Thighs Wide Shut

the only reason to be outdoors this summer involved boobs and no one had the foresight or the foreskin to tell us?

centralpark2(b)00(bs)9’s photostream [NSFW]

Topless Women March In Central Park For Right To Bare Breasts [SFW]

GoTopless.org [Safe If You Work At A Nudist Colony]

[bless you Tom Welling: Greatest Actor EV]

Public Enemies
The Touchables
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Tommy guns, riding on the sides of cars and bank robberies rule the day, while hiding out, gettin drizunk and womanizing rule the night in Michael Mann‘s fun, yet not too deep look at the life of John Dillinger (a steady, but unspectacular Johnny Depp), his gangsta cronies (Faramir! Stephen Dorff!!!!!!!! + an electrifying, but little screentimed Stephen Graham as Baby Face Nelson) and the G-men who sought to bring them all down (anyone else getting sick of Christian Bale? + a scene chewing, James Cagney impression spewing Billy Crudup). Mann’s well suited for this job, having made many a memorable gun fight friendly ficks over the past 3 decades, and with a cast overloaded with talent and beauty (Marion Cotillard, John Ortiz (loves him), Branka Katic, Rory Cochrane, Carey Mulligan (loves her, and we lovesed her first!!), Giovanni Ribisi, Emilie de Ravin, Lili Taylor, Shawn Hatosy (he’s like a fake Brad Renfro), Leelee Sobieski & Channing Tatum, juss to name 1/16th of the cast), it’s a catastrophe of the highest order that the film looks like absolute hell. We aint talking about the costumes, hairdos, props or sets, cause they all are flawless, especially since they shot at the real locations, but wees talkin about how the film was shot using HD cameras and not ye olde film stock. That kinda 80s camcorder home video look worked to great effect with his gritty ditties Collateral and Miami Vice, but for a period piece like this, it almos ruined the whole affair. You probably won’t care or notice, but we certainly did, as any scene that included light bulbs or bright outdoor light resulted in a whoreriffic motion blur appearance that completely drove us insane mad batty crazy. Zodiac was also shot in HD, and that’s one of the mos beautiful, warm colored films we’ve ever seen, so what gives? C’mon Mike, next time be a Mann and make yer solid period piece movie look like a movie and not like a solid piece of shit

No Harmon No Foul: there have been several Dillinger related flicks that came before, but none of them sound that memorable, esp the TV one starring Mark Harmon, but we’re quite curious to take a look at John Milius’ 1973 entry, starring Warren Oates as JD + Ben Johnson, Michelle Phillips, Cloris Leachman, Harry Dean Stanton, and Richard Dreyfuss as Baby Face Nelson!!

Verdictgo: despite our moanin & groanin tis still Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Homecoming
A Futile Attraction
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We pity poor Mischa Barton, and it has nothing to do with looking eggszactly like her brother Falkor. She left our beloved OC on her terms, the show fell apart w/o her, and her career fell apart w/o it (somewhere Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows are raised in disappointment). Most of her post-‘California, here we come‘ work has either gone straight to video or should have if it didn’t in the first place. Homecoming is yet another brick in her unwatchable wall that keeps growing by the year. In this amateurish movie, she plays Shelby, a girl stuck in her hometown with a mountain of debt and a mountain of love for her star quarterback ex-boyfriend (Matt Long), who shipped off to college months prior and already shacked up with a 90210 hottie mcgee (Jessica Stroup). Things come to a head, and a bore fest, when the b-friend & his new g-friend come home for… HOMECOMING and Barton thinks she can woo him back into her arms. Obviously that aint happening, and after some unhappy coincidences, Mischa traps her rival in her house, ties her up to a bed and drugs her aplenty. Sounds familiar? Yeah, we liked it too when it was called Misery, and this teen-y version is simply miserable. Sure wish that Annie Wilkes had chopped up the screenwriter of Homecoming to bits before one word of it had ever been put to paper. The only solution we see to turn around Barton’s fleeting career is to call on a voodoo priestess and bring Marissa Cooper back from the dead

Coop de Ill: there were two Marissa Cooper shirts we always wanted to get, but never did. the former Thighmistress got us this one, which always gets us odd looks by passersby (as do our manboobs)

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Died Young, Stayed Pretty
Poster Children
Official Website & Trailer

Posters sell and advertise stuff. Some are used to do just that for bands and their concerts (looky here at GigPosters.com for a ton of em). It’s an art form fo sho and the artists who art them art’nt necessarily swimming in riches and fame. Died Young, Stayed Pretty is a documentary aiming to give ’em some of dat recognition that they deserve, but it’s not nearly as interesting as director Eileen Yaghoobian‘s last name. After about 15 minutes, you get the entire picture, so for the rest of the time you get more of the same: look at this poster, OK, look at 32838 more, OK, now lets talk to the poster designer about designing them, OK, now repeat, repeat and poster, peat, re, designer, talk, poster, things, stuff, is this thing still on?, hey, there’s Frank Kozik, but why are they only talking to him for 8 seconds when he was like the semi-forefather to these poster peoples? repeat, repeat, more posters, chit chat, some wit here and there, even more posters, aiiight, wait, how come they’re only talking about today’s poster makers? what about a lil history, like the dudes in the 60s who started it all, like Milton Glaser? Oh yeah, he has his own separate doc, and peeps like Kozik and many others were dones up in another called American Artifact. So what’s the point of all this dying young and staying pretty? Don’t really know, but we think it has something to do with posters

Poster Haste: outside of movie posters and this set dedicated to Yiddish words, here lie our mos flavorite posters mt EVERest (with much respek to Uncle S & Rosie the R)

Verdictgo: for poster addicts only, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Enemies be already playings at a theater near jews, while Stayed Pretty gets ugly in NY only, and Homecoming will soon be leaving screens in NY, LA and KY?

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

it was the best of times, it was the breast of times. OK, so there weren’t a lot of breasts to be had and fondled on our most recent trip to the ye Olde Country (didn’t happen on the last one 4 years ago neither), but that didn’t stop us from partying like a cockstar and a rockstar and a rollstar, and fulfilling our wildest wet dreams of visiting some of Kubrick’s choice Clockwork locales, and the whole reason why this trip slap-happened in the first place…

Blur
Hyde Park
July 2nd

dat’s right folks. Damon, Alex, Dave and Graham, back together again, like they always should be (all dough we didn’t so mind the Gorillaz and the Good, The Bad & The Queen side projects in the interim), belting out all klissasics in the very park that inspired the song (and album) Parklife

‘She’s So High’
‘Girls & Boys’
‘Tracy Jacks’
‘There’s No Other Way’
‘Jubilee’
‘Badhead’
‘Beetlebum’
‘Out Of Time’
‘Trimm Trabb’
‘Coffee & TV’
‘Tender’
‘Country House’
‘Oily Water’
‘Chemical World’
‘Sunday Sunday’
‘Parklife’ (with Phil Daniels!!)
‘End Of A Century’
‘To The End’
‘This Is A Low’
‘Popscene’
‘Advert’
‘Song 2’
‘Death Of A Party’
‘For Tomorrow’
‘The Universal’

all we can say to that set list to end all set lists is WOW (all dough we had our own set list in mind… see the comment at 16:44… that’s 4:44pm to us and yous, when the concert was first announced back in December), cause we really can’t remember that much else since we were more wasted than an American education, but that matters little cause we danced, like on a wave of emotion, romanced. if yer looking for a more concise wrap up from an American’s point of view, peep the Snob’s review from the show on the 3rd

if only we didn’t drink so much GAYmers pear cider cause maybe our memory wouldn’ta been in such a hazy shade of summer, but irregardless, we’d never take back the 100+ high-fives we give the blokes and the birds and the bees and the bidness

no one had any idea what our shirt meant since they don’t have Mountain Dew over there (or air conditioning or Kleenex or napkins or proper beef or Hispanic people and their fine food). odd looks were probably also had for the dudes sporting the Seahawks, NY football Giants and Phoenix Suns tees + the 2 Mets and the (current ugly) Blue Jays hats

and now for some random pics from the rest of our short and not so strange trip…

sadly no pigs or other animals were harmed in the taking of this curvy pic

people think American food sucks, well try getting a good pizza anywhere outside of the US (or Italy) and then talk to us. OK, so we’ll admit that we did eat Dominos whilst there, but we didn’t trust the English pizzerias for one second. apparently the big style over there is ‘American Hot’, cause you know how all of us crazy folks over here love the combo of hot peppers & ‘roni. hactually, maybe we should cause the Dominos version was quite tasty, but sadly their idea of an XL pizza is our equivalent of a kid’s meal

our English mate was mad pissed at us when we told him that these crumpets are what we refer to as English Muffins, which obviously doesn’t eggist in their neck of the woods. he proceeded to tie us up and throw us in some nooks and crannies and then we told him that their beef sucks and so we were even

the proper fi and chi helped to ease our need for some local ‘good’ cuisine. the mashed peas were delish, juss like yer mom’s crotch. we also had curry twice, and to be honest, it’s juss as good as we have it here. Britain’s bestest foods will always remain thier crisps (potato chips) and chocolate bars (Chomp Bars in particular)

we think this is what they call ‘Japanese food’

that’s right, Dallas is the American home of chicken AND pizza! then again, in NY we have Dallas BBQ, and those two don’t necessarily go hand in hand job with each other, so what does anyone know?

and yes, we even ate at Maccy D’s on the 4th of July, in the very same country we gained our independence from. had no idea wha the fork a Miami Melt was, but had to try it. and even if it didn’t taste like an old Jewish Cuban bottle of sun tan lotion dressed in pastels, it was still purty effin and geeing good. LONG LIVE AMERICA(n food)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we have an American friend living and working over there and he was glad to spend the 4th with another of his kind. and what would ya know, as we strolled in the Heath of Hampstead, we spotted 6 clueless UKers ‘trying’ to play American football, and being Americans, we barged right in and showed them a thing or 7 about our game. we both played QB, and both of us couldn’t get any of them to run a play. we’d be like, take 10 steps and turn around. they kept running beyond 10 steps, and by the time they turned around, they didn’t understand that you had to put your hands out in order to receive the ball. it was like playing with 2 year olds, but we’ve seen 2 year olds play better football then these fellas. but ya know what, good for them for even trying, as most of these pale people on the Isles hate American football and only like soccer cause they hate things that are really cool like endless commercial time outs and punting! it’s kinda sad how soccer is not big back home. it’s even more sad that we have a basketball league that’s called ‘professional’

and
nuttin sez HAPPY 4TH OF JULY quite like seeing Benny Andersson of ABBA fame and his kick ass beard bust out some Swedish jams in the Heath! we only caught 4 songs, but him and his folk group did play ‘I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do’. man, ABBA are truly the forking balls. they really need to reunite, for the sake of their fans, and wear those tight tight tight assed satin outfits, but not for the sake of their balls and ba’ginas

guess since this was a Swedish affair they had to cover up the fact that the meatballs are usually Italian

nope, she wouldn’t let us inspect her carpet to see if it matched the drapes

man, are our arms tired. nice to be back in the States, but England is the effin shaz-natz and if you’ve never been you owe it to yourself to (and if yer in college and can, study abroad there like we did), but don’t expect to eat like we do back here in the land of plenty… of napkins

we want to perez ourselves up against Rosie Jones [NSFW]

Rockstars and Their Parents

I Have a Bad Case of Diarrhea

Top 10 TILFs (Toys I’d Like To . . .)

Mashed in Plastic’s videos [SkinsBlogTweets]

the only thing that could make Jennifer Ellison’s boobs bigger

World’s Coolest Tennis Court

they match any color

famous people w/cats

Reservoir Turtles

toda uma animação

The Hangover
A Hazy Shade of Winners & Losers
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

It’s not a smart comedy, nor a dumb one neither, but it doesn’t really matter at all what kinda comedy it is cause The Hangover is sain and plimple a dang funny movie, and if you’ve been reading our reviews for some time you know how infrequently we use the word ‘funny’ to describe a comedy (dramas and horror flicks are another thang, see Gran Torino & Drag Me To Hell for hilarity ensuing). So kudos to director Todd Phillips (although no kudos for his lame cameo as a guy getting head in an elevator) and writers Jon Lucas and Scott Moore for pulling off this feat, hispecially considering the fact that Phillips’ previous work is overrated tripe (Old School, Road Trip) and the scripters’ not even worth rating (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Four Christmases). Yet it’s not really the writing or direction that makes it work, but the comedic stylings and perfect chemistry between the three leads, pretty boy Bradley Cooper, nerdy boy Ed Helms (and yes, he did indeed get his tooth removed for the movie!) and scruffy-looking nerf herder boy Zach Galifianakis (Justin Bartha‘s the straight man who’s disappearance during his own bachelor party ignites our plot, but he’s barely in it to leave a mark). Our three amigos keep the shenanigans rolling from the get go, all the way til its non-stop LOL ending, which quite honestly, could be one of the most memorable endings to a comedy in quite some time. Eat that Judd Apatow!

There are some things in The Hangover that don’t work at all. Sure, it’s always a pleasure to see Heather Graham‘s breast, but it’s not always a pleasure to watch her act. How many times does she have to play a cheery sex toy? Come to think of it, we’d like to withdraw that question, as we do like to see what her breasts are up to every now and again. How about them promising Iron Mike Tyson bits, as seen/exploited in the trailer? Completely uninspired and moist disappointing of all, flat and unfunny. You’ll enjoy watching this YTMND more than you will his work in the movie. Maybe you won’t, but we fosho did. Regardless, if you want to see Tyson on the big screen, do yerself a big flavor and see Toback’s radiant doc instead. Comedies don’t need to be grounded in reality, but The Hangover motors on realistically for quite awhile. That is until the movie jumps the shark briefly by inserting pointlessly wacky cops that spoil our fun, juss like the overdone ones in Superbad did. And the wurstest offender of all? Dry sourpuss Ken Jeong, poorly playing a prissy gay gangster or something like that, which has instantly put him on the path to earning his second ‘Judd Apatower That Needs To Be Forgotten More Than Sarah Marshall’ trophy at next year’s Thighs Wide Movie Awards. Ken, please, go away. And casting directors, if yer looking for a witty Asian guy, there’s this fellow named John Cho you may have heard of, who’s actually funny… like the rest of this movie, minus all the parts mentioned above. Eat that Judd Apatow! And while yer at it, eat Ken Jeong too!

Galifianakiss of Life: watch Zacky ‘interview’ some choice celebs between two ferns & teach kids about acting

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Downloading Nancy
Baud To The Bone
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Unfortunately this is not a movie about downloading hot nekkid snaps of a girl named Nancy. Not that Nancy (a very fearless Maria Bello) isn’t hottt (remember how she brought it on in that cheerleader oufit?), but she’s not interested in spreading her hotness all up on the internets. She’s a down in the dumps housewife, looking for someone to end her life. Jason Patric answers her posting snatchurally (what, were you eggspecting Tobey Maguire?), but a funny thing happens on the way to getting oneself killed… the two sick puppies find sick happiness in each other’s miseries. This is one tuff love, and such a bleak and twisted little tale that it may qualify for worst date movie of the summer, if not the year. Her oblivious hubby (Rufus Sewell, for once playing the sad sack, instead of a cad baddie), sits at home wondering where the fred funk his wifeykins has gone. Then a knock comes on the door and there’s Patric opening Pandora’s box, telling him that she’s never coming back to him. Watching the two interact, and overact, painful as it may be, is truly a treat to watch, as are Patrick’s nightmarish scenes with Bello. This is quite a first offering from director Johan Renck, and we hope things break outta the bleak house on his second feature, or we might have to cancel the download

Fancy Shmancy: download Nancy…. Grace ringtones!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Cautious Peepers

Séraphine
My Kid Housekeeper Could Paint That
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Séraphine Louis is a foreals person (she has a short Wiki entry to prove it), and her life story about being a frumpy simpleton housekeeper turned divinely inspired floral artist (Yolande Moreau pouring herself, art and soul, into the role), almost reaching minor notoriety in life, with the help of a kind German patron (Ulrich Tukur), but a tad more after death, is so fascinating that it’s rather puzzling why it took so long to make it into a movie. She’s like a female van Gogh, cept she wasn’t crazy enuff to cut off her ear (to spider face), but she was certainly crazy… CRAZY TALENTED… and yes, crazy too. Séraphine’s got enuff issues that she hactually has a subscription. The film, directed by Martin Provost, has the usual stale mise-en-scène trappings of some stuffy drama you might see on Masterpiece Theater, but a flashy artist biopic (with a healthy dose of fiction tossed in to flesh out her story) isn’t really necessary in the Paris countryside of the early 20th century. Apparently the Frenchies agreed as it garnered 7 César Awards. It easily won best supporting croutons in a salad, so why not take a bite. Eat that too Judd Apatow!

The Island That Is Moreau: yo wanna see Yolande NSFW? didn’t think so

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Nancy and Séraphine open today in NY/LA only, while The Hangover hangs out at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…