Thighs Wide Shut

Twitter may not be for you, but let we tell you believers-non out there, Twitter rulez. sure, we dream daily about receiving HJs at the hand of the NSFW friendly/lovely Diora Baird, but those are juss crack pipe dreams that will never become a reality… or will they?

spanks to Twitter, we gave her tweet props (she’s really funny on top of being wicked hotttt), she read said props, and 15 minutes slater hactually expressed her gratitude in return, and left the door open (and left our pants down) for future misadventures. anything is possible! our future’s so bright that we gotta wear shades!! we’d like to see anyone try and get that to happen with a fax or telegraph machine!! eat it you pseudo-Mennonites! we predict that Ms B & us will be the very first couple of Twitter. we’re gonna ask Rainn Wilson to ad-minister the wedding ceremony, Neil Diamond to perform at the party, and let our good friends Seth Meyers, Ethan Suplee, Joel Stein, and Yakov Smirnoff say a few words before we depart on a life together filled with HJs!! HJs!!!!!

UPDATE!!!

SHE SAID YES(????)!!!!

pee es – The Bard’s Tale on Apple IIe totally kicked glass!!

Star Trek
Spock & Awe
(sorry, but had to steal that one)
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Move over Arnel Pineda cause wunderkind J.J. Abrams has assembled the single greatestist tribute act known to man (+ other bonus cast and crew members) with his spankin brand new Star Trek, which has gots to be the coolest, hippestest, funnestistest Star Trek adventure of balls thyme. Not that we’re sexperts in all things Trek, since we’ve only seen (and truly madly deeply loved) the IVth movie with the whales, a handful of Next Gen eps and that Kaaaaaaahn!!! clip that’s all up and down YTMND, but we knows and loves solid entertainments when we see it, juss like knowing and loving a solid bowel movement when we shat it. Obviously there wouldn’t be a dazzlin nouveau Star Trek w/o the original gangster version, so Abrams and Co have gone to great lengths to preserve that what is holy, as well as boldly going above and beyond where they went before. They say you can never go home again, and for George Lucas and Steven Spielberg (but mostly Lucas) they maybe should have never gone home again. Abrams, however, doesn’t have the last name Roddenberry, so thankfully he didn’t have to carry that torch, and was allowed to light his own. Gawd bless you Paramount Pictures!

This Star Trek takes us back to the beginning, when Kirk was born, Spock was mocked, Winona Ryder was his human MILF and the Enterprise was juss startin to be enterprising with the help of the always helpful Bruce Greenwood. Large shoes had to be filled all around, and the new crew comfortably walk many a star logs in the old ones’ kicks: Chris Pine is moist fine as Capt JT Kirk; Zachary Quinto lives long and prospers as Leonard Nimoy‘s Spock, but as an angrier version (bonus points for casting Nimoyish doppelganger Ben Cross as his papa), Zoe Saldana makes hearts and pants melt as Uhura (see below); John Cho doesn’t chew up scenery, as he shouldn’t, as Sulu; Englishmen Simon Pegg peggs the Scottish accent and humor as Scotty; Anton Yelchin (blows in general) bures as Pavel… Chekov; and lastly, but bestly, Rohan Rider Karl Urban is the real effin McCoy as Dr Bones dammit! The plot is a lil paper thin (and maybe a tad too hazy, with all the confusing time traveling shiz, and the Hoth scene with the Starship Troopers alien beast), but since this is more of a re-introduction piece, and one that works so well, it’s hard to get upset about anything, including, but not limited to Eric Bana‘s baddie character’s limited screen time. We think he hates Spock or something and wants revenge like the horse I Want Revenge, although he scratched in the Derby, so he didn’t get revenge on any horse, but Bana does, but not on horses and not nearly as good as the revenge he gots when he fake played a Jew in Munich and totally kicked terrorist a$$ in the name of the Lord. Anywho, this new Trek totally nails it for diehards and livesofts alike, and will have us all thirsting for more in the years to come. So set yer phasers to fun and beam thyne self to a theater!

Outta This World: is there anyone named Zoe that isn’t hot?

+ her green Orion Star Fleet Academy roomie
who turned out not to be Diora Baird, but
Rachel Nichols (no, not the ESPN one)

who will mix bidness with leather
as Scarlett in this summer’s GI Joe

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Star Trek opens tomorrow (yes, on a Thursday)
at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Adventureland
Fun & Games Games Games Games Games!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Hot on the heels of Superbad director Greg Mottola strikes back with Adventureland, a more personal film that’s funnier, heartfeltier, and an all around more realistic tale of growing up pains than that overrated McLovin fest could and ever will be. And whatever you do, peas toss aside all preconceived notions that you may have created from that misleading trailer goings around. It makes it look like the dopiest dope fest this side of a NORML rally. In a sweaty 80s summer past, Mottola worked at Long Island’s Adventureland (Pittsburgh’s 111 year old Kennywood stands in its place for the film) and had the time of his life. He channels them times and his life into Pepsi girl‘s brother Jesse Eisenberg (The Squid & The Whaler is brilliant as usual), who reluctantly takes a job at a theme park before heading off to graduate school in the fall. What he experiences over the next few months will be a greater life lesson than any higher education institute could provide. There’s a not so simple romance (with Kristen Stewart, who’s growing on us with every movie), a not so simple mentorship (Ryan Reynolds, being more low-key than usual), the occasional fist to the testicles (thanks to Matt Bush, currently seen on numerous AT&T commercials) and BFF forming (Freaks & Geeks‘ Martin Starr, who deserves more work than all those other Apatowner kids making the rounds), all under the not so watchful eyes of two wacky bosses (Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig). We haven’t had this much fun at an amusement park since Navin R Johnson wanted to guess our weight so we could win some crap. So whatter you waiting for, cause this film has no height requirement for pure enjoyment. Plus we know yer dying to see what Ron Howard’s other (not as attractive as Bryce Dallas) daughter Paige is all about in her film debut (Mottola was an extra in Ron’s Gung Ho)!

Adventureland Ho!: Margarita Levieva plays Adventureland‘s resident heartdongthrob Lisa P. guess the P stands for Purrrrrrrrfect

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Sugar
Almos PITCH Perfect
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The team that gave us the jarring Half Nelson (Ryan Fleck & Anna Boden) fully take on the tale of a Dominican with American béisbol big league dreams in their bittersweet (sorry, had to use the pun) Sugar. Sugar is the nickname of our hero pitcher Miguel Santos (Algenis Perez Soto, making a stunning debut), a boy from an impoverished town who wants to make his friends proud and boku bucks to send home to his family. After rigorous training in technique and key English words (like ‘line drive’) at a Caribbean baseball academy (with consultation on and off screen from former Big Redder José Rijo), Sugar gets selected to play for a minor league ball squad in bumf&ck Iowa. There he lives with a devout old couple who love themselves their church and the ballplayers they house. Strict house rules are posted, language barriers can’t be broken, and mild hilarity ensues. At first Sugar’s totally rocking it with his killah arm, and with his heart, as he takes a liking to the old couple’s winsome granddaughter (see ‘aField’ below), but things in life don’t always turn out the way we want them to. How the story progresses from here turns out to be a lot less predictable than one might think and the harsh realities it presents is one of the main reasons why this is quite a special film, for fans of America’s pastime (that’s well past its time) or nonfans alike. Batter up!

Further aField: Ellary Porterfield could easily pass as another daughter of Ron Howard’s, more akin to Bryce Dallas, and not like Paige (fythghs- there are also a set of Howard twin girls running around out there somewhere)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Paris 36 (Faubourg 36)
Stage Right, More Than Stage Wrong
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

It’s 1936, and on the outskirts of Paris (we smell a title somewhere in here) the working class folks pass the hard times with the smiles generated at their local theater called the Chansonia. Then one day it closes and the folks’ hard times g
et hardier and timerier. Longtime stangehand Pigol (Gérard Jugnot) is now jobless, and hopeless that he’ll ever get the chance to take his beloved accordion playing son to the sea. The kid gets taken away and Pigol jumps back into the only world he knows, the theater. With the help of a Rupert Pupkinesque comedian, a rough and tough ruffian tuffian, and an undiscovered starlet (see ’69’ below) the four revive the gay old thymes by opening the curtains again. There’s some curious political shiz running in the background, and it only helps to sharpen the film’s colorful palette. It’s like Cabaret, with less sexiness and more mustaches. No one can make schmaltzy sentimental cinema fly high quite like the French cancan. It’s in their blood, and we’re suckers for it. Paris 36 flies high and the fromage is as light as a feather, and we got suckered into the show that must go on

Paris 69: Nora Arnezeder is a niiiice

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gigantic
Undersized
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

While Parker Posey is away, loopy-cutie Zooey Deschanel shall and should play… the role of independent cinema ingénue supreme. She’s been frequenting mainstream fair for awhile, but she never comes off as mainstream. Maybe that’s why she was a perfect choice to be the Yes Man‘s breath of fresh air woman and such a poor choice to play a breath of stale air wife in The Happening. Then again, The Happening was a poor choice for a movie. Deschanel is right at home in the mini Gigantic, a trifle that doesn’t really go anywhere, but it’s hard to turn off the charm des chanel. Desch plays the love interest to buttoned-up matress selling soon to be Chinese girl adopting while periodically attacked by a homeless guy Paul Dano, but their love isn’t all that interesting. What is interesting is how much Zooey reminds us of Paul’s real life paramour Zoe Kazan. So much so that this is the third time we’ve mentioned the Zoe-y comparison. We’re not so secretly dying for the two lovely ladies to pair up in a movie. We’re thinking a reimagining of Salinger’s Franny & Zooey, called Zoe & Zooey Go To The Zoo In Kalamazoo. It could also star Gigantic‘s Ed Asner and John Goodman, and feature a three way between the Zs and me. We’re hoping that it would cause such an uproar that JD would come out of hiding and sell us one of his jars of urine

Gigantism: looking for sumtang a bit bigger? czech out Pixies covers by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova or Sheldon Williams = Ken Griffey Jr. on Nerve Tonic

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Alien Trespass
Take A Pass
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A 50s alien invasion sci-fi flick send-up is a rather nifty idea (although most didn’t seem to think so when applied to Indiana Jones’ world), and Alien Trespass certainly gives it the olde college try, so why then does it feel more like an olde elementary school try? It looks and feels right, the dialog is oh so corny (Eric McCormack does particularly well here, in the very first thing we’ve ever seen him in), and the Kang & Kodos one-eyed trespassers were actually kinda creepy, but there’s juss something that aint right. It’s not funny enuff to be a good parody nor amusing enuff to make this more than a rental, and to be purffectly honest, who wants to pay money to see Kevin Arnold’s dad be angry and yell at people, for the jillionth time in his career? Dunno, maybe peeps who still feel jilted by the lame Ice Cube/Ice-T shoot-em down Trespass, which was co-written by Robert Zemeckis no less!

A Baird’s Tale: Jenni Baird is aiiight, but we’ll stick to explora-ing Diora

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Sugar, Paris, Gigantic, and Trespass all open today in limited release, while Adventureland opens at a theater near Jews

Eggiwegs! I would like… to smash them!

[b3ta]

peabsviously on our thighs:

Wanna Hear A Good Yolk?

and not related, but

Star Trek does the impossible by making Diora Baird look 288 (too gross)

trailer trash rehash

we wanna take an April shower with Jennifer Ellison

Walter Sobchak is Topps! [M-Tram Station]

Tentacle Grape [Ross K Doji]

Notorious
Revisiting The B.I.G.sty
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

To some (including thighselves), hearing the title Notorious will always conjure up images of Cary Grant outwitting Nazis in South America while winning the love of Ingrid Bergman, and for everyone else w/o an appreciation for one the Master of Suspense’s bestest films from his early Hollywood period (or who aint a fan of Duran Duran), it will apply to the film about the short but very productive life of one Christopher Wallace, aka Biggie Smalls, aka Big Poppa, aka The Notorious B.I.G. That life included ushering in NY’s hip-hop’s renaissance in the early 90s, battling wits and much more with West Coaster Tupac, and winning the love of millions and many women along the way. As a true life story, no one can touch the mystery and intrigue of Biggie’s, but as a movie, Cary Grant and co. will retain the rights as the mos notorious Notorious movie for all eternity (although both of them have nothing on Gretchen Mol’s thighopening performance in The Notorious Bettie Page). Not to say that hip-hop’s first biopic isn’t a crowd pleasing, hand swaying and head boppin’ night at the movies, cause it certainly is, but had this by the numbers recount (purty much devoid of the mystery and intrigue) been helmed by someone with a lil more sensitivity and a dash mo flash and class than what George Tillman Jr. handed in, then this trip down Biggie’s Bed-Sty memory lane coulda ended up a lil more memorable, something along the lines of Ray

Notorious goes down easy like drinking Gatorade, thanks in large part to the creditable acting performances by a bunch of nobodies, outside of Derek Luke, who puts a bit of humility into Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs, a man who couldn’t find humility even if he was looking at a dictionary that only contained the word ‘humility’. Jamal Woolard (aka Gravy)’s struttin and rhyme flippin in his embodiment of B.I.G.’s big body is dead-on (poor choice of a pun, but then again all of our puns are usually a poor choice), and you don’t even think for a second that he’s acting. It’s comes off as being completely natural, as is the work of Biggie’s actual son Christopher Jordan Wallace (who plays the young version of his poppa), Naturi Naughton (getting dirty and being dirty as Lil Kim) and Antonique Smith (keeping the Faith Evans). The ensemble effectively show us this Notorious figure’s life and times, but the film as a whole doesn’t necessarily breathe any new life after his death

Walk A Mile In His B.I.G. Shoes: TONY mag has created a DIY walking tour of Biggie’s old haunts in Bed-Sty

Naughty Naughton: yum, you is

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Defiance
Don’t Bother With These Brothers In Arms Way
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Here we go again with Edward Zwick‘s big camera and big lessons following the unyielding will of the underdog round the globe, past or present. It worked like a gangbusters gangbang with his Glory and Legends of the Fall, but every similar flick he’s made since then is heavier on the guts than the glory. The Last Samurai and Blood Diamond were both big and bold, but boorish and cold juss the same. Defiance falls in line with those last two, which makes this historical drama that partially covers the time line of the brothers Bielski (Daniel Craig, Liev Schreiber, and Billy Elliot) and their forest dwelling group of WWII Jewish freedom fighters (which led our friend to quip that this movie shoulda been called The Swiss Family Epstein) a crying defying shame. Zwick can’t decide if he wants his film to be as sobering as Schindler’s List or a Nazi shoot-em up fun fest like The Dirty Dozen. We couldn’t decide on whether to commend the actors for speaking in a poor quasi-Russian accent or to laff at em for trying the entire time. The only thing you need need to decide is to wait for the DVD, or don’t even bother and juss rewatch Munich, a much better Jews killing Jew-haters flick

Young Guns IIII: twas nice to see In Treatment‘s Mia Wasikowska on the big screen before she gets even bigger by playing Alice in Tim Butron’s Alice in Wonderland in 2010, but we wanna give a widethighs shout out to the fourth Bielski bro, played with bright eyes and an endless blank stare by lil George MacKay. This kid looks eggzactly like a young Roman Polanski, and w
e urge anyone who may be cinematically telling Polanksi’s life story, to let him be the not so noble Roman. And while we’re at it, let NSFWer Diora Baird play his slain wife Sharon Tate, Michelle Williams play Mia Farrow, Christian Slater play Jack and Bob Odenkirk play Charles Manson

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Notorious and Defiance are currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…