Thighs Wide Shut

David Lynch/Mark Frost + boobs = TWIN PEAKS!!!!!!!!!

how long will it take this breastaurant to topple-ss the grand teton empire of Hooters? does it matter?  we say the more bazoonga-themed eateries the breaster!!!  who’s our daddy?  is it Bone Daddy’s??? [find of finds via The Blogfather]

FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!

TABITHA GILLEY’S HOLE!! [SFW]

once again, that name is Tabitha Gilley

once again, our hands are sticky

we said what we saw for the AFC this season, so now it’s thyme do the same for the other conference, where the grass is greener than Tom Green contracting gangrene from Mean Joe Greene, sometime on Greenwich Mean Time, while listening to Helmet’s Meantime

NFC East

Growing up in the DC area as a hard-die Washington Redskins (8-8) fan meant that w/o question or answer hating the Dallas Cowboys (7-9) more than anything (yes, even more than Hitler) was a way of life. Howevs, living in NY for the past decade, surrounded by these big fans, especially in an age after they fluked their way to a Super Bowl victory, has changed everything. We hath now come to loathe the New York Giants (11-5) the mostest out of all of the NFC Beast teams we loathe of bread. Of course this could all change if we were to ever move to Philadelphia and had to deal with dem dang Iggles (8-8) fans (hope Vick tortures that team more then he did dem dawgzz… or spread around some herpes like his alter ego Ronnie Mexico did). So what does this all have to do with the upcoming season? Nothing, but thought you’d be interested in things we really can’t stand besides Julia Roberts, the smell of fish and curly hair. All 4 teams will beat up on each other, leaving the Giants as the only representative in the playoffs from this division, and the regressing TO-less Cowboys to bring up the rear. Bringing up the rear shouldn’t be an issue for Tony Homo. It will be for puppet coach Wade Phillips, who probably will be gone by season’s end

Boo-nus link: things will get berry confusing on Rocktober 11th when Dallas plays… Dallas? Yeah, Jerry Jones’ boys travel to Kansas City to play the Chiefs, who will take their field as the prior squad, the Dallas Texans, in one of 16 AFL Legacy Games

NFC North

Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers (9-7) will once again have to deal with hoopla and shadow surrounding Brett Favre and his new team, but his inability to play at his best for a full season in Wrangler jeans will keep the Minnesota Vikings (6-10) spinning their wheels for most of the season. If things get really bad expect Brad Childress to pull up the anchor and let the sex boat set sail again. There’s nowhere to look but up for the finally Matt Millen-less Detroit Lions (6-10), and hopefully that will bring some of their fanbase back to their gorgeous Ford Field home. If not, then maybe their ‘All You Can Eat’ ticket deal will make them come. It’s making us come, in our pants, as we’ll be heading there, without our pants, to see them probably beat the Redskins later this month. Jay Cutler’s the new sheriff for the Chicago Bears (7-9), and while the diabetesized gunslinger may be able to get the ball a little bit further downfield than his predecessors could, his 17-20 win/loss record as a starter will continue to stay sub par this season, and beyond

Boo-nus link: wonder if Cutler rox out to Wilford Brimley’s Diabetes Dance Mixes as much as we do?

NFC South

While he’s been rather quiet since he departed the G-men for the New Orleans Saints (11-5), we fully expect Jeremy Shockey to be a bit more vocal this year and replace Jimmy Hart as the unofficial mouth of the South. And he can do all the talkin he wants, cause cool Brees and his arsenal of WRs and RBs will do all the walkin, and stompin on all opposing defenses. Good to see that things are looking up for this once rather sad franchise. We can’t ever allow them to leave the Big Easy and go to Utah like the Jazz before them and become the Utah Saints. wait a second, that would be mad wicked yo, cause then they can pump ‘Something Good’ at all their home games. That would be many miles and kilometers better than that roooooooooooooar noise the Carolina Panthers (6-10) pump into their stadium. Wish they pumped it loud enuff that their ugly jerseys, logo and color scheme would vanish into thin air. Big question in ‘lina is whether DeAngeLo WillIamS will continue on his monstrous breakout year or return to his shit state the led up to itt? Doesn’t matter much cause Delhomme is still their QB and he isn’t eggzactly entering his prime rib or numbers. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11) gotz no mo Monte Kiffin, so you can easily kiffin them goodbye. That leaves the Atlanta Falcons (9-7) as the only other serious contender to hail from the South. Interesting to see how Michael Turner does this year against good run Ds, when his habit is to only do well against the bad ones. Either way, we doubt owner Arthur Blank (and his mustache) will ever have a blank stare on his face

Boo-nus link: get yer kicks on at Morten Andersen’s Boot Camp!

NFC West

We’re super pissed that the Seattle Seahawks (7-9) cheer squad, The Sea Gals, didn’t invite back our perennial flavorite Tessa into the fold, and this will curse them, in a sorta reverse effect dealio the Yankees eggspeareanced when they acquired Mike Mussina from the Orioles. This will pave the way for the recently hapless (btw, if it isn’t ‘less’ is it juss ‘hap’?) San Francisco 49ers (8-8) a
nd St Louis Rams (8-8) to return to the land of respectability. Mike Singletary’s joo-joo eyeballs will get the golddiggas to ‘come together’ and play their bestest ‘toe-jam football’, and somehow hold the tiebreaker over all the other NFC’s 8-8 teams to make it back into the playoffs. How sweet would that be? They haven’t been good since San Fran resident and fan Journeyman journeyed back to the past!! All three West teams will bow down to the fo & five reals Arizona Cardinals (10-6)… if Warner stays healthy. And if so, they will be Breaston Show!

Boo-nus link: with the Sea Gal dis to our girl Tessy, we’re totally throwing our love to the 9ers’ biznatches, The Gold Rush. if the organization ever wanted to raise some extra funds, they could always make a Gold Rush girl on many Gold Rush gals porn that will not only satisfy their male fans, but their Bay Area gay area ladies too!!

Seeds:
#1 NY Football Giants
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Green Bay
#5 Atlanta
#6 San Fran

NFC Champs: Nawlins in a barn bunsen burner over the leaders of the Pack!

Super Bowl Champs: Nawlins over the Ravens, 77-3!!!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Kevin Smith (catches a lot of passes too!), Reggie Bush (he’s very undervalued), Percy Harvin (on name alone), Donnie Avery and Tony Gonz, like crazy!!!

Wees Hates: Jay Cutler, any Redskin that isn’t Portis or Cooley, anyone on Tampa, Roy E Williams, Roy F Williams, Roy G Biv and the fixin’s bar at Roy Rogers

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Lesean McCoy, Glen Coffee (TAKE A SIP!), Josh Morgan (if Crabtree doesn’t play this year), Zona D (they get to play the S’hawks, 9ers and Rams twice each!), Brent Celek and Tom Selleck’s mustache

we had a change of farts and couldn’t dare deny you the pleasure of Meagaghhan Goood’s goods in a Hooters outfit, so hear wee gogh agrain…

peeweeviously:

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

we will always be pro-Tessa and not con-Tessa

theys always talk about the NFL being a league of parity, and by our calculations, we’d have to agree. once again we looked at each game of the upcoming season, picked a winner and a loser (almos gave the Iggles another tie, but lettuce assume they learned their lesson from last year), and somehow each team will win at least 5 games. of course that’s not how it’s gonna play out, since there’s always one really awful waffle team (we pray tits not the Redskins), but KC and Oakland are bound to win some games, eh? anywho, w/o further Freddy Adu playing Mr Do…

AFC East

The New England Patriots (10-6) put a team together much like how our brother drafts his fantasy squad: old and crusty (or cold and rusty). They obtained Fred Taylor and Joey Galloway in the off season, and while our brother never wins in fantasyland, the Pats win in realityville (it’s 10 miles away from Pleasantville). They won games even without Mr Bunchen last year and they will do it again with him, but their division’s a lot better than it used to be. The Buffalo Bills (8-8) fired their O coordinator recently and replaced him with former Bills QB Alex Van Pelt. In his career her threw 16 TDs and 24 INTs, and that ‘talent’ will rub off on his team. TO will do his best and turn this shit into a sum mediocre .500 shinola. The New York Jets (7-9) will start off as a bunch of clowns, but once Dirty Sanchez finds his way, and finds David Clowney, this may be a three ring circus to keep an eye on in the coming years with Rex Ryan as the ringmaster… and foodtasteter. As for Miami Dolphins (6-10)? Fork em and the place they call home, Land Shark Stadium. They’ll be overdoing the wildcat so dang much this year that the makers of the Goldie Hawn-Nipsey Russell-Wesley Snipes-Woody Harrelson comedy crapsterpiece will sue them for copywrong infringement

Boo-nus link: the Wildcats rap or the Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle?? discuss

AFC North

We used to not have too much of an opinion about the Shittsburgh Steelers (13-3), but after Omar Epps and the logo on one side of the helmet crew stole the victory from the more needy (not necessarily more worthy) Cardinals we now have an opinion: theys annoying and we want thems to go away faster than the Pats and the stoopid flukey Giants who won 2 years ago (and we don’t care what you say, cause last year’s Super Bowl was better than that Tyree velcro helmet fluke one). Anywho, Omar & the gang haven’t lost anyone and thus are bound and gagged fo mo regular season glory, and how can you stop a team that has kept Charlie Batch as a back-up 27 years past his ‘use by’ date? Not so wacco Flacco of the Baltimore Ravens (10-6) will play ball control and let his D do the rest, in Derrick Mason’s final season before he applies for AARP benefits. The Cincinnati Bengals (6-10) are the Cincinnati Bengals and the Cleveland Browns (5-11) are the Cleveland Browns, and that’s all that needs to be said

Boo-nus link: Charlie Batch is juss one of many 14 ‘famous’ customers of south Jersey’s Newest Fleet of Limos, JBJ Limousine Inc.

AFC South

Blasphemy here we come: the toughest division in the NFL this season will not be the NFC Beast, but the AFC South. We didn’t quite go that far last year in outlandish blathering blatherskites, but we did pick 3 of their teams to make the playoffs. Two made it and two will this year. Somehow we think the bottom 3, the Indianapolis Colts (9-7), Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7) and Tennessee Ttitans (9-7), will all have winning records, with the Colts winning any tiebreaker cause they have Peyton Manning and they others have QBs who couldn’t throw your mom. Believe us, yer mom is totally throwable! That leaves the (fargin) Houston Texans (10-6) as the kings of the castle. Don’t know what it is about them, but it’s the only thing to hail from Texas besides any woman with gynormus bazongas and Texas toast that doesn’t suck. Heck, tits the only expansion team since our birth in 1977 with a name, logo and jersey that doesn’t make us want to vomit (the Panthers are a good thing to think about if yer having problems yakety-yakking)

Boo-nus link: here are some more thangs that will help induce up-chuck

AFC West

Jim Morrison once said that the west is the best. He also said he wanted to pork his mother and unless his mother is Monica Bellucci then he doesn’t know Bo or didley or shiz. So by default, the Norv Turner lead (not led, cause he’s like a giant piece of lead, weighing them down from being super great) San Diego Chargers (9-7) will beat out the on the mend Denver Broncos (8-8), rebuilding Kansas City Chiefs (6-10) and whatever the Oakland Raiders (5-11) are

Boo-nus link: The Al Davis face attack

Seeds:
#1 Shittsburgh
#2 New England
#3 Houston
#4 San Diego
#5 Baltimore
#6 Indianapolis

AFC Champs: the Riggity Ravens over the Pats, sacking Brady in the end zone on the final play to win 2-0

Fantasy Outlook AFC Shazz

Wees Loves: A-Gonz, Chad 85, Torry Holt, Sproles, Ray Rice and Flacco (although he averages about 174 yds passin per game)

Wees Hates: Broncos RBs, Chargers WRs, Ben Rothelspenis, the Cleveland Browns (cept dude below) and Addai another day

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Dirty Sanchez, James Davis, Chase Coffman, Steven Hauschka, Houston D and Sunny D

wait, you thoughts we were going to include those hott pics of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni? not this year

stay pooned for our NFC puddin poptacular!

peeweeviously:

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish