Thighs Wide Shut

I don’t like to toss around terms like ‘anally raped by fist covered in Crisco’ or ‘back alley abortion with wire hangers covered in Crisco’, but I don’t know how else to express in werds what happened to the Redskins in front of mine very own eyes at the Ghettolands yesterday. Thamks to Megbot, I had the bestest seats my ass has ever enjoyed (40 yd line, 30 rows up), but it was probably the biggest waste of my time since I voted for John Kerry in a heavily democratic state, or when I attempted to make chicken pot pie, with pot. Korny may have it write, but I’m still a believer… until they’re officially eliminated from the payoff picture… which for once, may actually occur on the final week of the season.

• I’ve given up on my search for Wayne Fontes, so I can focus my attentions on the disappearance of Yancey Thigpen. Btw, did anyone ever see him in the same room as Tupac?

• There’s boviously something rotten in the state of Denmark or in the brains of the 2 coaches who gave Oral Roberts a vote on USA Today/ESPN’s pre-season Top 25 poll. I suspect Tevester Anderson and Ron ‘Fang’ Mitchell are the two in question, and they may also be CIA operatives. Don’t blame this leak on me, just plame it on the rain.

• And in our final sportsish related topic of the day, my dearest brother-in-law, Davey “Brickhouse” MadeofBrawnsteen, finished in 5th place at the Verizon VoiceWing Battle at Union Jack’s in Bethesda, MD, by wolfing down 2.5 lbs of wings in 10 minutes. Snatchurally the Black Widow took top prize, but she better watch her back for Davey poo, who’ll soon climb his way up the ladder of excess. I hactually signed up for the contest myself, but since I was chosen as an alternate I decided to go to the Skins game instead. Probably the 14th wurst call of my life.

• The last things I want to think about when RFK’s assassination comes to mind is The Mighty Ducks, nip-slips [NSFW], and Shia LaBeouf

• The Wu-Tang Clan Andy Rooney aint nuttin to f$%k wit… and although I’m sure he never rides the subway, I bet he’s no fan of Dr. Zizmor

• I’ll set the odds at 30 to 1 that Kanye’s ‘Jesus Walks’ doesn’t even appear in the movie Jarhead, but all bets are off on a HRT the IV and Gavin engagement

• Pilgrims are flocking by the singles to the new Mecca, Long Island’s sole remaining Roy Rogers. And if this supposed resurgance fails, and the LI becomes the last remaining RR on earth, I smell a comeback for Bogdanovich in the vein of his brills The Last Picture Show. Maybe he’ll get Cybil to bare breasts again [NSFW], but this time in the name of holster fries and fixin bars.

• Link I never wanted to click on, but did because I needed an eggscuse to slit my eyes out: The Very Best of Jena Malone (Schoolgirl See Thru+Nips)

• And to help ease the pain of clicking the above link, here’s a pic of Double K… doing something, inside a limo, with her mouth, and sorta showing us her sorta chest…

• Free passes to I wish I knew how to quit you THE MOVIE

• The Village Voice: 50 Years/50 Covers

• Are there inbred families in the Ozarks/Appalachians like in Deliverance?

• DougEddingsIsADouche.blogspot.com [via Sox Hater #1]

• I was back in the VT last week, and the only thing I love more than the free cookies I gets from the DoubleTree hotel, and their fumcredible fall foliage…

…is eating my weight in hamburgers, shakes, fries, and fried chicken at Al’s French Frys has much has humanly possible. It’s steadily moving up the ranks on my long retired list of ‘Places To Eat B4 U Die’. Be there, or be thin!!!

And my email acct decided to erase most of the messages in my inbox, so if you entered our Supergrass Super Mark Duper contest, or if you still want to enter, all you have to do is answer the following three questions and she-male me wit yer name and address.

1) Which Supergrass song appeared on the Clueless soundtrack?
2) Who was Jek Porkins‘ best friend?
3) What am I wearing right now?

Recently, I had a lil convo with my adopted daughter, Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt the I, about how Ellen Burstyn and Denise Richards’ performances in Requiem for a Dream and Starship Troopers, respectively, were the mos hosed over come Oscar time. When I asked her which two bizatches’ performances would top her list, without blinking an eye, she replied, ‘Joan Cusack’s thumcredible work in 16 Cans and Lane’s nightmare calculator date hater from Better Off Dead.‘ At first I didn’t really understand what she meant by that, considering she is the devil, but all of the sudden, everything is illuminated…

[via Dlistina]
• IT happened again. She looked like her old self, but this time, there was less hand holding, and a lot more dry humping. Can anyone tell me what this means?

• Does this mean that when KK read my review, she beatoff with a bottle of HP sauce for 48 hours straight? Honey, if yer cravin the brown sauce, lemme eat some tacos from the truck and I’ll be over quicker than u can say lickity shitz.

• Reason #45512315 thousand thousand why our MTV Awards show blows goats and theirs doesn’t

• Every time I fly JetBlue (all of two times), for some reason I can’t stop watching the Game Show Network. Last time I viddied The Family Feud and this last go around it was all about the Tom Bergeron hosted version of Hollywood Squares. While I was in the process of slitting my eyes out, I kept wondering to myself, razor blade in hand, whatever happened to John Davidson and that killer hair? Luckily I’m an avid reader YCMIU, who’s always 4 steps ahead me.

• HRT the IV plans on penning a a sex guide book (I may write the foreword… or the index). And if you find that thought repulsive, try imagining Sarah Jessica Parker’s clown/horse face while having sex with Brian Peppers… who may actually be more attractive.

• Pay the man, Shirley

• Attack of the killer zzzzzzzs

• Apparently no one is safe from growing up awkward in the world of Harry Pothead. Not even everyone’s favorite twins, no, not those Aryan Nazi kids, but Fred and George Weasley!

If these films were made in the mid 80s, Jeremy Miller would’ve been the Marlon Brando of the group. [more Potter pics]

• Wait til Fred hears about this! Yabba dabbo BOOOOOOO!!!

• I’m thinking about seeing the Ladytron DJs (Reuben Wu and Mira Aroyo) at Rothko in early November. Can anyone tell me if its a thing mary worth thingining?

• The 100 Oldest Currently Registered .com Domains [via Hairy Cubes]

• I’m all for a future where boobs store mp3s

• San Francisco in Jell-O

• Is Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorffwelchevoralternwarengewissenschaftschafe rswessenschafewarenwohlgepflegeundsorgfaltigkeitbeschutzenvonangreifeudurch ihrraubgierigfeindewelchevoralternzwolftausendjahresvorandieerscheinenersch einenvanderersteerdemenschderraumschiffgebrauchlichtalsseinursprungvonkraft gestartseinlangefahrthinzwischensternaitigraumaufdersuchenachdiesternwelche gehabtbewohnbarplanetenkreisedrehensichundwohinderneurassevonverstandigmens chlichkeitkonntefortpflanzenundsicherfeuenanlebenslanglichfreudeundruhemitn icheinfurchtvorangreifenvonandererintelligentgeschopfsvonhinzwischenternart Zeus igraum Senior the new John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, or is it the other way around?

• Wax On, Wax Hoff [via Pakulashaker]

• And lastly, but not leastly, we bid much adieu (a ‘peace the spork’ is kinda rude here) to the great, great, great, great, great, great, Rosa Parks. She hated standing (right Cedric?), she hated Outkast, she probably loved Olney, MD (home of Hofpenis and Guns n Rosenthal), and apparently, she appeared in an episode of Touched by an Angel. I mean, what else is there to say, cept thanks for making a stand… by sitting, which is what our country does best.

1913-2005

Can someone please explain to me why t.A.T.u. aren’t bigger than Jesus Christ or at least Christ…opher Makepeace? I mean, Sting bassed it up for em, Bryan Adams shot them, they made love to the bat cave in their next vid, they have partied with the anti-Christ, they have the best album of the YEAR (sadly, I’m not joking), and most importantly, they know how to smile and point at pieces of paper on a door!!!

Not convincevaughned? Maybe my comrades can help eggsplain!

• If 52 is the new 56, then ’05 muss be the new ’91. Whether yer a believer or not, the Skins is are back, and so is Mark Brunell, who can now actually complete a pass over 7 yards. I’ll be at the Giants/Skindawgs game Sunday, wearing my jersey proud. Hopefully I won’t get raped in the bathroom, cause I only liked to get raped in NY.

• Not like I needed another reason to visit the UK in the name of Stanley Kubrick. Location, location, locations.

• One, two, three, peace the fork out Gordon Lee. Three, four, five, look at him jive… or not

• So when is Jesus coming to Misshapes?

• How do you like yer bearded clams in Vega$, teaserriffic or slutty to the bone? [via future wing eating champ, Made of Brawn-steen]

• Knowing this, is it safe to say that during the Super Bowl when Homer and co broke out of jail to the sweet sounds of Blur’s ‘Song 2’ (that’s the ‘Wooooooo Whooooo’ song for u idjiots) was the best moment of the decade?

• What the spell happened to that 3am white chick, and how come the other 3am white chick got a new pic, but the black 3am chick didn’t?

• My ye olde porn factory of a company are gonna be the first to offer anime on the new video thIghPod. And this can mean only one thing!!! (notice how they share my sense of humor, but not love of Good Humor ice cream products)

• Is it week 45 yet?

• Could a human swing through the jungle on vines?

• Er, um, uh, ah, eh, what?

• And remember WENN Amy Locane? She was the smoking hot chick in Cry-Baby and that smoking hot chick on Melrose Place. Well, she hasn’t completely fallen off the face of the earth like dirty woman, the Monkee heir, and the girl next door who believed the boy next door was a boy who could fly, but she hasn’t eggzactly had the career path that many of us hoped she woulda had. While I’m glad I found numerous pics of her nekkid and touching herself on the interwebs, I kinda cry like a baby for what coulda been. Oh well, I guess woman naked on horse juss doesn’t scream Oscar… juss my name, over and over, when I massurbate to that image…

frynally, some news of the utz mos importance…

TOMKAT PREGGERS

LOHAG AND CARS
A MATCH MADE IN HELL-SINKI

SHIA LABEOUF’S NAME
is pronounced
SHY’-uh luh-BUHF

and literally means
‘thank God for beef’
[via KTRE]

• By the gay, Mrs Beef of Whereington, Clara Peller, was not only fired for finding the beef, but JEWISH!!!

• By the gay 2, Boof from Teen Wolf is in no way related to Shia or anyone else of the LaBeouf Tang Clan

• Janet Jackson. NSFW. Non-Super Bowl related. Sorta hactually beatoffable, unlike these sweet talian hams. Click now.

• On Dec 1st, The White Stripes will boldly go where no band has performed before: The Daily Show wit Jon Stewart. Maybe they’ll do something special like wear orange and purple… or talk about their upcoming Michel Gondry directed video featuring Conan O’Best (?)

• Belated but, no more $40 a lay for the former Ms Ray

• Somehow Brett Ratner will fuck this up

• Did you know that Monks Diner in Seinfeld is the same place as Tom’s Diner in Suzanne Vega’s world? [via the Vega]

• The Flash 6-Disc DVD Box Set be coming in early ’06. Don’t all pre-order it at once or the world’s computers may all implode. [via Pakula Shaker]

• Field Day founder/perennial loser, Andrew Dreskin finally succeeded at something… even if that something is really nothing important

• Soccer Wives and Girlfriends [via Double V]

• I swear that I had nothing to do with these Hasselhoff photoshoppings from hell

• Siberian City Raises Concert Costs for Gay Performers… click for the story, but stay for picture

• How does scratch and sniff work?

• What’s up with the “Acme Company”?/Why Wile E. Coyote Will Never Catch The Road Runner

• The Top Ten Classic Arcade Game Songs

• What Is 88mph? + oldie What Is Cosby? [beware the AUDIO]

• Ukulele Disco

• Textbook examples of Moustaches, Chin & Cheek Beards, and good ole Full Beards

• Loved you some alternative Shining trailer? Then you’ll surely love you some zombie West Side Story, and maybe this Titanic one, which would have been a better way to market that POOPfest. Looks like these 3 were all created by the creative folks at PS260

• And while one Charlotte Church got her shoes jacked, another CC got sentenced to the big house for 21 years for likey-ing kiddie porn. What does this have to do with the price of eggs? I dunno, but she kinda looks like Melinda Clarke/Atia in this snap, and I since need me to gets my swerve on with dem following curves on, she hath saved herself from the chopping blocks. The same can’t be said of Annie Boleyn, who had to go cause she had six fingers and like ZERO boobage!

Lohag to push the envelope and sorta bare-all for Vanity Fair!!! Now if she really wanted to do something daring, she should have starred in Vanity Fair. Even if she did star in that movie, no one would’ve paid to see it

• Sharapova (HFRT the III) is engrouraging her fellow comrades to moan and roll around on grass

• Blur’s next album to be Coxenless, ‘really stupid and basic punk rock‘. Still sounds butter than the last 3 Oasis albums

• In London this Friday with nuttin to do and 5 pounds to shed? May I recommend Junior Senior tearing shiz up at Koko

• The Muppets may have gotten their own dang stamps, but did you know that the song ‘Mahna Mahna’ [d-lode] wasn’t theirs? Dat credit belongs to Italian film composer Piero Umiliani, who whooped up the original [d-lode] for the Swedish porn film Svezia, Inferno e Paradiso (Sweden Heaven or Hell). [many a more info and MP3s here]

• Trent may be bigger than Jeebus, but pink is the old locker room

• Trainspotting returns to the UK stage early next year

• Keds, cut bait now!

• How Coke Came to Be Kosher [via Rabbi Tobias’ grandson, The Real Jonah]

• How are flight numbers assigned?

• Metro Art and Architecture

• Czech this out

• A wee bit old, but when is it not funny to watch a bunch a clips of George W Bush talking, with the help of Andy Dick? [via Mustard King of Cleveland]

• Der greatest Shining trailer you never did see

• The Kevin F. Sherry Sweater Project

• I’ll beat the first person I see using this this, with the thing that is that

• and in closing… Eeesh!

When did my beloveded CC the IV turn into fat Audrey from European Vacation? Can you say ‘start packing yer (fun) bags’?