Thighs Wide Shut

Rachael Ray

Mrs Fields

Padma Lakshmi

2 Fap Ladies

Nigella Lawson

Wendy

Giada De Laurentiis

Edna Garrett & Her Edible Faps of Life

Sandra Lee

Martha Stewart

Paula Deen’s Yams

The Gals of Hooters

Cat Cora

Rachael Leigh Cook

and juss for shiz & gaggles
the bitched @ swrithedness of

Jerry Lewis’ Bo Hopper & Martin Yan Can Cook

this post is dedicated to the loving memories and mammaries of Julia Childs, the Frugal Molester, & Justin Wilson, who guarnteed like it was nobody’s bidness

additional faporting by Pakula Shaker, Tom Wellington, El Hofbergo, & My Man Marvkus

Kate Moss and a pole
from The Stripes’ ‘I Don’t Know What To Do With Myself’ vid

Christina Amphlett’s cleavage line
from The Divinyls ‘I Touch Myself’ vid

Jen Ellison’s creamy thighs that I could build a kingdom on
from her ‘Bye Bye Boy’ vid

the stripper’s plastic boobage
from Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ vid

Charlotte Church’s floppy jalopies’ a jiggilin
from her ‘Call My Name’ vid

the gaggles of nighties
from J Geils Band’s ‘Centerfold’ vid

the easy riderette
from Whitesnake’s ‘Here I Go Again’ vid

that bizatch getting wetty wetty in the bath
from George Michael’s ‘Freedom 90’

another bathtub baby
from the Cars’ ‘You Might Think’ vid

the ten zillion a$$es a shakin
from Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’ vid

Sara Lee
from Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ vid

that super dirty heroined-out chick
from Michael Penn’s ‘No Myth’ vid

the teacher’s whose ass I would attend everyday
from Van Halen’s ‘Hot For Teacher’ vid

Mariah roller bladin in short denim
from her ‘Fantasy’ vid

Janie running away from the pain
from Aerosmith’s ‘Janie’s Got A Gun’ vid

Janet putting her hands betwixt her crotch & bendin fwd
from her ‘Love Will Never Do (Without You)’ vid

the whores & the shoestress who they turn into a whore
from ZZ Top’s ‘Legs’ vid

the girl who can’t get enuff sax
from Wreckx-N-Effect’s ‘Rump Shaker’ vid

the Twizzler lipped ho-bags
from Robert Palmer’s ‘Addicted to Love’ vid

the clouds, the topless bittie, and Chris Isaak’s hair
from his ‘Wicked Game’ video

the good girl who made it ok to go free ballin
from Tom Petty’s ‘Free Fallin’ vid

Stephanie Seymour, the world’s mos JOingiest bride
from GNR’s ‘November Rain’ vid

pigtails and private school threads
from Shitney’s ‘Baby One More Time’ vid

the poisonous ones
from Bell Biv DeVoe’s ‘Poison’ vid

Samantha Fox
from her ‘I Wanna Have Some Fun’ vid

the floor crawlin’ jailbait neighbor
from Billy Idol’s ‘Cradle of Love’ vid

pre-Lohag Lohan
from her ‘Rumors’ vid

the horny ones
from 2 Live Crew’s ‘Me So Horny’ vid

wet 8 year-old faux lesbians
from t.A.T.u’s ‘All The Things She Said’

& me personal flav

Madonna’s see-thru yammy yams
from her ‘Vogue’ vid

Dolly Read/Martin

Jean Simmons

Sharon Tate

Deborah Foreman

Barbie

+ one bonus fap for der ladies
er um
trannies

John Lazar

and in non-fap five related relatedness, peace the dancing with the stars out to my man bow tied man, Tucker Carlson, who, if he ever needed to change his name, could become Carl Tuckerson

You hearted the NFC preview so much that yer boners tore thru every pair of Under Armor under garments in yer drawers (pun sorta intended), right? Lucky you, I cobbled together an AFC preview on the very day that the season commences. Lucky me that Just My Luck is now available on DVD, as it will soon be headed for the dreaded bargain bin, which will then fill my need for new drink coasters for the homestead!

AFC East

There’s juss sum tang about this division that bores me more than Hebrew school. It’s filled with nuttin but perennial losers, sans the Patsies, all dough the Pats are losers in a different way cause the abandoned Pat the Patriot for Pat the Super Future Shiny Patriot. At least they had the foresight to not use Mel Gibson‘s Patriot. YUCK. If Brady and Belichick are still running the show, they’ll keep winning the division. And while people are all up on the Dolphins’ chances, I’m still not 800% sold on a ‘healthy’ Culpeps and Ronnie Brown as their sole running back, cause ya never know, he could go up in smoke like Cheech & Bong> and end up playing for the Amsterdam Admirals

AFC North

This divish is the eggzect opposite of the AFC East. I honeslty would lock myself in a closest and watch nuttin but ten billion games between these 4 teams, even if two of them are technically the Cleveland Browns. There’s so much hate, and so many cool a$$ color schemes nick goings on here. Sure, the Ravens would never win the approval of Michael Kors, but you gotta give props to a team named after an Edgar Allen Poem. Is it too late to name their stadium The Pit and the Pendulum? Despite the ultimate bestness of having their logo appear on only one side of their helmets, the Danielle Steeles are no lock for the division crown, as Big Ben is in talks with the Knievel family about starring in a biopic about Evel. The Bengals, with Kitty Kitna gone to Dumptown, are one knee injury away from being the Anthony Wright squad (not to be confused with IU’s Wright Quad), which is juss so Anthony Wrong. That leaves the fake Browns and the real Browns to duke it out for divison crown and browndom. If you can’t figure out which one is the real one and which is the fake one, then you gotta go to Mo’s (Death Watch)!

AFC South

I think the Colts should build four zillion houses for the dude who decided to put the Texas Toastens, JagOffs, and Titan AEs in their division. That’s purty much 5-6 wins guaranteed for them each year for the foreseeable future. OK, so the Jags aint that bad, but they lasted about as long in the playoffs last year as Judge Reinhold did spanking to Phoebe Cates [NSFW]. The other two teams aren’t even worth talking about, so if I were the Colts, start learning the lyrics to ‘Bye Bye Bye’ and plan on taking a lil family vacation during the first week of the playoffs

AFC West

Too many off season moves and changes = too many a question marks for der Chefs (they’d been better off with John Edward summoning Barry Word than lettin Herm Edwards coach), the Chargers (seriously, who the fork is Philip Rivers?), and der Raiders (they shoulda invested in Magic Shell, not Art). And tit aint gonna help the Chiefs none with a cheerleading squad as bunk as theirs (the Raiderettes aint so fine either, see above snap). That leaves the Broncos (whose c-leaders are a distant 2nd to the Charger Girls) to clean house in those super ooogly unies they’ve been sportin since the ’97. Yetty, how could one hate on a team with two Bells at running back? If the Mile High Clubber(Lang)s should open a Taco Bell in their stadium and rock halftime shows with Camilla Belle stripping at the fity yard line, I could easily kiss my burgundy & gold allegiance g-bye for good.

Seeds:
#1 Colts
#2 Broncos
#3 Pats
#4 Ravens
#5 Steelers
#6 Dolphins

AFC Champs: Colts

Super Bowl Winner: Colts

Fantasy Outlook AFC Shazz

Me loves: Colts everything, Reuben Droughns, Lee Evans, T Gonz with a moster return to form, and the Pats D (look at their schedule, they play poop on a stick!)

Me hates: KC WRs, Lamont Jordan, Steve McNair, Vinatieri, and Matt Jones

Don’t sleep on these sleepers: Nate Kaeding, Kellen Winslow, whoever wins that Texans starting RB gig, Steve McNair, Laveranuesnesses Coles, and peas do sleep on Sleepers, which Gulf of Sonkin took a girl to see on what has gots to be the single wurstest 1st date mt everest!!

Jennifer Connelly

Kelly LeBrock

Molly Ringwald

Alisan Porter

Lea Thompson & Mary Stuart Masterson

much respek
to
Sloane Peterson
(whose already been fapped to)
Cammie/girl who is fly
Ellen Griswold
Audrey Griswold the I
the girl in the Ferrari/pool waitress
who drives Clark W Griz crazy
the She of ‘s Having A Baby
Mrs Mr Mom
Hilly
Billie Bird
and NOT JC

+ one bonus fap for der ladies
(and me)

James Spader

alternative posting titles:
Fap Alone 2: Lost In New York
Career Faportunities
She’s Fapping A Baby
Planes, Trains & Fapmobiles
Some Kind of Fappable
Ferris Bueller’s Fap Off
Sixteen Faps
National Fap-poon’s Vacation