The Lohan That Rox The Cradle of Love

Yessirree BOB my dearest THIGHLANDERS!!! No need to adjust your monitors or your crotch cause what you see is what you get: Her Royal Thighness the I, Lindsay Morgan Lohan, has now become HER ROYAL THIGHNESS THE III!!!! I can’t bee leave it either folks, but it’s the effin truth like Sloth/Popeye Jones lovin them some Baby Ruth!!! [pic via Wizniz] Ya know, they say you can’t go home again, but nobody said nuttin about not coming again on the same girl’s face again… and again!!!! Sure, Cuthbest was one great reigning Queen (since 10/20/04), lover, footstool, and coaster, but all the while, my heart and shlong always longed for my former thronemate. Think I need to eggsplain this more before your complain more and throw cans of Dinty Moore against the walls of my castle? I shall.

Ya see, as me and my board of trusted trustees (consisting of the likes of Jimmy Smits, Ilan Mitchell-Smith, Mayor McCheese, Lukas Haas, Ms Pac Man, Andy Rooney, Barret Oliver, John Stossel, and duhvs course, Dakota Fanbelt, who will have to live with me and the new HRT the III) were reviewing the possible candidates for weeks upon weeks and not even coming close to a decision, we decided to take some time off to celebrate the independence of my former homeland, America. Well something funny happened sometime Friday night/Saturday morning: I had one of those dreams again. Co-wince-eye-dent-lee, that next day, the 2nd of July, was LL’s 19th b-day. When I awoke, I qwikly paid my respects to Luther Vandross and my 1millyanth visitor, and then jetsetted on the 1st LA bound plane to sirprize my former belovededed on her special day. Plane landed and I headed straight to her 8th b-day party. I thighspotted her walking into a restaurant and cried out her name. I think she thought I was the stalkeraztzi cause all she did was turn her back and throw up a peace sign. But I grabbed her, in that way she always liked to be grabbed (one hand on her ass crack, the other choking her neck), and she knew that daddy had come home. We left her posse and party in waiting and qwikly caught up. What happened next was too graphic to describe, but lettuce juss say it was hottier than this. She was all set to re-take her place on the bone throne, but I gave her three caveats before shoving my cak down her cavities back in Thighland: 1) dye yer hair a freakin normal color 2) eat cupcakes everyday… off my grundle, and 3) stop being such a skankbot. She agreed to that and more and the rest is, shall we say, herstory. Welcome back sweettits. It’s been a long and winding road, but poppa’s ready to blow his load. You may juss end up HRT for life. And oh yeah, YOU ROCK!!

• In less important news, looks like NYC will be free of chaos in the summer of 2012. Maybe we can enlist Rush’s help to mcnabb the 2112 Olympics.

• Peace the fork out Vice Adm. James Stockdale!! I dont remember much about you, cept you acting kinda strange during yer debate with such goobers as Dan Quayle and Al Gore.

• Loved that Pink Floyd reunion? Too bad, cause it looks like that shiz aint happenin again

• Franz & The Archdukes have juss announced their US tour schedule. They hit up el Theatre at MSG Rocktober 16-17th.

• MacPherson & Pacino? I’d actually rather watch Vince Vaughn act than think of them humping.

• Tix for a-ha’s date at Irving Platz go on-sale today at noon

• Portman is smoking… HOTTASTICCULAR!!

• Shirley Bassey gets all sassy on Charlotte Church. I’d love to goldfinger them both. D-lode Shirley’s ‘Goldfinger‘

• Alba calls for an end to racism. Lemme help Jess, by dipping my kinish into your hybrid danish-fish taco thingiemajingie.

• Can’t wait for Spielberg’s next joint

• MasturCates

• B-wagon Boy picks the 15 Most Aweosme Americans of All Times!

• Butter late than never, but congrats Mr Ebert on gettin a star on Hollywurst’s Walk o’ Fame

• What’s the story with Jude’s hair? LiveHate it!!

• The mp3 yer THiGHPOD’s been missing: Sharapova moaning [via Daaaan]

• Robot Hand Performs Remote Breast Checks [via UMC]

• I think this urbanizing of McDonalds unies could end up being a good thing

• Be safe in the car and use a French-Fry Holder [via Rich E-z-EEEEE]

• The world famous Hamburglar Translator [via Mag Bastard]

• Never mix LSD and hot dog eating [via Drop Out via Ceffle]

• And this handing over of power shiz hasn’t really sat well with Her Former Royal Thighness the II, Ms Cuthelles. She started stealing all of my Donruss Rated Rookie cards, slashing up her hands, making love to a teddy bear, and let some guy point in her presence. Boy how the mighty have/hath/half jimmy fallen.