Trumbo
The Brave One
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 124 min

Dalton Trumbo had an awesome name, and an awesome mustache, but his life was far from awesome.  Yeah, the man won two Academy Awards for writing screenplays, but the first one he won – had another writer’s name attached to it instead of his, and his second one had to have a pseudonym on it cause he couldn’t work under his own name.  Ya see – Dalton Trumbo was an unabashed, overly outspoken communist living in America, who loved America – but he lived in a time where being red was scary to others, and so when the House Un-American Activities Committee came calling and wanted him to come name calling, he refused, and so he + 9 others became the Hollywood Ten – blacklisted from working in Hollywood, and living a normal life

Jay Roach‘s Trumbo tells (t)his story.  And (t)his story was actually already told, in doc form, back in 2007 with the eggsalad, and same named Trumbo.  I love docs so much, and would normally tell you that you MUSS see the doc before bothering with the movie (or not bother with the movie at all), but this movie is juss as good at telling the story – even if the movie itself feels like one of those biopic movies made for HBO – you know, a good movie, but nothing highly cinematic

But I had fun watching the mostly downs of Trumbo’s life, cause the cast was having such a hoot hooting along.  There was Helen Mirren being a bitch, Diane Lane being supportive, John Goodman being loud, Louis CK trying to act, Elle Fanning fanning the flames, Alan Tudyk tudyuking, and Michael Stuhlbarg playing Edward G. Robinson!!!  

And then there’s Bryan Cranston.  By the time Breaking Bad was winding down, I grew tired of Bryan Cranston.  This fatigue had less to do with him, and more juss to do with everyone not shutting up about Bryan Cranston, and so my opinion on him started to sour a bit.  I was like, enuff with the Bryan Cranston!!!!!!!!!  But after his trumboniously delicious work as the title character here, I have a full on trumboner for Bryan Cranston again.  And he’s sooooo good with that thick mustache (and smoking) that I think he should shave his head and play Rich Uncle Pennybags in a Monopoly movie!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Trumbo trumbos tonight in NY/LA and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

American Hustle
Hustle & (Mostly) Blows
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 129 min

American Hustle sorta tells the story of the Abscam FBI sting operation that took place in the late 70s/early 80s. Some of the names (and details) have been changed to protect the imbeciles. Some of it is entertaining, but most of it is like one REALLLLLLLLLLY long run on sentence that keeps on going and going and going.  Director David O Russell and writer Eric Singer swing for Goodfellas-ian heights, but kinda blows it like 2001’s Blow – all 70s scenery, but not much beyond the sniffy, sweaty surface.  But oh, those surfaces…

like…

hey, if you’ve always wanted to see 1/3rd of good-too-shoes Amy Adams‘s boobs (I never wanted to), then this is the boobie/movie for you!

or see Jeremy Renner smile in a movie, for the first time ever!!!

or be depressed watching Bradley Cooper give his all again (this time with curls!!!), and think about how much bullsh!t it was that he didn’t win best actor Oscar last year for the much better Silver Linings Playbook

and then watch his Oscar-winning co-star J-bLaw blah us to death with her blah acting and eyes that bore her and we to tears

or JO to the thought of a mustache ride from Jack Huston!!!

or watch Alessandro Nivola steal the show, in like a grand total of 6 minutes that he’s in the movie

and look, we all LOVE Louis CK and all, but lets face it, he can’t act

THE ARABIC VERSION OF ‘WHITE RABBIT’!!!

but nothing and nobody tops Christian Bale as a combed-over, hairy chested, big gutted Jewish dude, who hides behind those tinted shades OH SOOOOO WELLL.  BALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Man, CB is such a fcuking great actor.  So much so that I’m starting to think that the Batman movies were a waste of his time.  Anyone can be Batman (I’m sure even Affleck can’t ruin Batman), and since anyone can, we lost the time that Bale coulda been in other movies, like ones were he coulda played some overly intense mother-effer, who’s quietly ready to explode at any given moment.  Bless you Bale.  May you be ready to smolder at any given moment in a zillion movies to come

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hustle American’t currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Blue Jasmine
I Left My Heart Has Nothing Left In San Francisco
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 98 min

Woody Allen‘s recent movies have ranged from unforgettable (Midnight In Paris) to forgettable (Whatever Works) to juss plain forgotten (had zero recollection as to what You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger was about).  And his latest – Blue Jasmine?  As a whole, it’s neither of the three, but of course you should see it, cause it’s a Woody Allen movie, but anyone who does see it will never EVER forget the performance that Cate Blanchett hands in as the title blue-stress.  Oh man, the screen burns with every fiery ember of Cate as Jasmine and her smoldering at-the-ready Chernobyl-level meltdowns.  HOT HOT HOT!!!  She’s a woman scorned, broken, battered, but trying to bounce back.  Will the world let her, or will she burn herself down into pile of alcohol-soaked black ashes?  We’re rooting for her at every (mis)step she takes, even though she’s one of the least rootable characters of 2013.  GO JASMINE!!

So how did Jassy Jasmine bottom out to such a low match point?  She turned a blind eye to husband Alec Baldwin‘s madoff-ing with other people’s monies & philandering all over New York, and before it was too late to open her eyes, she lost everything.  Now she’s begging at the door of Sally Hawkins, her adopted sister who Jasmine could give three sh$ts about.  But times are tough and any family is family when yer down and out and now in San Francisco (new Woody locale, yeah!!).  Hawkins has enuff stuff on her own plate, like trying to feed two kids she sired with ex-husband Andrew Dice Clay (not playing for nursery rhyme laughs, and it works!), and a non-stop yapping greasy new beau in the form of Bobby Cannavale (although his yawk-y character doesn’t seem like the kinda guy who’d be living in the Bay Area).  Of course Jasmine complicates matters for all parties involved, as anything she (or Woody) touches turns into instant-neuroticism.  Things eventually do get better between the sisters, and then they each meet a dashing new man – Jasmine + Peter Sarsgaard and Hawkins + Louis CK, but the likelihood of the forecast staying perma-sunny in a ‘blue’ movie is about the same as the chances that dentist Michael Stuhlbarg or dopey mustachio Max Casella have of scoring with Cate Blanchett

Wowsers Cate Blanchett!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Are you the best actress alive?  Dare we say possibly even bester than the grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat Meryl Streep?  Time will tell for some, but we may be ready to make and stick by such a bold claim.  Streep of course coulda played a perfect Jasmine, and has even worked with Woody before, but I just don’t see a Streep Jasmine giving me movie memory neurosis for time eternal.  Burn baby burn!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Blue is golden currently in NY & LA, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

 TV was watched in 2012, and here’s how we rank what we watched!!!!!!

1. Dan Le Batard Is Highly Questionable (ESPN 2)

Two years of existence and it’s still the funniest show on TV (NO JOKE), and it’s on DAILY!  More Papi rants please!  Less Papi raps please!

[we’ll take this off the list next year, and just make it a permanent bestness like CBS Sunday Morning & PTI]

2. Louie (FX)

the best David Lynch TV show since Twin Peaks + there was GF Parker Posey + that episode where Louie got so scared of his dad that he had to escape the madness on a boat

2a. The Untold History of the United States (Showtime)

IT HAS BEEN TOLD!!!!! As told by Oliver Stone!!!

3. American Horror Story: Asylum (FX)

Dominique -inique -inique s’en allait tout simplement,

Routier, pauvre et chantant.

En tous chemins, en tous lieux,

Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu,

Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu.

4. The (American) Inbetweeners (MTV)

MTV tried to make an American Skins, and it didn’t exactly work.  They tried again with the UK’s BEYOND INCREDIBLE The Inbetweeners and it BEYOND WORKED (like how the US version of The Office beyond worked)!!!  Making this work is Nobel Peace Prize worthy.  Too bad MTV cancelled the series, cause it was smarterer & clevererer than anything else on its channel.  Personally, I think the show failed cause they didn’t get crazy hot adorable girls, like the British one did

5. Modern Family (ABC)

If you hate Modern Family that means you hate Phil Dunphy which means you hate life.  I feel sorry for you

6. Episodes (Showtime)

Everything about this show = A+.  Daisy Haggard as Myra = A++++++++++++++++++++++++++

7. Dexter (Showtime)

Finally, Dexter boned someone we’d actually bone too – Yvonne Strahovski.  Oh, and the show returned to form, after its first and only not so great season, which starred Tom Hanks’ son

8. Newsroom (HBO)

I’d literally watch Emily Mortimer watch TV screens, which is why I watch the overly annoying YET thighly addictive Newsroom

9. 30 Rock (NBC)

Going out with a bang, of laughter!

10. Rock Center with Brian Williams (NBC)

It’s ALMOST better than 60 Minutes.  Well, it’s definitely more fun.  And Bri Wills’ week in review bit at the end of each show 30 ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

11. The Client List (Lifetime)

and what’s your reason for NOT watching this show about hand jobs & boob jiggles??????????????

12. Political Animals (USA)

this mini-series was more engaging and sirprizing than the 2012 election, and Ciarán Hinds (my favorite living actor) as faux Bill Clinton was pretty much the knee’s bees to end all knee’s bees in 2012 + Carla Gugino was in it, so that means she was probably half nekkid and banging someone.  in fact she was!

13. Dallas (TNT)

Desperate Housewives was the würst, and yet we barely missed an episode.  It ended in 2012, so we needed a trashy prime-time soap to replace it.  Well, how about a show that features two of the hunky guys from DH, who happen to be two of the würst actors around?  SOLD!!!  Plus, there’s JR, one of TV’s greatest villians EVER.  Glad we joined in.  And we’ll stick with it, until TNT doesn’t

–

other solid forms of entertainments: Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel (so real!), Eastbound & Down (that Russian pitcher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), Pretty Little Liars (JOtastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), Breaking Bad (it’s been kinda downhill after the dis-Gus), Misfits (love it, but there’s been too many cast changes), Mad Men (think we take it for granite, and yet it’s still overrated), Sherlock (CUMBERBATCH!), Elementary (it’s no Cumberbatch, but Jonny Lee Miller is awesome!!!), Arrow (super, heroes), Homeland (losing patience with this one), The Office (righting the wrongs of last season), Boardwalk Empire (less Bored-ing this year), The Ricky Gervais Show (anything Gervais is behind is worth your time), Veep (THAT CAST!!!!!), Life’s Too Short (we loved it… in 2011), The Mindy Project (who knew Mindy could carry her own show?), Don’t Trust The B—- in Apt 23 (Dawson-awesome), Childrens Hospital (11 minutes of heaven), Gossip Girl (we’re actually gonna miss this show), Parks & Rec (it’s still not as funny as you all make it out to be),  Shameless (annoying, but can’t stop watching), Nurse Jackie (annoying, but can’t stop sorta watching), House of Lies (awful, but can’t stop watching), Californication (awful, but see below), SNL (obvs) & Game of Thrones (well made, but we couldn’t tell you a thing about this show) 

+ bone-yes moments

Californication, you’re never amazing, and yet, you are the BREAST!!!!!!!

- Phil-isms

- Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel’ Gymnast Sisters story :(  :)

– ‘where are gay men’s vaginas?’

- Lisa Loeb + Rufus 9ever!!!!!!!

– Gervais’ Derek pilot is melancholy madness

- Weeds ended, thank gawd

– found out who Gabbo is, almost 20 years after the fact

– MLB.tv is the greatest web tv thing ever

– 12.12.12 got us to watch one thing on TV for 6 straight hours

– more Drunk Uncle please!!!!!!!!!

– wait, Joe E Tata was on TV’s BATMAN?!??!?!!

– the guys of Girls, cause the girls from Girls suck

– when it comes to Hitchcock, we’re on team Toby Jones (and Sienna Miller too!)

– Pat Sajak’s interview on DLHQ | Liam Neeson calling Dan ‘David’ on DLHQ

– Mister Rogers and the Make Believe Olympic Games robot!!

– the Luck theme song

& fair thee well Dick and…

&

&

&

&

 

perv-iously

’11
’10
’09
’07

you know the drill - The Washington Post does it, we does it too, better or worse or perhaps even worser.  anywho, to 2012, and beyondce…

OUT	IN
Kardashians	Calrissians
Tebowing	Bilbo Baggins’d
What About Bobbed?	What About Watermelon?
Adele	Bdele
Anthony Weiner	John Cocktosten
North Korea	West Korea
Amanda Knox	Amanda Knox’ Knockers
SMiLE	FRoWN
David Keith	Keith David
The Arab Spring	An Arab Remake of Sprung
Nostalgia	Yestalgia
basketball on aircraft carriers	jai alai on hovercrafts
being compared to Hitler	being compared to Houghton Mifflin
Dragon Tattoos	Pete’s Dragon Tattoos
Godfather’s Pizza	Dogfather Hot Dogs
Quickster	Slowster
Steve Jobs	Steve Unemployeds
Words With Friends	Winwood & Friends
Silent Films	Ceylon Films
Louis CK	BK Dymacels
Skinny Jonah Hill	Jonah Hill’s Skin Flute
Sleep No More	Awake Yes Less
Casey Anthony	Casey Siemaszko
Occupy Wall Street	Rockupy Hollywood & Vine
Bridesmaids	Chi McBride‘s Maids
Osama bin Laden	Coleslama bin Laden
Winning	Whinnying
Kepler-22b Jokes	Uranus Jokes
Penn State Inappropriate Touching	Penn State Penitentiary Inappropriate Touching

and here’s what was In Oder Aus in the ’006, the ’007, the ’008, the ’009, the ‘010, and the ‘011