Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Thursday, February 24

24 Hour Party People

If you've never been to Europe (unlike me who's been running the joint since '98), you really haven't been to Europe. And playing Risk or Axis and Allies doesn't count. I mean, where else is one going to figure out how great we have it here without trekking outside of it? OK, I wouldn't call visiting the Old Country & Pannekoekenland roughing it, but I wouldn't call it Easy Street either. Did you know that napkins and ice cubes are a luxury over there, the way that hot towels at a restaurant are over here? And consider yerself lucky if you walk out of a restroom (aka loo or water closet) without diaper rash after taking a dump. I would have actually welcomed sand paper instead of the stuff they call toilet paper. And don't even get me started on television programming. Sure, they do have 20+ music video channels and some of the channels are commerish free, but doesn't everyone need a break when they're watching hours of snooker or EastEnders? Sounds like a horrible trip, right? Well, it was the eggzact opposite, cept our mighty dollar got me raped at every ATM. I don't think I had partied this hard since the Harding Administration. Instead of going into play-by-play mode, I'm going to take you there thru the magic of pictures (that are SFW). To hell with my bandwidth!! Maybe I will end up hustling for money in Thompkins Square Park after all!

London, England
Great Britain, United Kingdom
Fri the 18th - Mon the 21st of Feb

They use signs
JUST LIKE WE DO!
heathrow airport, terminal 4 is a dumphole
Brits will not hesitate to say 'my word'
if you look right instead of left

Can it be thighmasterly possible that I've been
devoid of this fine eatsiery for almost 7 years?
order anything on a ciabatta
Open up and say YUM!

There aint nothing like throwing down £2.80 in the middle
of the day for beer that tastes great and is MORE filling
finnegan's wake me up before u go go
and don't even think about tipping the bartender!

Despite the warnings...
what? NEWS to me

Me and my chum Paul..
he's in the Jeovah's Witness Relocation Program
continued to make our lungs
blacker than Michael Jackson

On with the touristy crap...

People pray here
it's St Paul's for those who care
I think they call it a 'church',
but don't ask me, I'm Jewish

This is the famed River Thames
quite fishy
His brother's name is Joaquin Thames

This former powerhouse station...
no, not the one on the pink floyd album cover
...now houses fine modern art.
How mod

Trafalgar Square is the eggzact
center of Central London
it IS hip to be square
And is now almost close to
being rat-with-wings free!
Almost, you bastards

Piccadilly Circus is not a circus
or a pickle or a dilly, yo
wow, NEON LIGHTS!!! what will they spank of next?
It's juss like Times Square
where no one speaks English

The roads here have no rhyme or reason
more black cabs than black people
And have curves as sweet
as Monica Bellucci

On with the debauchery...

This perfectly describes what I
became over a 48-hour period
even geezers need eggcitment
If only Mike Skinner was
here to translate that for us

This is what a French person looks like
i didnt check to see if he shaved his underarms
I hear he prefers Freedom Fries to french fries

This is what a typical English fridge contains
geezers need refreshmint
Who doesn't love the gas-o one
gets from the Old El Paso?

My weekend hosts
i heart u both
Leslie (the greatest actress in the world) & Paulos

And my new bestest friends*
a bunch of carlos boozers
*who by now have probably forgotten my name

Why am I so fat
they thought the browns played in cincinnati
Or why are they so darn skinny?

This is what vomit looks like in a urinal
scrambled eggs or my innards?
Men are so cool

And when the pubs close at 10:30
is that the room or my head spinning?
You have no choice but to party
yer balls off at a club

Would you believe that I hung out with
both Kate Hudson AND Rhys Ifans?
for once, i wasnt the most famous person in the room
[Jude Law and the Queen Mum not pictured]

What's Happening Now?
my eyes are red cause i got the devil in me
Good Times & nuttin but

What's next?
this is kate's greatest role since 'Almost Famous'
Get on the table and
we'll point at your crotch!

And there's always time to trim the hedges
most be a south african thang
Especially when yer phil rissottoxed!

I think it's time to call it a night
good thing i snapped this pic, otherwise i thought i saw 12 moons
It's 6AM and I think my brain
gave up on me hours ago

The morning early evening after
the only thing missing from this pic is the corn on the cob
And no, I am not a member of the Lampe family

Amsterdam
Holland/The Netherlands
Disneyland For Adults/The Greatest Place On Earth
Mon the 21st - Tue the 22nd of Feb

Bike to the future
even poor people in america have better bikes than the dutch
Oy vey, that was a horrible pun

Automatisch for the people
what the fuck is a frush?
I gave myself a Dutch Oven while spoeltting

Off to Wagamama's
some might say best, i say BREASTESTESTIST!!!
(which means 'selfish' in Japanese)

This is slightly better than
my mum's matzoh ball soup
the only other bowl i sparked while in the dam
So why again do they not have W'mamas in NYC?

This is where kids get vondelled
i wonder if this font is known as 'Willy Wonka'
aka Neverland Ranch

This place used to be called Hooters
not one mention of wings, legs, thighs, OR breasts!
But I guess they were forced to change the name

Time 1nce again to become a culture vulture...

Off to The Rijksmuseum
for some Dutch Masters
it effin rijks like Rembrandt in here!
And I aint talkin bout blunts neither

Then goghne to Vince's pad for the nth time
only arabic could make his name look ugly
Be sure to get the audio tour and
listen to how the lady sez 'Arles'

And how could one forget one of the world's
best modern art museums, Het Stedelijk
almost more hi-tech than War Games
Even my finger's shadow is handsome

I was too busy to get a hooker
ha, he said 'must'
Otherwise, I might have
had to think such thoughts

The day's winding down
What to do, what to do?
tesla would be proud
Nuff said

The next 4 hours were a total blur, but I think I inhaled a lot of things

When Stroopwafles Attack!
strooooooooooooooooop!!!
Which btw, are the world's most orgasmic snack

And meet up with our random
Dutch fans like Big Daaaaan!!
we speak the same language: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!
Who hadn't scarfed a pannenkoeken since he was a tyke!
I told him that Holland should revoke his citizenship

Ham & Cheese PANCAKE!
eat my dick IHOP
Kosher it is not,
redonkeylonkylicious it is

In any language...
dodelijk is SO 1996
I'm going to die

And they sure love their gummies
Bela would be proud
They even sell Jessicatandyden!

If I had any room left in my stomach
I would have at least had a slice at
ray who?
Which is where NYC pizza started, duhvs!
Lest we forget, my fine city was once called New Amsterdam

And the last pic I took probably looks
a lot like what was in my stomach
mess-a-po-tame-e-a
before I puked my guts out
AND sprained my ankle!

This is where our story ends. I did forget to mention that I watched Shall We Dance on the plane. It was so crapawfullatta that I would have rather given myself 100 minutes worth of lemon swirlies in the lavatory. And what did we learn? EUROPE friggaderio rocks and I still have one of the most limited vocabularies of any blogger in the jiggasphere. Now all we have to do is figure a...

good, i was starting to remember too much


# 24 Hour Party People