Thighs Wide Shut

The Quiet
Coming Thru (My Pants) Loud And Clear
Trailer

There are only two ways I can objectively review this movie: Han Is Lee and Len Biased. And you my lucky (reuben) drones, will be treated to both

Sexual abuse within a family never makes for the mos popcorn pleasing cinema, yet The Quiet, director Jamie Babbit‘s follow up to her quirky But I’m a Cheerleader, is a pleasure to watch. Me not saying that I get my kicks outta watching a father molest her daughter to the point of her wanting to kill him, but what I is saying is that all the players involved are so darn convincing that I could overlook the student-filmish feel and pacing of the entire picture. Hell, this thing had ‘straight-to-video’ written all over it, but since it stars the hotliest screen duo of the aughts, Cuthbest/Bellebest, and not Justin Timberlake, it has a chance to strike a chord with a wide audience. And I sure hope it does. While there’s much to commend about the mannered performances of Martin Donovan, Edie Falco, and of course, one of the brightest and mos eyebrowlicious stars around, Her Eternal Royal Thighness, the real props deleon have gotta go to HRT the II, Elisha Cuthies Cuthsplurt Cuthbert. Best know for being the clueless daughter of Jack Bauer, who has been chased by everything from bears to Johnny Chase, and for her mad blue-balling of audiences everywhere in The Girl Next Door, Ms Cuthbert really hasn’t had a chance to show her true talents, outside of those who’ve seen Lucky Girl/My Daughter’s Secret Life (I’m spanking in yer direction BlogFather). As the abused and damaged gooded daughter in The Quiet, Cuthie goes the extra mile here and truly has earned the right to be called something a lil more important than a fine piece of a$$. If I’m not mistaken, I believe the industry calls such a thing an ‘actress’.

Dude, Barbara Fiorentino and Rebecca Mangieri should not only receive honorary Oscars, but the key to every Scottish city that has a loch (get it?), a parade across the entire surface of Mars complete with Shriner escorts, and the right to take a dump in any men’s bathroom they please. Why? Well, as casting directors for The Quiet, one can only a$$ zoom that these two were responsible for the mos splooge-tastic screen pairing since a bottle of champagne met with Denise Richards’ bosoms [NSFW, duhvs]: Cuthlisha Bellmilla. OH MAI FORKING LORD O MIGHTY MOUSE! Even though the two don’t lick each other, share a bath, help each other shower, help each other shave, help each other apply lotion, Cool-Whip, or WD-40 to their respective bodies, the screen sizzles whenever the two occupy the same frame. There was one shot in pardickular where the two are lying on a bed together, fully clothed, and I turned to Tom Wellington, the greatest living actor and Pat O’Brien remixer in the world, and said, ‘this is what heaven looks like.’ Juss think of it as the ultimate tease. While there’s so much dark matter being displayed on the screen, the viewer/splooger is left to create his (no ‘her’ here, unless ‘her’ licksalottapuss) own light splatter when they get home from the theater. While some may see that as a disappointment, you gotta give these young girls credit for keeping their clothes on. Cause once they head down the nekkid road, there’s no mystery left and therefore no man needs to see a movie with them in it ever again. And to make yer splatters wurst, the only yammy yams one gets to see belong to Edie Falco. I haven’t seen such sloppy jalopies like dat since Edith Wharton took her top off at that Who concert! Did I mention that when Cuthbust is not being molested by her father (and if you were her father, wouldn’t you…) she’s probably wearing a cheerleading outfit? You can’t spell ‘actress’ without ‘ass’, as in piece of. YOWZAAAAAAAA!!!

Possible Porno Name: Quite The Tit

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Woodsman [Review | Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Quiet’ by The Smashing Pumpkins [d]

IMDb Sweeney: I’m all aboard the Babbit train, hispecially if she keeps lining up the hotties. Her next pic, Itty Bitty Titty Committee, stars the Diet Coke-Starry Eyed Sirprize beaut Nicole Vicius (see bottom of posting)

Han Is Lee John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Len Biased John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): dude, do u even have to ask? Four Breasts In Show

The Quiet opens in NYC/LA this Friday
& st elsewhere st whenever

until next time the balcony is clothed…

..and hopefully next time Camish Cuthbelle will be nekkid

[Po Boy]

[Korean Mel ‘Charlie’ Gibson]

[Kramer vs Himself]

[BJNewmszzz]

[Pakula Shaker]

and oh, to get cha thru the weekend
here’s one of many clips
from the upcoming
splooge-o-rama fest
aka The Quiet
featuring three of my mos flavorite thangs:
Cuthbest
Bellebest
and movie theaters

F%cking Nazi and his museum that I’d like to POOP on

F$cking Nazis who’d I poop on [NSFW]

Mel Gibson, f#cking Nazi who should have poo thrown on him if he’s the keynote speaker at Yom Kippur

Italia GQ‘s Top(less) 125 [NSFW via GM]

tons o’ Keeley, non-soaking wet edish [NSFW]

seamless snaps

The Nike McFly commercial

Inconceivable

and the gayest opening with the gayest song to the gayest movie starring the gayest Guttenberg mt everest…

a far ways away from Are We There Yet?: Ice Cube, the next pimp behind the Gorillaz wheel? Speaking of the next album, are we there yet?

it’s hard to stay alive when u loathe surnames: Mako peaces the fudgie the whale out

soon to be Don’tUseMyComputer.com: donate now biznicheszz!!

three words for Cuthslpurt: sassy, modest, and 69(0)

the reason Gawd invented H₂0: Darren Aronofsky’s The Fountain

speaks the truth ruth: Orrin Hatch, natch!

way to save D Housewhores from The Nothing: sign Falkor’s sister up

Michael Jackson loses again: The Streets to release 20 minute Guinness World Record breakin music vid

the story behind those gravity-defying breasts: NSFKeeley

things to do in ’07 besides yer mother: figure out how to fly into Preston, Idaho, which is home to the Napoleon Dynamite Festival [Teen Wolff]

question I really needed answered cause I need to know how dirty my a$$ is for including her in the 1st edish of The Fap Five: how old is Emma Rigby who plays Hannah Ashworth in hollyoaks?

Chowdaheads turns 1: and the fun has juss beguns!

bestest internerd use of a Star Trek 4 ref: DoubleDumbAsOnYou.com

never get lost on the way to the Texas Cheesecake Depository again: Guide To Springfield USA [My Man Marvkus]

the truth can now be told about the yak population in Lake Lillian, Minnesota: Why are rebate checks drawn on obscure banks in the middle of nowhere?

they get their game on, yet no game for the gamiest game movie of balls thyme The Wizard?: The Electric Playground

Famicom-edy: this dude and his collection of 10,000 to 15,000 Nintendo thingies

juss in case you didn’t f&cking see it: The Big Lebowski – F&cking Short Version

potty mouthed: animated tigers teach yer kids how to poo!

NSFW: milk & cookies dookies

and

[tracklisting & full NSFWness here]

Superman Returns
A Lotta Highs & Lois
Trailers

My eggsectations for Supe’s return were lower than drinking a Lowenbrau mixed with Sweet n Low while watching Sweet & Lowdown on the DL in Australia. I know, that’s purty low, but what is one to think when all the recent superhero movies have been nothing short of recent Martin Short debacles? Well, with the bar set lower than JFKJr’s bar exam scores, it would either play out hexactly as I imagined or have nowhere to go but up, up, and AWAY!!! And while not nearly as great as the first two Donner kebabs joints, although it tries real hard at emulating both, it does help to ease the pain that was # III (aka Richard Pryor skies down a building) & IV (aka Mariel Hemingway’s quest for a piece of a$$). Hell, this is Bryan Singer’s bestest flick since Apt Pupil The Usual Suspects.

My real pre-flick suspicion for suspect sussing all came from the movie’s principle casting. Routh mouth? The dypoopic duo from ’04’s Death to Smoochy Award recipent? NO CUTHBEST? How would this ever work? Well beyond the sea, and beyond belief!! Routh filled the red boots to a T, unlike Hayden Christensen, who filled the black boots with a big fat F. Kevin Spacey, who coulda easily baked a hammy ham as Lex Luthor, dials up a D for delicious… with much help from Parker Posey, flubs course. And the Boosworth? Enuff goodness for me to think that casting Cuthbest woulda been a huge mistake. Yep, she done good. So done good that I am OFFICALLY LIFTING MY JIHAD/FATWA AGAINST KATE BOSWORTH. Yep, no more boosworths coming from my fingers (unlike her on and offer Orlando Boo who’s perma on my shitlist). I mean, how could one lash out against the only real JOable Lois? And if any of you admit to JOing to Margot, I’d say that u’d be Kiddering me! (+ everyone knows that Karen Allen woulda made for a great lates 70s LL). But my flav outta the newbies? Sam Huntington‘s Tucker Carlsoned Jimmy Olsen. Dude’s probably already gottsen more a$$ than Marc McClure has in his entire life.

Recommended for those who like: Roger O Thornhill’s train bang, Robert Baccalieri Jr‘s hobby, and the faux Nikita

Possible Porno Name: Superman Returns The Favor With A Rusty Trombone

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Max Fleischer’s Superman cartoons [YouTubeness]

Apt MPupil3: ladell betts you couldn’t see these ones a cummin… ‘Jimmy Olsen’s Blues’ by The Spin Doctors [d] or ‘Superman’ by REM [d] or ‘Somebody Save Me’ by Remy Zero [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Lex’ sugar mommy, Noel Neill, played Lois Lane is the ye olde Superman TV shows as well Lois’ young mum in the 1978 Superman movie. Also, Bo the bartender, Jack Larson, played Jimmy Olsen in the same George Reeves’ joints as NN

This Weak’s Cosine of the Apocalypse: Kumar gets his comeuppance in Van Wilder 2: Rise of the Taj. If we count our lucky stars, maybe it’ll open the same weekend as Evan Almighty

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth All The Mr Peepers

What, you want a second opinion? We don’t normally do this, but what here at Thighs is normally? We’re anormally. So we got our collaborator, chief blesser, and super Supes fan Tom Wellington to throw his 3 cents in (possible spoliers)…

why is it that the moments in that movie that
moved me the most were
the moments that were direct references from my childhood
the titles zooming like they did
the way superman flies off at the end
exactly like the end of part 2
wtf?
i mean
the movie was good
i really enjoyed it
and i’m completely gay for brandon routh
but really
lois lane has no ass and small tits
erica durance is WAY FUCKING BETTER
okay okay
the scene with the plane crashing that you see in the trailer
that’s great
really and truly great
but it’s sort of like a lousy lay with a great
looking partner
they blow their load way too soon
then you’re left cuddling
cuddling with a great
looking partner mind you
but really
wtf?
after that
…
we learn that kumar is a real dick when not stoned
and…
oh yeah
s-dude is bullet proof
EVEN IN THE EYE!!!!
who would have thought!!!!
okay…
and also…
hmmm….
the kid
who should have been played by THE KID
okay
there was that
and….
oh
by the way
thank you bryan singer for
making me explain
where babies come from
to my 7 year old
so the kid made sense
thanks
okay
what else….
new suit
yeah
new suit
and…
okay
whatever
it was all really well done
but
why did s-dude leave
what was the big secret?
ohhh
the filmmakers are keeping that a big secret
what could it be?
ohhe…
ummm…
went home because somebody saw
something in the sky
but it was for no reason and nothing was learned
and what was learned
had no philosophical impact on the plot or anyone
on earth at all
including s-guy!
and don’t tell me that it made
him realize that
he’s the last one of his kind
and now he’s got to stay here
we all knew that in 1978
and if it had some effect on him
it sure didn’t
change anything he did AT ALL
oh
we do know that ma kent is not nearly as much a
MILF as the WB would
have us believe
okay
and the end…
the end went on FOR FUCKING EVER
they should have ended the movie with s-dude in
the stadium and lois unconscious
but i did enjoy it
but it’s been all of one day since i saw it and
it’s already receding
to the part of my brain where i keep
the second MATRIX movie
and
CROP CIRCLES: SIGNS FROM SPACE?