Thighs Wide Shut

Contagion
Semi-Avoid This Like The Plague
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

And the unscariest lame scary movie that wasn’t intended to be a scary movie is… Steven Nederbergh‘s Contagtgitiontioniagagaionagioanggaaioaniatgaionattaoon!!!  This coulda been 28 Days Later, but ended up being about as adventerous as 28 Days Slater!!!  Gwyneth Paltrow foams at the mouth to death within the first 15 minutes and then it’s pretty much Purell pure-hell of boredom the rest of the way!!!!  Not even bats feeding pigs feeding humans causing problems on Day 1 can make us give a sh#t about any day that followed.  Contagtioaianiataianigaianaian did for germs what Food, Inc did for unhealthy eating – not change our minds on the subject whatsoever.  Bring on the tainted pig, please!!!!

Colombiana
More Like Colombian-MEH
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 108 min

Luc, stop writing and producing easy action garbage (like Colombiana), and directing kids movies, and juss reunite with Natalie Portman and make yer name mean something once again.

Here’s hoping your Lady aint shady

Verdictgos: both be Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Contagion & Colombiana are C minuses at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Iron Man 2
Rust Never Sleeps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Was Iron Man 1 really that awesomes?  Did we all champion it cause it wasn’t juss another piece of crap released in the summertime?  Maybe we overvalued it cause we had no faith in director Jon Favreau‘s abilities and were simply sirprized that it wasn’t a dud?  Looking back, nothing much comes to mind in the memorable moments department (granite, we only saw it once), but wees all know what made #1 work and why #2 even exists: Robert Downey Jr

Well, RDJr is back in the tin can, and besides Gwyneth Paltrow as the salty Pepper Potts, and the character of Lt. Col. James ‘Rhodey’ Rhodes (now played by Don Cheadle), everyone else is new (Scarlett Johansson and her boobs! Paul Bettany and his voice! Garry Shandling and his smirk! Sam Rockwell and his deplorable characters we want to hate, yet end up loving! + Samuel L. Jackson not chewing up the scenery, for once!), but not much else here is new.  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Since it is a sequel, some ante of course has been upped, even if it didn’t need to be.  The action is more explody, more metallic, and some of it downright mental (the Monte Carlo scene was way badass!!), but the cluttered CGI action is its weakest link

The film, like Tony Stark, starts off a little too sure of itself, yet when he gets knocked down a few pegs by a delicious enuff, but could have been even more delicious Mickey Rourke, and starts his climb back up again, that’s when Iron Man 2 excels into ellent territory… even if the ending was a tad blase fair

Iron Man 2 is right on par with 1:  Favreau and screenwriter Justin Theroux don’t fail Stan Lee’s creations or their audience, it well exceeded our low expectations, it was dang funny and fun, and we’d be happy to see a third one, even if it is more of the same.  They say if it aint baroque, then don’t fix it!  Actually they don’t, but our AP European teacher used that joke and we’ve used it ever since.  Anywho, asking for anything more would require Christopher Nolan and there’s only so many Christopher Nolans to go round

Iron Butterflies: multiple hottttties abound (and gagged)!!!

Helena Mattsson

Katie Cleary

Anya Monzikova

Verdictgo: probably what we should have awarded #1, Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Iron pumps it up at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Iron Man
Art Favreau
Trailers & Mo

The last two summers began with movies that were more lackluster than blockbuster. 2006 brought us the overbloated and unnecessary Mission Impossible III (there shouldn’t have been a Mission Impossible I in the first place), and in 2007, the giant mess that was Spidey 3 [TWS review] got tangled up in more webs than the world wide has urls. Well set yer mind at ease cause Iron Man kicks off this summer’s crop of big budget fiascos with a mighty bang (for your buck) and not a wimpy (but we’d still gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today). It’s easily the mos enjoyable superhero extravaganza released since Spidey 2, and would you expect anything less from a flick that stars an Oscar winner (Gwyneth Paltrow), 3 other Academy Award nominees (Robert Downey Jr, Terence Howard, and Jeffery Lebowski Bridges), had script doctoring by the dudes who wrote the screenplay for Children of Men (in retrospect, we probably should have picked it as the bestest flick of 2006), is executively produced by Ralphie and features the dopest Stan Lee cameo to date? We thought snot

In a few short years, Jon Favreau has transformed himself from a (sorta) lovable loser actor into a solid director, whose specialty seems to be blending the worlds of real and fantasy. Elf and Zathura (one of the mos funnestistest titles to say out loud) were juss baby steps leading up to this confessed fanboy’s first foray into the comic book genre. He’s right at home here, and to no real sirprize, so is his star Robert Downey Jr, having oodles of fun playing a playboy zillionaire turned iron giant. We all of know RDJr’s past issues, but with solid work in 13 films since 2003 (Zodiac being the tops, obviously) he’s quickly gone from less than zero to everyone’s hero. He may seem like an unconventional choice for a film like this, but it was a choice that certainly paid off, as his performance, in our refined opinions, ranks right up there with Christopher Reeve and Adam West as best screen superheros mt EVERest. Iron Man, we give you mad RoboProps, and can’t wait to see a sequel

Iron Butterflies: the theme from the ’66 cartoon, where Tony Stark lands on Forbes‘ Fictional 15 richest list, and Ghostface ‘Ironman/Tony Stark’ Killah rumored cameo + Samuel L and Hillary Swank’s are MIA, or are they?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Fugitive Pieces
Holocaust Deficiency
Trailers & Mo

If you see one Holocaust themed film this year, you may have to wait a little longer cause this isn’t the one the to see (and we weren’t entirely sold on The Counterfeiters either [TWS review]). There’s no concentration camps to be found in this lyrical tale of an orphaned Polish kid (played later in life by Thomas Jefferson), who later finds surrogate love from a Greek geologist (Boris The Blade), but has trouble allowing himself to love others after he dies (although having sex with Rosamund Pike probably isn’t the wurstest thing to happen to a man w/o love to give). This film is unquestionable beautiful, but like its lead’s emotions, it feels kinda empty and lacks, for lack of a better word, concentration. It meanders back and forth from the past to the present, all leading up to a point where he’s finally able to make peace with his demons and open his heart to another (Ayelet Zurer, aka, Eric Bana’s hot Israeli wife in Munich). If you can get to that point and you’re still awake, we congratulate you, cause we were almost asleep in a pile of Reese’s Pieces

Exercising The Demons: Zurer can next be seen in da Da Vinci Code prequel Angels & Demons, opposite Tom Hanks (hopefully not with that hair) and Ewan McGregor

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

21
Pretty Busted
Trailers & Mo

Ben Mezrich’s book Bringing Down The House about real-life MIT students, who go from totally geek to totally chic, by counting cards and big bills in Vega$ is well worth reading. When it came time to turn it into a film, unfortunately, that title had already been used for a Steve Martin-Queen Latifah joint, so they had to change the name, and even more unfortunately, for Hollywood storytelling purposes, they changed much of what made the book so compelling. Our Asian protagonist has been replaced by an Anglo-Saxon (albeit a damn dreamy JOable one) one, all the specific rules that protected the team from getting caught have sorta been tossed to the side, and instead of having them travel to casinos across the country, the film only focuses on Vegas, and in particular to the Planet Hollywood Casino (we had no idea Planet Hollywood was still in bidness, let alone ran a gaming facility). Despite what was omitted, the film is entertaining, but it’s what was added to the story that doesn’t boat our
float (Laurence Fishburne’s disgruntled old-school eye in the sky security manager who beats people up, yet the book makes endless points of why casinos no longer bully card counters with fists + our Anglo-Saxon’s lameazoid schoolmates who know nothing of his double life and eat up way too much screentime, hispecially Josh Gad, who hands in the wurstestest movie geek/sidekick performance mt EVERest and FUJIest)

21 marks the third not-so fab screen pairing of Kevin Spacey and Kate BOOOsworth. The first two were the now forgettable Superman Returns [TWS review] and a film we dubbed ‘the WURST biopic AND movie directed by an actor EVER!‘, Beyond The Sea/Watchable [TWS review]. We’re praying to Jesus AND Moses that there isn’t a fourth pairing

Swimming With Card Sharks: read the book, skip the movie, and juss enjoy the opening of the classic game show Card Sharks [vid|empee3]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Iron and Pieces open Friday, while 21 continues to play in a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…