we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2018

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Fifteenie Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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Thing In A Movie That Was Lame-r Than Your Mom

that there’s a bad guy named after overpriced water

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Thing In A Movie From Another Movie That MOV(i)ED Me

I wasn’t ready and overlooked how amazing the Overlook Hotel shined in Ready Player One

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The 9th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of Please Go Away You Annoy The Living Poop Out of Me Over-Acting Actor Award

Lin-Manual-Miranda’s blimey as I live and breathe attitude as a character that doesn’t matter whatsoever in Mary Poppinz

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

 

Eric Roberts

who had SIXTEEN ‘films’ released in 2018!!

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Gifs of the Gawds

they call him MISTER Rogers

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – this lady be DAMN fine award!!

+

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Kiera Bell

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Hairing Is Caring 

Brian May & The Men of The Favourite
have the same hair!

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KFC Sucks, Except For This One Time

stereotypes are stereo-typical
BUT WORK FINGER LICKING GOOD in

Green Book

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Möst Bestest Racist Performänce By An Actor With An Ümulat In His Näme

Jasper Pääkkönen in BlacKkKlansman

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THAT Kid Who May One Day Become a ‘THAT Guy’ Kinda Guy

Jake Ryan from Eighth Grade

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Art Imitating Itself

Mike Myers Hating ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ in the movie of the same name is genius

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Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Mailing It In With Mailman Karl Malone

‘Sail Away’ in Eighth Grade

all the Luxing & Grinding in Vox Lux

‘Shallow’

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Rider / Climax / On The Basis of Sex / 7 Days in Entebbe / Juliet, Naked / Her Smell / The Night Comes for Us / Chappaquiddick / Golden Exits

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Honor Kneafsey

&

the aforementioned

Jasper Pääkkönen

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Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

didn’t realize all those cheesy Burt Reynolds car movies were actually awesome

+

Wes Anderson and Jacques Henri Lartigue

So Tell Me Again, Why Did You Have To Die? Part VII

Sports Meet Movies Collection

BEST MOVIES OF 2018:

Boy Erased
Ben Is Back
Beautiful Boy
A Boy Named Ben
Ben Is Beautiful
Lucas Hedges: Live on Broadway
Ben, My Sweet Sweet Boy
Who Erased Ben?
Lucas Hedges: Back on Broadway
2 Beautiful 2 Boys
Gotti

— Alex Blagg (@alexblagg) December 6, 2018

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Movies To Look For In The ‘019

 

Duo: A Star Wars Story

A Loud Place

HellFraiser

Second Man

Stan & Deliver 

18 Fast, 18 Furious

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In Memoriam

too many great names to name, so we’ll just leave it like this

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don’t forget to peep out our ’17,  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Expendables
Not Nearly Over The Top Enuff
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

As expected, The Expendables has big ass beloved action stars of yesteryear involved in some big ass explosions, while expounding big assed corny dialog.  So why does all the big-assedness feel so small?  And why is Charisma Carpenter in this movie?  And why isn’t she nekkid?  Writer/director/actor Sylvester Stallone‘s heart and mind, and pals, are all in the right place here, but when all is daid and sone, The Expendables is a missed opportunity at exploding exploitation.  Perhaps in the hands of someone more ironic like Robert Rodriguez, this could worked out a lot better instead of being what it is, which is not much, but not totally nothing, so it’s sorta something… we guess

So who are The Expendables?  Do you really care?  They’re a multi-ethnic paramilitary group for hire that are hired to take down other multi-ethnic paramilitary groups and collect cash and a bunch of battle scares at the end of the job.  In this adventure, they’re hired by Bruce Willis(!!!!, but only in it for one scene, which he also shares with Schwarzenegger.  boy, do we miss him and his eeuauaughhhuauaahhing) to take down a Central American island dictator (David Zayas, another Dexter player Stallone has drafted, after he enlisted Julie Benz for Rambo), who’s really juss a puppet for a shady ex-CIAer played by Eric Roberts (who’s a better actor than her sister, duh!!) and his right hand henchman Steve Austin, and they are all evil or something and so they muss be taken down or else or something!  OK!  So our team springs into action.  And what a team! Jason Statham! Jet Li! Dolph Lundgren (who knew he was so awesome???  seriously!!!)! Randy Couture! Terry Crews! and Mickey Rourke, as a sorta Q character!

And guess what happens next???  Shoot!  Knife!  Boom!  Death!  Zzzzzz!!  Nothing special!! WE DON’T EVEN REMEMBER ANYMORE!?!?  Is it too late to request even MORE CORNY DIALOG????  And why no mention of the characters’ full names????  Czech these babies out: Lee Christmas, Ying Yang, Gunner Jensen, James Munroe, Toll Road, Tool and our personal fav, Hale Caesar!!!  Wish this movie was something we could hail.  Yes, we were moist happy to see these worthy actors put back into action, but we juss wish the action was more jacksony.  Speaking of, where was Apollo Creed?  Or Mr T? Or Chuck Norris of Van Damme? or CGI Andre The Giant?  HE ONLY DUCK PADDLES!!!

Planet Best: ah, the early 90s, where hath you gone?

Verdictgo:Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Expendables dulls bulls todat at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…