ЯЯ Cяossing

Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor)
From Russia With Blood Lust
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Riddle me this wo-man: What’s overloaded with vampire hunters, junky CGI, and gots more kwik cuts than Bill from Seven Locks Barbershop? Well, for starter jackets, there’s the pooporeffic Underworld, the Ryan Reynolds wrap/craptastic Blade 14, and shoves course, the king dung of em all, Van Helsucks. Night Watch, the first in a planned trilogy from Vodkaville, also falls into this category, but since its all in Russian, and thus, always in a hurry, it rises higher than Yuri Gagarin vs its American counterpoops. It may not strike gold on our shores, but it perestroikas the genre that so needs some perestroikainging!! To be more honest than Aperaham Lincoln, this was the mos fun I’ve had in theaters since the GROSSSSSSly underrated and grossly grossing The Island!! And it’s also one of the top three Russians movies I hath ever scene!!! Although, I’ve only seen three, including this, The Russian Ark, and Dziga Vertov’s The Man with a Movie Camera. Anywho, if you like fun AND Russians and can’t wait any longer for that never rumored tATu tour of America then yous should goes see this. We gots good Russians vs evil Russians, Russian spinal cords, Russian video games, hot blond hotties from Russia, Russian subway maps, old Russian women hitting pans, a Russian Darth-Luke relationship thing, Russian dressing, Russian sunglasses, SMG Buffy in Russian, Russian flashlights, Russian owls, Russia’s version of ‘Rabbit in Your Headlights’ [video], Russian cars, Russian things, Russian stuff, the Russian Hurley, AND ‘Fearless’ by the Braver, totally rizocking over the closing credits!! By the gay, don’t care what you spinx, but the Bravery are so much butter and 1/2 than the Killers, althizz they is the same eggzact thing. I’ll bet you $6.32 that the sophomore Killers album blows more goats than Billy Goat Blowers!! The only thing missing from Night Watch is yer butts in some theater watchin it and Oksana Akinshina, who should not be confused with Oskar Kokoschka wearing OshKosh B’Gosh!!!!! B’Goshskakakakaka!!!

Recommended for those who like: the Changeling, the scary things in Tool videos [video], and that droopy teeth thing all Russians have going for them

Possible Porno Name: (Cyril-Lick Dat) Tight Twat

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kontroll, or eat Count Chocula

Further Fun: One of Rembrandt’s mos famous painting be called ‘The Night Watch’, with the subtitle in honor of the Banning Cocq family: ‘De jonge heer van Purmerland als Capitein geeft last aan zijnen Lietenant de heer van Vlaerdingen om sijn compaignie Burgers te doen marcheren”'(literally: The young lord Van Purmerland as Captain gives order to his Lieutenant the lord Van Vlaerdingen to march his company Civilians’). I totally want to renounce my last name and become a Banning Cocqsucker!!! And while we’re ‘brandting it up, how bout his ‘The Syndics of the Amsterdam Drapers Guild’, eh? Think ole van Rijn would take pleasure in the fact that a masterpiece of his is one of the first things dilated peoples see right before they gets all blunted?

Apt MPupil3: ‘Tetris “A” Theme (Korobieniki)’ [d-lode OG or remix]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers