Thighs Wide Shut

Don’t worry bout a thing lil Sasha Cohen, my sweet tits breasts anus naked butt thighs nude vagina hot camel toe poon tang clan heroes in a half shell pics (sorry, that’s purely for Googling purposes), Michelle Kwan still blows

BREAKING WIND NEWS!!!
Waffle House to Start Taking Credit Cards [via Brawny Man]
What’s next, horse on Venus?

Bestest actor who isn’t named Joseph Gordon-Levitt, yet has the bestest name: Burn Gorman. Where to catch em if you can: as that guy in Layer Cake and as Kenge and Carboys’ clouseauish clerk Guppy (another bestest name) from BBC’s Bleak House, which sadly will turn my house bleak wheneth it ends this Sunday on PBS. Seriously yo, I know it looks boring and stuff, like most things before 1950, but you should totally Netflix em when they are ready for Netflix. I mean, it don’t got much better than unsung underground secret future super hotness cuttie cute ness pie Carey Mulligan, dudes with crazy facial hair, smallpox, Wedge as John Jarndyce (I may juss have to change my name to Banning Cocq John Jarndyce the IVIIXXICLM of Westphalia), Janine Evans (nee Butcher), a 2006 inductee of the SAG-HOF (Screen Asshole Guild – Hall of Fame), a dude named Smallweed, a dude named Clamb, and GUPPY!!! Charles Dickens may have hated Jews, but he certainly had a way with names! GUPPY!!

Hairparently, they love stealing my snaps of Natty Lite tall boys (from ThighsBart’s B-Day) over there in Persia

All he wants is $2

And anyone else out thar ever wonder what woulda happened had Al Gore become president like he rightfully should of New Coke triumphed in the Cola Wars? Yeah, what if? And what if Theo Ratliff ate out Heathcliff (or that purty kitty Riff Raff used to bang)? Maybe NC pitchman Max Headroom woulda gotten head from Hedda Hopper‘s love child with Glenne Headly and Hedy Lamarr!!

1985 > 2006

[via eBayte]

Water, Sand, & Boobs
A Spankolcious Cold Cut Trio since 1964
and now including HRT the III!!

[spanks for the remind-her Guns n Rosenthal!]

[spanks for the reminder UB!]

& GO ROGER EBERT, for never doing blow!! [audio proof]

& GO ROSSKADOJI, who has returned like Jesus, but with less holes and more adam’s apple!!!

Thigh Mizzle’s
Top Hill-even
Art-ease-its
of Balls Thyme
& why
and my flavorite piece by em

1) Vincent van Gogh

Why?
Cause everytime I van gogh to his museum (6+ times and counting), I pay for the audio tour juss to hear some Dutch woman who sounds like Willard’s mum say these three simple words: ‘The Potato Eaters’. Bonus for being portrayed by Kirk Douglas AND Tim Roth

Which Piece?

The Sower, 1888
Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

2) Edward Hopper

Why?
Cause his paintings make me feel more lonely than Roy Orbison’s ‘Only The Lonely’, and Todd Haynes and countless others totally jacked his stizz for many a beautiful flicks

Which Piece?

Soir Bleu, 1914
Whitney Museum of American Art, New York

3) Salvador Dali

Why?
Cause he collaborated with two of the 20th Century’s entertainment go-liaths, Disney & Hitchcock… although these dynamic duets didn’t turn out the way they should’ve

Which Piece?

Lincoln In Dalivision, 1977
Minami Art Museum, Tokyo

4) Georges Seurat

Why?
Cause Alan Ruck gets the POINTillism, even if he isn’t the true sausage king of Chicago!

Which Piece?

A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, 1884-86
The Art Institute of Chicago

5) Giuseppe Arcimboldo

Why?
Cause he made it safe to play with your food, but not with yer balls

Which Piece?

The Vegetable Gardener, circa 1590
Museo Civico Ala Ponzone, Cremona, Italy

6) Caravaggio

Why?
Cause Tarsem hit gold with his C’vaggio laced vid for REM’s ‘Losing My Religion’ and hit the level of Judy Gold (read: BOO) with The Cell starring J-Ho

Which Piece?

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas, 1601-02
Neues Palais, Potsdam

7) René Magritte

Why?
Cause only he and a nakkid Rene Russo could turn The Thomas Crown Affair into a watchable non-Bond Pierce Brosnan feature! Plus, this is not a pipe, cause it’s a painting of a pipe!!!

Which Piece?

L’Empire des Lumieres, 1954
Peggy Guggenheim Collection, Venice

8) MC Escher

Why?
Cause the world’s first white rapper gets no respect on the East or the West coast, and I’ve NEVER seen one of his works hang in a proper museum, juss numerous college dorm walls

Which Piece?

Waterfall, 1961
National Gallery of Canada

9) Gustav Klimt

Why?
Cause his last name sounds like an Austrian word for vagina and he often shows vagina or BOOBS or BOTH in his work. And it’s not often I throw around the word ‘ornate’, but his shiz is as the hoodlums say, ‘nate, yo!

Which Piece?

Der Beethovenfries, 1901-02
Secession, Vienna

10) Edvard Munch

Why?
Cause he loves to munch on box and his bumblin’ countrymen apparently guard their national treasures with guns made out of balsam wood

Which Piece?

Anxiety, 1894
Munch-museet, Oslo

11) Hieronymus Bosch

Why?
Cause along with his partner Lomb, they cared more about eyes than Ree-Yees and V Eye Whoreshoutski combined! And I bet he was like the Puck of his day, and stuff

Which Piece?

Hell part of The Garden of Earthly Delight triptych, circa 1504
Museo del Prado, Madrid

Han-Solorable mentions: Leonardo da Vinci, Rembrandt van Rijn, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Thomas Hart Benton, Andy Warhol, Fernand Léger, Henri Rousseau, Grant Wood, Roy Lichtenstein, Keith Harring, Jan Vermeer, Paul Signac, Damien Hirst, BOB ROSS(!) and MANY MORE whom I forgots to include

Wurstest
1) Mark Rothko
2) Lucio Fontana
3) both 1 & 2

THIS JUSS IN!!!
– DREAM CUM TRUE: TK Stack Money a go for MNF
– DESTINY CUM TRUE: Maryland offically becomes Garyland
– DRAZZLE CUMMING ON MY LEG: Everytime I look at Meg White and her ‘disco boobs’

Spanks ‘tastic, cause I really need that $10.50 to purchase a grundle hair clipper [NSFW that you should click on even if yer work isn’t safe for things that are not safe for work!]

Wanna know who to bet on in any major sporting event? Be sure to czech in with Bandwagon Boy, the day AFTER

Goonies 2 R’nt good enuff

All work and no play makes HFutureRT Camilla Belle scared shi(r)tless

Stalking Samaire Armstrong at Kinko’s

The Jizzfeld (aka the Ziegfeld) be takin a month of from showing crap to bring the screen’s biggest and brightest back to the biggest and brightest screen, like The Jones trilogy, LOTR, some gay musicals, + MO! [via Tom Wellington, the world’s greatest living actor & AOoF]

Streaking of the Jizzfeld, here’s yer gran’pa-pa’s beat-off matz [SFW]

Phrase that should never hever appear in print hever never hagain: ‘fingering Aaron Neville‘

Hopefully this means he’s spending a wee bit more time on those dreadful Extras scripts

The wurstest Mexican wrestling movie starring Jack Black and directed by the man who brought you Napoleon Dynamite has gots to be Nacho Libre. Thats good news for The Neverending Story III, although it has nothing to do with Jared Hess or Mexican wrestling

Learning never ends: the voice at the beginning of Us3’s ‘Cantaloop’ [d-lode] is that of midget maestro Pee Wee Marquette (think Gary Coleman of the 50s), former doorman turned MC of the famed Birdland, from Art Blakey’s A Night at Birdland, Vol. 1 [stream WMV file]

[snap via MoP]

Biggest Super Bowl Disappointment: Joe Namath did not attempt to hump Suzy Kolber’s leg like it was the ’03

Gheorghe Muresan still haunts the DC haunts

SPiN’s Hottest Significant Other Tournament: Foxy Four

The internets best kept mp3 blazzle secret: Puritan Blister. Doesn’t hurt that I’m a zucker for mash-potato-ups. And thanks to the PB, I’m totally thighing out on my thIghpod to ‘Smells Like Oh My Gosh’ Nirvana vs Basement Jaxx [d-lode]

So den, how do songs get stuck in your head?

How do astronauts go to the bathroom in space? Goo thing freeze-dried ice cream doesn’t give one the runs

X-Entertainment’s Freezer, which aint as Freezy as Freakies

The Mohammed & Christ cartoon that will soon spark the burning and looting of Canadian embassies all up in the Middle East

Not as in-depth as the Borat entry, but czech out Wikipedia’s bit on You’re The Man Now Dog, if yer a man OR dog, man! [via Wananmaker]

Before you DARE enter our ultraFAB Oscar Pool (group name: House of Wax Dat Ass password: neckbeard, $10 to rule them all), you may wanna get a leg up on the competition by peeping the live-action and animated shorts, but only if yer an LAer or an NYer

So that’s what you call that

Eyebrow-Raising Tattoos

Thank you for not pot smoking

Park Slope 2009 according to Freejack… wonder if La Bagel Delight survives?

Japanese Spiderman

Brille-YANT commercial [MaybeNSFW via Fleaski]

And this just in: SIDE BOOBS still RULE!!

This year’s nominees have about as much buzz as Buzz Aldrin headlining this year’s Coachella, aka Zzzzzzzzzzzzz to the nth degree deodorant. But I’ll hold off on the major griping until Walk The Line walks away with anything (can you say 3rd rate La Bamba?). Lettuce juss hope that at this year’s awards, even though the gays will have their day, that boobs will reign supreme!!! And like last year, after taking a super qwik glance at the noms, here are my predications for who WILL win, not SHOULD win (eggscuse my lack of italics):

Best Picture
Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Crash
Good Night, and Good Luck
Munich

WINNER: Humpmyback Mt

Actor
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck.

WINNER: Scotty J from Boogie Nights, for being gay again!

Actress
Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice
Charlize Theron, North Country
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

WINNER: the woman who looks like a man who played a man trying to be a woman

Supporting Actor
George Clooney, Syriana
Matt Dillon, Crash
Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
William Hurt, A History of Violence

WINNER: Cpt Neckbeard (Cloo-less), since he won’t win in the other 2 cats he’s nominated in

Supporting Actress
Amy Adams, Junebug
Catherine Keener, Capote
Frances McDormand, North Country
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain

WINNER: you choose Weiszzzz-ly, although I wouldn’t bee sirprized if Amy Adams won

Director
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Bennett Miller, Capote
Paul Haggis, Crash
George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck
Steven Spielberg, Munich

WINNER: Ang Lee, in a make-up call for The Hulk

Foreign Film
Don’t Tell, Italy
Joyeux Noel, France
Paradise Now, Palestine
Sophie Scholl — The Final Days, Germany
Tsotsi, South Africa.

WINNER: Paradise Now, although Tsotsi is the new Yahtzee

Adapted Screenplay
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain
Dan Futterman, Capote
Jeffrey Caine, The Constant Gardener
Josh Olson, A History of Violence
Tony Kushner and Eric Roth, Munich

WINNER: Tight Jeans, Thight Ass In Mts

Original Screenplay
Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash
George Clooney and Grant Heslov, Good Night, and Good Luck
Woody Allen, Match Point
Noah Baumbach, The Squid and the Whale
Stephen Gaghan, Syriana

WINNER: this is udder BS, since Gaghan shoulda got an adapted s-play nom, not an og nom, but I still hold out hope for Squid & The Whale

Animated Feature Film
Howl’s Moving Castle
Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride
Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

WINNER: who cares, but Howl

Art Direction
Good Night, and Good Luck
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
Pride & Prejudice.

WINNER: Good Night and Zzzzzz

Cinematography
Batman Begins
Brokeback Mountain
Good Night, and Good Luck
Memoirs of a Geisha
The New World.

WINNER: Heath Ledger Loves Man Ass!!

Sound Mixing
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
Walk the Line
War of the Worlds

WINNER: Kong

Sound Editing
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
War of the Worlds

WINNER: Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE

Original Score
Brokeback Mountain, Gustavo Santaolalla
The Constant Gardener, Alberto Iglesias
Memoirs of a Geisha, John Williams
Munich, John Williams
Pride & Prejudice, Dario Marianelli.

WINNER: the dude who came up with that hot arsed ‘Wings’ tune for the gay stuff

Original Song
In the Deep from Crash, Kathleen Bird York and Michael Becker
It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp from Hustle & Flow Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard
Travelin’ Thru from Transamerica, Dolly Parton.

WINNER: ya gotta be kidding me that the Pimp song got a nod!!!! Boobs Parton in a landslide

Costume
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Memoirs of a Geisha
Mrs. Henderson Presents
Pride & Prejudice
Walk the Line

WINNER: GAYsha

Documentary Feature
Darwin’s Nightmare
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
March of the Penguins
Murderball
Street Fight

WINNER: I think Penguins will be this year’s Super Size Me, read: BLAH. Either Enron or Murderball

Documentary (short subject)
The Death of Kevin Carter: Casualty of the Bang Bang Club
God Sleeps in Rwanda
The Mushroom Club
A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin.

WINNER: Gawd sleeps at the Ramada hotel in Rwanda

Film Editing
Cinderella Man
The Constant Gardener
Crash
Munich
Walk the Line

WINNER: Jews Kill: THE MOVIE

Makeup
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Cinderella Man
Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith

WINNER: the one with the Jesus lion

Animated Short Film
Badgered
The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation
The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello
9
One Man Band.

WINNER: Jasper, DUHVS!!

Live Action Short Film
Ausreisser (The Runaway)
Cashback
The Last Farm
Our Time Is Up
Six Shooter

WINNER: Ausererioeooerrss

Visual Effects
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
King Kong
War of the Worlds

WINNER: Dong

Academy Award winners previously announced this year:

Honorary Award (Oscar statuette)
Robert Altman

WINNER: ROBERT ALTMAN!!

The Gordon E. Sawyer award (Oscar statuette)
Gary Demos

WINNER: GARY US BONDS!!!

And although this has nothing to do with Oscars, PEACE THE FORK OUT Coretta Scott King!!

UPDATE:

Join Thighs’ Annual Oscar Pool!!
Group name: House of Wax Dat Ass
Password: neckbeard
$10 entry fee
Winner takes all
contact me for payment shazzle!!
(ps, my entry is ‘Syriana Hinds’)