we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2019

and now, for the only awards that matter…

SEXtenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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Greatest Righting of A Wrong In A Movie Franchise EVER

in The Rise of Skywalker when they like, hey Rose, want to join us on this adventure, and she’s like, sorry, I’m busy being buried in a shallow grave by the scriptwriter!!!  EAT IT ROSE!!!

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The 10th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of Please Go Away You Annoy The Living Poop Out of Me Over-Acting Actor, How Are You An Actor, and In Every Movie? Award

Lucas Hedges

(a make-up call for previous years of annoying the crap out of me)

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Popular Movie That Irrationally Upsets My Soul Because There Is Nothing Special About It Whatsoever And I’m Still Mad At Riannnn Johnsonn for Ruining My Adulthood With What He Did To Star Wars

Knives Out 

a whodunnit
that who don’t

reveal the twist at the beginning!
so clever Riannn!!
(nice accent James Bond! NOT!!!)

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

TIE! 

with 6 films a piece in 2019

Jim Gaffigan AND Luke Evans

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these damn ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Cardi B’s DDs in the otherwise, somehow unwatchable movie about strippers – Hustlers

The Goldenest Globes

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes EVER

Molly Gordon

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Eyes Wide Closed For Bidness 9ever

aka WÃœRSTEST Eyes EVER

wtf is going on here Alita: Battle Angel???
WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT SCARY FCUKING SHTT!!???

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Hairing Is Caring 

Alec Baldwin’s DeLorean eyebrows in Framing John DeLorean

+

I don’t really love the hair but special mention to all hair things that’s going on in The Beach Bum

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Songs That Execute Better
Than Norman Mailer
Hanging With Cliff Clavin

the ENTIRE soundtrack to The Last Black Man in San Francisco

+

Taron Egerton IS Elton John

Kenny Rogers ‘in’ Richard Jewell

‘Hey Dude’

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

Midsommar / Joker / Uncut Gems / The Lighthouse / Once Upon A Time In Hollywood / The Last Black Man in San Francisco /A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (I cry every time the kids sing to him on the train) / Yesterday / 1917 / Ad Astra / It Chapter 2 (teaser) 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

Overcomer / Shaft / Annabelle Comes Home / Stuber / Fiddler: A Miracle of Miracles / The Day Shall Come/ Her Smell / The Death of Dick Long

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Gustaf Gründgens + Liv Mjönes + Taddeo Kufus

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Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

Nike is from Oregon.  The Goonies was shot in Oregon.  together they were a natural pair-ing of two great American legends & icons

BLESS the folks forever at Red Letter Media

Joe Pesci and David Ferrie RETURN!!

May The Fluoride Be With You

Ullman Are Created Equal

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Movies To Look For In The ‘020

Fast & Furious Presents: Nobbs & Shaw

Tolkien: White Guy

Super Thighs Me 2: Thighs Wide Slightly More Shut

Calendar Man

21 Jeff Bridges

Chris Wallace Is Here

Shazam! The Story of Gomer Pyle

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In Memoriam

too many great names to name
so we’ll just leave it like this

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don’t forget to peep out our ’18, ’17,  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
A Barrel of Halves 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 161 min

OMG, The Hobbit is back, yo!!  And this time we aint letting our eyes watch none of that 48888 frames per second junk.  And we didn’t!  24fps baby, all the way!  Cause that’s what movies are suppose to look like!  And glad we stuck to them guns for Peter Jackson‘s 5th dip into Tolkienland, cause this looked like a movie and not a video game!

OK, so what of the actual movie?  It’s first 1/2 was FCUKING awesome!!!!  Our heroes were like running thru fields and mountains and forests and fighting things big and small and gross and scary – you know, yer typical LOTR stuff.  But then the short dudes (Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage and all those stoopid lookin dwarves) needed help, but don’t ask for it, but it comes anyway in the form of super-skinny-hot elves!!  There’s good ole Legolas (Orlando Bloom, back in blonde, in the only role he excels in, instead of how he is in any non-elf movie where he ex-sucks in) and this female elf who didn’t event exist in Tolkien’s realm, but Peter Jackso oh so wanted to have a token Tolkien female character, so they basically made a female Legolas, but with red hair!!!  She’s played by Evangeline Lilly, and within 2 minutes of screen time, she makes you go, Liv Tyler as Arwen who???  IT’S TRUE CAUSE SHE’S SO COOL!!  But then the elves are like not helping the dwarves by jailing them, but then with MAGIC, they aint jailed, and then our heroes are in barrels, going down a rapid-crazed river (watch this bit of making of!), and trying to barrel-away from ugly orcs!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!!!  THERE’S SO MUCH ACTION AND THIS IS ALL SO MUCH FCUKING FUN!!!

But of course the fun never lasts, and the rest of the movie is far from a blast.  We inch toward Smaug and his dragon’s lair, and even if he’s voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, it can’t change the fact that the rest of the journey to him is such a slog.  The river ride ends and then our little friends still have miles/kilometers to go, but first they must take a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng diversion in some lake port city where Stephen Fry is kinda awesome perfect as the lake port city’s master, and this dude with teef is his annoying helper, and theys trying not to get spied on by Stephen Colbert, and like try to get this human - Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans) – to help them, but zzzzzzzzzzzz, and things and stuffzzzzzz.  Alas, they finally get going and go to the mountain where the dragon and Uncle Scrooge’s gold is be, and get some gem the dwarves need is be.  Fire from dragon goes whooooooooosh, and then the little dudes run around.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  WE SO CLOSE, but – CUT TO BLACK.  Movie ends with the least cliffy-cliff-hanger steak ever cooked.  Zzzzzzzzz.  WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BARRELS OF AWESOMES????

>Whatevs, we’re totally in for #3, but #2 was totally 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH.  It needed more Ian McKellen being an old beardo, and Lee Pace looking hot in with his treebranch crown, and stuff, AND BARREL RIDES!!!!  But I can’t really complain too much.  This is the 5th Peter Jax JRRRRRR Tolkien joint, and it far from sucks.  CAN GEORGE LUCAS SAY THAT ABOUT HIS STAR WARSESESES??   NO HE CAN’T CAUSE HIS NECK IS TOO FAT FOR HIS THROAT TO LET HIS MOUTH SPEAK WORDS THAT NO ONE CARES TO HEAR!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Smaug is making a hobbi-ton o’ money at a theater near jews

Bitched At Swirth – Middle Earth Edition: yep, dwarf Aidan Turner totes looks like a midget Ian Somerhalder with long hair, but we got one better for ya… 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

6 Fast 6 Furious
Resurrection Intersection Erection
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 130 min

Dude, name me a movie franchise (BESIDES THE JAMES BONDies) that’s still going pedal to the medal in its 6th round.  NAME ONE????  (OK, maybe Star Trek, but Star Trek had so many duds, and they changed the cast multiple times over).  You can’t name one (OK, maybe the original set of Planet of The Apes movies, which are ALL SO GOOD, even the bad ones), and that’s why The Fast & The Furious series may (end up) be(ing) America’s greatest (dumb fun) movie franchise ever (besides the Jackass and Step Up franchisesezes).  You may laugh at that notion, but not even Star Wars could make fun happen 6 times.  Now I’m not saying that all (or any) of the Fast & Furious movies is are masterpieces (two of em are basically worthless – #3 & #4), but for what they are – they are amazing.  They are pieces of (metal) crap, but the F&F movies know this and feed on it, pushing the ridiculousnessness to new extremes each & every time, while actually trying to keep a straight face when doing so.  The result?   Endless laughter and excitement and awesomeness.  You can keep your Whedon Avengers, cause I’ll stick with Justin Lin‘s 6 Fast 6 Furious.  I’ll take a tank exploding out of a truck(!!!) AND a car exploding out of a giant plane (!!!!!) over Superheros ho-hum/humdrummingly destroying CGI buildings (for the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn^th time).  + I’ll take all the crummy dialog that goes along with it

So what’s Fast 6 Furious 6 about?  Do you even care?  It’s like 5, but MORE and BETTER, and even more DUMB and FUN.  But this one’s got Michelle Rodriguez BACK FROM THE DEAD!  HOWWW????  WHO CARES, SHE’S BACK AND SO FAST, AND SO FURIOUS!!!  And they got a good baddie (Luke Evans), and another lady who can kick, and has an ass (Gina Carano), and a super huge Danish dude (Kim Kold) who needs to play The Rock‘s friend or nemesis in every movie he’s in going forward.  But 6ast 6urious isn’t perfect.  They coulda trimmed off about 30 minutes from this thing (like what was with that scene where The Rock and Ludacris make some guy give them the clothes off of his back and his watch and stuff??), and The Rock has a little-lot bit TOO much testosterone for a movie that isn’t short of terone des testos, and that Asian guy is so boring and lame, and undeserving of touching or even looking at Gal Gadot, who doesn’t have nearly enuff nekkid shower scenes (total count – zero), but this is all minor quibble squabbles, which aint nothings to squabble quibbles about when THERE ARE VEHICLES EXPLODING OUT OF OTHER VEHICLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In its 6th iteration, the Fast/Furious franchise seems to be hitting its stride.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!??!?  And after the giant TEASE [spoiler, don’t click] they be showing no signs of SLOWING down for #7.  CANNOT WAIT!!!!  In all honesty, I hope they continue to make these movies for the next 100 years.  If I make it to 90 years of age, I’ll force my grandchildren to take me to see 22 Fast 22 Furious, but only if they drive slowly

Also, Tyrese Gibson is the secret weapon of this whole franchise.  Without Tyrese Gibson, you have nothing.  Tyrese Gibson is life.  Tyrese Gibson needs his own vehicle vehicle movie franchise –  Tyrese Tyfurious.  If there is a god, he will make that happen

oh, and THIS!

Verdictgo: this is a 92728 star movie, but we don’t do stars so it’s BEYOND BREAST IN SHOW!!!

6 Fast 6 Furious rules the streets and theaters near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Raven
While I Nodded, Nearly Napping, Suddenly There Came A Crapping
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 111 min

With the success of those mostly sucky, kinda watchable Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes flicks, it was only a matter of time before some other ye olde classic literary figure got the hyperetic overblown big screen treatment.  Apparently it was Edgar Allan Poe‘s turn to create riches, which makes sense, since the master of the macabre has endless fodder in his cannon to make a big boom boom.  So why then does James McTeigue‘s Raven feel so un-Poe-tic, and makes for a mostly big boo boo????  Hactually, it’s no real sirprize tat all, considering that James McT’s the same guy who took V Is For Vendetta and made it L Is For Lames-ies

Thanks to John Cusack‘s energetic performance as EAP, The Raven is sorta kinda a little bit watchable, but ultimately it’s just a meandering and pointless and kinda boring made up adventure about the guy who gave Baltimore’s football team a name. So what’s the story? Well, apparently some dude is obsessed with Poe’s writing and decides to murder people, just like how people are murdered in Poe’s writings!  Hmmmm, this could sorta work as a movie thing.  Then Poe’s lady (the overly teethy Alice Eve) is kidnapped by the killer, so the stakes get doubled!  Poe aint alone in this battle.  He’s got this annoyingly scowling inspector (Luke Evans, who might have permanently damaged his brow from all the scowling he done does) leading the charge, and he will not be stopped until he can stop all of this.  Sadly, it takes way too long to stop, and the hunt for the killer juss aint all that interesting, even if the reveal of the killer is sorta kinda interesting.  Oh, and Brendan Gleeson is in this for some reason, cause why not, it’s Brendan Gleeson!  But they don’t let him be funny, which is sorta Brendan Gleeson’s thing, sorta

moral of the story – Poe is cool.  The Raven, not so much.  Eversnore!

Bitched At Swirth: when you can’t get Jake Gylennnahhaallllalalllnnal, get Carter Oliver Jackson-Cohen

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Raven flaps & yaps its wings today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…