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Wednesday, September 13

How Do You Like
These Them Apples?

Hollywoodland
The Dumb of All Fears
Trailer

Take one of Hollywood's mos notoriously BIG unsolved mysteries, add in what could be the career reboot that Ben Affleck desperatley needs, chunnel it in thru the delicate eye of TV/HBO directin maestro Allen Coulter, and what do you get? One of the mos snoozerfic wastes of time and talent I've seen this year. In what shoulda been a complete slam dunk, or at least a 2nd-rate L.A. Confidential, Hollywoodland gets everything so wrong, while lookin so darn right. And for once, Mr Affleck can't be blamed. At times his emulation of the OG man of steel (George Reeves) seems more like an imitation of Edward Herrmann, and the 7 times he played guitar and sang in Spanish was a bit too mas para mi, but the dude does a reputable job nonetheless. Everything else is not so commendable. The main problem is the film's structure. While an investigation into the murders would seem like the best way to tell the story, it's the very thing that bogs down this movie from frame a to frame zzzzzzzzzz. And for once, Adrian Brody can be blamed. We could care less about his private dicking (as his job, and what he does with his penis), his akward nose, or his depressed son with the mos awkward set of ears since Mrs Jumbo gave birth. The filmmakers took a lot of liberties by fictionalizing parts to tell a story, but what they shoulda done was stuck to the non-fict and tell the story. Someone raise Robert Stack from the dead cause only he coulda spun a better unsolved mystery.

Possible Porno Name: Holly Lands Wood

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Auto Focus [trailer/clips]

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous


Half Nelson
Half Empty, Half Full
Trailer

Ryan Gosling is the real deal. His movies may not be, but he elevates the material each time out. As the Jew turned neo-Nazi in The Believer, he made us believe that it was actually a good movie. And sure, every man loves on Rachel McAdams, but can you credit her with the rise in notebook sales after the release of The Notebook? (Actually, word on the street is that McAdams single handedly kept the Trapper Keeper franchise alive.) And 1nce again, with Half Nelson, a mini-mish-mash of half-baked ideas, The Gos rises above the script that he was dealt. A lot has been made of this movie about a high school teacher cum drug addict who forges a bond with one of his students after she discovers his secret, but what they're all really hooraying is Gosling's performance. Sure, Shareeka Epps and Anthony Mackie both pitch in praiseworthy supporting work, but this baby shoulda been titled All Gosling.

Apt MPupil3: 'After The Rain' by NELSON [d]

IMDb Sweeney: yep, that bittie at the end engaged to Gosling's bro is none other than hottie eggstraordinaire Nicole Vicius. And is it me or is Tina Holmes in everything? Apparently not, but she shoukd be and she should always kill people by railing them. Rust in peace NATE FISHER!!

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers


Miami Vice
Edward James Almost Nuttin Like The Real Thang
Trailers

It's a purty safe bet that in this day and age anything Michael Mann outputs is gonna be a great theater eggspeareance. Miami Vice easily continues this tradition, although it's far from heaven. It's hactually a bit of a Debbie Downer that this movie really has squat to do with the OG TV show (we the people demand pastels and Jan Hammer), but ya gotta give the Mann credit for not handing in a turd of a big screen adaptation as is usually the par for the course in Hollywurstland (Starsky & Hutch, S.W.A.T., The Mod Squad, etc al). And like our dearest Uncle Grambo, I too have come to think of Colin Farrell as Super Fucking Best Ever. When he first busted out on the scene as Joel Schumacher's boy, he was thought as more of a heartthrob than a skilled actor, but now the two are thought of in the same breath, even if that breath is a heavy one and usually breathed when the chicks beat off to him

HB-hO's: anyone look fam-meal-yer? Well, if you subscribe to Home Box Office then ells yeah... Deadwood (John Hawkes, Pavel Lychnikoff), The Sopranos (Isaach De Bankolé, Mike Pniewski), Oz (Elizabeth Rodriguez, Barry Shabaka Henley), Six Feet Under (Justin Theroux), Rome (Ciarán Hinds), The Wire (Domenick Lombardozzi) and Entourage (Domenick Lombardozzi). And although no HBOer, whatta bout Mario Ernesto Sánchez? Dude had a role in FIVE TV eps of Miami Vice

Boob Tube: Jan Hammer rox out, Phil Collins feels air, vs Batman, EJ Olmos swims, and the breastest Pepsi ad not starring Hallie Kate Eisenberg

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next time the balcony is clothed...


# How Do You Like
These Them Apples?