we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2017

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Fourteenthial Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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Thing In A Movie That Pissed Me Off More Than Urinating In and/or On My Own Pants

trying to make Rose from Star Wars
The Last Jedi a thing

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Second Thing In A Movie That Pissed Me Off More Than Urinating In and/or On My Own Pants AND That Wasn’t Leia Flying In Space

the environmental message of freeing the DUMBo animals in Last Jedi

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The 8th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The You Think You’re An Actress And Maybe You Are But You Annoy The Living Bejesus Out Of Me Every Time I See You On Screen And I Want You Gone So Please Stop Acting Award

go away

Lily James & her teef

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

 

Dan Stevens

who had SEVEN flix released in 2017!!

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Gifs of the Gawds

anything Rihanna was doing in Valerian

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Begging For More Begbie

there is nothing better than Begbie, the best part of Trainspotting 2

so forget about making a 3rd one and just make a stand alone Begbie movie please

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Bob’s Big Girls (& Boys)
aka
The 2017 Bobbies!

these bobbies are darin!

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Eiza González

 & 

Anjela Nedyalkova

 & 

Hot Aunt May

 & 

Gosling’s sister’s rack

 & 

 Salacious B Crumb sitting on a toilet, reading Playboy

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Ana de Armas 

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FOAM Alone!

aka hottest NON-human part of any movie

the foam from Dunkirk

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Hairing Is Caring AND Sexy

Come for the tennis, and then literally COME watching this hairdressing scene!!!

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Würstest BESTEST Date Movie/Witherspoonfest
of 2017

I can’t believe I typed this

Home Again

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Best Boys On The Side Player

THIS GUY!!!!

 from I, Tonya

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Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As Norman Bates

The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – ‘Bellbottoms’ in Baby Driver (somehow I forgot this song existed)

hologram Elvis in Blade Runner 2049

Bowie’s In Space

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

It Comes at Night / Marrowbone / The Girl with All the Gifts / All Nighter / Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie / The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Ninja N. Devoe

Flint Beverage

&
David Buttolph

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Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

i made all these Kao Kan gifs for you

this logo

Why I Love David Fincher’s Zodiac

where leia’s hair buns
were inspired from

Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones and Sean Young as Marion Ravenwood!!!!!!!!

Eworks on Ice!

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Movies To Look For In The ‘018

 

Four Billboards Outside of Branson, Missouri

Boss Toddler

DiPs

Hello Robin Christopher

The Man Who Invented Hanukkah

Rebel in the Pumpernickel

17 Fast, 17 Furious

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In Memoriam

too many great names to name, so we’ll just leave it like this

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don’t forget to peep out our  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

I just know that this is going to be EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tony Romo’s broken, but our Annual NFL Pee View aint.  here we go…

NFC

The Giants should easily win the NFC East, right?  Ben McAdoo?  More like Ben McAdon’t!  They say he looks like some dude on South Park (a show I haven’t watched since season 1), but I think he looks like a bullsh!t version of Begbie from Trainspotting.  Regardless, in my heart of hearts, I want no team to win less than them.  Living in New York City, during a time when they’ve netted 2 Lombardi trophies, has been simply unbearable.  Having them suck above all other NY sports teams is all I can hang my hopes on to.  I don’t trust the Redskins, but I actually think they’re more together than the other teams in their division (Eagles may suprise, but probably not), and so, they will make the playoffs… and probably lose in the first round again

Silly to think that the Packers have only won one Super Bowl with A.A. Ron Rodgers, but that’s the truth.  His brother ‘won’ the Bachelorette, and apparently there’s been much Rodgers family drama going on with their ladies, which will distract A.A. Ron from winning another.  The Vikes need another sex boat scandal to become sexy again, and the Bears are praying the Cubs dominance will continue to take the edge and attention off and away from their awfulness… which leaves the Megatron-less Lions being the mightiest of this bunch.  Woah!  Say it aint so!

The Panthers will remain one of the conference’s top dogs (or should that be cats?), but the Saints will give them a run for their money all season long.  Brees will actual break the record for most TDs in a game – a record he is currently shares with 7 other white dudes.  The Bucs will continue to suck until they realize that they need to revert back to their original uniforms and helmet.  And the Falcons?  Time to put Matty on ice for good, or in a dumpster (on fire or not)

The 12th man and the 11 starting Seahawks will retake their West crown back from the Cardinals, in 4pm EST games most of us will not really care about, but will watch, cause it’s football!!!  Will be cool to see the Rams back in Los Angeles, and even more cooler when we see the Rams without Jeff Fisher.  What woulda been even way more cooler is if they renamed themselves the Los Angeles Dons – the 1st football team to ever play in LA, which was co-owned by Louis B Mayer, Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, and Don Ameche!  DON FCUKING AMECHE PEOPLE!!

#1 Seahawks

#2 Panthers

#3 Skinz

#4 Lions

#5 Cardinals

#6 Saints

NFC Championship – Saints meet up with the Panthers and stun the defending Conference champ – 44 – 39!!!

nice neck!

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AFC

Is this the year the Patriots don’t getter-done?  Everyone’s sick of them and their cheating.  That’s why the NFL punished them – even though they’ve never been proven guilty of anything, other than being amazing.  (OK, I guess they got caught in Spygate, but that was almost 10 years ago, and I can’t remember what happened 10 seconds ago).  We certainly shouldn’t count them out, but lets say Jimmy Galapagos isn’t Tom Brady II.  OK – Jimmy Santangelo isn’t the 2nd coming of Tom Brady.  Lets say he puts them in a 0-4 hole to start the season.  OK, Jimmy Gulps loses 4 games. Sure, Brady could win the next 12, but lets say he only wins 9?  9-7 is tough tomatoes when talking about AFC playoff spots.  Seems like some AFCers have finished 10-6 and haven’t made the dance.  So, for giggles and big sh!ts, lets say the Pats try their dam damn bestest, but don’t make it to the playoffs!  I’M CALLING IT!!!  Cause honestly, what else do I have to do?  So, I guess that means I have to pick a division winner.  I have a soft spot in my heart for the Bills, but one coach Ryan is too many coach Ryans, so two coach Ryans is too two too many.  Phins stink, so my defacto winner are the Jets!!!

RGIII is now the Browns‘ problem, but it’s a perfect place for him – low visibility and even lower expectations.  And I expect him to be placed on injured reserve when his ego deflates in week 4, when his former teammates on the Redskins scalp his RGKnees to shreds!!!  I don’t dig on the Steelers and their drug addicted team, and I don’t dig the Ravens neither (mainly cause black still doesn’t pair well with purple).  I also don’t diggity dig on the Bengals none either neither, but at least their consistent, at being good in the regular season, and sucking in the post-season.  The NFL’s storylines don’t change dramatically from year to year, so the Cincy boys will win.  Insert ‘Zzz’ emoji here…

Gonna spare you and me the words, and leave the North division to one word - Colts 

I’m doing it again, two years in a row – picking the Chiefs, Broncos and Chargers all to make the playoffs, cause why the funk not?  Hell, the Raiders even have a shot… when they move to Vegas and become The Las Vegas He Hates Mees!

Seeds

#1 Colts

#2 Bengals

#3 Jets

#4 Chiefs

#5 Broncos

#6 Chargers

AFC Championship – IF the Pats don’t make the Playoffs, the Colts with luck without suck will ground the Jets – 21 – 10

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Super Bowl –wait, how did I pick a rematch of Super Bowl XLIV???  dunno – but these things happen, but this time the Colts win, and the two teams combine to break the record of most points scored in a Super Bowl (75 pts in Super Bowl XXIX)

Colts 39, Saints 37

rumspringa party time for all the Amish kids!!!

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our super ye olde yee pee views always used to end with a pic of Meagan Good in a Hooters outfit, cause why not?  we thought we used every single Meagan Good in a Hooters outfit picture in the known world, but turns out we didn’t!  lucky you!  lucky me!  lucky we!!

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perv-iously…

Ten Things I Hate About Our Tenth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Deep Spaced Nine Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

H8-Ashbury Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Bert BlySeven Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

It was fucking obvious that that cunt was going to fuck some cunt

Trainspotting‘s film poster campaign, 15 years on

via Leafyskins