Text, Drugs & Alcohol

06. Aug, 2008 0 Comments

Pineapple Express
Two Bongs Don’t Make A Right
Trailers & Mo

If there were a Mount Rushmore for filmdom’s finest smot pokers, Cheech & Chong, Jeffrey Lebowski and Jeff Spicoli would be our picks for a foursome chiseled outta stone(r). There are plenty of other memorable midnight tokers worthy of such an honor, like the Texan kiddies from Dazed & Confused, the porch rockers of Friday, the mini-hamburger obsessed Harold & Kumar, the fully baked Half-Baked crew, the freedom lighters of Easy Rider and Brad Pitt’s method man acting in True Romance, but where do Judd Apatow’s Pineapple Expressionists Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) and Saul Silver (James Franco) rank? Well, if they made a Mount Poopmore, they’d be on there right next to any of the hammy actors from Reefer Madness and Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut. It’s not that Rogen and Franco can’t act stoned (and you know they can if you’ve seen the vastly overrated TV series Freaks & Geeks), it’s juss that the movie these stoners appear in isn’t much of a stoner movie so their performances are wasted (poor choice of words) and ultimately forgettable. It’s not even much of a comedy for that splatter, as the ‘jokes’ are about as flat as a 2-liter of RC Cola that has been cap-less for ten days. We’re sure you’ll laff more than we did (the total came to 2 chuckles, so BEAT THAT!), but then again, you probably worship Dane Cook and saw Semi-Pro in a theater. What the film ends up being is a silly (not in a good way) 8th rate action flick that makes the Eugene Levy-John Candy crapfest known as Armed and Dangerous look like Terminator 2 written by vintage Woody Allen. What’s even more disappointing is that the film was directed with such little skill or flair by David Gordon Green, a man of great talent who is way outta his league here. So peas, pass this douche-y on the left hand side and instead czech out Green’s other ’08 pic Snow Angels or The Wackness, although we weren’t fully enamored with it , you’d be better off inhaling from that joint than partaking in the shwag that is Pineapple Express

Shirt Tales: the bestest part of the entire movie is James Franco’s kitten being eaten by a shark t-shirt, yet the tee is a rip off of a shirt designed for Urban Outfitters by a clothing company called WOWCH and they aint too happy about it

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Bottle Shock
The O-enophiles: Pleasant Napa Valley Fundays
Trailers & Mo

There once was a time when California wines were considered to be about as classy as Married With Children and as world-renowned as Burger Chef. Then a lil thing dubbed the Judgment of Paris happened (aka the Paris Wine Tasting of 1976), where a bunch of stuffy Frenchies sirprizngly awarded blue ribbons to some Napa vineyards, and the rest is history. Bottle Shock recaptures these events, focusing primarily on Chateau Montelena (even doing a bit of filming on the grounds), its owner Jim Barrett (Bill Pulman, who on this ship you refer to as ‘idiot’, not ‘you Captain’) and his dippy refried beaned son Bo (Chris Pine, on this ship you refer to him as the new Captain Kirk!!), and how a British gent named (no, not that one) Steven Spurrier (Alan Rickman, finger looking good with a bucket of KFC) plucked them from obscurity and changed the face (and taste) of wine forever. Also along for the ride are Federico Diaz, that annoying Australian girl from Transformers who loves saying the word ‘supercomputer’, Count Dooku’s daughter [ytmnd] and Dennis Farina (doing the best he can w/o a gun). The film has an overly sundrenched and smiley tone about it, that’s reminiscent of the yumcredible Juicy Fruit ad from the 80s (the taste that’s gonna move ya!), yet despite all it’s wine & cheesiness, you juss can’t stick a cork in this one. It’s like a happier, lamer Sideways [TWS review], so take a whiff and then a sip and enjoy