Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Saturday, August 7

I'm No Longer
Rick James, Bitch!

Peace the FUNK out RJ!!

the end indeed!

Breastest RJ thing ever:
backing vocals on Eddie Murphy's cliss-nassic
"Party All the Time"


# I'm No Longer
Rick James, Bitch!

Friday, August 6

Yo! Bum Rush The Show

hello operator, please give me #9, and if u disconnect me, i'll kick you from behind the fridgerator...
- 911 is a joke in your town. Especially if your town be Glen Burnie, MD. [via Navi]

- R.E.M. announces North American tour. A show not to be missed... unless you have no taste in music of course.

- Marilyn Monroe had a lesbian fling with Joan Crawford. Is there anyone she didn't bone? Damn I need to build a time machine stat! And speaking of hot lady on lady action, what's a three letter word for one of em?

- 2011: An Oprah Dynasty. Stop telling women what to read! They can make up their own damn minds whiles they're picking up my dry cleaning.

- HBO needs to chill with the orig programming. You can't tell me that a drama about a polygamous fictional Utah family with Bill Paxton is going to be good.

- The Simple Life 2's finale was more awfulerer than KFC's fried chicken. If there's a round 3, its time to Burn Hollywood, Burn. I promise, that's the last Public Enemy ref... by the time I get to Arizona.

- "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Please, vote Kerry. In more bush related news, the Cardinals are moving from Busch Stadium to... Busch Stadium. [once again via the Navister]

how i wish i was howard hessman in this photo
- Ever since 11 people were crushed to death at a 1979 Who concert in Cincinnati, every show since has been seats only. But now Cincy officials are going ga-ga for GA (general admish) concerts to try an attract bands skipping over the Ohio shitstain. The city has never been the same once Les Nessman left town.

- Be cool like me and bid on these Indiana Jones glasses.

- Saved! to become a TV show and a musical? The movie wasn't even that good.

- Not lame on a stick, but lame on a Segway.

- Our Dreamers review filled with more hymens than Hymietown, landed the coveted spot in Uncle Grambzy's quote-a-matic section this week. I feel like I just got a star on the Blogosphere Walk of Fame.

I'm off to the oddly shaped state of Merryland for my boi Big Ben's annual Crab Feast Eggstravaganaza via Chinatown bus. I reserved a seat with no MSG...


# Yo! Bum Rush The Show

these guys pulled off the biggest hiest of liberace costumes in history


#

Thursday, August 5

Funkmaster Sex

Kinsey
Let The Oscar Race Begin

This noche, thanks to T&L and T&A sextress Chillary G, me got a sneak preview of this EGGGSALAD flick. And it wasn't one of those crummy screenings where you line-up an hour ahead of time next to smelly old people, but one that is held in a screening room like in the beginning of Citizen Kane. I was just waiting for News on the March to pop up on-screen.

where have the days Qui-Gone?
Anywho, enuff about the cushy seats that kept my cushy tushie cushy and more about the movie that will probably garner multiple Oscar noms. There's no fast cars, sub-machine guns, or even Will Smith rapping over the Clash in this flick, but aren't we all sick of the sheet anyway? This is the true story of Indiana University (my belovedededed alma mater) Professor Alfred Kinsey (Liam Neeson shining on like a crazy diamond with Ralph Fiennennes hair), who pioneered the research of human sexuality and made wearing a bowtie safe for a future Tucker Carlson. During Prof Kinsey's (or 'Prok' as his boyz called him) day and age, people didn't really talk about banging their wives, masturbating to The Mickey Mouse Club, or fingering a jar of marmalade, but he set out to change all that. His groundbreaking book, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, was da Da Vinci Code of its era.

hoosier daddy?
Along the way, Prok busted Laura Linney's hymen and even got to see Peter Sarsgaard's wang (and I aint talking bout a computer)!! And not only that, John Lithgow was his mean daddy and he even gave Chris O'Donnell his first real job since being an anti-semite in School Ties. And not only that, but he told Timothy Hutton to trim his mustache and had to listen to whatever Oliver Platt said!! And not only that, but Tim Curry was in it and he was smoking a cigarette!!! Tim Curry is by far one of the coolest men in the known galaxy.

nip and tucker
So the cast is rather impressive, eh? Yessirebob, but this aint no Ocean's 11 breezy crap-on-a-stick flick, this is one of the breastest films of the year... it also doesn't hurt that it's been a pretty weak year in cinema. And it was directed by Bill Condon, the dude who let Gandalf molest Brendan Fraser in Gods and Monsters. There were only two disappointing aspects of the entire film: 1)they didn't shoot one frame in Bloomington, IN and 2)they didn't incorporate Salt 'n' Pepa's masterpeace "Let's Talk About Sex". Go see this movie. Where else are you going to see Laura Linney's nipple this fall?

For info on the Kinsey Ins-tit-tute, click here. To see the world's wurstest teaser for this movie, click here.

The Manchurian Candidate
The Biopic of Trung's Brother

liev me the funk alone bizatch!!
This movie was like watching 2 hours of the Democratic National Convention and Fahrenheit 9/11 all rolled into one. So why would I want to watch a fictionalized version of what's going on in the world, when I've already seen it? I dunno, maybe cause Denzel is the smoothiest muthersticker in the known galaxy (I wonder if him and Tim Curry are friends). Or cause Liev Schreiber is the greatest living actor named Liev or Schreiber! Or cause secretly I want to have a threesome with Meryl Streep and Merril Hodge! While not awful, yer better just off Netflixing Jacob's Ladder instead. And by the weight, what's with all the remakes Jonathan Demme? Hard up for material dawg? Is a shot-by-shot remake of yer dead bro Ted's Who's The Man next on the docket?


# Funkmaster Sex

Help Is On The Way Out

voting lickin' good
- The Peabs and the Coz are back on the campaign trail after a well deserved 14-year old banging spree in Thailand. Can life gets any butter than this? I sayeth no.

- Ralph Fiennes (somehow pronounced Rayff Fines) is named to play He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in Harry Pothead 4. Joseph Fiennes was found digging through Ralph's trash for rejected scripts.

- Spielberg delays his movie about terrorism due to... terrorism. Maybe now he can work on getting Orson Welles alive to reprise his role as Unicron for Senor's upcoming Transformers flick.

- What we've all been masturbating for: TiVo file sharing. [via Made of Brawn-Stein]

- In America, there's 13,000 McDonald's and only 392 White Castles. What's up with that shiz? The NYTimes investigates. [1nce again via Made of Brawn-Stein]

- Having second thoughts about your cicrumsicion? [via Popbitch]

- Ouch. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Hacking admitted slaying wife. It would also work if his last name was 'Slaying': Slaying admitted hacking wife.

- The future was better back then.

- It's Vinny to Meshawn all over again. What's next, Rich Kotite getting a job?

- R.E.M.'s Around The Sun lands in a stratosphere near you on Rocktober 5th. And the full schedule for the Kerrypalooza has been posted!

- President Martin Van Buren exposes Resident Bush as a traitor... conspiring with the likes of Cpt Crunch.

- And finalimentement, I love him and so do you. So here's some more Borat video love. Throw them Jews down the well!!! [via Ultrahottttie]


# Help Is On The Way Out

Wednesday, August 4

Star Bang: Deep Six Nine

If George Jetson and Jeri Ryan...

c'mon, jane is still breast george!

banged like rabbits, their daughter
would look like Jessica Rabbit

i dont think kids should be watching this crap

Gawd I love redheads:
Lohan
Ann-Margaret
Julianne Moore (NSFW)
Wendy
Ginger 'Snaps' Spice
Tiffany (NSFW... I hope we're alone now)
Nic (NSFW)
Bryce Howard Dallas
and now
Roger's ho-bag of a wife (NSFW)


# Star Bang: Deep Six Nine

Beef Strokingoff

rosie's a$$ would never taste this good
- Lettuce pack the car kiddies and head west until we hit Clearfield, PA 16830. Why? Cause two whole tomatoes, a half-head of lettuce, 12 slices of American cheese, a full cup of peppers, two entire onions, a river a mayonnaise, ketchup, and mustard, and 6 lbs of beef await us at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub. I mean, you can't even buy a black market 9 lb baby for $23.95! Freedom means a lot of things to a lot of peoples, but to me, it means burgers as big as Rosie O'Donnell's left a$$ cheek!! [Bless you Wanamaker for this k-knowledge]

- To broke to get HBO? Today be yer lucky day as we bring, Ali G's cohort, Borat to your computer monitor. [Link via London News Review]

- Subservient Chicken. And now, Subservient President. I'll pay someone 6 dollars if they build me a Subservient Lohan. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- StereoTrident unravels: Kevin Ferderline, The Early Years.

- In honor of the Orimpics, just a few gyros away, we give you the worstest javelinerster evers. All apolygeez if you've seen it before. And this is what it sounds like if Webster was Asian and sang like a dying cat [Vids via Flea]

- Batman Begins begins. At least Joel Suckmaker isn't directing.

the days before the internet
- Nintendo's Mario explained! The Super Mario Bros. Super Show starring Cpt Lou Albano not explained!

- She wore a JonRamseyBenet, the kind you find in a second hand store. Oh, by the way, her daddy is in a close race for a state House seat in Michigan.

- The Brown Billboard. [Link via Socialightbrite]

- Dave Chappelle is rich bitch. Fity mil rich.

- I'll give someone a back rub if they send me to Hawaii this Thanksgiving to see The Maui Invitational. Tickets go on sale August 17.

- R.E.M., Springsteen, Dixie Chicks, the OG JT, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt, Jimmy Buffett, John Mellencamp, and Dave Matthews Band are all Kerryworshipers and are hittin' the road in his name.

- Final-lee, THIS IS QUITE UMCREDIBLE. [Link love wants again from Zach de la Roachclip]


# Beef Strokingoff

Tuesday, August 3

Look At That S Car Go

how could u do this to me lohan?
- Lindsay Lohan 'loves boyfriend to death'... not the headline I really wanted to read today, yesterday, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day after tomorrow never knows and never dies.

- Snail Spitting. Bigger than William Hung? Wait, who the fork is William Hung?

- Italians eat smelly food sez London Underground poster. At least they have a cuisine England!

- Andy Rooney is Gawd. And this is his gospel. I hope he lives forever like in that Oasis song. Lettuce pool are money and turn him into a popsicle. You think he's pissed now? Imagine how irate he'll be when we dethaw him in 2067!

- NYC. Pizza. And one Blog to rule them all. Come and grab a slicesh.

- I'd watch Keira Knightley eat microwaved tuna covered with spiders for 3 hours. I'd probably also go see her in this too.

- Better than Simple Life 1 & 2: Andy Dick's The Assistant. Watch it. It airs 16 times a day on MTV.

- Ice T's ancient side project, Body Count, apparently has resurrected from the dead and are playing at NY's Knitting Factory on August 21st. I think their umcredible tune, "KKK Bitch" was the only track on that disc that didn't have "Body Count" in the title. I'd give my third testicle to be there, but unfortunately, I'll be sucking maple syrup in Vermont that weak end. Dang cause I was always wondering what Mooseman and Beatmaster V have been up to since I last saw them take the stage to sing "Cop Killer" with Public Enemy in November of 1992 at the Uni-brow-versity of MD's Ritchie Coliseum, with Navi (pronounced 'ney vie').

- The Pixies are going everywhere (no NY dates yet), Wilco are coming to Radio City Music Hall in Rocktober, and Badly Drawn Boy heads to Walla Walla Whitman College.

- Ross K Dajoi comes alive like Frampton and Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science.

- And yes, Pubic Hair Toupees. Yep. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]


# Look At That S Car Go

Monday, August 2

Cashiers Du Cinema

The Village Idiocy

ron howard's daughter a fox?
If the Quakers ever made a movie about the Amish it would resemble something 1/3 as boring as F Murray Shyamalan's The Village. This 'movie' hinges on 1 and 1/2 twists that are revealed 1 and 1/2 hours too late. I kept turning to my mother in the theater and asking when something was going to happen. And nothing ever did. Except that Michael Pitt somehow got another paycheck which is so mindgoogling that I'm sure Sir Larry Olivier, Orson Welles, and John C Reilly are all spinning in their graves. And wow, those monsters of the woods (who not hath names that shall beith uttered only on Wednesdays in our fair community away from the townseses who how why that shall not be neareth the color red for it is forsaken in the elder's words of harvest and hoeing) were really damn scary... for those of you who thinkith that Count Chocula is scary. Hey F Murray Shyamalan, why not take a stab at another film genre besides F Murray Shyamalan brainfudge 'thrillers'. Give it a rest you one-trick-phony F Murray Shyamalan!! You may have stroke gold with Haley Joel Omelette, but yer storytelling has gone downhill faster than Pirmin Zurbriggen. Your scripts read like a dead-end trail in a Choose Your Own Adventure book. At least yer cameo this time around wasn't as horribleristic as your Signs one. Maybe you can star in the sequel to Harold's Wild White Castle Adventure called, Dude, Where's My Kumar? Slit me eyes out bad? Yep, if only I could keep them open. On the bright side of thangs, the sets and costumes were top notch! And hey, thanks F Murray Omelette Shyamalandingdong for making me utter these words after viewing yer movie: "Me'd like to bone Ron Howard's daughter!"

Post script - please read Ebert's review.

The Dreamers - Dream On Like Brian Benbenben

an accident waiting to be hired
When you can't cast Leo, get Pitt, and when Brad's not available, get Michael Pitt. Who's Michael Pitt's agent? The dude most be as brillyant as Archimedes in order to get the Pittster work. His acting is about as wooden as John Wooden's last name "Wooden". Michael Pitt single handedly ruined a movie where an uber fly nekkid French chick, Eva Green, flaunts her fun bags and poonanny for most of her screen time. And why were people so up in arms about the NC-17 rating the 'film' was slapped with? Have you ever seen a movie where Michael Pitt busters a woman's hymen, and then rubs the blood juice all over her? I not only wanted to slit my eyes out after that moment, but wanted to cut off my knob and build a fortress made of hymens to protect me from more Michael Pitt movies. Lord knows how you landed the role of Tommy Gnosis. Even Hedwig would cut off the rest of his/her's angry inch.

Greendale - Low Adventures In Low-Fi

that's one crazy-ass horse
It's The Who's Tommy meets The Blair Witch Project minus the 300 dollar budget. A must see for anyone suffering from insomnia or wants to see a movie almost as boring as F Murray Omelette Shyamalandingdong's latest. Just buy the CD and make up your own story in yer head. And please, "Be The Rain".

The Human Stain - In My Undies

sir anthony hopkins did all his research by watching this
Who knew that Philip Roth could make a rich man's version of C Thomas Howell's Soul Man meets The Jerk? Bi thy weigh, can you bee leave that Soul Man also starred Arye Gross, Rae Dawn Chong, Leslie Nielsen, James Earl Jones, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Ron Reagan Jr, AND ALF's crack smoking foster dad Max Wright!! The 80's when everything was possible and ALF's foster dad didn't have gay orgy crackfests!!

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen - Confessions of a Thigh Master Forced To Watch A Wretched Lohan Flick For The 2nd Time

how i felt after watching this crap on stick
Don't get me wrong folks, this Lohan-Disney-cheese-a-thon is great spanking material, but it's probably one of the wurstestest movies I have seen all year. Not even a collaboration between C Thomas Howell, F Murray Abraham, and M Night Shyamalan could be this awfulistically. If only Her Royal Thighness outputted a few more stinkers like these instead of hitting it big like her rack, she'd be in Playboy 7 times over by now.


# Cashiers Du Cinema

Is It Football Season Yet?
Part 461,273,672,341

water, the offical drink of humans

women's version of fantasy football

future redskins cheerleader

Almost...


# Is It Football Season Yet?
Part 461,273,672,341

Kerry On My Wayward
Son of a Mill Worker

I'll have a triple cheese burger, XXXL fries, a frosty, chili, and one large diet coke
- After a weekend of munching down on an abundance of chocolate covered frozen bananas covered in nuts and watching hours upon hours of Kerry's love-a-thon, aka Boston's RUN-DNC, I've re-cuffed my hands to this keyboard and am reporting for duty. I hadn't watched that much politicical TV since they had the Power Playaz week of Jeopardy! First of all, Mo Rocca's guest anal-list gig on CNN was a stroke of the penis. I mean genius. Secondly, I want to be Tucker Carlson's partner in a game of Trivial Pursuit. Thirdly, convention producer and balloon hater, Don Mischer is the new Lenny Bruce. [Link via StereoChiclets]. And lastly, after the whole convention was over, I made up my voting mind. I'm going to vote for any party that takes a very special pit-stop, on their road to victory, to celebrate an annual wedding anniversary dinner at Wendy's. And by the looks of it, Elizabeth Edwards attacks the 99 cent menu, with her Hobbit appetite, for every meal of the day. Click me for more hot and lurid Democratic burger photos.

- And Gawd bless the Democratic Party and their bootynutritiouslicious single women. Oddly enuff, I found this link thru a Pakistani news service.

- I demand that you watch Da Ali G Show. There not be any show that not be butter than this one. Period! Exclamation point. Each episode this season has been more classic than Coke. Last week's Borat intervieweeee, ex-congressional candidate James Broadwater, declared that when Jews die they would go to hell. Now Broadwater is "angry and embarrassed" about the whole thing and has filed a complaint with the FCC and the local sheriff's office. And if you haven't already done so, or lost the link, or are lost in La Mancha's land of the lost of the land of the lost city of lost children, watch Ali G's Harvard commencement speech (skip to 01:27:34). Beats anything I heard coming out of Boston last week.

- The Toronto Star's 'buzz' section reads like a 3rd grade version of Uncle Grambo's brillyant ramblings. Effin tourists.

i want to butter yer McMuffins
- Martine McCutcheon (the chick that gave me and Hugh Grant 17 boners each in Love Hactually) is set to star as Monica Lewinski in a FOX TV-movie. The only way this can get any better is if they offer me the role of Bill Clinton. I'd be McTouching Ms McCutcheon and be holding a McLuncheon on her body.

- WWII may be a thing of the pasture, but the Rome-Tokyo Axis is still alive with the sounds of odd commercials. [Link via Seltzer with an 'H']

- I wish bacon was a fossil fuel. [Link via Time Werespanko]

- My girl CityRag Doll's site is blowing up faster than tin foil in a microwave. I wear a bib when reading her delicious columns and so should you.

- William Shatner's cover of Pulp's "Common People" borders on umazing and borders on Barnes & Noble. [Link via Popbitch]

- The Lebowski Fest NY is juss around the corner and its not just about bowling and getting sheet-faced anymore. Join Jeff Dowd, the real 'Dude', as he delivers a giant "gift basket" to the upcoming Republican Convention at MSG. The basket will contain truth serum, a pair of glasses to help them with vision, a copy of the Constitution, and a bowling ball. The Dude is inviting any friends who want to join him to make this delivery on Friday, August 13th before heading to the night's activities. Camera crews will be filming for his documentary, The Dude: The Real Lebowski. If you are interested in joining him click here. He's come a long way since his work with the Seattle Seven.

- And frynally, just wanted to give a big ole thanks to Navi for keeping the Thighs Wide open for bidness whilst I was away. Also a big shalom (in this case, peace & goodbye) to former NYers Beowulffie & B Zakades. You will be missed, but I will visit you... but only for the quality eats in yer new hiz-areas.


# Kerry On My Wayward
Son of a Mill Worker

Sunday, August 1

Smothers Brothers
From Another Mother

Bitched @ Swirth
This one's personal!!
we have a lot in common, like loathing robin givens
The Master o' Thighs and
Mike 'Even Glass Joe Could Beat Me Now' Tyson


# Smothers Brothers
From Another Mother