Tag Archives: 3-D

Old Kids On The Blockbuster Poindexter

Tropic Thunder
The Perfect Storm
Trailers & Mo


If you haven’t heard about Tropic Thunder by now, you’ve probably been living under a rock or living in Iraq. Well, for those who fall under them two sedimentary categories, this film is a film within a film in the process of being filmed, although some of the events in the film are actually happening, within the film’s world of reality, yet the actors playing actors think it’s all for the film (to put in simply, it’s a Vietnamese ¡Three Amigos!). A confusing mouthful to spray the least, but this baby’s all about self-reflexivity (the faux trailers at the beginning rival the ones in Grindhouse), and moist importantly, unleashing the hilarity, at the expense of the Hollywood Studio system. After an endless summer of middling (Step Brothers, Love Guru) to mostly forgettable comedies (Zohan, Get Smart and Pineapple Express), Tropic Thunder roars in, offending in all the right ways, as the sharpest laff riot we’ve had the pleasure of seeing seen since last year’s Death At A Funeral and Hot Fuzz

You know ya got something mighty special on hand when both Ben Stiller (playing the blue chip actioneer Tugg Speedman, who’s desperately seeking respectability) and Jack Black’s (farting it up as Jeff Portnoy, a Eddie Murphy/Chris Farley love-wild-child) overacting doesn’t over do it, like it has in the last 7 annoying comedies they’ve appeared in. Stiller’s stellar work in particular (also the film’s director and co-writer, along with Justin Theroux?) restores his status as the modern day king of satire (at least until ZAZ relearn how to be funny), last put on glorious display in Zoolander and seen at it’s all time bestness on the short-lived, but long-loved The Ben Stiller Show (we wished he was able to fit the ‘Platunes’ musical number from Oliver Stoneland in somehow)

The film also contains strong performances from Nick Nolte (duh), Matthew McConaughey (finally taking a break from all the rom-com crap, as Stiller’s agent), Tom Cruise (sure to be a crowd favorite as the balding greedy studio boss, who cusses a lot… the cussing isn’t funny, but seeing Tom Cruise out of his element is) and lesser known talents Brandon T. Jackson (the Booty Sweat guzzling Alpha Chino) and Jay Baruchel (straightman Kevin Sandusky), who do a fine job keeping up with the big names on the poster. Steve Coogan (the film within the film’s short-lived director) and Danny McBride (the F/X guru) make less of an impression here, but then again, there’s not enuff room for everyone to shine when Robert Downey Jr (Aussie chameleon Kirk Lazarus, donning some Al Jolson blackface and spurting many a blaxploitation isms) is chewing up a majority of the scenery. Like with Iron Man, Tropic Thunder would be a solid movie w/o the services Downey, but it’s elevated to new heights with him at the forefront. Mos comedies get overlooked come Oscar time, but RDJr’s work is so unbelievable (we shook our heads in disbelief for every frame he was in) that he will rightfully deserve any recognition that’s coming to him for being ‘the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!

National Lampoon: Downey and Stiller both appeared in another Hollywood satire called That’s Adequate. By the looks of the trailer, it doesn’t look adequate enuff to watch on BetaMax. Fo further Thunder madness check out Rain of Madness

Verdictgo: Breast In Show


The Clone Wars
The Clone Lamer
Trailers & Mo


The Clone Wars is the second cartoon called The Clone Wars, which chronicles the much mo interesting events that lie between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, cept this one is less cartoonish than the first set and more CGI heavy/muddled like the recent movies. It’s basically the first three episodes of the series that will air this fall on Cartoon Network and this serves as one giant marketing campaign for it. If you were a fan of the new films (today’s youth and adults with no taste) and their pop corny dialog, you’ll probably eat up this expansion of the Star Wars universe (sirprizingly the script was not written by Lucas, although it’s equally as refarted as anything he’s done), but for the rest of us Ep I-III detractors
, this is juss more bantha poodoo that will make you want to throw up and wish that we never grew up

You can juss tell that something’s amiss right off the bat when it begins with a Warner Bros logo instead of the infamous 20th Century Fox one, and in lieu of the famous yellow crawl (make your own here) we get (mis)treated to a voice over that reeks of game over. While we do see some familiar faces, and hear some familiar voices (Christopher Lee, Samuel L Jackson and Anthony Daniels are the only ones who lent their talents), all the new stuff blows more goats than Yaddle. Obviously this stuff is aimed more towards the kiddies (herspecially the female ones), but is that any eggscuse to introduce the two mos awful and irksome characters since Jar Jar Stinks? First there’s Anakin’s female Padawan Ashoka (voiced like she was Hannah Montana by David Eckstein’s wife), who calls the elder Skywalker ‘Sky Guy’ and often refers to R2-D2 as ‘Artooie’. URGH, what the frak is this, Jedi Teletubbies? And then there’s Jabba The Hutt’s gay uncle (or is it aunt) Zero The Hutt. He/she is dressed like a Mardi Gras whore and apparently is the third character to strap on Truman Capote’s nasally voice in as many years. It’s the mos unforgiving and laffable thing to hit this galaxy since Padme showed her future hubby the holophotos of her playing with walrus children (Lucas was right, for once, to delete the scene). All in all, it’s still Star Wars-related, so it is semi-watchable, but this new venture will probably work a lot better when it hits the small screen, so until then, feel free to sith thru this rubble

Space Pirate Booty: Padme’s curves were nicely drawn (although not as nice as they is in these NSFW shizies), and the face behind her voice, Catherine ‘Cat’ Taber, needs to have her face, and body shown a lot/hot more

Faptooine 4eva!

Verdictgo: Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Fly Me To The Moon
Winged Degradation
Trailers & Mo


Fly Me To The Moon is billed as the first ever animated movie for 3-D. Guess we’ll have to wait for the second feature to add the adjective ‘good’ into that sentence. Not that this 3-D adventure of three flies sneaking onto Apollo 11’s journey to the moon isn’t cool to gape at (for the first 5 or so minutes, before the novelty starts to wear off), but it’s juss that the flies don’t make for very engaging characters to care about. The filmmakers may have been better off if they ditched the pests altogether (or have Mr Miyagi swat them with chopsticks) and instead concentrate on the astronauts (Buzz Aldrin‘s voice adds a bit of authenticity to the project). Actually, parents may be better off showing their kids something with real substance and wonder like the top doc In The Shadow of The Moon. There is one thing monumental about the project and it has nothing to do with it’s dimension: Christopher Lloyd finally gets to become a member of the McFly family, adding his vocals for the Grampa McFly character

Hot Buzz: we often tout Ali G’s interview with Aldrin, where he informs him about horses on Venus, but lest we forget about his yumcredible cameo in the Simpsons‘ ep ‘Deep Space Homer’

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Thunder opens everywhere today, while Wars and Moon will open this Friday at a theater near Jew

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Anaglyphicooleyhighharmony

first there was Step Up
then there was Step Up 2 The Streets
and next Up?…

Step Up 3-D!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaah fothermuckers!!!

eat your farts out Jaws 3-D!!!

further ‘Ding:

The Illustrated 3D Movie List (1915 to the present)

The Top Ten List of items coming out of the screen in 3-D films

SI Swimsuits in 3-D

View-Master®, original inductee of the National Toy HoF

3-D, Casey Siemaszko’s greatest role

…can’t wait for Step Up 4’nication

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Must Flee TV

I’m no expert on television but I have serious doubts that anyone really watches some of those highly touted big network shows that always top the Nielsen ratings. With the interwebs, the Wii, and masturbation back in fashion, who has time to watch this shit? I don’t, and dat’s why I limit what I watch to things that are good. But am I missing something? Do you folks watch any of this poop on a stick? Here’s my take on dem shows w/o ever watching a second of any of dem…

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Cold Case/Criminal Minds/Numb3rs – are th3s3 thr33 shows the sam3 thing? I know th3 last on3 has som3thing to do with numb3rs AND David Krumholz, but what about the oth3r two? Th3y look about as 3xciting as H3br3w School! If Mandy Patinkin do3sn’t have a mustach3 and isn’t chall3nging a man in black th3n why should I car3?

The other CSIs – besides the one with the whore from China Beach and that dude from Manhunter, I don’t buy for a second that anyone watches the spin-offs. Miami sounds like a fun place, but not when that David Caruso dude is runnin around it spewin one-liners. As for the NY one, I bet they film maybe 1% of every episode in the city. Where do they do the film rest, My Anus? Sorry, I meant YOUR anus!

NCIS – is this a CSI show with dyslexia? Or is this the Presidio sans the ‘talents’ of Sean Connery

Shark – was this the only show with a movie star attached to it that wasn’t cancelled? If they wanna reel me in they better do something gimmicky like Shark: 3-D

Medium – I can’t figure out what’s more painful, listening to Patricia Arquette talk or looking at her mangled teeth that make Toni Collette look like the poster child for Crest toothpaste

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Bones – I gotta winner for ya, Zooey’s fugly sister and Buffy’s Angel do stuff!! What stuff, I have no idea. Maybe they’re digging for the secret ingredients of Oreo Double Stuf cookies. No BONES about it, if this came on my TV, I’d be forced to change des-chanel!

ER – who the f$ck still watches this show? I never ever did. I hate shows about hospitals. The only one I ever watched was Doogie Howser and that’s only cause he was the forefather of blogging. I do sweat Maura Tierney (sorta the OG Pam Beasley), but sister, tits time to look for some other work. If that doesn’t come thru, I pay a nickle per mustache ride

Ugly Betty – there’s something seriously wrong with shallow America when this succeeds and Chicks With Huge Boobs: The Show doesn’t even get picked up by a network

Any Sitcom That’s Not The Office or 30 Rock – I like My Name Is Earl, but I wouldn’t say that it was funny. The OC is laughable, but it’s not suppose to be. And everything else? What, juss cause George Lopez is a minority that makes his show funny? Hopefully the nets will take a cue from dem NBC besterpieces and create sitcoms that are actually funny. Know how you can usually tell if they will be or not? They ones that work don’t have laff-tracks. Don’t bee leave me, then just ask Andy Millman about his broad comedy When The Whistle Blows. Are YOU having a laugh?

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and for anyone who cares, the 1st reality show I’ve taken to in a bong arsed thyme is The (White) Rapper Show. Serch it out and let it destroy yo brain cells

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The Wonderful Worldof Deez Nutz

Exec Produced by George Lucas
Directed by Francis Ford Coppola
Starring Michael Jackson
never forget the Disney 3-D poo fest that was
CAPTAIN EO

Peace the fork out to: Lily Munster/Moses’ wife, the man who banged Sophia Loren, Scooby Doo’s doer, Jimmy Connors’ mum, Coltrane’s bizatch, MLKJr’s secretary, Judith’s toon porn producer hubbie, the father of Austin’s freeways, and Secret Santa

Breastest show on TV that no one I know is watchin but everyone should be: 30 Rock. Don’t bee leave me? Then how do explain Tracy Morgan being a comic genius?

Cuthbest proves she’s a Canuck [Carl Hungus]

Rumor has it that Lily Allen will be musicing on SNL in a few weeks. In the meantime, enjoy her cover of the Specials klassic ‘Blank Expression’

Rumsfeld Leaves Most Recent Job Off Resumé

product I’m still waitin for: Renee Zellweger’s EXTREME SOUR LEMON Candy

Tara Reid Swimming with Dolphins

Hot vay-cay spot: Tatooine [Navi]

How are area codes assigned?

The Doctor Who Scarf

Praise Jesus (pronounced ‘Hey-Zeus’): Mexico Predicts Drop in Tortilla Prices [Stacked]

Who Are These Guys? Seriously, we may have to call in Jessica Fletcher [AC Deez Nutz]

and how come Hollywood’s finest fictional (almost) couple are far more fascinating than any of the real ones?


Golden Globes Boobs pics galore: Pt 1 & Pt 2

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Sintacular Sinema

Sin City
So f#$king HOT‘ – Pat O’Brien
View Trailer

she must have learned her skills from benihana's chefs

Despite what you think, this udderly franztatsic visually arresting eye orgasm of a movie is not 2 + hrs filled with Jessica Alba swaying her leather clad hips with lasso in tow. Knowing that you’d probably stink that that would be a BAD thing. Come to spank of it, Alba’s (and Michael ‘how do people keep hiring him?’ Madsen) acting chops were probably the least memorable parts of the whole sha-thang. The rest of cast howevs shines brilliantly in front of the blue (green?) screen. Devon ‘Hottie Owl Face’ Aoki gets no lines o dialog and still rocks the hiz-ousele with swastika ninja stars! And don’t even get me started on how much I want Marley Shelton’s red lips wrapped around my burrito. And who would have ever guessed that Elijah Wood could be menacing, as a Charlie Brown-Harry Potter-Wolverine hybrid from hell? Or how bout being able to sit thru an entire Brittany Murphy film? Finally Ebert & Roeper can shut up about her starring in the bratwurst of the wurstest. To hell with the actors, all the real kudos though should be saved for co-directors Frank Miller & Robert Rodriguez and their team of visual and special effects artists for creating, by far, the greatest comic to movie adaptation of alls thyme! Eat your farts out Dick Tracey AND Sky Captain and The World of Zzzzz!! Some might say Robert Rodriguez’s greatist work ever. Or maybe even Mickey Rourke’s, or Powers Boothe’s, or even Alexis Bledel’seszzes! If you ever plan on seeing this movie in yer lifetime, do it in a theater, for the full eye-candynessistic eggspearence. By the lay, did I mention that Benicio kinda looks bitched @ swirth with Jack White?

Recommended for those who like: movies, women, and guys who like movies with women who lasso, but don’t get nekkid.

Unsatisfied with this? Find a-Ha’s video for ‘Take On Me’.

The Ballad of Jack and Rose
Not Titanic Part II or Another Cougar Mellencamp Ditty
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eyebrowser yowser!

Daniel-Day Lewis doesn’t juss act in any movie, therefore this one already had an aura of ‘muss c’ written all over it. And while it’s no My Left Foot, it mos certainly aint Gangs of New Bore, although I wouldn’t mind if he sported that stache in every movie. The story, from which I’m sure 4 of you maybe heard about, focuses on aging communer Jack (Daniel-D), who single-handed raises his sheltered, yet carefree daughter Rose (played by del-lish-us up and cummer/my new mos flavorite 18-year-old of the moment, Camilla Belle) in a secluded tiny isle off of the American mainland, which is next up on Beau Bridge’s suburban redevelopment hell list. As Jack’s health deteriorates, he brings in his girlfriend (Catherine Keener) to help out and give Rose the motherly figure she’s long been with out. Along with the lady, comes her two sons (both brills) and the end of Eden as we know it for our title characters. Rose feels betrayed and goes to great lengths to drive her new ‘family’ out of her and pa’s once perfect eggsitance. What eggzatcly happens is for you to find out, but Director Rebecca ‘Arthur’ Miller does an eggsalad job of taking us on that journey from paradise, to paradise lost. Sure, the ending felt a bit rushed, but there’s enough here to give it my seal of apple-roval. Did I mention that Camilla’s eyebrows are the new Jordana Brewster’s eyebrows? No diggty.

Recommended for those who like: the kid from L.I.E., West Virginia family relations, and Jason Lee, in a role that may sirprize you… btw, is it me or has Ryan Reynolds stolen all of his roles lately?

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Professional.

Dear Frankie
A Letter Worth Replying To
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almost better than Dear John with Judd Hirsch

Here’s another gem that I’m sure has already played and left your local cinematorium. Well, that’s a crying shame considering how wonderful this film truly is. It may be a lil sappy for some, but this is my Billy Elliot (boy was that movie a shitterd). Similar to Jack and Rose, where a parental figure is absent and a new person comes into the picture, Frankie has the roles reversed, mother (the mt everest beautiful Emily Hottimer) raises sheltered deaf boy, and they don’t live in Eden… far from it, seaside Scotland. Anywho, Frankie’s mum has been lying to him all of his life about his father’s whereabouts, telling him he’s a seaman, when in fact he’s an abusive arsehole. When pa’s ‘boat’ is headed to town, mum is forced to decide between tellin Frankster the truth or continuing the ruse. She picks the latter and hires a man to act as Frank’s papa. What started as a business proposition turns into something a lil more than she bargained for, and this is where the movie eggcels. Did I mention how much I want Emily Mortimer to be the mum of my children?

Recommended for those who like: fish, chips, and actresses who looks like Pamela Reed.

Unsatisfied with this? See Millions, which is reviewed below.

Downfall
Hitler Gets Humazined My ASS!!
View Trailer

but when will we see Hitler On Ice?

I muss admit, had I seen this before making my Oscar picks, I might have said it was the one to beat in the Best Foreign Film category (which netted my fav of 2004 Sea Inside a golden boy). Oh boy is this recount of the Third Reich’s final days franz fascinating. If you have any interest in history at all, you MUSS see this. It’s been a long while since we’ve seen a Nazi movie that doesn’t primarily focus on the Holocaust, Lee Marvin, or Indiana Jones. What we do get is a claustrophobic depiction of life in Hitler’s bunker as Berlin crumbles all around. Could you imagine being stuck underground with Der Lover of Watermelons? Many a reviews have made a point of saying this flick ‘humanizes’ Hitler, but I beg to differ. The guy was still a forking psycho who never gave up, even when all pastabilites were eggsausted and his men were starting to turn on him. I mean, is shooting your dog and committing suicide human? Well, not the kind of human I want to be or be around. Spank you berry much.

Recommended for those who like: people shouting in German, watching Nazis lose, and Michael Jackson’s HIStory.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Blind Spot: Hitler’s Secretary.

Millions
So Effin Money
View Trailer

i'd buy a lot of fried chicken wit dat scratch

I had my doubts about Danny Boyle after he followed up one of the greatest movies of all time, Trainspotting, with two microwaved tunafishes: A Life Less Ordinary and The Beach. Then came 28 Days Later, the better zombie flick of the past 2 years, and my faith was mostly restored. And with Millions, a film about faith and money, he hasn’t earned the right to be re-canonized, but he’s fo shozzle off my shit list for good. Mr Boyle is in-jason-capel-a-bull of repeating himself, and for that, I will always look fwd to his next joints. What, you wanted to know something about the movie? It’s cute and you can drag yer g or b-friend to it. Did I mention that our lil hero, Alex Etel, has the cutestest set of freckles this side of Punky Brewster?

Recommended for those who like: charity, the eventual peace the fork outing of the British Pound, and the bible.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Brewster’s Millions.

Aliens of The Deep
Why 3-D IMAX Was Invented
View Trailer

3-Dork

Get stoned and go see this.

Recommended for those who like: to get stoned and see 3-D IMAX movies. What, you need two more reasons to go and see this?

Unsatisfied with this? Then you must be an ex-pot smoker. Netflix Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit you square!

Born Into Brothels: Calcutta’s Red Light Kids
The Kids Stay In The Picture
View Trailer

30 minutes in and i was hooked...er

Speaking of the Oscars, there was no doubt that this was gonna kick Morgan Spurlock’s super-sized arse off the stage that magical evening for Doc’s best prize. I mean, I could have made that documentary when I was at college, living off of 5 BK Whoppers for 5 bones. But this spot isn’t reserved for the fu-manchu-McD’s-munching-mini-Michael Moore. No, that honor goes to the whores, and their children who are stuck in the Red Light district lifestyle. Enter Zana Briski, who is so taken by these lil hopeless utes that she does the only thing she knows how: teach them photography, and maybe that’ll be their ticket outta there. What starts off as a slow burn/start, turns into a delightful sizzle/story as the kids’ creativity becomes unleashed and their futures’ seem limitless. Too bad that whatever they do it’s awfully hard to shake the stigma of being a prostitute’s child. Their story is important and had to be told. Maybe we can all help these kids, instead of ceasing to down McNuggets.

Recommended for those who like: Kodak moments, smiling Indian kids, and curry in a hurry.

Unsatisfied with this? Bang a hooker.

Inside Deep Throat
Open Up And Say Ahhhh
View Trailer | Blog

the porno stache needs to make a cum back... or cum shot

If you took Boogie Nights, presented it in style reminiscent of VH1’s I Love The 70s, and threw on Time/Life’s Ultimate 70s in the background, you’d purty much come out with Inside Deep Throat, the behind the scenes, after the orgasm look at the blue movie that started it all. And spankfully it got an NC-17 rating, so we’re all free to see Linda Lovelace shove Harry Reems’ sausage down her thrizz, while talking about the flick’s social and political implications. I think some people would call that infotainment. I call it ‘worth a peep’.

Recommended for those who like: BJs, O-faces, and John Stossel’s stache.

Unsatisfied with this? Watch the Catholic High School Girls In Trouble [NSFW] part of Kentucky Fried Movie.

D.E.B.S.
S.O.R.T.A. B.L.O.W.S.
View Trailer

don't skirt the issue

Despite the umcredible rotoscoping, this one unfortunately falls flatter than Louie Anderson on a 14 year-old’s set of breasts. How can it be humanly possible to take a set of young crime fighting girls in skirts (one of them being my Thighcubine, Devon Hotkoi), with one of them falling for another girl, and turn it into a no-so trip down man’s fantasy lane? I dunno, but if this is the best director Angela Robinson can do here, juss imagine (or don’t) what she’ll do with Lohan and Herbie. Eeesh. Did I mention that Jordana Brewster is even mo hotttier in person than she is in bed with my eyes closed?

Recommended for those who like: Owl-faced girls smoking cigs, light lezzie action, and quality rotoscoping.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.

The Jacket
It Doesn’t Fit, But Don’t Acquit
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only a window can keep me from KK

Mos psychological thrillers have two types of uneggcetable endings: one that is a complete cop out (see, or don’t see Hide & Seek) and one where nothing is ever really explained or makes one lick of sense (see, or don’t see The Ring). The Jacket is guilty on the second charge (Adrian Brody time travels in his head to help people in the present?), but that doesn’t stop it from being totally unwatchable… read: where else you gonna see a brief glimpse of Keira Knightley’s boobies (hopefully Domino)?

Recommended for those who like: dog tags, Daniel Craig’s blue blue eyes, and Kris Kristofferson’s complexion.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Jacob’s Ladder.

Melinda & Melinda
Boring & Even Boringer
View Trailer

A Day At The Racezzzzzzzzz

What a crying shame. Woody Allen still reels in top talent (Will Ferrell, Chloe Smellygny, that kidnapped fat chick down the well from Silence of the Lambs), but does not one thing with them. His recent crop of movies seem to run on autopilot… one which was last updated around 1987. Sure he’s had some goodies since then, but nothing that any of us will likely remember in decades to come. I wouldn’t say the Woodman is done, but I expect more, not to be floored, but not to be bored either. If I wanted that, I’d go to a baseball game and take a nap.

Recommended for those who like: Hollywood Ending, The Curse of the Jade Scorpion, and Small Time Crooks.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Sweet & Lowdown.

Be Cool
Be Gone!
View Trailer

thanks for ruining my 2005

Oh my forking gawd. What’s worser than seeing a whoreible flick on opening night? Trying to conjure up my thoughts and feelings about it, when I’ve tried so hard to repress them in the annals of my anal mind. You will not laff for one minute of this movie. If you do, please go read a boring blog instead. OK, the Rock’s bit as a gay bodyguard was kinda amusing, but it was a bit overshadowed by the body he was guarding: the MOS UN-FUNNY ‘ACTOR’ IN THE MILKY WAY, Vince Vaughn. I felt like I was watching an American remake of Snatch, cept they replaced all the cool elements with something I pooped out of my a$$ after spending 3 hours at Pizza Hutt’s lunch buffet and somehow found space to throw in Steve Tyler’s disAlGoresting lips. This makes Kevin Spacey’s Beyond The Sea look like The Sea Inside.

Recommended for those who like: scripts written on cocktail napkins, microwaving tin foil, and Two and 1/2 Men.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Citizen Kane.

Until next time, the balcony is clothed…

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