Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
School’s Out Forever!
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

YES!!!!! Finally, a Harry Potterverse movie without children!!  No more pencils!!!  No more books!!!  No more teacher’s dirty looks!!!! And most spankfully – no more dumb Quidditch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what does a Harry Potter-less movie world look like?  Well, for one thing – they done did themselves, and me, a favor by going back in time to the 1920s, and shifting the fun from England to New York.  Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them???  More like

 Fantastic BOBS and Where to Find Them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

amitrite????????

oh man, 2 girls with 2 bobs +1 me = aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawoooooooooooogah!!!

and even though this lady is hellish, her bob is heavenly!!!

who’s ready for a night out of sexily bobbing for bobs???

I mean, who doesn’t love a good bob? Everyone wants to touch one!

OK, ok, so bobs are great and all, but what about the movie itself?

It’s magical – cause they do magic, but it also has gotz its share of problems, like – what exactly is going on here, and why should I care about any of this? 

Newt Salamander (Eddie Redmayne, who’s acting style in every movie apparently consists of him and his awkward tunasalad lips, keeping his head down, and then picking his head up, scene after scene after scene after movie after movie after movie.  dude must have neck issues after all this acting in movies!!!)

comes from England to New York to be a nervous nellie and like round up beasts or something, but in the process, unleashes beasts on a non-understanding muggle (who in the US are called Non-Majs, or something.  wish the movie took a larger stance against Nicki Minaj, and be pro-Non-Minaj) world  

One Non-Maj (Dan Fogler – editor’s note – I worked with him once, a zillion years ago, and he’s a super awesome guy, and I root for nothing but success for him, and he deserves it, cause he’s funny, and awesome – and you will love the ping-pong movie he was in if you never saw it) super-gets caught up in this mess, but cause this isn’t Harry Potter, the guy gets to stick around, and bob it up with two American magic hottie sisters (Katherine Waterston and Alison Sudol) trying to help dumb-dull-bore Newt be less dumb, dull and a bore

But there’s a bunch bumps in their path to success (and I have no idea what they’re looking to succeed in) – like magic hater Samantha Morton and her minions like Ezra Miller, who has a man-bob!

and the magic congress of something or other isn’t pleased with Newt and the sisters and the Non-Maj’s tomfoolery, and there’s also something not quite right about Colin Farrell 

And there’s also something not quite right with the CGI of the beasts – they look really CGIy, and dumb.  Anytime the beasts were on screen, the movie was far from fantastic.  The rest of the time, where the magic people and the Non-Maj were maj-ging it up, it was kinda sorta close to fantastic, sorta kinda!

To be honest – the Harry Potter movies were fine and kinda fun, at the time of viewing them, but in retrospect – they kinda juss a big bunch of meh (the exception is the 3rd one).  I feel like this new franchise will be more of the same, BUT, cause these new movies will mainly involve adults, and no dumb schooling, and is un-stuck to the dumb Hogwürst school year structure, it has a chance to be something else, and perhaps something special.  The magic isn’t in question – we can take the tricks, juss please bring on the treats… and even more bobs!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

You can Find the Beasts arrived at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Uncle Boonmee Who
Can Recall His Past Lives
(Loong Boonmee Raleuk Chat)
Mumble In The Jungle
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Yes, Apichatpong Weerasethakul‘s Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives is one of the greatesteststest movie titles since 2 Fast 2 Furious, but it is not one of the greatestestesteest movies ever like 2 Fast 2 Furious, despite winning the Palme d’Or at last year’s Cannes and the praises of others who have been singing loud about it. So what’s the big deal? Dunno. Boonmee‘s a spiritual journey, with no real twists or turns or anything resembling what us westerners refer to as a story, juss a lotta lush Thai countryside footage and some interesting stuff that isn’t used nearly enuff… like the catfish that Uncle B might have been in a former life!! Being a catfish doesn’t sound all that interesting, but what if we told you that this particular catfish pleasures women by swimming under their gowns and making them groan??? Yeah, we’d wanna see more of that strange Asian sexual fetish hotness too, but all we get is one scene of fish on fish grime. More like BOO-youu!! Even worser is the under-usage of Uncle B’s long lost son who is now some sorta totally creepy/scary/scary-creepy ghost monkey with glowing red eyes (see pic above/gif below)!!!! No, we do not require an explanation about what the F the ghost monkeys is be, but all we ask is that all the other boring sh#t in this movie get tossed aside so we can have a horror movie about red-eyed ghost monkeys haunting jungles and hunting down people or something!!! LOOK AT THEM EYES!!! They make Jawas look as lame as Wawa employees!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Adjustment Bureau
Fedorable
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Don’t know about you, but we never really cared all that much for Inception and its udder pretty petty nonsense.  Sure, it was a cool-ass looking and feeling movie, but it was a brainy confusing overload, for something that really wasn’t all that brainy or confusing when you actually thought about it.  9 dreams within a dream may sound crazy, but it’s not, cause we say so.  So, if yer like us, and wanted Inception to be leaner, cleaner and simpler, you’ll probably super-enjoy George Nolfi‘s take on Philip K. Dick‘s short story Adjustment Team, cause it’s like all the fun and mystery of Inception, but without all the overdone hullabaloo.  It’s also one of the better K Dick screen treatments, and in general, an all-around delightful little love story between Matt Damon and Emily Blunt.  Wish there were more romantic flicks like this one and less ones like all the other crap that blows smelly farts into theaters every month.  Wish John Slattery could star in something where he didn’t have to wear a fedora.  Wish Anthony Mackie could be my BFF, cause he just looks like such a rad dude, with such a smooth-ass mustache!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Worth A Peepers

Take Me Home Tonight
License To Reheat
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Had little expectations going into the 80s throwback flick Take Me Home Tonight, but came out with nothing but a giant smile plastered on our faceses.  Sure, it’s not anything all that ingenious, but it was neither nor ignoramus either!  It’s like a leaner, cleaner and simpler Hot Tub Time Machine, and it’s actually better too, which isn’t saying much, cause HTTM isn’t really all that good, despite what you think or remember.  In TMHT, Topher Grace does his lovable dork thing he was typecast born to do, Teresa Palmer makes us forget that that actress chick from Twilight exists, Anna Faris does nothing, Chris Pratt is stupid, but in a different way, Demetri Martin is kinda good for like twice, and Dan Fogler proves once again that’s he’s the funniest heavy in comedies.  Dear Hollywurst, please give all of Jack Black’s roles to Fogler.  Dear Dan Fogler’s manager, please get him better movies, but not like Gulliver’s Travels… starring Jack Black.  Oh, and any movie that puts Angie Everhart‘s boobs on display is probably something worth watching, or at least JOing to!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Of Gods And Men
(Des hommes et Des Dieux)
Holy Snoozefest!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In some Muslim country, some priests or monks or something (including Lambert Wilson and Michael Lonsdale) live at a monastery on top of a mountain.  They help the local poor people with medicine, clothing, food, and divine guidance.  Then one day some bad terrorists Muslim dudes come to the area and the priests/monks have to decide whether to flee or stay put.  This conundrum gets discussed over and over for what seems like 29838238 hours before they decide to stay put, cause giving up on the locals and themselves seems like the wrong thing to do.  Well, apparently staying was the wrong thing to do cause the terrorists show up in the end and kill a bunch of the holy men. Yep, we juss ruined the entire movie for ya cause you deserve to be spared from this borefest.  Even after we learned at the end that this was a true story, it didn’t help to turn it into a good true story

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Boonmee and Gods must be crazy, currently in limited release, while Tonight and Bureau are studio fun rocking out at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

He’s Just Not That Into You
She’ll Be Into It, You Just Won’t Not
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The movie focuses on straight white ladies and the straight white men they either want to bang, are banging, or aren’t banging enuff. What, gay, Asian, black and purple womensz don’t have love problems like straight white womenz have? And who cares about straight white ladies’ problems hispecially since straight white people be more out than the Bull Moose party. Letttuce meet our lovebirds and how they’re all loosely related and loosely developed, shall we? There’s poor lil Ginnifer Goodwin, who’s more clueless than a person who once owned the board game Clue, lost it, and is now Clue-less. She can’t score with Kevin Connolly cause maybe he only dates ducks cause he talks like a duck. Anywho, Kevin’s trying to bang Scarlett Johansson, cause she looks like a lion and has an enormous rack, but she’s totally sweating Bradley Cooper (who kinda looks like a porn star), a married man married to Jennifer Connelly, who isn’t a man, but she works with Ginnifer and Jennifer Aniston and like twenty other ‘innfers. Aniston has been with Ben Affleck for ages but he’s not the marrying kind cause his old lady was J-Lo and after she took up with that ghoul Marc Anthony his pride was hurt and he knows that Aniston in real life will never end up marrying anyone so he juss strings her along cause he’s just not that into marrying her. Anywho, Justin Long is a wise bar owner who sells Apple products at a discount price. He also avoids banging his hostess Busy Philipps cause he’s a bit too busy AND philipps. Long takes Ginnifer under his wing and helps her learn to fly. They’re perfect for each other, but the characters won’t realize this until the end credits begin to roll, which doesn’t happen until the 1283819 false endings finally become true endings. Drew Barrymore is in the movie for no real reason other than the fact that she’s got a killer smile and she’s a producer of the film and that she totally wasn’t into that dude who wanted to have a date with her cause no one is into that guy. Kris Kristofferson and that gay dude from My So Called Life pop their heads in from time to time and we’re happy to see them working, but we’d rather see a movie where the two of them are lovers and own a glass blowing factory. Stuff happens in this movie, yet nothing really happens, bonds are made and hearts are broken, and white people are white people, so why should this movie be? Sorry, but it weren’t juss that weren’t into it just not, although czech out a ladies opinion on the film from our gal pal over at the bestest Bachelor Bloggg

Nodds & Bends: lil Morgan Lily > Eli Lilly + The Morgan Library, extra Chihiro Fujii apparently does some NSFW extracurricular activities, and Jocelin Donahue definitely earned the role of ‘Cute Girl’

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Fanboys
The Force Is Not Strong With This One
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Dex’s Diner: never forget Jedi Chefs!

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Coraline
Dread Buttons
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Giants of Industry: originally They Might Be Giants were to create numerous songs for the film’s soundtrack, but only one teeny 28 second song made the final cut

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Not That Into You and Coraline open thighs wide, while Fanboys hits up limited theaters today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Balls of Fury
Serve’s Up!
Trailers & Mo

The State alums Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant have long ago earned their funny stripes. Yet for the past few years, the two have either been wasting their talents or showing their true colors when penning such Hollywood tripe as Herbie Fully Loaded, The Pacifier, Night at the Museum and Taxi. While we did peep Herbie, for Lohag purposes only, we didn’t need any tomato meters to tell us to stay away from the others like the boo-bonic plague. So it is with great relief that their latest effort, Balls of Fury, shines a whole new light of hope on the thighnamic duo

The sell is simple: Christopher Walken is an evil lord of ping pong and the only one who can stop him is an overweight, clumsy Def Leppard fanatic schlub (played by the brilliant Dan Fogler, whose name you’ll soon know in the many years to come), with a lil help from hottie Maggie Q, George Lopez (finally, we get the chance to see what he’s got since we’ve all long avoided his ABC sitcom) and that dude from Big Trouble In Little China, whose shenanigans are worth the price of admission alone! If that premise doesn’t pique your interest, then you muss be watching too may Judd Apatow comedies for your own good

The bottom line for any comedy is not the story, but laughter, and for the majority of the picture, Lennon and Garant deliver on the funny. Sure, it coulda been butter, but as of today, Balls of Fury is the mos hilarious American ping pong movie mt everest. Hell, they even outdid their fellow Staters’ other summer movie The Ten [TWS review], which had a much better story, but juss didn’t produce much laughter

Anime Foundation: as an old occupational hazard, I can’t stand cartoons, hispecially ones that come from Japan. Yet in all my time working with the Empire of the Sun’s animation, only one stole my heart, The Ping Pong Club. It’s like Beavis & Butthead, without the videos and about 10 times the toon nudity!

Fun & Games: play ping pong online AND Celebrities Playing Table Tennis, including many yummy snaps, like one of Sean Connery havin a ball

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Â

• Tits official folks, I’ve actually acted with a Tony-award winning actor! Mejor consplatsurelations go out to Dan Fogler for mcnabbing the Best Actor in a Musical Award for his role in The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee! You’ve sure come a long way since working with the likes of myself, Levitticus, Juwanamaker, Tom Wellington, and yes, EVEN CPT FRIGIN LOU ALBANO in the short Coming Soon To Theaters (click for pics). Sorry I didn’t report this yesterday, but things like the Tonys are about as interesting to me as going to a baseball game… like I did over Memorial Day, and it was only a day later that I learned David Wells pitched before my eyes. He did? What’s baseball?

• Simpsons movie frynally moves into pre-productionville. Why does it have to be 2005, and not 1995?

• Christian Bale vs Brandon Routh, the movie EVERYONE’S been waiting for.

• Sequel MADNESS: 36 Candles? Jaws 5-D? 3 Men & A Middle-Aged Hag? And how bout Beetlejuice 2? Lets pray it’s all about Otho!

• feels like whenever I hear news about kevin smith, it’s bad news

• When 2 becomes 1 When 5 join 8. At least that’s butter news than hearing that Posh ‘Looks Awful Naked’

• MTVEatMovies.com (whatever the fork kinda name that is) is attempting to set the world record for popcorn eating. Sadly, I don’t think they’ll be able to top my best of 56 lbs inhaled at my brother’s Bar Mitzvah circa ’85. All I remember was running around chasing balloons, my head spinning, and natch, puking my guts out. [via Made of Brawnstein]

• How I like my Hollywood: Jung, Dumb, and full of Cuthbest [via JJ]

• Last week, we saw the world’s greatestest tennis pic mt EVERest, and this week CityRagdoll was sure we didn’t miss the finesestest Viggo Mort mustache pic this side of Gondor…

• What’s the coolest place on earth? The building that houses Ism, a Grrrrl, and the cooler Frog Brother, Corey Feldman

• If Popeyes is lord, than Super Popeyes is gotta be more supreme than Diana Ross & the Supremes & Supreme Chancellor Palpatine combined!

• Wonder Boy database entry [via J$]

• Names for Pet Rats

• I Hate That Crazy Frog Ringtone

• Is It November?

• And since anyone has a chance of becoming Her Royal Thighness the III, could curvy Batman bitty Harley Quinn possib BLE be the one? I do say, she does rank up there with the hottiest of the hot toon pooners in my book.