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Thursday, September 10
theys always talk about the NFL being a league of parity, and by our calculations, we'd have to agree. once again we looked at each game of the upcoming season, picked a winner and a loser (almos gave the Iggles another tie, but lettuce assume they learned their lesson from last year), and somehow each team will win at least 5 games. of course that's not how it's gonna play out, since there's always one really awful waffle team (we pray tits not the Redskins), but KC and Oakland are bound to win some games, eh? anywho, w/o further Freddy Adu playing Mr Do...
AFC East
The New England Patriots (10-6) put a team together much like how our brother drafts his fantasy squad: old and crusty (or cold and rusty). They obtained Fred Taylor and Joey Galloway in the off season, and while our brother never wins in fantasyland, the Pats win in realityville (it's 10 miles away from Pleasantville). They won games even without Mr Bunchen last year and they will do it again with him, but their division's a lot better than it used to be. The Buffalo Bills (8-8) fired their O coordinator recently and replaced him with former Bills QB Alex Van Pelt. In his career her threw 16 TDs and 24 INTs, and that 'talent' will rub off on his team. TO will do his best and turn this shit into a sum mediocre .500 shinola. The New York Jets (7-9) will start off as a bunch of clowns, but once Dirty Sanchez finds his way, and finds David Clowney, this may be a three ring circus to keep an eye on in the coming years with Rex Ryan as the ringmaster... and foodtasteter. As for Miami Dolphins (6-10)? Fork em and the place they call home, Land Shark Stadium. They'll be overdoing the wildcat so dang much this year that the makers of the Goldie Hawn-Nipsey Russell-Wesley Snipes-Woody Harrelson comedy crapsterpiece will sue them for copywrong infringement
Boo-nus link: the Wildcats rap or the Bears' Super Bowl Shuffle?? discuss
AFC North
We used to not have too much of an opinion about the Shittsburgh Steelers (13-3), but after Omar Epps and the logo on one side of the helmet crew stole the victory from the more needy (not necessarily more worthy) Cardinals we now have an opinion: theys annoying and we want thems to go away faster than the Pats and the stoopid flukey Giants who won 2 years ago (and we don't care what you say, cause last year's Super Bowl was better than that Tyree velcro helmet fluke one). Anywho, Omar & the gang haven't lost anyone and thus are bound and gagged fo mo regular season glory, and how can you stop a team that has kept Charlie Batch as a back-up 27 years past his 'use by' date? Not so wacco Flacco of the Baltimore Ravens (10-6) will play ball control and let his D do the rest, in Derrick Mason's final season before he applies for AARP benefits. The Cincinnati Bengals (6-10) are the Cincinnati Bengals and the Cleveland Browns (5-11) are the Cleveland Browns, and that's all that needs to be said
Boo-nus link: Charlie Batch is juss one of many 14 'famous' customers of south Jersey's Newest Fleet of Limos, JBJ Limousine Inc.
AFC South
Blasphemy here we come: the toughest division in the NFL this season will not be the NFC Beast, but the AFC South. We didn't quite go that far last year in outlandish blathering blatherskites, but we did pick 3 of their teams to make the playoffs. Two made it and two will this year. Somehow we think the bottom 3, the Indianapolis Colts (9-7), Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7) and Tennessee Ttitans (9-7), will all have winning records, with the Colts winning any tiebreaker cause they have Peyton Manning and they others have QBs who couldn't throw your mom. Believe us, yer mom is totally throwable! That leaves the (fargin) Houston Texans (10-6) as the kings of the castle. Don't know what it is about them, but it's the only thing to hail from Texas besides any woman with gynormus bazongas and Texas toast that doesn't suck. Heck, tits the only expansion team since our birth in 1977 with a name, logo and jersey that doesn't make us want to vomit (the Panthers are a good thing to think about if yer having problems yakety-yakking)
Boo-nus link: here are some more thangs that will help induce up-chuck
AFC West
Jim Morrison once said that the west is the best. He also said he wanted to pork his mother and unless his mother is Monica Bellucci then he doesn't know Bo or didley or shiz. So by default, the Norv Turner lead (not led, cause he's like a giant piece of lead, weighing them down from being super great) San Diego Chargers (9-7) will beat out the on the mend Denver Broncos (8-8), rebuilding Kansas City Chiefs (6-10) and whatever the Oakland Raiders (5-11) are
Boo-nus link: The Al Davis face attack
Seeds:
#1 Shittsburgh
#2 New England
#3 Houston
#4 San Diego
#5 Baltimore
#6 Indianapolis
AFC Champs: the Riggity Ravens over the Pats, sacking Brady in the end zone on the final play to win 2-0
Fantasy Outlook AFC Shazz
Wees Loves: A-Gonz, Chad 85, Torry Holt, Sproles, Ray Rice and Flacco (although he averages about 174 yds passin per game)
Wees Hates: Broncos RBs, Chargers WRs, Ben Rothelspenis, the Cleveland Browns (cept dude below) and Addai another day
Don't Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy's: Dirty Sanchez, James Davis, Chase Coffman, Steven Hauschka, Houston D and Sunny D
wait, you thoughts we were going to include those hott pics of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni? not this year
stay pooned for our NFC puddin poptacular!
peeweeviously:
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish
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