road trip games, and Tori and my’s HS rival, the Churchill Bulldogs

Possible Porno Name: Cum On My Back Season, which is not to be confused wit On Your Knees Season, although together they would make a great double (fisting) feature!

Unsatisfied with this? Take yer aggression out by Netflixing PS2ing GTA: Vice City, starring Mr Liotta, and a scummy cast of thousands five

Apt MPupil3: you’ve made my ‘Shitlist’ by L7 [d]

IMDb Sweeney: The mos random resume has gotta belong to Cinematographer Jamie Anderson. Bless the soul of anyone who got to work on Tron, Back To The Beach, AND The Girl Next Door, and of course, a zozen mothers ghetto klassics

TFF Thighspotting: with nary a sole in the audience, it was slim pickens, but I did spot a woman who looks like Dwight Schrute’s special lady friend, and the bastard who was responsible for this

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Colour Me Kubrick
John Malkovich Being Someone Else Who Was Being Someone Else
Trailer (contains too many spoilers in my o-pinion)
US Release Date – unknown

Written by one of MASTER director Stanley Kubrick’s assistants and directed with obvious passion by one of his assitant directors, Colour Me is the hilarious loose fictionalization of conman Alan Conway’s amazing mid 90s London exploits as a Kubrick impersonator [read the a UK article about it all here]. And since the internets was in its infancy, not many people knew what SK looked like. That worked heavily in the favor of the beardless, overly gay, and skinny Conway, who duped many, and in the process reaped the benefits of posing as the pseudo-Howard Hawks of our day. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect role for the overly serious, yet doesn’t take himself so serious Malkovich. It’s by far his mos humorous to date, unless you count his work as Teddy KGB in Rounders, which I don’t think was suppose to be funny. What more could you ask for? If you love the Kubrick AND the Malkovich, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this. PROMISE!! And if you don’t, please go back to Swaziland you effin Swazi!!

Recommended for those who like: the gayness of the killer from Silence of the Lambs, classic classical Kubrick scores, and costumes almost as outlandish and garish as the ones in Velvet Goldmine

Possible Porno Name: Hummer My Cute Prick

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other Malkovich gay con job, Ripley’s Game [trailer in RM]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Hello’ by Lionel Richie [d] or anything by Color Me Badd [d], I guess

IMDb Sweeney: the only cast member to actually have worked with the Kub was Barry Lyndon‘s lady in hotness, Marisa Berenson. Other random notables in the cast are: Ms Pussy Galore, whose real name is even butter than that, GUPPY(!), Ayesha Dharker, who was in something called Split Wide Open, and the last known screen role of Jek Porkins

TFF Thighspotting: the Malk-man himself for a Q & A, and I aint talkin bout a guy who fronts Jicks

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Although probably mo of a Jeepers Worth A Peepers PLUS, I’m gonna give it my golden seal of approval, Breast In Show, although there are no breasts, juss a lot of gay men, but alas, no cock