Thighs Wide Shut

Two Lovers
The Rapper’s Pre-Delight
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Joaquin Phoenix‘ got problems, and we’re not even talkin about the muy malo ones in his new not-so-hip-hop life, like falling off stages and I’m Not There talk show appearances (Baldwin!). In what may be his final screen performance (which means it probably won’t be his final screen performance), Phoenix’ got onscreen problems, like having the horrible dilemma of choosing between Gwyneth Paltrow (showing some NSFWness that only baby Apple gets to see) and Vinessa Shaw (a fine Eyes Wide Shut actress that Hollywood has basically ignored). His Jewish parents (mum’s played by the not so Jewish Isabella Rossellini), with whom he lives with and works for, are pushing him towards family friend Shaw, but his heart keeps pulsing for the blond goy (and which Jew’s heart wouldn’t?). Mos men enjoy the chase/challenge of bagging an out of their league honey, instead of being chased and going for the easy lay, and Phoenix’ lovable loser character (think a more attractive Marty) is apparently like most men, and his choices may ultimately lead him to heartbreak hotel. While the title might suggest plenty of physical lust and caution, Two Lovers is more of an emotional mental affair, and that’s actually OK cause the film doesn’t require it (although we’re not complaining about Gwny’s boob flash). This film re-teams Phoenix with director James Gray for a third time (the other two being the gritty ditties We Own the Night and The Yards) with a role that completely suits his reserved and awkward demeanor (also correctly put on display in Parenthood, To Die For and Quills… we woulda included The Village, but playing The Village‘s idiot didn’t involve much acting). For way too long Phoenix has been miscast in parts that were bigger than his britches and his range (we weren’t buying him at all as Johnny Cash). So now that he’s hit a walk-off home run on his way to retirement (and hobo beardsville), it’s our hearts that are broken. Maybe we’ve taken him for granted and granite, and now it’s our turn to chase him

Moby Peaches: the only musician who gets less credit than Phoenix has gots to be Moby. Years after the release of his brilliant Play all the newbie fans seemed to hit the stop button. Tis a shame cause baldy’s been bustin out killah tunes in the ensuing years. His song ‘I Love To Move In Here’ [d], from last year’s overlooked Last Night (in retrospect, it should been near the top of our bestest of ‘008 list), is featured in a sultry, dick-teasing dance scene. Listen up, and get down!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Under The Sea 3-D
Sea’s Candy
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Jim Carrey‘s voice guides us on a 40 minute 3-D IMAX adventure down under the sea down under. There aint nuttin particularly special about these 20,000 leagues here that you haven’t seen on Planet Earth or the 88 other IMAX movies that took a dive, but watching ugly camouflage fish make beautiful looking fishes their dinner again and again in 3-D isn’t the worst way to spend your hard earned dollars. As the clock winds down we wondered if there was a point to this film, other than putting smiles on the faces of kids and stoners, and there is! Carrey explains in a few sentences that if we don’t take care of our planet some of these beautiful and ugly creatures will disappear forever. Tell us something we don’t already know. Actually, don’t and juss show us more clips of ugly fishes getting their grub on!

Dimension Films: 3-D is all the rage, but 4-D looks outrageyier! we mean, where else are you gonna see Elmo poop Skittles above yer head?

Verdictgo: for the kiddies/stoners Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Two Lovers and Under The Sea 3D open in limited theaters today

and until next thyme the balcony i
s clothed…

Pineapple Express
Two Bongs Don’t Make A Right
Trailers & Mo

If there were a Mount Rushmore for filmdom’s finest smot pokers, Cheech & Chong, Jeffrey Lebowski and Jeff Spicoli would be our picks for a foursome chiseled outta stone(r). There are plenty of other memorable midnight tokers worthy of such an honor, like the Texan kiddies from Dazed & Confused, the porch rockers of Friday, the mini-hamburger obsessed Harold & Kumar, the fully baked Half-Baked crew, the freedom lighters of Easy Rider and Brad Pitt’s method man acting in True Romance, but where do Judd Apatow’s Pineapple Expressionists Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) and Saul Silver (James Franco) rank? Well, if they made a Mount Poopmore, they’d be on there right next to any of the hammy actors from Reefer Madness and Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut. It’s not that Rogen and Franco can’t act stoned (and you know they can if you’ve seen the vastly overrated TV series Freaks & Geeks), it’s juss that the movie these stoners appear in isn’t much of a stoner movie so their performances are wasted (poor choice of words) and ultimately forgettable. It’s not even much of a comedy for that splatter, as the ‘jokes’ are about as flat as a 2-liter of RC Cola that has been cap-less for ten days. We’re sure you’ll laff more than we did (the total came to 2 chuckles, so BEAT THAT!), but then again, you probably worship Dane Cook and saw Semi-Pro in a theater. What the film ends up being is a silly (not in a good way) 8th rate action flick that makes the Eugene Levy-John Candy crapfest known as Armed and Dangerous look like Terminator 2 written by vintage Woody Allen. What’s even more disappointing is that the film was directed with such little skill or flair by David Gordon Green, a man of great talent who is way outta his league here. So peas, pass this douche-y on the left hand side and instead czech out Green’s other ’08 pic Snow Angels or The Wackness, although we weren’t fully enamored with it , you’d be better off inhaling from that joint than partaking in the shwag that is Pineapple Express

Shirt Tales: the bestest part of the entire movie is James Franco’s kitten being eaten by a shark t-shirt, yet the tee is a rip off of a shirt designed for Urban Outfitters by a clothing company called WOWCH and they aint too happy about it

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Bottle Shock
The O-enophiles: Pleasant Napa Valley Fundays
Trailers & Mo

There once was a time when California wines were considered to be about as classy as Married With Children and as world-renowned as Burger Chef. Then a lil thing dubbed the Judgment of Paris happened (aka the Paris Wine Tasting of 1976), where a bunch of stuffy Frenchies sirprizngly awarded blue ribbons to some Napa vineyards, and the rest is history. Bottle Shock recaptures these events, focusing primarily on Chateau Montelena (even doing a bit of filming on the grounds), its owner Jim Barrett (Bill Pulman, who on this ship you refer to as ‘idiot’, not ‘you Captain’) and his dippy refried beaned son Bo (Chris Pine, on this ship you refer to him as the new Captain Kirk!!), and how a British gent named (no, not that one) Steven Spurrier (Alan Rickman, finger looking good with a bucket of KFC) plucked them from obscurity and changed the face (and taste) of wine forever. Also along for the ride are Federico Diaz, that annoying Australian girl from Transformers who loves saying the word ‘supercomputer’, Count Dooku’s daughter [ytmnd] and Dennis Farina (doing the best he can w/o a gun). The film has an overly sundrenched and smiley tone about it, that’s reminiscent of the yumcredible Juicy Fruit ad from the 80s (the taste that’s gonna move ya!), yet despite all it’s wine & cheesiness, you juss can’t stick a cork in this one. It’s like a happier, lamer Sideways [TWS review], so take a whiff and then a sip and enjoy

Is Anything Sacred?: there’s a rival movie in the works based off of George M. Tabor’s book Judgment of Paris and Chateau Montelena was recently sold to a French wine company

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Bottle Shock opens today in limited release while Pineapple is currently playing at a theater near Jew. Happy b-day M Night!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

remember this hottie mcgee supreme that tried to tag-team a non-interested/totally gay Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut that we boasted about back in the ’06 [see bottom of post for butter pics]

all we knew about her was that her name was Stewart Thorndike and that we totally have to mother her children. well after fo ages with nada nunca news about her, our belovededed Google Alerts finally came thru the looking glass! turns out she’s alive and well, a recent NYU film school grad, and that her full name is Megan Stewart Thorndike (although like Night Shaayalalamamadingdong, she goes by M. Stewart Thorndike), and we know this cause she’s holding a giant check from TimeLife for winning their 2008 Young Filmmakers Challenge

WAY TO GO STEWIE!!!

we dug up a few thangs M. Night Thorndike has worked on that you won’t find on IMDbsweeney…

‘John’s Polka’, a Converse shoe spot she shot
Tess and Nana, her graduate thesis film
People Are Children, co-director
Turning, co-director
4am, Friday, she starred in the short film
Team Queen, grip/gaffer
Shock Art, boom operator

we wish u much success in the future, cause that’ll mean more new pics of you (with or without giants checks)!! as always, we’ll be keeping our Eyes and Thighs wide open for you Thorny!

we now return to the usual poop…

NBC greenlights an an Office spin-off. Hopefully it won’t involve the very unfunny BJ Novak

Trainspotting jail bait NSFW babe gives birth to a son… sadly, it’s not ours

a Wyld Stallions reunion? [Defamer]

Bjork lives where the wild things are

we wanna take a bite outta Lena Fujii’s apple

new Bond girl Olga Kurylenko Maxim UK

Stephen Colbert giving Jon Stewart the reach around [NSFW]

STOP HAUNT ME EVERY DAY COLLECTION

floppy disk man bag

Djoef op u bakkes

[bugaka_ru]

the man who gave us 2001 couldn’t even make it to that year, but lettuce not cry over spilt breast milk, so Stanley F%cking Kubrick, we bid you the best, as you turn 79 years mold today!

Zodiac
Period Piece of Art
Trailer & Mo

Within the very first scene of Zodiac, we are not only introduced to the titular killer and his dirty work, but we are also reintroduced to David Fincher who’s masterful talent has been sorely missed. His last film dropped in the ’02, but Panic Room was a far cry from where he left off before that in the ’99, with the beyond brills Fight Club. So I’ve basically been waitin and waitin for 8 long years for the director who I’ve worshiped above all the cool mid to late 90s directors (Tarantino, Boyle, Jonze, Singer, and yes, even Aronofsky) to deliver the goods. Zodiac not only fulfilled that Fincher bestness void, but also the void of fantab flicks to be released so far in the ’07. While there’s many moons and suns to go before Dec 31st, I still feel confident in naming it one of the best films of the year

Fincher has already shown that’s he jason capel-able of making a thumcredible serial killer flick. I mean, once could argue that Se7en is even more engaing than Silence of the Lambs, but Zodiac isn’t a serial killer movie. Sure, it’s about a serial killer, but it’s more of a spooky Unsolved Mysteriesish journalistic investigation, a neverending one at that since the killer was never caught, into the events that brought northern Cali to it’s knees in the late 60s and early 70s. When I walked out of the theater I wanted to know every single in and out about the case (gawd bless Zodiackiller.com). I hadn’t been so keen in seeking out the truth since Oliver Stone’s JFK mesmerized me beyond belief when I was all of 14 years of age… if only Spike Lee’s complete misfire Summer of Sam had worked the same magic

While I wished that Inland Empire‘s runtime was 3 minutes instead of 3 hours, I wouldn’t have minded if Zodiac was 2 1/2+ days long instead of 2 1/2+ hours. Tits dat good folks. Welcome back Finchy. Never leave me hangin like that again or I’ll have to throw all my love to the other Finchy for good!

Apt MPupil3: Donovan’s beyond bananas bestness ‘Hurdy Gurdy Man‘ [d] which will forever make me think of this film

Deja View: No, Zodiac aint the first time that Jake Gyllenhaal & John Carroll Lynch peered into each other’s eyes. Hell, it aint even the second time! The two first appeared together as father and son in Bubble Boy, followed by The Good Girl, where JCL was JG’s boss at the Retail Rodeo

Killer Looks: Zodiac Watches

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show•

Rental Round Up(dog)

Colour Me Kubrick
[Trailer]

One of the sadest things a Thigh Master has to deal with on a day-to-day basis is the fact that there will never be another Stanley Kubrick film ever. Since his death and the release of this site’s cousin Eyes Wide Shut in 1999, we’ve been slowly dying ourselves. So any time anything Kubrickianishesque gets released, it’s naturally that we get a bit nutty. Luckily for me, these releases have all eased my pain. We totally JOed to the mishmash that was Spielberg’s take on A.I., and we really dig-dug the not so revealing yet intriguing doc Stanley Kubrick: A Life In Pictures, by his bro-in-law Jan Harlan, and on the last go around, at the ’06 Tribeca Film Fest, we went bananas for Colour Me Kubrick (in America, we leave out the ‘u’). To quote ourselves, Colour Me is the loose fictionalization of conman Alan Conway’s amazing mid 90s London exploits as a Kubrick impersonator that not only is hilarious, but is by far the mos humorous John Malkovich (who plays Conway) film to date. We gave it a rating of Breast In Show and will still stand by that. It’s another one of these Magonlia Pic Day & Date Premiere thangies. Shiz opens in theaters and HDNet today, and will be available on DVD next week. Seek it out, like I seek out the truth about the Zodiac killah!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…