Thighs Wide Shut

thanks you for purty pictures Milton Glaser
herspecially for the I ♥ NY logo
you is almos greater than Milton Bradley (not the Cubbie)
but how ya gonna top the guy who invented the game of Life?

Two Lovers
The Rapper’s Pre-Delight
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Joaquin Phoenix‘ got problems, and we’re not even talkin about the muy malo ones in his new not-so-hip-hop life, like falling off stages and I’m Not There talk show appearances (Baldwin!). In what may be his final screen performance (which means it probably won’t be his final screen performance), Phoenix’ got onscreen problems, like having the horrible dilemma of choosing between Gwyneth Paltrow (showing some NSFWness that only baby Apple gets to see) and Vinessa Shaw (a fine Eyes Wide Shut actress that Hollywood has basically ignored). His Jewish parents (mum’s played by the not so Jewish Isabella Rossellini), with whom he lives with and works for, are pushing him towards family friend Shaw, but his heart keeps pulsing for the blond goy (and which Jew’s heart wouldn’t?). Mos men enjoy the chase/challenge of bagging an out of their league honey, instead of being chased and going for the easy lay, and Phoenix’ lovable loser character (think a more attractive Marty) is apparently like most men, and his choices may ultimately lead him to heartbreak hotel. While the title might suggest plenty of physical lust and caution, Two Lovers is more of an emotional mental affair, and that’s actually OK cause the film doesn’t require it (although we’re not complaining about Gwny’s boob flash). This film re-teams Phoenix with director James Gray for a third time (the other two being the gritty ditties We Own the Night and The Yards) with a role that completely suits his reserved and awkward demeanor (also correctly put on display in Parenthood, To Die For and Quills… we woulda included The Village, but playing The Village‘s idiot didn’t involve much acting). For way too long Phoenix has been miscast in parts that were bigger than his britches and his range (we weren’t buying him at all as Johnny Cash). So now that he’s hit a walk-off home run on his way to retirement (and hobo beardsville), it’s our hearts that are broken. Maybe we’ve taken him for granted and granite, and now it’s our turn to chase him

Moby Peaches: the only musician who gets less credit than Phoenix has gots to be Moby. Years after the release of his brilliant Play all the newbie fans seemed to hit the stop button. Tis a shame cause baldy’s been bustin out killah tunes in the ensuing years. His song ‘I Love To Move In Here’ [d], from last year’s overlooked Last Night (in retrospect, it should been near the top of our bestest of ‘008 list), is featured in a sultry, dick-teasing dance scene. Listen up, and get down!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Under The Sea 3-D
Sea’s Candy
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Jim Carrey‘s voice guides us on a 40 minute 3-D IMAX adventure down under the sea down under. There aint nuttin particularly special about these 20,000 leagues here that you haven’t seen on Planet Earth or the 88 other IMAX movies that took a dive, but watching ugly camouflage fish make beautiful looking fishes their dinner again and again in 3-D isn’t the worst way to spend your hard earned dollars. As the clock winds down we wondered if there was a point to this film, other than putting smiles on the faces of kids and stoners, and there is! Carrey explains in a few sentences that if we don’t take care of our planet some of these beautiful and ugly creatures will disappear forever. Tell us something we don’t already know. Actually, don’t and juss show us more clips of ugly fishes getting their grub on!

Dimension Films: 3-D is all the rage, but 4-D looks outrageyier! we mean, where else are you gonna see Elmo poop Skittles above yer head?

Verdictgo: for the kiddies/stoners Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Two Lovers and Under The Sea 3D open in limited theaters today

and until next thyme the balcony i
s clothed…

Figwit rules
and Figwit lives!

wonder if Bret ever warned Elijah about wearing that ring

AV Club interviews Bret & Jemaine

the funkmaster flextastic Time Out covers

Conchords Season 2 starts this Sunday, at the same exact time that Diablo Cody’s latest experiment/excrement premieres

Quantum of Solace
Finding Ever Bland
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Casino Royale (w/o cheese) ushered in a new era for James Bond, and for all its welcomed freshness, it ruled hard mostly cause it reminded us of the ye olde Connery Bond days that started the world’s love affair with the double 0 snapper. There wasn’t much glamor or glitz or explosions or car chases (OK, there was that one hamazin bit where the car tumbles for an entirety) or really any need for it cause Royale was juss Bond, gold bond (and not juss the fair-haired version, but a gold medal winner that keeps on gettin better and better with each viewing… thank you Showtime!). One would expect that more of the same straight-laced/forward awesomeness would be in store for Daniel Craig’s second adventure in a Tom Ford tux, but in this world, especially the film world, nothing is certain and tomorrow never knows, or dies. Yet no one would expect that the first ever Bond sequel, Quantum of Solace, which picks up on the action one hour after Royale ended with Bond shooting the mysterious Mr White in the leg, would return the franchise right back into the dark ages of convoluted storytelling and frivolous frivolity. There’s no gimmicky gadgets to be found, but it seemed to be the only thing missing from this mos disappointing misstep in the wrong direction. Don’t worry though kiddies, cause Craig still totally rocks and owns the Bond character, and we hope he continues to do so beyond his 4 film contact. So much so that it’s a lil hard to picture the former front-runner, and our top choice, Clive Owen, or anyone else for that splatter taking over that coveted license to kill

The main problem with Quantum of Solace is… everything. Well that’s not entirely true, since the 1st half of the film is somewhat enjoyable to watch, but after a certain point, it all starts to drag and drag and drag and finally reaches a conclusion that’s not really a conclusion and if it was a real conclusion you don’t feel like anything needed concluding cause you don’t know what the frak is going on or why it’s going on more than this sentence is running on! Wasn’t this suppose to be all about avenging the death of Vesper? Was her death avenged? We saw the movie and we still don’t even know. The poor directing (from the man that brought you Billy Bob Thorton and Halle Berry bangin raw on the floor, and Afghan kids loving dem some kites, but hating dem some being raped!) and very very sloppy editing didn’t help, and probably the fact that at least 3 people took a stab at the script. Also this henchman’s hair didn’t help, and we pray that no one dresses up as him for Halloween next year… or, while wees at it, Sarah Palin (who sullied good people who have similar last names), and come to think of it, she’d make an amazing Bond nemesis

We think there’s a plot in Quantum somewhere, but haven’t a firm clue as to what it is so we’re gonna tell you what happened (skip this paragraph if you don’t want to know jack… or jill). It starts out with something about James Bond in Italy interrogating Mr White and then not and then going to Haiti to randomly meet a hot chick (Olga Kurylenko, juss one of the fappable Quantum girls) where he also meets his villain (Mathieu Amalric) who’s not very villainous (what a waste of great great talent, so czech out the movie review below to read about his talents not being wasted), even though he has the bestest stare mt everest, yet we know he’s evil cause they tell us he his and cause he works for the mysterious Quantum organization, but there’s no mention of solace, or what the fraz Quantum is or does cept that he and his pals buy up land or something for some reason from other shady characters around the globe, and Bond finds this out at an opera in Austria or something so he wants to follow them to Bolivia but his credit cards are frozen so he goes to Italy to drag poor Marcus Mathis into this and then they finally go to Bolivia, where we also meet a new MI6 agent who is also hot (Gemma Arterton, yet another one of dem fappable Quantum girls) and they all attend a party where the villain is talking to people (in English!) and then the hot chick pops up again and then like more stuff happens and there’s a dusty old plane ride in the desert and then water’s discovered and stuff and its boring and then Felix Leiter (Jeffrey Wright, who should always appear in every movie with a beard) shows up and talks to Bond for like 8 seconds and then they watch the movie 8 Seconds Bond and the first hot chick go into a different desert where some stoopid fat Generalissimo or Colonelissimo or hater of Col Mustard is signing the papers our villain wants him to sign, and then gunshots are fired and then explosions are exploded and then there’s some desert desertion and then the basic story of Solace is dunzo. After that we finally get some sorta kinda closure on the Vesper stuff, but not really, and Bond and M (whose matriarchal relationship with her young agent is by far the bestest aspect of the film) talk in the snow and then the credits roll and at the end of the credits they say ‘James Bond Will Return’, but no mention of the return being bigger and badder and munch better than what we juss saw

Wowzer, that hexplanation almos give us more of a brain melt than Synecdoche, NY did, cept S, NY came from the genius mine of Charlie Kaufs and Solace didn’t (hmmmm, there’s an idea). Seriously, WTF is with the plot? We had to read three different Wikipedia pages to even sorta figure out how it all fits together and how all the characters relate to each other, but after absorbing that knowledge, we still don’t know nothing, and as time passes from our screenin
g, we’re starting not to care. Doesn’t really matter though cause ye gonna see this flick even if we told you that Solace is nuttin but 2 hours of Dame Judi Dench writing in her diary about her fantasies of friendships with teachers. Actually that movie was already made, a damn fine one at that, but these words are (about) Bond! Guess the poor writing was on the wall after our initial lukewarm listenage of Jack White/Alicia Keys’ theme song, ‘Another Way To Die’. It’s fine, but it coulda been mo mo better, right? Hopefully Bond 23 will find another way to tell a story

München To Do About Something: although they don’t share a single scene together, you may want to find some solace by watching, for the first or hopefully zillionithethith time, Daniel Craig and Mathieu Amalric do some real dirty revenge work in the BRILLIANT Señor Spielbergo flick Munich

Verdictgo: sadly, Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

A Christmas Tale
(Un conte de Noël)
Family Fatale
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Yer bestest Mathieu Amalric bet at the movies this tweakend (for those in NY/LA… sorry everyone else) is actually not Quantum of Solace, but Arnaud Desplechin‘s udderly delightful A Christmas Tale, which is basically the French equivalent of A Family Stone, with juss as many family feuds and foods, good looking peoples, but luckily, with 100% less horseface (wethinks this equined-face rule should be an amendment added to the Constitution). Amalric is the erratically behaved black (and blue) sheep of his family, having been forcefully estranged years ago from anyone in the brood by his bitter (for no reason ever explained) sister (Anne Consigny, the grown up Emma Watson lookin beauty who joined Almaric in Diving Bell/Butterfly). But when it’s revealed that their mother (Catherine Deneuve, luminous as always) has cancer and a bone marrow transplant from one of her kin can possibly save her, it brings everyone together under one roof for the first time in a long time

Rounding out the cast is a who’s who of French cinema: Almaric’s lady friend Emmanuelle Devos (this is one of 7 films they’ve been in together!), Jean-Paul Roussillon as his warm father, hottie pie Melvil Poupaud as his peacemaking youngest brother, Deneuve’s real life daughter Chiara Mastroianni as Poupaud’s wife and thus Deneuve’s daughter-in-law on screen, and their painter cousin Laurent Capelluto, who’s been holding back his feelings for his cousin-in-law Mastroianni. There are plenty of other fine characters and actors to be found within the family/flick, but we can’t mention everyone cause this isn’t Cahiers du cinéma

Anywho, A Christmas Tale seems and is absurdly long, clocking in at 2 and 1/2 hours, but we’d be hard pressed to say that any of part of it is unnecessary. By the time Christmas day and it’s tale comes and goes and the nest returns to empty, we feel a bit sad to say goodbye to our new found friends and family, regardless of how dysfunctional they are. Luckily you can revisit them anytime you like, juss like we do every year with Ralphie and the rest of the fragile (pronounced Fra-gee-lay, since it must be Italian) Parker clan

A Hot Chip Off The Olde Block: step aside Eva ‘daughter of Susan Sarandon’ Amurri, cause we’re totally more hot these days for Deneuve’s fille Chiara Mastroianni

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Tale opens today in limited release, while Quantum leaps to a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

W.
The Fortunate Son Also Rises and Falls
Trailers & Mo

We know what yer thinking, George W. Bush’s life and crimes, told thru the cracked glass eye of Oliver Stone, a slam-dunk of left-wing filmmaking that would make Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 look like a walk in a 7-11, right? Well, believe it or snot, the sword remains in the Stone, as the olde blowhard holds himself back a little in sending up our reviled 43rd President. There’s even a bit of respect and humility to be found within, and you might juss find yerself sympathizing with the man who improbably followed in his father’s giant footsteps, even if he wasn’t remotely qualified or interested in the first place. Of course Bush doesn’t get off easy (this is Oliver Stone flick we’re talking about here), but the Cowboy Prez has given us all so many lay-ups throughout his two terms filled with poor policies, decision making and infinite amount o’ malapropisms that it’s impossible to make a GWB flick that doesn’t skewer him… although we’d love to see David Zucker give it a try. The result ends up being one of Stone’s most pleasurable, hilarious and rewatchable films to date. Not saying it’s close to being one his best, but this one’s a bit easier to digest than say Born On The 4th of July, Natural Born Killers or the headache that was U-Turn, which we saw on a plane and made us so sick that we almos jumped off the plane

They’ve never had an Academy Award category for best casting, but if they did W. would mos definitely win in less than a heartbeat. You’ve never seen so many spot on picks of look-a-likes (with a lotta help in the make-up dept) and the performances to back it up. James Brolin as Bush is beyond yumcrecible, and from Toby Jones slicking it up as Karl Rove to Richard Dreyfuss frightening us to death as Dick Cheney to Jeffrey Wright honoring the dishonored Colin Powell to Elizabeth Banks finally acting in a real movie as Laura Bush to Thandie Newton hamazingly sticking a pole up her butt to stiff it up like Condoleezza Rice, it’s one humongo treat to see such a display of near-perfect mimicry (SNL doesn’t count, especially since Darrell Hammond does 98% of the impressions). Everyone else in the cast is mad dandy, from Ellen Burstyn as Barbara Bush to James Cromwell as George Sr (Brolin suggested him for the role) to Scott Glenn as Donald Rumsfeld to Ioan Gruffudd as Tony Blair (what, Michael Sheen wasn’t available?) to Bruce McGill as George Tenet, but they merely appear, while the others mentioned above disappear into their real-life roles

After about an hour into the film, which shuttles back and forth between his wild and crazy salad days (although no mention of his coke habit?) leading up to being born again and the infancy of his presidency that dealt with selling WMD rumors to the World (and on the internets), the OMG novelty of the imitations wears off on the audience, even if the actors continue to ham it up. Since Bush’s story isn’t even close to being fully written, this premature take on his life, without the benefit of looking back (in anger), really has no where to go, other than wagging a no-no and uh-no finger over and over. We were eggspecting another bout of depression, like what happens when a Democrat watches HBO’s Recount, but the film ends up in a state exactly where our Commander in Chief currently resides, lame duckdom. Nonetheless, it was a duck worth shooting (filmwise, not bullet you sick fork!)

Stiller The One: would somebody please turn Ben Stiller’s Oliver Stone Land skit into a reality already?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

What Just Happened
Barely Levinson
Trailers & Mo

Besides a few decent bit parts here and there, Robert De Niro hasn’t shined dramawise since 1997, the year that saw the triple golden release of Jackie Brown, Wag The Dog and Cop Land. So many films in between have wasted his talents, turning the next cunning young Brando into the next sloppy old Brando. With Barry Levinson‘s What Just Happened, De Niro finally has a movie where he can be cool and not act the fool. Based off of Hollywood producer Art Linson‘s tell all book What Just Happened? Bitter Hollywood Tales from the Front Line DeNiro walks a marathon in his shoes, hand-holding needy actors, dealing with ex-wives (Robin Wright Penn?) and his offspring, and trying to convince a director (the always throaty, always amusing Michael Wincott) that having a dog shot on screen in the closing moments of a movie is probably not the recipe for box office success. De Niro as Linson makes perfect sense, considering he produced a bunch of Bobby’s films, including but not limited to The Untouchables, Heat and We’re No Angels
, which also starred Sean Penn, who plays himself in the dog gets shot movie within the Happened movie. There’s plenty o’ insider jokes strewn about (like Bruce Willis, also playing himself, who vehemently refuses to shave his beard before production begins on a film, juss like what happened with Alec Baldwin and the Linson produced movie The Edge), but most of them will go straight over the heads of any Hollywood outsider. The film plays out like a more mature, realistic season of Entourage, De Niro acting as an Ari & E composite, yet without all the glitz and glam and gams, it doesn’t even come close to being as delectable as the way too guilty pleasured HBO show. Entourage makes you want to jump in on the fun, but Happened makes you want to run away from it. We should probably follow the advice of the later, yet we’d rather keep watching Entourage. Wait, what just happened?

More Good Than Meagan?: Moon Bloodgood, so darn bloody good. we pray she MOONS us. and oh yeah, she shows one of her brestestestest to Bobby D in Happened

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Filth and Wisdom
Crazy/Beautiful Strangers
Trailers & Mo

There aren’t many out there who are fans of Madonna’s work in front of a camera, us included, and for the non-believers we should all be pleasantly sirprized at what she can do behind the camera. Filth and Wisdom is her first foray into directing, and while it definitely reeks of someone’s first try, it’s promising enuff that we certainly hope she tries again. The film is visually bare, and the script, by her recently divorced hubby’s EPK maker, Dan Cadan (she also snatched Tyrone, and Thigh fav Tommy The Tit from his Snatch), is overly trite (we coulda done w/o the looking into the camera narration with deep ‘wisdom’), but her characters, a pharmacist who steals drugs and wants to save starving kids in Africa (bright eyed Vicky McClure, see below), a ballet dancer turned stripper (hottie Holly Weston, but not this Holly Weston? [NSFW]), a formerly abused child now making cash as a S&M master to support his gypsy band (Gogol Bordello ringleader Eugene Hutz, a long overdue follow-up to his incredible work in Everything Is Illuminated), and a writer who lost his lust after going blind (Madonna pal Richard E Grant), are so colorful that you’ll want to see how the painting turns out

SeeQuest: is it juss us or does Vicky McClure look an awful lot like dearly departed Jonathan Brandis? you be the judge (dreads)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

W. opens wide, while Happened hits up limited theaters and Filth rocks out only in NY today

Rental Round-Up Dawg, Billy Donovan Edition:

You know how we feel about Donovan, don’t you? Well, if you didn’t, he’s probably the mos unappreciated living musician in the world today. While his 60s contemporaries like the Beatles and Bob Dylan have rightfully reached iconic status, Donovan’s extraordinary wealth of work has been hiding in the shadows for decades (having one’s songs in commercials don’t count). A crying shame if you ask us. And unlike the Beatles and Dylan, Donovan’s never had a documentary chronicling it all… until now. Juss released a week ago was Sunshine Superman – The Journey Of Donovan, a 3 hour + (!!!!) look back and forward on the folky Scottish troubadour that wants you to wear your love like heaven. Donovan himself does a majority of the talking here, and although it would have benefited from a few more outside sources (we wanted to hear Jimmy Page talk all about playing guitar on ‘Hurdy Gurdy Man’), his tales are worth listening to. This is a perfect DVD to get to know him and then some, especially for the diehards, and probably best watched in two sittings. There’s an additional bonus disc chock full o’ goodies including music videos, TV appearances and concert footage, unreleased songs and much much much much much much more. Go on now, take the journey!

Odds are pretty high that you missed last year’s absorbing and deeply tender doc Billy The Kid, about a wonderfully energetic and slightly off centered kid named… Billy. We loved it like crazy (it’s like American Teen, but with
one teen, who has more problems then all them teens combined!), and you will too, if you ever give it the chance. Had we seen it a bit earlier in 2007, it woulda most likely cracked our top ten of that year, and not juss been an Honor Blackmanable Mention. Sure, the disc may be a bit late in arriving, but we’re rewarded with a nice lil special feature of what Billy’s been up to and how the attention from the movie has affected him. Also, be sure to czech out the interviews with director Jennifer Venditti, which only enhances second viewings of this mos honest doc. The DVD will be released on 10/28

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…