Thighs Wide Shut

Lady in the Water
A Cleveland Steaming Heep of Sh%t
Trailers

Who the fork is Cleveland Heep? Uriah‘s brother? I wish, but Mr Heep is our stuttering handyman everyman superman protagonist in M Night Shamalammadingdong’s latest attempt at what we the people call a ‘movie’. Oh my lord!! This fish out of water modern day ‘fairy tale’ will be lucky if it lives to see a second week. Yep, it’s that repoopulous folks. It all becomes so clear now as to why Disney, the home of his first 4 films (5 if you include his stint with Miramax), famously raised eyebrows when M Night handed in the script for this trifle that makes the Neverending Story look non-fiction, which in turn sent his a$$ and career away from the House of Mouse for good. How would any moviegoer in their right mind buy into this overly preposterous story about a narf named Story who has to like come from some other world to our world to save the human race or something with the help of a healer, a guild, a whatever, an eagle, some Tartutics, three french hens, and two turtle doves, all while keeping far from some demonic green dog with hair made of grass, and sticking to a set of rules that seems more excessive than the casts of The Rules of Attraction, Rules of Engagement, Breakin’ All the Rules, and The Cider House Rules all competing on Road Rules, if it was hosted by Mercedes Ruehl. Did I lose you? Hopefully, cause this is a giant waste of talent and a giant waste of time. I’m not saying I’m devoid of imagination, but the ham-handed way that it was told leaves little to the imagination. When I first saw the The Village [review] I called for M Night’s head, but then I saw it again, and my opinion did a complete 180 [see bottom of this post]. I don’t think this will be the case with Lady since I plan on never seeing it again. It wasn’t a total wash out, I mean we get to see what Bryce Dallas Howard looks like without make-up, and come to terms with the fact that M Night really isn’t that bad of an actor, handing in the longest cameo of his career… the 3rd lead in the movie!! The same can’t be said of his ‘sister’ in the movie, Sarita Choudhury, who has easily taken the spot on my shitlist that was once occupied by Kate Yeahsworth.

Recommended for those who like: Federico Diaz with a Hulkesque masturbating arm, twenty questions (shower edition), and the Suc Mi Pagoda menu

Possible Porno Name: Shady In The Twater

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any of Bryce Dallas’ daddy’s mo ‘imaginary’ water fests, like Cocoon [Trailer] or Splash [couldn’t find the trailer, so make due with a promo for Splash Too]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Burn Hollywood Burn (for letting M Night make this)’ by Public Enemy [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Wide Awake is the only one of M Night’s movies that he did not appear in. Sadly Rosie O’Donnell did

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

until next time the balcony is clothed…