Thighs Wide Shut

Spider-Man: Homecoming
The Kid Stays In The Picture, And Then The Picture Strays From The Kid
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

Somehow it took five Spider-Man movies to get us to this point – a sixth movie that FINALLY gets Peter Parker right.  Tobey Mags and Andrew Garf were fine and all, but they didn’t seem like a teen doing teeny things.  They were already too old to be properly naive and out of their depths.  Tom Holland makes for such a perfect PP that he will now forever be Peter Parker in my mind’s thigh.  YOU GO LIL TOM HOLLAND!!

They may not have gotten Aunt May right, but they definitely have gottzen Aunt May HOT!!!!  UM HELLO Marisa Tomei.  why aren’t you and your tight clothings in every movie???????

and while the high school stuff was super great (the very non-actory Jacob Batalon as Peter’s BFF felt refreshing), and Michael Keaton as Birdman/Condorman/Johnny A$$holely was a pretty good bad adversary (with a nice lil twist with him in da plot), there were some stuff that I didn’t care for whatsoever…

like the forcing of Zendaya and Donald Glover into this movie.  She serves no purpose in this movie (BUT MAYBE IN FUTURE ONES!!????), and Donald Glover was only in it cause he and the internet wanted him to be Spider-Man years back, and so you have to give him and the internet what they want, right???

And the real reason there’s more Spider-Man, even though we really don’t need more, is not only cause it’s easy $$$ to make, but really to drag poor Spidey into the web of the rest of the existing Marvel cinematic universe, and therefore render the kid into another cog of the already waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too bloated Avengers posse

This Spider-Man movie excels when it focuses on Peter and Spidey, but gets muddled and repetitive once Robert Downey Jr‘s ironic Tony Stark and lame lackey Jon Favreau rear their ugly heads here there and everywhere in this picture  

By the time the smoke clears at the end of the movie, after yet another gigantic battle with too many explosions and public property destruction, you no longer feel like you’re watching a Spidey movie - just another brick in the Marvel wall.  Tear down that wall!!  These superhero movies are losing their super-ness.  Spidey Homecoming felt like a step in the right direction, only to arrive at a destination we’re sick of visiting

Cool end credits though!

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spidey senses tingle a bit at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Chef
Burnt Sugar & Cheese
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 114 min

I guess Jon Favreau really loves food and cooking and wanted you to know this, by making a movie called Chef that’s basically about food and cooking, and the result is pretty lukewarm – SEND IT BACK TO THE KITCHEN!!!  Favry recruited a fun bunch to join him – Robert Downey Jr, Scarlett Johansson, Sofía Vergara, Dustin Hoffman, Oliver Platt, Bobby Cannavale, Amy Sedaris and John Leguizamo – but they have little to work with, other then being overly enthusiastic, in a movie that oozes more cheese than all the cheesteaks of the greater Philadelphia area.  There’s too much time dedicated to (showing us how Twitter works +) Chef Favry trying to bond with his onscreen kid Emjay Anthony, who has about as much acting chops as this movie has lamb chops – zero.  Look, I’m happy Favry is taking a break from big budget fiasco flicks, and going small, but this movie is tiny – a tiny bit entertaining, and a ton bit schmaltzy

Only bit I really really really liked was Oliver Platt playing a food critic, which is not much of a stretch since his brother Adam is the main food critic for New York mag.  The role wasn’t good at all, but I just like that he’s playing a role his brother does for a living

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Chef boy r deez nutz at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Iron Man 2
Rust Never Sleeps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Was Iron Man 1 really that awesomes?  Did we all champion it cause it wasn’t juss another piece of crap released in the summertime?  Maybe we overvalued it cause we had no faith in director Jon Favreau‘s abilities and were simply sirprized that it wasn’t a dud?  Looking back, nothing much comes to mind in the memorable moments department (granite, we only saw it once), but wees all know what made #1 work and why #2 even exists: Robert Downey Jr

Well, RDJr is back in the tin can, and besides Gwyneth Paltrow as the salty Pepper Potts, and the character of Lt. Col. James ‘Rhodey’ Rhodes (now played by Don Cheadle), everyone else is new (Scarlett Johansson and her boobs! Paul Bettany and his voice! Garry Shandling and his smirk! Sam Rockwell and his deplorable characters we want to hate, yet end up loving! + Samuel L. Jackson not chewing up the scenery, for once!), but not much else here is new.  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Since it is a sequel, some ante of course has been upped, even if it didn’t need to be.  The action is more explody, more metallic, and some of it downright mental (the Monte Carlo scene was way badass!!), but the cluttered CGI action is its weakest link

The film, like Tony Stark, starts off a little too sure of itself, yet when he gets knocked down a few pegs by a delicious enuff, but could have been even more delicious Mickey Rourke, and starts his climb back up again, that’s when Iron Man 2 excels into ellent territory… even if the ending was a tad blase fair

Iron Man 2 is right on par with 1:  Favreau and screenwriter Justin Theroux don’t fail Stan Lee’s creations or their audience, it well exceeded our low expectations, it was dang funny and fun, and we’d be happy to see a third one, even if it is more of the same.  They say if it aint baroque, then don’t fix it!  Actually they don’t, but our AP European teacher used that joke and we’ve used it ever since.  Anywho, asking for anything more would require Christopher Nolan and there’s only so many Christopher Nolans to go round

Iron Butterflies: multiple hottttties abound (and gagged)!!!

Helena Mattsson

Katie Cleary

Anya Monzikova

Verdictgo: probably what we should have awarded #1, Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Iron pumps it up at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Iron Man
Art Favreau
Trailers & Mo

The last two summers began with movies that were more lackluster than blockbuster. 2006 brought us the overbloated and unnecessary Mission Impossible III (there shouldn’t have been a Mission Impossible I in the first place), and in 2007, the giant mess that was Spidey 3 [TWS review] got tangled up in more webs than the world wide has urls. Well set yer mind at ease cause Iron Man kicks off this summer’s crop of big budget fiascos with a mighty bang (for your buck) and not a wimpy (but we’d still gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today). It’s easily the mos enjoyable superhero extravaganza released since Spidey 2, and would you expect anything less from a flick that stars an Oscar winner (Gwyneth Paltrow), 3 other Academy Award nominees (Robert Downey Jr, Terence Howard, and Jeffery Lebowski Bridges), had script doctoring by the dudes who wrote the screenplay for Children of Men (in retrospect, we probably should have picked it as the bestest flick of 2006), is executively produced by Ralphie and features the dopest Stan Lee cameo to date? We thought snot

In a few short years, Jon Favreau has transformed himself from a (sorta) lovable loser actor into a solid director, whose specialty seems to be blending the worlds of real and fantasy. Elf and Zathura (one of the mos funnestistest titles to say out loud) were juss baby steps leading up to this confessed fanboy’s first foray into the comic book genre. He’s right at home here, and to no real sirprize, so is his star Robert Downey Jr, having oodles of fun playing a playboy zillionaire turned iron giant. We all of know RDJr’s past issues, but with solid work in 13 films since 2003 (Zodiac being the tops, obviously) he’s quickly gone from less than zero to everyone’s hero. He may seem like an unconventional choice for a film like this, but it was a choice that certainly paid off, as his performance, in our refined opinions, ranks right up there with Christopher Reeve and Adam West as best screen superheros mt EVERest. Iron Man, we give you mad RoboProps, and can’t wait to see a sequel

Iron Butterflies: the theme from the ’66 cartoon, where Tony Stark lands on Forbes‘ Fictional 15 richest list, and Ghostface ‘Ironman/Tony Stark’ Killah rumored cameo + Samuel L and Hillary Swank’s are MIA, or are they?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Fugitive Pieces
Holocaust Deficiency
Trailers & Mo

If you see one Holocaust themed film this year, you may have to wait a little longer cause this isn’t the one the to see (and we weren’t entirely sold on The Counterfeiters either [TWS review]). There’s no concentration camps to be found in this lyrical tale of an orphaned Polish kid (played later in life by Thomas Jefferson), who later finds surrogate love from a Greek geologist (Boris The Blade), but has trouble allowing himself to love others after he dies (although having sex with Rosamund Pike probably isn’t the wurstest thing to happen to a man w/o love to give). This film is unquestionable beautiful, but like its lead’s emotions, it feels kinda empty and lacks, for lack of a better word, concentration. It meanders back and forth from the past to the present, all leading up to a point where he’s finally able to make peace with his demons and open his heart to another (Ayelet Zurer, aka, Eric Bana’s hot Israeli wife in Munich). If you can get to that point and you’re still awake, we congratulate you, cause we were almost asleep in a pile of Reese’s Pieces

Exercising The Demons: Zurer can next be seen in da Da Vinci Code prequel Angels & Demons, opposite Tom Hanks (hopefully not with that hair) and Ewan McGregor

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

21
Pretty Busted
Trailers & Mo

Ben Mezrich’s book Bringing Down The House about real-life MIT students, who go from totally geek to totally chic, by counting cards and big bills in Vega$ is well worth reading. When it came time to turn it into a film, unfortunately, that title had already been used for a Steve Martin-Queen Latifah joint, so they had to change the name, and even more unfortunately, for Hollywood storytelling purposes, they changed much of what made the book so compelling. Our Asian protagonist has been replaced by an Anglo-Saxon (albeit a damn dreamy JOable one) one, all the specific rules that protected the team from getting caught have sorta been tossed to the side, and instead of having them travel to casinos across the country, the film only focuses on Vegas, and in particular to the Planet Hollywood Casino (we had no idea Planet Hollywood was still in bidness, let alone ran a gaming facility). Despite what was omitted, the film is entertaining, but it’s what was added to the story that doesn’t boat our
float (Laurence Fishburne’s disgruntled old-school eye in the sky security manager who beats people up, yet the book makes endless points of why casinos no longer bully card counters with fists + our Anglo-Saxon’s lameazoid schoolmates who know nothing of his double life and eat up way too much screentime, hispecially Josh Gad, who hands in the wurstestest movie geek/sidekick performance mt EVERest and FUJIest)

21 marks the third not-so fab screen pairing of Kevin Spacey and Kate BOOOsworth. The first two were the now forgettable Superman Returns [TWS review] and a film we dubbed ‘the WURST biopic AND movie directed by an actor EVER!‘, Beyond The Sea/Watchable [TWS review]. We’re praying to Jesus AND Moses that there isn’t a fourth pairing

Swimming With Card Sharks: read the book, skip the movie, and juss enjoy the opening of the classic game show Card Sharks [vid|empee3]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Iron and Pieces open Friday, while 21 continues to play in a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…