Thighs Wide Shut

I wasn’t yankin yer alice in chains folks when I tolds you that meself was gettin an intern for the Thighs. Times are tough and I really need someone to pick up my dry cleaning, scrub the hard to reach places like my grundle, and of course, make me even more power hungry (I plan to annex Russia within the next 2 months). So me scoured all 7 corners of the earth for the breastest possible trung candidate and when I couldn’t find one, I asked my friend Pat O’Brien what qualities he looks for in a intern and he said, ‘Make sure they’re f#$king HOT!‘ At that point, he was dry humping my leg and that really wasn’t helping me to accomplish my goal. So Pat decided to call a dear friend of his and tried to set up a threesome with Betsy and well, you know the rest.

Anywho, I found a kid rummaging thru my trashcan and giving my dog a handjob and decided right on the spot that he was the Golden Child. For those who care, his name is Hardcore Matty. But from this day forward, he will simply be called THIGHS WIDE SLAVE (and I’m his Master… get it?). This is his site, this is his Live Journal, this is His Space, I’d like to get into her space, this is not a Fugazi t-shirt, this is not a love song, this is not a good movie, and this is an animated gif of Thighs Wide Slave:

I gave him an easy 1st task

Take this

And Thighzercise it

The future’s so bright Hardcore Matty
er, um, Thighs Wide Slave,
that we gotta watch Blade!

• Bless the lord, my family, Popeyes Fried Chicken, and Justin. Most importantly Justin, cause he cobbled together this HUMcredible posting re: Kevin Arnold & The Ladies He Could Have Boned Instead of Winnie Cooper. My rusty brain was instantly flooded with many a fond memories I had watching the show and all dem loRvely tween girls who helped me on my way to manhood. I am hispecially spankful for being reminded of one Madeline Adams/Julie Condra, who lasted only 4 episodes, but a lifetime in my left hand. When she was on the show, I wanted to know everything about her, but unfortch Al Gore had yet to invent the internet (if only GWBush had beaten him to the punch with his ‘internets’). Luckily, we do live in an age with the internet(s) and can live out all of our teenage fantasies, like checking to see if Maddy/Jules is still the bee’s keys. And by the looks of this picture, it’s safe to say that she’d make an EGGGGGsalad addition to Thighland’s Royal Palace & Casino.

• It’s official, 24 is headed to PlayStation 2 land! Now we can finally see what it’s like to breathe heavily like Jack Bauer or say a hushed ‘yeah’ juss like our flavorite Tony ‘THE MAN’ Almeida does. Word has it, you can even been Jack’s daughter, AKA HER ROYAL HOTNESS THE BEST. I sure hope that there’s a part of the game where you stand in front of a mirror and masturbate all day. Or maybe they’ll allow you to be Edgar and have an eating contest with Maradona. The pastabilites are endless! [via Dr Falada]

• The cast of the 5th Surreal Life may be it’s finestest yeti: America’s Next Top Model judge Janice Dickinson, Jose Canseco, Pepa of Salt-N, Bronson ‘Balki’ Pincho, Omarosa, Caprice and motorcrosser Carey Hart… although Corey Haim would have been better. I still think either of my ideal casts would still rule the world.

• Lollapalooza to have only one stop, Chicago?

• What’s an LA Lebowski Fest with out the (screen) Dude?

• Peep the new Chem Bros vid for ‘Believe’… it’s almost better than I, Robot… ALMOST!!!

• NYCers: free passes to see The Amityville Horror, starring Van Wilder avec beard.

• Who once auditioned to play James Bond, recently sawed off some of dere fingers, AND is related to both Ralph and Joseph Fiennes? Does Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes ring a bell?

• Agreed.

• ‘Come play with us Danny!‘

• Aryan Justice, THE BABY?!?! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Mambonsai

• World’s longest lecture: 88 hours and four seconds

• Mos freakiest Rachael Ray cartoon image

• Tis never too late to own yer own pair of Buccaneer Zubaz pants!

• Bitched @ Swirth: Yarmulkebra & Rakuten Eagles Bra AND this guy & Keith from The Office

• Liam Gallagher tops man-boob list! And speaking from eggspearance, man boobs RULE!

• Speaking of boobs, I almost posted this ye old pic of Cuthy’s side boob (as seen on UMC), but decided to show off a diff dirty dirty blonde, Jennifer Ellison, who is now the champion of ladies with big boobs.

• The internets is so wonderfullofitself. Case it point: The Pat O’Brien Scoreboard AND LookAtMeAndSayYes.com… they even have a killer tee for sale. [2nd via St Ignacio]

• Lollapalooza to give it the ole college try? [via PSNYC]

• Vincent comes clean about his Gallo’s pole.

• DJ Qualls, former model?

• Sandra Bullock claims she’s still a sex symbol at age 40. Luckily she didn’t claim that she’s a good actress.

• Don’t ask Penelope Cruz to spell ‘Matthew McConaughey’

• Danny Aiello slams’ Kevin Spacey’s unwatchable Beyond The Sea, but not cause it licks turtle’s dingleberries, but cause he hired Bob Hoskins?

• Wanna learn how to succeed in bidness? Be like Jeff Feagles and maybe Plaxico Burress will buy you an outdoor kitchen for your home in Zona. [via Juwanamaker]

• Ben McKenzie Diversifies By Growing A Moustache

• Matt Fielding NOT gay!

• Search Continues For Origin of Finger Found in Wendy’s Chili. I hear Count Rugen and his six fingers are the prime suspects!

• Next on Andy Rooney’s sh#tlist: gas prices

• Stereogum is so darn ‘cheeky’ AND beloved in MapleSyrupLand

• I guess the kids of Hogwarts start smoking alotta pot and following Widespread Panic around the country in the next flick. How else do u eggsplain their hair?

• Confessions of a Prairie Bitch [via retroCRUSH]

• Dynamic Duos of 2005: Kobayashi & Krystal’s AND me & the National Sweet Corn-Eating Championship. [vias Brawny Man]

• Next up for bidding: a servant for one whole year [via Natty Lite]

• The “If Your Name Was An Emo Song… Generator Thingy”. Somewhere Ian MacKaye is unimpressed.

• Finger Twister

• This is probably the biggest load of girlpoo ever featured on the internet and possibly in the world. Myranda Didovic (22) was constipated for little over a week due to I.B.S. when this scene was recorded. [major NSFWness via Fubar Redux]

• Tasteless has a first, middle, and last name and it’s the Shiavo Animated Gif! [via Newbsy]

• The ultimate tribute to Kool-Aid’s pal, Sharkleberry Fin

• Thigh Master still looking for questions, advertisers, but not an intern. Announcement on the last one 4thcummin.

• Coming soon to BetaMax and your pants: Banging To The Oldies w/HRT the II. Eat yer heart out Richard Simmons!! Btw, sweaty shoulders are the new side boobs.

• I want to start something new here where YOU dear readers get to ask ME, yer beloved Lord of The Thighs, questions about anything and everything that’s plaguing yer lil demented minds. And no, this aint some bunk arsed stizz like Ask Thighmaster where I tell you how to cure those grundle herpes you gots, but what I’d like to call ‘Crap For Questions’. Email me yo query and if I answer it on this site, I’ll send you some crap. Simple as that. Right Ben Mc?

• Practical Magic + Ron Burgundy = Bewitched: the trailer. [via Double V]

• She’s no Linda Carter (who makes men harder), but I really do bee leave that Mischa Barton would make a great Wonder Woman. I mean, mos of her body fat is invisible to begin with, which will blend in well with WW’s jet.

• Lohan’s Grandmother sells out.

• Katie found a Holmes in Josh Hartnett’s crotch? Who’s next on her boring boyfriend list, Paul Walker?

• Does PCP turn people into cannibals?

• Now serving at Wendy’s: Chili w/real human fingers! [via Mr Thought]

• What do you get when you cross Mike Tyson’s Punch Out & Breakfast? I dunno, but it goes a lil something like this! [via The Artful Badger]

• Buy the weigh, have you heard these Pat O’Brien saucy voice mails? Word has it that they’s giving Howard Dean’s ‘I Have A Scream’ a run for their funny.

• And I’m proud to say, this is the first animated gif I have ever created. WATCH OUT WORLD! With this and my other UMcredible Photoshopping skillz, I’m a true Jackass of all trades and a master debater of none. Betsy’s so jealous…

• Apparently it wasn’t Vince Gallo’s knob that gots vacuumed in The Brown Bunny by Chloe Smellingny, but some dude named Jacob Christner. Snot only that, but said dude has yet to be paid for his ‘work’. I did some sleuthin’ and to yer left, methinks this is what J-Christner looks like (here’s another pic) [via]. I don’t know what’s worser: sucking that guy’s kak or being pleasured by Chloe Uglyevny.

• The Shop Le Products, of NYC, has dug up the first single ‘Feel Good Inc’ (WIN or REAL) off of the Gorillaz 4thcumin cd, Demon Days. Since that and ‘Dirty Harry’ are money to my ears, there is no doubt in my resin drenched mind that this is going to be the album of the year of the Rooster.

• The O.C. gots picked up for a third season. What storylines lie ahead in our future? I’d like to see Summer get hit by a bus, Caleb impregnating an alien, Sandy getting his brows plucked, or the pen(is)ultimate: Marissa and Kirsten Nichols Cohen gettin all into carpets and the munching of them.

• How Not To Win Friends In Hollywood, by Lindsay Lohan

• Warm it up Kris. I’m about to.

• Zzzzzzz, part 4

• This guy is a real genius. Not to be confused with Lazlo from Real Genius. [via City RagDoll]

• Last noche I was dragged to the Black Crowes show at Hammerstein by my Naptown buddy Private Richard, and to my sirprize, I had a smashingly good time. I was suppose to see them play with Oasis at RCMH years ago, but no thanks to Duncan Hines (long story), I had to leave the show early. Anywho, they sounded franztastic. Sure, I haven’t listened to anything new since the days of ‘Remedy’, but I felt like I knew every single song they was playin’. Plus it didn’t hurt that I kept ogling Kate Hudson the whole night and thinking about her awful choices in filmdom. Raising Helen anyone?

• Making a rhombicosidodecahedron

• Pet Pillows

• How to really confuse your party guests [via Core-Vette]

• Need a reason to be hatin’ on Christians? Who else would make YESsica Alba feel ashamed for having such a killer’s hot fussy body. It’s so curvaceous and blogvacious that they should canonize her like St Cuthbert. Speaking of, although Alba’s bum (Album) ruffles my bag of Ruffles, I want to make it purrrfectly clear that HRT the II is still the uncontested Queen of Thighland and my heart.