Thighs Wide Shut

Ever sean Cube²: Hypercube, TV’s Invasion, or A Nero Wolfe Mystery with Timothy Hutton or Maury Chaykin? Didn’t sphinx so. Well, lemme me be the first to introduce you to the flyest blonde Saskatchewanian with a mark super DUPER long nose who gets paid to play William Fichtner’s fish of a wife: Kari Matchett (pronounced CAR-EE MATT-CHET). She kinda oddish exotica lookin, not in a Mary Lynn Rajskub kinda way, but more in the vein of Miranda Hotto. Anywho, I hearts her a lots. I want to INVASION her underpants! And no doubt, Sio Bibble agrees!!

Luna-tics [via ONTD]

Which coupling will last les longest: Braff & Moore, Yeoman & Davis, or Rooney & complaining? Tip: never bet against bushy eyebrows

Band interviews jump the shark

Ratu, the new tATu? Or is it Maureen?

Nice try SNL, but Young Chuck Norris is like a lazy Lazy Sunday on Saturday… or any skit involving Horatio Sanz

My mos flavorite spin-off site with only one post pt I:
Skeet On Willa

My mos flavorite spin-off site with only one post pt II:
Riders of Lohan

Helen Slater Supergirl costume = 0 bids [via Honey Rider]

Couple buy the Quicker Picker-Upper Diner, also gots a free DVD copy of Rosie’s directorial film debut, Can’t Stop The Music [via Brawny Man]

Biggest, mos footiest animated gif(t) of balls thyme

If you aint never been to the midwest, then you probably have never saved big money at MeNards, or heard their banjofied theme song [d-lode]

The Curse of the Neckbeard…

YTMNDawg: The Brian Peppers Song

Memories of a Panthers fan, including ‘the game with Travis where everyone was informed that we have herpes together‘

and PenguinMan & His Funny Songs

Recently, I had a lil convo with my adopted daughter, Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt the I, about how Ellen Burstyn and Denise Richards’ performances in Requiem for a Dream and Starship Troopers, respectively, were the mos hosed over come Oscar time. When I asked her which two bizatches’ performances would top her list, without blinking an eye, she replied, ‘Joan Cusack’s thumcredible work in 16 Cans and Lane’s nightmare calculator date hater from Better Off Dead.‘ At first I didn’t really understand what she meant by that, considering she is the devil, but all of the sudden, everything is illuminated…

[via Dlistina]

• Does this mean that when KK read my review, she beatoff with a bottle of HP sauce for 48 hours straight? Honey, if yer cravin the brown sauce, lemme eat some tacos from the truck and I’ll be over quicker than u can say lickity shitz.

• Reason #45512315 thousand thousand why our MTV Awards show blows goats and theirs doesn’t

• Every time I fly JetBlue (all of two times), for some reason I can’t stop watching the Game Show Network. Last time I viddied The Family Feud and this last go around it was all about the Tom Bergeron hosted version of Hollywood Squares. While I was in the process of slitting my eyes out, I kept wondering to myself, razor blade in hand, whatever happened to John Davidson and that killer hair? Luckily I’m an avid reader YCMIU, who’s always 4 steps ahead me.

• HRT the IV plans on penning a a sex guide book (I may write the foreword… or the index). And if you find that thought repulsive, try imagining Sarah Jessica Parker’s clown/horse face while having sex with Brian Peppers… who may actually be more attractive.

• Pay the man, Shirley

• Attack of the killer zzzzzzzs

• Apparently no one is safe from growing up awkward in the world of Harry Pothead. Not even everyone’s favorite twins, no, not those Aryan Nazi kids, but Fred and George Weasley!

• Wait til Fred hears about this! Yabba dabbo BOOOOOOO!!!

• I’m thinking about seeing the Ladytron DJs (Reuben Wu and Mira Aroyo) at Rothko in early November. Can anyone tell me if its a thing mary worth thingining?

• The 100 Oldest Currently Registered .com Domains [via Hairy Cubes]

• I’m all for a future where boobs store mp3s

• San Francisco in Jell-O

• Is Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorffwelchevoralternwarengewissenschaftschafe rswessenschafewarenwohlgepflegeundsorgfaltigkeitbeschutzenvonangreifeudurch ihrraubgierigfeindewelchevoralternzwolftausendjahresvorandieerscheinenersch einenvanderersteerdemenschderraumschiffgebrauchlichtalsseinursprungvonkraft gestartseinlangefahrthinzwischensternaitigraumaufdersuchenachdiesternwelche gehabtbewohnbarplanetenkreisedrehensichundwohinderneurassevonverstandigmens chlichkeitkonntefortpflanzenundsicherfeuenanlebenslanglichfreudeundruhemitn icheinfurchtvorangreifenvonandererintelligentgeschopfsvonhinzwischenternart Zeus igraum Senior the new John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, or is it the other way around?

• Wax On, Wax Hoff [via Pakulashaker]

• And lastly, but not leastly, we bid much adieu (a ‘peace the spork’ is kinda rude here) to the great, great, great, great, great, great, Rosa Parks. She hated standing (right Cedric?), she hated Outkast, she probably loved Olney, MD (home of Hofpenis and Guns n Rosenthal), and apparently, she appeared in an episode of Touched by an Angel. I mean, what else is there to say, cept thanks for making a stand… by sitting, which is what our country does best.

1913-2005

• Gawd blessed be my father. For we may have not had a lot in common when I was growings up (he sported a cottage-cheese collectin mustache, while I was terrified of facial hair. I lived for Jennie Garth, while he lived for Little Debbie). But times have certainly changed. He ditched the stache for a much butter barry peppered beard (or would that be brian peppersed beard?) and I rocked one myself, although I did flirt with a stache for a bit. And we both share a love for all things os-good: my mumsy, anything playing at a Landmark Theater, and the thing all us humans must do in order to live, eat. Cept him and I tend to go alpha-beta-gaga for anything considered junk/comfort/greasy food. I mean, the dude was raised midwestern style all up in White Castle & Steak ‘n Shake goodness. Which brings us to yesterday, Father’s Day. To my knowledgee, nothing had been planned. Then 2 weeks ago, I received a to-the-point email (as papa often drafts) detailing our plan: a progressive dinner consisting of wings and apps @ Hard Times, sangwhiches galore @ Roy’s Place (with over 200 to choose from!), and wrappin it up wit some soft-serve bestness at the DQ (which NYC is sadly lacking, along with 23477324 other ta-chings). I’m so proud to be your son, dad. And I was even more proud that I had room in my tummy after eating #118 from Roy’s (two Polish sausages wrapped in bacon, with broiled provolone cheese, buried in cole slaw & Russian dressing on French bread).

• Related: best place to buy gifts and other fine chotchkes for pa, ma, fa, la, and anyone else under the son in the MoCo area? Give Second Hand Rose a go. Next time I’m bringing my camera to show AND tell you all about it.

No more sap, and on with the crap!!!

• Could Coke Zero be the first official soft drink of Thighland? I’m sure Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper would have sum-tang to say about dat!! Insert second Brian Peppers ref here. Buy Brian Peppers tee there.

• Lohan’s ex-gynormo bazongas were NOT digitally reduced sez Herbie director. Either way, this will be the bounciest G-rated movie I’ve seen since Flubber.

• Sex Pistols the latest wasbeens to reunite for Live 8. Who’s next? My money is on ABBA, The Talking Heads, or Jesus and his 12 boyz… all of which will most likely never happen.

• Leonardo BiCaprio was attacked with beer bottle! No motive has been ascertained, although I suspect that the woman who did this was a die-hard Growing Pains fan, and was none too pleased with the addition of his character in the twilight years of the show. Don’t show her that smile again. [pic via DV]

• Alex Kapranos, of Archduke fame, was mistaken as a British spy and detained in Russia. Apparently he was trying to steal the secret plans on how to make those matryoshka/nesting dolls.

• What would 24 the movie be? 102… minutes?

• Want somebody to shove? Well, u can no longer add Soul Asylum bassist Karl Mueller to yer potential shovees cause the dude forked the peace runaway train outta town.

• The free paper that brings you ‘Spot the Drummer‘ (which has been fazed out of our Friday posts), brings you one of the longestest articles you ever did see about Matthew Lesko, the uber-annoying dude in the riddler suit who wants u to take free money from the g-mint. Who knew that he really does wear that suit everywhere and rides around town in a car tripped out in question marks??!?!?! [via My Man Marvelous]

• Enjoy the silence music

• Is ‘more raw and funky‘ the new ‘raw & the cooked‘?

• EW makes me boo, while RS makes me goo. I’m still waiting for Highlights to make me do something.

• How do you make a box of Tampax crazy/sexy/cool? Put the always adorable Kelly MacDonald in one.

• CBS News Sunday Morning‘s Bill Geist took a trip to Luling, Tejas’ Watermelon Thump, which includes a parade, beauty pageant, eating contest, and seed spitting competition. Unfortch, there was no link for the fat chick that could eat a watermelon in literally 25 or so seconds.

• Wanna torture someone you know? Take em to see Jurassic Park III fo free!

• I think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did something last week.

• iPod shuffle mania!

• Cecil invetagates the origin of the term ‘missionary position‘, why the sound of fingernails scraping a blackboard is so annoying, and one I’ve been dying to know, why do women athletes tend to be flat-chested?

• And Ask Yahoo! answers, ‘Who invented the weekend?’

• Gary Coleman, still short

• I hate tomatoes, but I don’t think they’re evil.

• Exactitudes

• Brother gonna knock you out, the ani gif [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• And me beloveded alma matters, Richard Bestgomery, shit the bed against rival Walter Johnson in It’s Academic DC Championship. How sporking embarrassing for the 11th best high school in the nation to get a beat down from the 80th best. IB my ass. More like UB LOSERS, you shameful losers!! Seriously, what ever happened to Rocket Pride, Rocket Power? I’ll be sure to spit on the trophies next time I’m back. At least my pain was eased a bit by how great host Mac McGarry still looks after all these years of straight pimpin’.

• Spice Girls AXED from Live 8? Make up yer minds already. I’ve haven’t seen this much back and forth since I peeped that above Moore’s buns thing link!

• Is that Paris showing us her teets, or is it someone that looks like Paris? Either way, someone’s showing us their teets!! [NSFW via Made of Brawnstein]

• D-lode FOUR new Archdukes (Franz Ferdie) tunes (live/demo versions) at FF.org [via XFM]

• Three more acts added to the Siren Fest. Arcade Fire still a possib. Indigestion is a definite.

• Ms Mod points in the direction of a handy list of all of NYC’s free summer shows!

• Seu Jorge, of Zissou and Knockout Ned fame, is playing at SOBs this Monday. I’ll only go if he plays those Bowie covers that he makes up the lyrics to! [via Aeki Thursday]

• RetroBest interviews ultra-80s hottie Cindy Morgan. I didn’t realize she was in both Caddyshack AND Tron. Even in blue, she gives me blue balls.

• Jewsrock.org

• Peep elemtary school pics of sex offender and all around creepy-arsed looking guy Brian Peppers [via DataTwat?]

• Mag Bastard returns from Rip Van Winkleville

• Productshop NYC gets a new logo and apparently decides to add a space ‘tween the Product & the shop

• Warhol’s Time Capsule 21

• NYCers, free screening passes to something that looks hot and something that has Huckabees squares on their poster.

• Celebrities LOVE Table Tennis. Even MR ED!!

[via Metafilter]

• Whilst wasting time in boring Raleigh, NC last tweakend, me & my man Marvkus watched the 2nd most relaxing thing EVER to air on PBS, sides Bobby Ross and his OG Phil Spector hair: Alone In the Wilderness

• Mother Indicted for Hiring Stripper for Son’s Birthday Party [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• F-Dubya, the license plate [via Zach de la Roachclippers]

• Which one is not wearing pants?

• More people should rock glassies like this dude [via Jakey G]

• Vader on Wheel of Fortune, from the You’re The Man Now Dogtown and ruleZZZ Boys [CLICK NOW OR DIE]

• By the time I finished this post, her current Royal Thighness found out about the possib BLY a tea of being replaced, rounded up her Hollyweird pals, decapitated yer dear Thigh Mizzle, and served me up Peter DeLuise!