Thighs Wide Shut

Notes On A Scandal & Venus
Two To Take Note Of
NOAS Trailer|Venus Trailers

If you’re old, miserable, rolling solo and happen to be living in not so sunny London, apparently you have only one option: latch yourself onto someone younger, livelier, and mos def, totally bangable. Such is the course of action for our films two main protagonists, NOAS‘s crotchety female Andy Rooney played by Dame Judi Dench and Venus‘s one foot in the grace actor Lothario played by Peter O’Toole. While neither story plays out to a contrived happy Hollywood ending (this is British cinema folks!), one is a bit less unsettling than the other, and oddly enuff its the one where a younger woman lets the protagonist smell her fingers after she removes it from her crotch! I won’t tell you which film contains this clammy roast beef odor, so I guess you’ll have to see both. Good thing, cause each film is worth czechin out for these two performances alone. And speakin of smelly jelly, how come nothing ever became of John Waters’ Odorama enhanced movie viewing techmology? Dats almos a bigger cryin shame than the dreck that Will Ferrell keeps starring in. Shake and bake? More like tame and lame.

Unsatisfied with these?: Netflix All-American Girl: The Mary Kay Letourneau Story & Harold & Maude [trailer]

Possible Porno Name: Nodes On An Anal & V-Necks & Penis

Apt MPupil3: Roy Orbison’s ‘Only The Lonely‘ [d]

IMDb Sweeney: the only other film to feature both O’Toole and his equally distinguished Venus co-star Leslie Phillips was… King Ralph!?!?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): both Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Rental Round Up(dog)
super kwik edish

The Descent – the scariest bit was how un-hot the chicks were

All the King’s Men – if I wanted to bore myself watchin Sean Penn spew political babble, I woulda turned on CNN

The Wicker Man (Nic Cage versh) – not as awful as the critics made it out to be and not awful at all… seriously

World Trade Center – the better of the two 9/11 movies this year and the 2nd watchable Nic Cage movie of the year… haven’t been able to say that for ages

Thank You for Smoking – I’m sick to death of Aaron Eckhart. He’s starting to become a more annoying screen presence than Nic Cage!

The Black Dahlia – Brian De Palma takes a break from ripping off Hitchcock to rip off himself

Wassup Rockers – Larry Clark, no one asked to see Kids: Latino Stizz

Dave Chappelle’s Block Party – the finest black movie made by a Frenchmen, EVER

An Inconvenient Truth – had Gore won back in the ’00 would GWBush have starred in that long rumored Alfred E Newman biopic?

Invincible – the only thing missing from this Disney flick was Air Bud

John Tucker Must Die – and the screenwriters too, although Arielle Kebbel is the new Kibbles & Tits!

Hard Candy – no Ellen Page in tight X-Men leather, so how good could it really be?

Mission: Impossible III – the best of the 3… which doesn’t really say much

Idlewild – more like Snooze A While

A Prairie Home Companion – I think Altman died watching this movie

Keeping Up with the Steins – probably the wurstest Bar Mitzvah I never attended

Who Killed the Electric Car? – Who cares?

Clerks 2 – when will America or the Weinstein Bros wake up and realize that Kevin Smith blows donkey goats?

Nacho Libre – Jared Hess is the next Wes Anderson Kevin Smith

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

•

what a mos s’wonderful day to be an Ed Kowalczyk fan [d]

and…
Still Sour Grapes
& Gripes
& Still Gr8 @ 88
(which should not to be confused with
88 Keys or Eighty Eight, Kentucky)
everyone’s mos flavorite
Hokie & Thrasher Hater
Andrew
Aitken
Rooney

previously, Spank Heaven For Age 87 & Still A Prick @ 86

El Laberinto del Fauno (Pan’s Labyrinth)
A Pan That Needs Even Mo Flash
Trailer

Pan’s Labyrinth has gots to be the mos misleading movie title in years. With about 1/4th of the entire picture dedicated to said Lab of Pan, a more apt title woulda been The Little Spanish Girl Who Sometimes Escapes Into A World of Fantasy Cause She’s Trapped In The Mountains With Her Beyond Evil Facist Stepfather Who Loves Beating The Fork Outta People. The movie is yearning to be a mythical masterpiece, but it’s too darn busy being entrenched in a post-war melodrama, albeit, a very enjoyable one, to capitalize on its full potential. There’s only room for one movie here and this one’s got two of em sorta runnin concurrently. And it’s this overcrowdedness that keeps it from being a masterpiece. I felt the same exact way after peepin Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s A Very Long Engagement, but then again, I couldn’t figure out a way how either of them could have been eggsicuted any butter. Regardless of my needless bickering, director Guillermo del Toro is still one to watch, even if Pan’s Labyrinth is purty much a female version of his Devil’s Backbone. Luckily for us all, it isn’t a Spanish version of his Hellboy, aka HELLBOO

Unsatisfied with this?: and itchin to see more of that evil stepfather, the gr8 Sergi López? Netflix the French Hitchcockian dizzle With A Friend Like Harry… [trailers]

Possible Porno Name: Pan’s Labium

Apt MPupil3: David Bowie’s ‘Magic Dance‘ [d|vid] from Jim Henson’s ’86 crapertiece, Labyrinth

IMDb Sweeney: yes, Mercedes, the unsaucy female resistance fighter, is the same woman who was totally drivable in Y Tu Mamá También

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): mos def Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Children of Men
Kids Я dUst
Trailer

If ‘anything about a future dystopian society‘ tops my mos flavorite genres for book readin than the same muss be true for cinema. I means, how else could one rationally explain my placing of The Island in my top twelve list of last year?!!???!? Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty o future duds, remember V For Vendetta… didn’t think so, but when a director gets it right, boy (and/or girl) does he (and/or she) get it right. And I am gleefully happy to report that Children of Men is the bestestestest of said genre since 12 Monkeys caputered a captive audience back in the ’95. Would you expect anything less from Alfonso Cuarón, the director who made the only thumbcredible Harry Potter flick and made me want to have a foursome with the cast of Y Tu Mamá También?

Dat’s right folks, this flick, about our world 20 years from now where women can no longer pop out babies, isn’t only a blue ribbon winner of its genre, but of filmdom in general. There’s so much goodness goings on that there’ll be something for everyone to enjoy, I gar-on-tee. It’s purty hard not to come out with anything less than specialtacular when your cast consists of some of today’s breast of the breast like Clive Owen, Julianne Moore (try not to get too attached to her character), Chiwetel Ejiofor, Peter Mullan, Danny Huston, newcomer Claire-Hope Ashitey, and Michael Caine, who hands in probably the 2nd finest stoner performance in modern movies (can you guess who’s #1? well, I can tell you that Tom Cruise’s toking in Eyes Wide Shut is the opposite of #1). Fab cast aside, what truly stands out in this franztastic feature is Cuarón’s use of eggsisting locations. It’s so much easier to buy into a future when real places are used than when it’s all shot on set and all CGI-rendered out on an Apple (it’s one of the main reasons why 28 Days Later be da illest horror joint in the past decade). From frame one, I knew Children of Men was going to be something very special, and I hope you feel the same way

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Michael Winterbottom’s ghastly underseen near-future tale Code 46 [trailer] which also was shot a ton at eggsisting locations

Possible Porno Name: Children On Men

Apt MPupil3: Franco Battiato‘s cover of the Rolling Stone’s ‘Ruby Tuesday‘ [d] which sounds like it belongs in a Wes Anderson flick, but probably wouldn’t work as well as it did in CoM. The rest of the sdtrk is purty killah, so czech that shaz out!

A Saucerful of Secrets: yes, that floating pig in the sky is a direct ref to Pink Floyd’s album cover for Animals. By the gay, that flamous Battersea Power Station is in the process of being redeveloped

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Volver
Return of the Mack Padre
Trailer

When Pedro Almodóvar releases a movie people go and see it. For those who don’t cause you hate Spain or the language you were forced to take for 7+ years of yer academic life, you should follow suit. Why? Cause like the taste of McDonald’s fries, you’re about 90% sure of being satisfied to the bone. Sure, they sometimes come out soggy, but you’d still eat em anywayz. Volver, while not as adventurous as La Mala Educación or as coma-tastic as Hable Con Ella, is still a splendid piece o work and a mos s’wonderful addition to Almodóvar’s cannon of chick flicks for this early bit of the 21st century. Every Volver review that one reads gabs on and on like Gabbo about how this is a giant return to form for its star Penélope Cruz. Yeah, no shit, cause listening to her speak English is like listening to me taking a dump after plowing thru the entire Fresh-Mex menu at Chevy’s. And while each of those reviews are busy creating needless Oscar buzz, they fail to point out the mos important bazzle of Cruz’ volve to her native tongue: since you don’t have to pay attention to what’s coming outta Cruz’ piehole you are free to spend the entire pic faping to her redonkey-donk yammy-yams or rehippopotamus-hipp tuchy-tuchus or her regiraffe-gira necky-neck (damn that thing is long!)

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Son De Mar [trailer] featuring the NSFWness of one of Pedro’s bizatches and my mos flavorite Western Europeaners, Leonor Watling

Possible Porno Name: Vulva

Apt MPupil3: the title track that Cruz lip syncs and clap syncs to, ‘Volver‘ [d] by Estrella Morente

I Licked Yer Mum’s Pechos On Yer Dad’s Techo: mi mos favorite Spanish verbs es molestar y chupar, as in como para chuparse los dedos = it’s finger licking good!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): like a majority of cine del Almodóvar, Pecho En La Demostración/Breast In Show

until next thyme, which will be sooner rather than later cause my arse has gotta lotta seein and reviewin to do, the balcony is clothed…