Thighs Wide Shut

Charles Cochran
‘Singin’ In the Rain’

Kiersten Essenpreis
‘After the Fire’

Brandon Bird
‘I Am the Night’

Ben Walker
‘It’s Got Raisins in It’

Lesley Reppeteaux
‘Maude’s Monologue’

Jeff Ramirez
‘VVerzweiflung, Geschmerzt, Kampf, Entsetzt,’

via con Crazy 4 Cult 2 Artwork

& while we’re at it, eeuauaughhhuauaahh.ytmnd.com

The Hangover
A Hazy Shade of Winners & Losers
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

It’s not a smart comedy, nor a dumb one neither, but it doesn’t really matter at all what kinda comedy it is cause The Hangover is sain and plimple a dang funny movie, and if you’ve been reading our reviews for some time you know how infrequently we use the word ‘funny’ to describe a comedy (dramas and horror flicks are another thang, see Gran Torino & Drag Me To Hell for hilarity ensuing). So kudos to director Todd Phillips (although no kudos for his lame cameo as a guy getting head in an elevator) and writers Jon Lucas and Scott Moore for pulling off this feat, hispecially considering the fact that Phillips’ previous work is overrated tripe (Old School, Road Trip) and the scripters’ not even worth rating (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Four Christmases). Yet it’s not really the writing or direction that makes it work, but the comedic stylings and perfect chemistry between the three leads, pretty boy Bradley Cooper, nerdy boy Ed Helms (and yes, he did indeed get his tooth removed for the movie!) and scruffy-looking nerf herder boy Zach Galifianakis (Justin Bartha‘s the straight man who’s disappearance during his own bachelor party ignites our plot, but he’s barely in it to leave a mark). Our three amigos keep the shenanigans rolling from the get go, all the way til its non-stop LOL ending, which quite honestly, could be one of the most memorable endings to a comedy in quite some time. Eat that Judd Apatow!

There are some things in The Hangover that don’t work at all. Sure, it’s always a pleasure to see Heather Graham‘s breast, but it’s not always a pleasure to watch her act. How many times does she have to play a cheery sex toy? Come to think of it, we’d like to withdraw that question, as we do like to see what her breasts are up to every now and again. How about them promising Iron Mike Tyson bits, as seen/exploited in the trailer? Completely uninspired and moist disappointing of all, flat and unfunny. You’ll enjoy watching this YTMND more than you will his work in the movie. Maybe you won’t, but we fosho did. Regardless, if you want to see Tyson on the big screen, do yerself a big flavor and see Toback’s radiant doc instead. Comedies don’t need to be grounded in reality, but The Hangover motors on realistically for quite awhile. That is until the movie jumps the shark briefly by inserting pointlessly wacky cops that spoil our fun, juss like the overdone ones in Superbad did. And the wurstest offender of all? Dry sourpuss Ken Jeong, poorly playing a prissy gay gangster or something like that, which has instantly put him on the path to earning his second ‘Judd Apatower That Needs To Be Forgotten More Than Sarah Marshall’ trophy at next year’s Thighs Wide Movie Awards. Ken, please, go away. And casting directors, if yer looking for a witty Asian guy, there’s this fellow named John Cho you may have heard of, who’s actually funny… like the rest of this movie, minus all the parts mentioned above. Eat that Judd Apatow! And while yer at it, eat Ken Jeong too!

Galifianakiss of Life: watch Zacky ‘interview’ some choice celebs between two ferns & teach kids about acting

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Downloading Nancy
Baud To The Bone
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Unfortunately this is not a movie about downloading hot nekkid snaps of a girl named Nancy. Not that Nancy (a very fearless Maria Bello) isn’t hottt (remember how she brought it on in that cheerleader oufit?), but she’s not interested in spreading her hotness all up on the internets. She’s a down in the dumps housewife, looking for someone to end her life. Jason Patric answers her posting snatchurally (what, were you eggspecting Tobey Maguire?), but a funny thing happens on the way to getting oneself killed… the two sick puppies find sick happiness in each other’s miseries. This is one tuff love, and such a bleak and twisted little tale that it may qualify for worst date movie of the summer, if not the year. Her oblivious hubby (Rufus Sewell, for once playing the sad sack, instead of a cad baddie), sits at home wondering where the fred funk his wifeykins has gone. Then a knock comes on the door and there’s Patric opening Pandora’s box, telling him that she’s never coming back to him. Watching the two interact, and overact, painful as it may be, is truly a treat to watch, as are Patrick’s nightmarish scenes with Bello. This is quite a first offering from director Johan Renck, and we hope things break outta the bleak house on his second feature, or we might have to cancel the download

Fancy Shmancy: download Nancy…. Grace ringtones!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Cautious Peepers

Séraphine
My Kid Housekeeper Could Paint That
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Séraphine Louis is a foreals person (she has a short Wiki entry to prove it), and her life story about being a frumpy simpleton housekeeper turned divinely inspired floral artist (Yolande Moreau pouring herself, art and soul, into the role), almost reaching minor notoriety in life, with the help of a kind German patron (Ulrich Tukur), but a tad more after death, is so fascinating that it’s rather puzzling why it took so long to make it into a movie. She’s like a female van Gogh, cept she wasn’t crazy enuff to cut off her ear (to spider face), but she was certainly crazy… CRAZY TALENTED… and yes, crazy too. Séraphine’s got enuff issues that she hactually has a subscription. The film, directed by Martin Provost, has the usual stale mise-en-scène trappings of some stuffy drama you might see on Masterpiece Theater, but a flashy artist biopic (with a healthy dose of fiction tossed in to flesh out her story) isn’t really necessary in the Paris countryside of the early 20th century. Apparently the Frenchies agreed as it garnered 7 César Awards. It easily won best supporting croutons in a salad, so why not take a bite. Eat that too Judd Apatow!

The Island That Is Moreau: yo wanna see Yolande NSFW? didn’t think so

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Nancy and Séraphine open today in NY/LA only, while The Hangover hangs out at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Pinder to star in Wolverine spin-off called Xs & Hos

official news that took our breath away:
both of Top Gun’s lead actors are gay!

Bonnie Wright’s 18th Bday pics make it legal for us to love her, or so our lawyers tell us

Disney, the forefathers of recycling [Dr Falada]

New York City : 1961 vs. 2009

Conchords the video game. still waiting for the flamethrower

fake Malin Akerman by the poolside [NSFW]

Mel Kiper, Todd McShay trade hair in draft day shocker

Mike Tyson vs Little Mac, round 2

pharoahe monch + ben lyons, nyc, 2002

Playboy brunettes, thru the yearsz [NSFW]

Kill The Old Man From The Legend of Zelda

an oldie but still a moldie goodie: The Shining trailer recut

and then

ZARDOZZZZZZZZZZ!

and

these NHL playas/entertainers switched @ birth thingies are off the meat hook and rack, especially this Andrei Markov/Rowan Atkinson one

all dough this one featuring a picture of Sean Bean looking like a lion is purty notch top!

Star Trek
Spock & Awe
(sorry, but had to steal that one)
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Move over Arnel Pineda cause wunderkind J.J. Abrams has assembled the single greatestist tribute act known to man (+ other bonus cast and crew members) with his spankin brand new Star Trek, which has gots to be the coolest, hippestest, funnestistest Star Trek adventure of balls thyme. Not that we’re sexperts in all things Trek, since we’ve only seen (and truly madly deeply loved) the IVth movie with the whales, a handful of Next Gen eps and that Kaaaaaaahn!!! clip that’s all up and down YTMND, but we knows and loves solid entertainments when we see it, juss like knowing and loving a solid bowel movement when we shat it. Obviously there wouldn’t be a dazzlin nouveau Star Trek w/o the original gangster version, so Abrams and Co have gone to great lengths to preserve that what is holy, as well as boldly going above and beyond where they went before. They say you can never go home again, and for George Lucas and Steven Spielberg (but mostly Lucas) they maybe should have never gone home again. Abrams, however, doesn’t have the last name Roddenberry, so thankfully he didn’t have to carry that torch, and was allowed to light his own. Gawd bless you Paramount Pictures!

This Star Trek takes us back to the beginning, when Kirk was born, Spock was mocked, Winona Ryder was his human MILF and the Enterprise was juss startin to be enterprising with the help of the always helpful Bruce Greenwood. Large shoes had to be filled all around, and the new crew comfortably walk many a star logs in the old ones’ kicks: Chris Pine is moist fine as Capt JT Kirk; Zachary Quinto lives long and prospers as Leonard Nimoy‘s Spock, but as an angrier version (bonus points for casting Nimoyish doppelganger Ben Cross as his papa), Zoe Saldana makes hearts and pants melt as Uhura (see below); John Cho doesn’t chew up scenery, as he shouldn’t, as Sulu; Englishmen Simon Pegg peggs the Scottish accent and humor as Scotty; Anton Yelchin (blows in general) bures as Pavel… Chekov; and lastly, but bestly, Rohan Rider Karl Urban is the real effin McCoy as Dr Bones dammit! The plot is a lil paper thin (and maybe a tad too hazy, with all the confusing time traveling shiz, and the Hoth scene with the Starship Troopers alien beast), but since this is more of a re-introduction piece, and one that works so well, it’s hard to get upset about anything, including, but not limited to Eric Bana‘s baddie character’s limited screen time. We think he hates Spock or something and wants revenge like the horse I Want Revenge, although he scratched in the Derby, so he didn’t get revenge on any horse, but Bana does, but not on horses and not nearly as good as the revenge he gots when he fake played a Jew in Munich and totally kicked terrorist a$$ in the name of the Lord. Anywho, this new Trek totally nails it for diehards and livesofts alike, and will have us all thirsting for more in the years to come. So set yer phasers to fun and beam thyne self to a theater!

Outta This World: is there anyone named Zoe that isn’t hot?

+ her green Orion Star Fleet Academy roomie
who turned out not to be Diora Baird, but
Rachel Nichols (no, not the ESPN one)

who will mix bidness with leather
as Scarlett in this summer’s GI Joe

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Star Trek opens tomorrow (yes, on a Thursday)
at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Logan’s Run-On
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

You’d think with a spin-off of a mighty popular movie franchise, featuring its moist mighty popular character, that the production would actually spend a good deal of money (is there such a thing as a ‘bad deal of’ anything?) on top of the line special effects, right? So what then is the story with X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which features dodgy CGI that looks about as complex as the flight simulator the monkeys played with in 1987’s Project X? What? That’s not the finished version of the film that we watched? You mean to also tells us that them on-screen ADR directions weren’t subtitles of what the character was saying in a mutant language? That’s not what the dude in the trench coat in the dimly lit parking garage led us to believe when he handed us a DVD copy of this film with a label written in sharpie, and told us we had to watch it ‘as is’ or else he was going to kill our Queen and our Secretary of State-ments. We take all threats of Thighland’s national security vary seriously, and when that involves making tough choices like the one in which we were presented, sometimes you have to task not what your country can poop for you, but what poop can who flung on your country. Huh? Yeah, whatevaaaaa

Full-on CGI or not, Wolverine is about as good as any of the other X-Men movies, so take that for twatever it’s worth. To us, it doesn’t really mean shiz since we couldn’t really tell the difference between the three blah blah X-Mens, including that Brett Shatner one. They were decent enuff super hero flicks, but this caped crusader franchise is easily the least memorable of them all (plus everyone knows that DC Comics so kicks Marvel’s a$$, and anyone who disagrees can lick Aquaman’s chocolate starfish). Hugh Jackman is totally jacked and hughed and game for this adventure, but if this were a Choose Your Own Adventure, we’d probably choose a different path for him to follow. We did like the shaz in the beginning where Wolfy and his equally facial hair gifted bro are fighting in every American war known to man, eggecept for the Cola Wars, and all the action sequences that follow throughout are kinda tight, like a man’s anus, but the filler in between, endless military talk, medical experiments and running from one locale to the next, isn’t eggzactly our idea of eggcitment. Tis kinda a shame it turned out to be so rudimentary, hispecially since they roped in a prestige director (Gavin Hood of Tsotsi fame… then again, Gavid Hood is also of Rendetion disfame. shame what Hollywood can do to a talented filmmaker), sum thespian best-ians (Liev Schreiber and Danny Huston) + eye candy for the ladies (Ryan Reynolds, Dominic Monaghan, Taylor Kitsch & that a$$hole from Lost, cause ladies love the a$$holes). Then again, this thing was doomed not to rule as soon it was revealed that Will.i.Am‘s mutant power was being a CNN hologram

Mutton Chop Phooey: where would Wolverine be (or any of us cool kids for that splatter) w/o Ambrose Burnside and his mutton chops? the man’s last name, in reverse, gave rise to one of the illest, moist important words of balls thyme… SIDEBURNS ^{[citation needed]}

Verdictgo: it wouldn’t be fair for us to give one, so if yer a crazy X-fan, see it in a theater, and if you’ve had enuff X-crap, then you can stay away and rela-X at home (at watch the legboot)

The Soloist
Cello Darkness My New Friend
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The Soloist is less about Nathaniel Ayers, a once promising Julliard student turned schizophrenic homeless virtuoso (Jamie Foxx, showing off his incredible ability for mimicry, like he did with Ray) and more about Steve Lopez, the jaded LA Times reporter who discovers and gives cover to him (Robert Downey Jr, so effin hammazin as a journalist once again, juss like in Zodiac… did you ever see that movie? juss had to ask for the 4 zillionth thyme). So much so that The Journalist woulda been a more apt title. As the great Time Werespanko pointed out to us, disability movies aren’t about the disabled, but about the person who has to help them. His main example was Rain Man, sayin it wouldn’t have worked tat all had Tom Cruise not been so balls to the walls in it (yet no Oscar nom for Tom? boo-urns!). Tis true what he says and the same thinking applies here, although The Soloist is Rain Main w/o the thunder and lightening cause it covers the feelings bases well, but not so much in the telling a story department. It does try to send a heavy handed message about the larger issue of homelessness in LA, and while it doesn’t fully succeed in getting it across, it was certainly worth trying to do so. Wees thinking that The Soloist was all over the place due to the fact that Joe Wright is out of his usual element here, directing a film that plays out in the modern era and is not starring Keira Knightley (although he did bring along his creepy friend Mr Collins from P&P). And yet despite its many flaws, we took to this beautiful film, as the performances elicited a few tears here and there, which is a sure sign of a fantabolous movie. So, have no fears for tears, or slapdash presentation, and go and see this flick that briefly stars a guy with one of the bestest IMDb headshots we’ve ever seeeeen

60 Minutes Divided By 5: justin case you missed the real deal, watch Morley Safer’s more rounded story on Mr Lopez and Mr Ayers… which also elicited tears from us. what can we say, we’re suckers for things that don’t suck

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Wolverine opens at a theater near Jews on Friday, where The Soloist is already isting

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…