Thighs Wide Shut

The Happening
More Like The Unhappening
Trailers & Mo

There’s never a dull moment, but nothing at all that interesting going on in M Night Shyamalan’s latest trifle, The Happening. You’ll be more thrilled by his previous lackluster effort, Lady in the Water [TWS review], than you will be by this, which is easily his weakest effort to date. The saddest bit of it all is that nothing really happens, unless you count one ‘jump out of your seat’ moment, endless scenes of people running from the wind and trees, and Zoey Deschannel handing in one of the worstestest performances we’ve seen this year. Had someone else directed this quarter-baked environmental disaster flick, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but audiences expect more outta M Night, and the audience we were watching it with starting booing as soon as the credits rolled. Do yourself a flavor, skip this and Netflix The Mist, where sh%t actually happen(ing)s

He’s Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today : Clerks clerk Brian O’Halloran plays a jeep driver, although you’ll only see his eyes looking through a rear-view mirror

Verdictgo: in terms of a M Night movie it’s Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

My Winnipeg
You Can Never Leave Home Again
Trailers & Mo

My Winnipeg is director Guy Maddin‘s beautifully constructed, and often hilarious love/hate poem of the town he has called home since birth. Mixing civic fact and fiction with his own family’s follies, Maddin, with his signature silent era film look in tow, creates his own surreal dream-like take on Manitoba’s capital city, past, present and future. His Winnipeg is a colorful place (shown in gorgeous black & white), filled with dark snowy nights, sleepwalkers, frozen horses, seances, man pageants, elderly hockey legends forever playing in the abandoned arena of the Jets [watch it’s demolition here] and his crotchety mother. What’s true and what’s false isn’t important, cause the mythology he presents is so filled with affection and energy that you’ll want to believe every bit of it

Up Chuk: wees suckers for any hockey player who has ‘chuk’ in their last name, and the Jets had two flamous ones, Dale Hawerchuk and Keith Tkachuk

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Encounters at
The End of The World
The Science of Nature and The Nature of Scientists
Trailers & Mo

Werner Herzog knows a thing or seven about man and his fragile relationship with nature. His films (Fitzcarraldo) and documentaries (Grizzly Man) have explored that idea ad infinitum, and with his uneven, yet engaging Encounters, he takes his probing eyes and didactic husky voice to Antarctica, to find out what the dealio. The ‘encounters’ he has down there with scientists, travelers and other inquiring minds works best when they’re out playing in the snow, but every time we’re indoors, Herzog’s mocking commentary is usually more interesting than the words his interviewees are providing. At least he knows to focus more of the attention on the breathtaking landscape of Antarctica and not on its breathless soundscape

Bowled Over: the main US base of operations down there is McMurdo Station. It aint got much, but it does have a bowling alley!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Quid Pro Quo
Spell & Wheelchair Binding
Trailers & Mo

While we saw the ending coming a kilometer away, it didn’t hold us back from being completely intrigued by Quid Pro Quo‘s story of a paraplegic public radio reporter (the vastly underrated Nick Stahl) investigating an underworld of able-bodied people who wish they were disabled, who finds love and a lot of heartache (with The Departed‘s Vera Farmiga, and her haunting blue eyes) in the process. Director Carlos Brooks may not be hitting an outright home run with his first feature, but he shows great skill and promise in piecing together this odd detective story to give this and his future endeavors a look

We Hate He: jerk actor Jacob Pitts is well on his way to joining Charles Dance & James Woods in our Screen Asshole Guild – Hall of Fame

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Das Happening is playing at a theater new Jew, while Encounters, Winnipeg and Quid are in limited release

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The US Air Guitar Championships – NY Regionals
Bowery Ballroom
June 3rd

[mo pics from trixiebedlam]

The Bowery Ballroom is hands and thighs down one of the bestest music venues in the world. We’ve seen many a top notch shows there, big and small (including, but not limited to Blur, The Hives, Amy Winehouse, Keane and even Huey Lewis and The News) , but we haven’t seen anything quite like what went on there last night. The US Air Guitar Championships is criss-crossing the country, searching for that one American with a certain airness that will best represent us at the World Championships in Finland. The the tour kicked off at the B-Ballroom, which happened to be celebrating its 10th anniversary on the very same evening. Hosted by Björn Türoque (that’s ‘byorn to rock’ for those who can’t finger it out) and judged by Daily Show fella Jason Jones, Willie Giest, and two record label dudes, 21 courageous performers, ranging from beyond rawking to beyond awful, took to the stage with nothing but air. The field was then narrowed to five finalists, and the top three finishers were by far the creme de le menthe. Some fatty mcgee calling himself Air To The Throne took the top prize by exposing a thong in his final performance, but he didn’t have the spunk of former US champ Hot Lixx Hulahan, who swung from a curtain, our our personal flav, Shreddy Mercury, whose wife earlier ‘wooed’ the judges in a salacious way to get her man a higher score, which got the crowd to chant ‘Shreddy’s Wife’ over and over. If that’s not love, then let Mola Ram take our heart out

extending album art via bs tumble shiz

Lily Allen cans in Cannes [NSFW]

Jonah Hill looking for Street cred, but will probably end up with Street crud

how’d we miss this Stereogum gem: Ben Gibbard And Colin Meloy Cover Blur

MILFS hate porn [Jay Leno’s Headlines]

TV’s Best Season Finales Ever… hint, last night’s Gossip Girl wasn’t one of them, although we still want to make love to Chuck Bass’ eyebrows

the life of a hand supermodel

Inconvenient Truths

tumbling onto a WNBA telecast is like strolling into Mervyns — I never expect much and seldom buy anything

Who are the ‘black Irish’?

this person is not a fan of Totino’s Pizza

& Star Wars tats

Mister Lonely
Off The Wall
Trailers & Mo

Ever imagine what would happen if Michael Jackson and Marilyn Monroe visited an old age home together? Or if Buckwheat and Shirley Temple played in a chicken coop? Or if Queen Elizabeth had sex with Pope John Paul II? Probably not, but then again you don’t have the wondrous and twisted imagination that Harmony Korine has. Yeah, remember him, the wunderkind who wrote Kids (a movie we couldn’t see as a Freshman in college because it was NC-17 and we hadn’t turned 18 yet) and had his last painful effort Julien Donkey-Boy drop 9 years ago? Lettuce not dwell on what the hell he’s been up to this past decade and instead celebrate his triumphant return to cinema with Mister Lonely, his ode to celebrity impersonators that could end up being the funniest movies of the year, which isn’t produced by Judd Apatow, let alone have any jokes or gags in it

Diego Luna (the more dreamy Y tu Mama-er in our opinion) has enough trouble juss being himself, so by day he works the streets of Paris as a Michael Jackson impersonator. Although he’s got the costumes and all the right MJ moves down pat, he doesn’t speak the language and has trouble fitting in with the rest of society. That is until he crosses paths with a faux Monroe, played with heart-breaking bestness by Samantha Morton (is there any better set of eyes in acting today?), who whisks him away to a kooky, yet friendly neverland colony of other impersonators (Abe Lincoln, James Dean, the Three Stooges, Madonna, etc), which is run by Morton’s husband, an asinine Charlie Chaplin mimic (their screen daughter is actually played by Morton’s real life daughter Esme, who also has the same set of piercing eyes). In a seemingly unrelated side story, director Werner Herzog plays a priest guiding the light of a bunch of flying nuns (maybe they’re Sally Field impersonators?). Wha?

So what do all these shenanigans add up to? On the surface it sounds like a movie that’s weird juss for the sake of being weird, and in fact it is, but it’s also one of the more brilliant films we’ve seen in quite awhile. Korine’s movies are hard ones to recommend without reservations, but for those with an open mind, you’ll find it to be earnest and endlessly hilarious, although we can’t we still can’t tell if it’s intentional or not

Good Cover Version: what do Sophie Ellis Bextor, Elton John, Robbie Williams, Liam Gallagher, Phil Collins, Kylie, David Bowie, Bjork, Bono, Missy Elliot, George Michael, J-Lo, Paul McCartney, Craig David, Tom Jones, Keith Richards, Kurt Cobain, Rod Stewart, Meat Loaf, Cher, J Kay, Brian May, Mick Jagger Gary Numan and Jarvis Cocker all have in common? They’re impersonators star and sing in Pulp’s video for ‘Bad Cover Version’ [PulpWiki]

Recycled Linky Poo: we posted this a week or so ago, but now it’s more apt… Who Korine would like to be

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Son of Rambow
Kids Film The Darndest Things
Trailers & Mo

Apparently this is the year of overly cutesy movies about DIY filmmaking. Be Kind Rewind [TWS review] was the first out of the gate, but it couldn’t elevate itself much beyond it’s fly-arsed premise. Son of Rambow fairs a wee bit better, as it only tackles one homage instead of Gondry’s not so sweet dozen or so sweding fest, but it too is far from perfect. Rambow centers on two misfits growing up in the 80s, a bully and a sheltered kid hailing from a deeply religious family, who strike up an unlikely partnership and eventual friendship (woah, didn’t see that twist coming) by shooting their own take on the Sylvester Stallone classic. There has to be some drama thrown into the mix, so when other schoolmates join the sheltered kid on the set, much to the dismay of the bully, the two begin to drift apart. How it plays out is anyone’s guess, and if yer not really good at guessing, you’ll probably still guess correctly as to how it plays out. Regardless of its predictability, and under-usage of Ed Westwick (Gossip Girl‘s Chuck Bass) in a throw away role as the bully’s brother, the look, feel and vibe of Hammer & Tongs (the dudes who made Hitchhiker’s Guide and Blur’s ‘Coffee & TV’ video)’s second joint will keep you satisfied enuff from shooting an arrow thru yer head with a ramBOW

Family Ties: the minor role of Danny is played by Sam Kubrick-Finney, son of Anya Kubrick, who’s the daughter of Stanley. Here’s a pic of young Danny with his ma [wiki]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Redbelt
Martial Broken Law
Trailers & Mo

David Mamet and mixed martial arts. Doesn’t sound like a match made in heaven on paper, and on film, it’s a match made in limbo, as his latest, Redbelt is a mixed bag of martial artistry. His protagonist, Chiwetel Ejiofor (as always, perfectly chiwing up the scenery) is an honorable teacher of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, who, like mos Mamet characters, gets caught up in some sorta con game that throws him outta his element, and some
how involves Ricky Jay and his real-life wife Rebecca Pidgeon. The con is set up after Ejiofor saves Tim Allen’s life (although we wish he saved the world from any more Santa Clause flicks), and then TA & his Hollywurst cronies coerce him into one of those UFCish tournaments that he’d rather have nothing to do with, cause you see, he’s very honorable, and if we don’t keep reminding you, the film will. The ride to the big dance is swift and striking, like a karate chop to the neck, but as soon as the final showdown begins, this baby turns into some D-grade Jean-Claude Van Damme junk. Enter the ring at your own risk

Off The Street Fighting Men: czech out the Street Sports Jiu Jitsu blog run by Mamet’s own BJJ master, film consultant and bit actor Renato Magno

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

all three flicks open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Standard Operating Procedure
Sure To Abu Ghraib Your Attention
Trailers & Mo

A picture is worth a thousand words, and in the case of the numerous horrific ones taken at Abu Ghraib prison in 2004, it’s impossible to figure out the context of them without hearing the thousands of additional words provided by the people in the photos and those who took them. That’s the task the masterful Errol Morris (Fog of War/Thin Blue Line) has set up for himself, as he’s the latest director to join the ‘this war on terrorism really sucks’ documentary fray. Procedure is a searing investigation that lets five out of the seven ‘bad apple’ indicted soldiers finally have their say (the other two who were not interviewed are still in prison). From a distance, the soldiers are the poster children for everything wrong with the war, but when we examine them close-up, they seem more like victims (especially poor Lynndie England), who were thrown under the bus by our government that would gladly point their fingers at anyone that isn’t themselves. Morris doesn’t assign blame or even exonerate the accused, but he’s raising the right questions in this complex morality tale, where it’s hard to distinguish what’s illegal and what constitutes, wait for it… standard operating procedure. Clocking in at almost two hours, Procedure leaves no stone unturned, and after awhile, it can be a bit tiring, especially with the endless reenactments filling the void of not having any moving pictures. This isn’t as required viewing as No End In Sight is, but if yer looking to take a similar Taxi Ride to the Dark Side, give it a go

He Can’t Quit His Day Job: in order to pay the billz, Morris shoots a lotta commercials

Right Here, Right Now: is there any butter time to break out one of our mos flavorite links… Doing A Lynndie

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Roman De Gare
Ghostwriter’s Recon
Trailers & Mo

Claude Lelouch’s Roman De Gare is a feast for those who love a movie with boundless twists and turns. The double Ts may unfurl at a snail’s pace, but nonetheless, they’re satisfying enough for you to watch the lives of a best selling author (Fanny Ardant), an abandoned woman (Audrey Dana), and a curious stranger (Dominique Pinon, that lil dude in all those Marc Caro/Jean-Pierre Jeunet flicks) intersect. This slow burning treat reminded us a lot of François Ozon’s Swimming Pool, where the lines between fact and fiction were delightfuly blurred. Luckily for us though, De Gare‘s bushless [NSFW]

Body of Work: Lelouch has not only produced a bunch of beautiful films, but a bunch o’ beautiful children as well. Say bonjour to his lil hotties (that we could find snaps of) Salomé, Sarah and Shaya (the last two appear in Roman)

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

both films open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…