Thighs Wide Shut

we got yer NFC covered, and now it’s time for the l-A-me-FC.  seriously, is there anything less fun than this conference?  When will the Colts, Pats, Chargers and Steelers juss go away and leave us alone?  Probably snot anytime soon, like us talking about C-3PO’s metal junk, so away we a-whiskey a go-go boots…

AFC East

Poor poor Buffalo and their Bills (5-11).  Always a bridesmaid, and always the ugliest one of the lot.  We blame OJ.  The TO show came and went, the Lee Evans show must go on, but is Chan Gailey the man for the job?  What kind of a name is Chan anywaysz?  And where did he go when he was missing?  That leaves a three-way scrumble rumble tumble betweeneth the Patsies (8-8), Finsies (8-8) and the beyond over hyped Jetsies (9-7).  Does anyone even remember how the Jets made it into the playoffs last year?  Skin of their teeth, and by beating a resting Cincy, who apparently rested during the following Wild Card weekend.  And then beating San Diego?  The Bolts beat themselves more in the playoffs year after year than we beat off day after day to India Reynolds.  Anywho, the Pats are declining more than they’re climbing, and Tony Sparano won’t be getting a Chad Henne tattoo anytime soon (see above pic)

Boo-nus link: one of my favs via one of my fav Twittereses… Belichick in tiny 80s shorts, walking with LT & Parcells

AFC North

Ben Rosthenslpenis thinks he’s king of the world and of women’s pants, but that came to a crashing halt this offseason when one drunken gal finally said no.  We say his 4 game absence will hurt the Steelers (8-8) chances overall, and Omar Epps will have to think of other things to do in the off season, like The Mod Squad 2 or Alfie 2.  Des Bengals (7-9) will return to earth this year, although they should be better with TO in the mix.  Guess it comes down to whether Carson Palmer is up to the task or not.  Would be thighlarious if he got benched in favor of his bro and teammate Jordan.  Des Browns (8-8) will be much improved with the Walrus in tow, but need to dump Man-not-so-genius before improving to the point of actual playoff berthedness.  It’s all about Baltimore (10-6), who need something to cheer about now that the US version of Skins said kiss their shirts!

Boo-nus link: Troy Polamalu’s hair is insured for a cool mil, but its beauty is priceless.  here be a slideshow of other over-the-top insurance policies

AFC South

Colts (13-3)?  Snoresville.  They’re a waste of space.  Peyton already got his one ring, lost his chance at a second, and so to stay a step below Favre, where he belongs, he should just quit and become a TV pitchman permanently.  We need him to do this now more than ever, with a nation still unable to get over Billy Mays’ passing.  As for the Texas Texans (10-6), they will finally break their playoff cherry, and they better, cause we’ve been saying this for the past 3 seasons, but it will happen cause Jacoby Jones is the bestest Jacoby since Joe Jacoby.  Hell, even the Titans (10-6) will be remembered this year.  With TD and food vulture LenWhale White gones, Chris Johnson will set a single-season NFL record of 29,229 rushing yards, 983 TDs, and he’ll even end up kicking 2 FGs in one game after Rob Bironas is forced to sit out with a bironas lasting more than 8 hours.  Some might say the greatest utility man since José Oquendo!  And what of the Jackmeoff Jags-offs (3-13)? Who flippin cares.  Crash and burn, and hopefully moves somewhere else so they can get rid of those dreadful colored jerseys!  LA doesn’t deserve sh$t, so we say move the team to Seattle, to make up for the Sonics being gone, even if that would give the city 2 football teams.  C’mon, how cool would that be?

Boo-nus link: Jeff Saturday was born on June 18, 1975.  sadly, that means he was born on a Wednesday.  here’s a report on what Prez Gerald Ford did on that very same day!

AFC West

We wish someone would topple the Norv & his underachieveing Chargers (10-6), cause they always blow it, and blow in general but this won’t be that season.  How is Norv STILL a head coach, in ANY sport?  LT and his 1.2 yds per carry BS are gone and in his place is Ryan Matthews, a guy who will tear it up so dang hard that no one will have a hard time 5getting about LaDayNay, and he might even get the womens fans out there to forget about Ryan Reynolds.  The Broncos (8-8) won’t give their fans postmature emasculation, like they did with last year’s 6-0 start, and 2-8 finish (YIKES), and may actually do the opposite – be crappy early, and scrappy later on.  Whatever the Chiefs (8-8) and Raiders (6-10) will do this year, won’t be as forgettable as the one before, and that’s that (we don’t even want to bother wasting another moment of our fingertips’ life writing about Jason Campbell)

Boo-nus Norv pic: can never get enuff of hatin on Norv, especially with these Jim Jones style glasses

Seeds:
#1 Colts 45s (13-3)
#2 Quoth The Ravens (10-6)
#3 Chargers (10-6)
#4 Der Jets (9-7)
#5 Titans (10-6)
#6 Texans (10-6)

AFC Champs: The Texans will make like the very wild Giants of a few years back and slay a few giants on the road (the charge-less Chargers, division mates Indy, and then the tuffy Ravens) on the way to the Super Bowl, which aint too far from home in Dallas!

Super Bowl: Packers 35, Houston 22

Super Bowl MVP: Donald Driver!???

Fantasy Outlook AFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Brandon Marshall BIG TIME, Terrell Owens, Ryan Matthews (he’ll be a top 5 back by year’s end), CJ Spills, Owen Daniels on the mend, and My Bironas!

Wees Hates He: Dirty Sanchez, Dwayne Bowe, the Pats running game (does anyone like em?), any member of the Titan offense that isn’t Chis Johnson and anything in Denver

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Lee Evans (no one is drafting him), Dexter McCluster (will he be a WR, a RB, or just a better Reggis Bush?), Mohamed Massaquoi (all name team), Jermaine Gresham (eat that John Grisham!) and the Browns D (yes, you read that correctly)

peeweeviously:

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

and juss cause… although this time w/o Hooters garb!

go McNabb!!!!!!!!!

The World Cup was nice and all, and sure, we even like a da baseball again after a 10ish year hiatus, but there’s only one real sport worth caring about: FOOOOOTBALLSZZZ!!!! and it’s back, and so is our preview!!! C-3PO once said ‘here we go again‘, but he also has a metal penis, so take that for what tits worth…

NFC East

This division is not as good as it used to be, or that anyone makes it out to be.  It’s kinda like Lady Gaga, cept the NFC East has history and Lady Gaga has a whopping total of 1.5 albums.  Well, Gaga will go poop-poop soon (we pray to the lord, John Lennon, that that does happen), and these bruisers will poop-poop each other out of the playoff picture, cause we said so.  Somehow the Redskins (9-7) will top them all, and make the Eagles (8-8) pay dearly for dealing them McNabb (times have certainly changed, as we no longer refer to him as ‘McScabb’)… if he stays healthy the whole year.  That’s a big IF, but not as big as the movie If…..  The Cowboys (7-9) will be about as good as Jerry Jones was playing himself on Entourage.  As for the G-Wo-Men (8-8), one more smack to Eli’s Frankenstein stitched head and you can kiss their season goodbye & Tom Coughlin’s crypt-keeper face from the Giants sideline.  Although, as a Skins fan, we hope he sticks/stinks around cause he blows more than The 400 Blows Part III!!!!

Boo-nus link: watch some dude rub a microphone on Albert Haynesworth’s face, at LenWhale White’s b-day party

NFC North

Vikes (13-3) or the Pack (11-5)?  Favre or the dude who took his job, Jesus in a helmet?  Both will make the payoffs, and hopefully sex-boat parties will be had by all.  The Lions (6-10) won’t be as awful as recent times (or their new look logo & unis) would suggest, and we secretly love them, but mainly cause of their all you can eat ticket option.  And what about the Bears (5-11)?  It doesn’t matter if Mike Martz or a bag of farts is running that offense, cause Jay Cutler is more like Gay Smutler and it makes zero sense how he could bag someone like Kristin Cavallari or even somenone like Kristen Schaal, although we’d take on both at the same time.  How did this team make the Super Bowl a few years back?  Was Rex Grossman the secret weapon?  Is that the only time that has ever appeared in print/interwebs????

Boo-nus link: Ragnar might not be a household name to you and we, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to have the human Viking mascot show up at our Bar Mitzvah!

NFC South

The Saints (13-3) have gots it so good.  They come from the home of Popeyes, finally won the big game, and no one would ever root against them, cept hurricanes and people who hurt puppies.  They also happen to be in a division of stain shits.  The Panthers (6-10)?  Matt Moore = less.  The Bucs (4-12)?  Can you name their starting QB, RB, wideouts, or better yet, their coach?  That leaves the Falcons (9-7) to give the Who Datters the only competition they’ll get.  This division has purty colors, but bores us, and we have nothing more to say on the matter

Boo-nus link: we miss Jerry Glanville, but he has yet to leave us.  watch him plead his case to become the host of the Portland Music Awards

NFC West

This West is truly wild, like Jack Wild or that awesome old game show Joker’s Wild or Oscar Wilde riding Mr Toad’s Wild Ride while getting a mustache ride on Rollie Fingers’ fork/fu&kball.  THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALLLLL!!!!!  The 49ers (6-10) seem to be a bit overrated, don’t theys?  Sure, they have some key players, but they also have Alex Smith as their quarterback.  Smells like mediocrity to we.  The other three squads are all in some sorta transition, be it the Rams (6-10), who are taking a chance on rookie Samnmy Bradford, or the Cardinals (6-10), who handed their playbook over to Derek Anderson.  This being the same Derek Anderson who got run out of Browns town, yet is apparently better than Matt Leinart, which is like being better than scurvy.  Somehow, some way, the Seahawks (8-8) w/Pete Carroll running away from that USC mess, will get this NFL team to play like his old college team, which basically was an NFL team anywayszzzz, and make the big-little dance

Boo-nus link: breast news ever: TESSA IS BACK AS A SEAGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeds:
#1 Nawlins (13-3, the get the #1 by beating Mini in game 1!)
#2 Miniature Soda (13-3)
#3 Redskins (9-7??????????!!!)
#4 Seattle (8-8)
#5 Green Bay (11-5)
#6 The ATL (9-7)

NFC Champs: The Pack beat Seattle, Favre and then Brees to make it to the Super Bowl.  who will they play?  found out in our AFC Pee-view, coming soon and on your face!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Ryan Grant, Kellen Winslow, Santana Moss + the Favre & Visanthe Shiancoe combo

Wees Hates He: the Panthers offense, Larry Fitz, Matt Ryan & Tony Gonz, Percy Harvin and his headaches

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Golden Tate, Brandon Jacobs, Brandon Pettigrew, Sam Bradford and anyone named Mike Williams

peeweeviously:

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

stay pooned for the AFC one!

and juss cause…

we said what we saw for the AFC this season, so now it’s thyme do the same for the other conference, where the grass is greener than Tom Green contracting gangrene from Mean Joe Greene, sometime on Greenwich Mean Time, while listening to Helmet’s Meantime

NFC East

Growing up in the DC area as a hard-die Washington Redskins (8-8) fan meant that w/o question or answer hating the Dallas Cowboys (7-9) more than anything (yes, even more than Hitler) was a way of life. Howevs, living in NY for the past decade, surrounded by these big fans, especially in an age after they fluked their way to a Super Bowl victory, has changed everything. We hath now come to loathe the New York Giants (11-5) the mostest out of all of the NFC Beast teams we loathe of bread. Of course this could all change if we were to ever move to Philadelphia and had to deal with dem dang Iggles (8-8) fans (hope Vick tortures that team more then he did dem dawgzz… or spread around some herpes like his alter ego Ronnie Mexico did). So what does this all have to do with the upcoming season? Nothing, but thought you’d be interested in things we really can’t stand besides Julia Roberts, the smell of fish and curly hair. All 4 teams will beat up on each other, leaving the Giants as the only representative in the playoffs from this division, and the regressing TO-less Cowboys to bring up the rear. Bringing up the rear shouldn’t be an issue for Tony Homo. It will be for puppet coach Wade Phillips, who probably will be gone by season’s end

Boo-nus link: things will get berry confusing on Rocktober 11th when Dallas plays… Dallas? Yeah, Jerry Jones’ boys travel to Kansas City to play the Chiefs, who will take their field as the prior squad, the Dallas Texans, in one of 16 AFL Legacy Games

NFC North

Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers (9-7) will once again have to deal with hoopla and shadow surrounding Brett Favre and his new team, but his inability to play at his best for a full season in Wrangler jeans will keep the Minnesota Vikings (6-10) spinning their wheels for most of the season. If things get really bad expect Brad Childress to pull up the anchor and let the sex boat set sail again. There’s nowhere to look but up for the finally Matt Millen-less Detroit Lions (6-10), and hopefully that will bring some of their fanbase back to their gorgeous Ford Field home. If not, then maybe their ‘All You Can Eat’ ticket deal will make them come. It’s making us come, in our pants, as we’ll be heading there, without our pants, to see them probably beat the Redskins later this month. Jay Cutler’s the new sheriff for the Chicago Bears (7-9), and while the diabetesized gunslinger may be able to get the ball a little bit further downfield than his predecessors could, his 17-20 win/loss record as a starter will continue to stay sub par this season, and beyond

Boo-nus link: wonder if Cutler rox out to Wilford Brimley’s Diabetes Dance Mixes as much as we do?

NFC South

While he’s been rather quiet since he departed the G-men for the New Orleans Saints (11-5), we fully expect Jeremy Shockey to be a bit more vocal this year and replace Jimmy Hart as the unofficial mouth of the South. And he can do all the talkin he wants, cause cool Brees and his arsenal of WRs and RBs will do all the walkin, and stompin on all opposing defenses. Good to see that things are looking up for this once rather sad franchise. We can’t ever allow them to leave the Big Easy and go to Utah like the Jazz before them and become the Utah Saints. wait a second, that would be mad wicked yo, cause then they can pump ‘Something Good’ at all their home games. That would be many miles and kilometers better than that roooooooooooooar noise the Carolina Panthers (6-10) pump into their stadium. Wish they pumped it loud enuff that their ugly jerseys, logo and color scheme would vanish into thin air. Big question in ‘lina is whether DeAngeLo WillIamS will continue on his monstrous breakout year or return to his shit state the led up to itt? Doesn’t matter much cause Delhomme is still their QB and he isn’t eggzactly entering his prime rib or numbers. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11) gotz no mo Monte Kiffin, so you can easily kiffin them goodbye. That leaves the Atlanta Falcons (9-7) as the only other serious contender to hail from the South. Interesting to see how Michael Turner does this year against good run Ds, when his habit is to only do well against the bad ones. Either way, we doubt owner Arthur Blank (and his mustache) will ever have a blank stare on his face

Boo-nus link: get yer kicks on at Morten Andersen’s Boot Camp!

NFC West

We’re super pissed that the Seattle Seahawks (7-9) cheer squad, The Sea Gals, didn’t invite back our perennial flavorite Tessa into the fold, and this will curse them, in a sorta reverse effect dealio the Yankees eggspeareanced when they acquired Mike Mussina from the Orioles. This will pave the way for the recently hapless (btw, if it isn’t ‘less’ is it juss ‘hap’?) San Francisco 49ers (8-8) a
nd St Louis Rams (8-8) to return to the land of respectability. Mike Singletary’s joo-joo eyeballs will get the golddiggas to ‘come together’ and play their bestest ‘toe-jam football’, and somehow hold the tiebreaker over all the other NFC’s 8-8 teams to make it back into the playoffs. How sweet would that be? They haven’t been good since San Fran resident and fan Journeyman journeyed back to the past!! All three West teams will bow down to the fo & five reals Arizona Cardinals (10-6)… if Warner stays healthy. And if so, they will be Breaston Show!

Boo-nus link: with the Sea Gal dis to our girl Tessy, we’re totally throwing our love to the 9ers’ biznatches, The Gold Rush. if the organization ever wanted to raise some extra funds, they could always make a Gold Rush girl on many Gold Rush gals porn that will not only satisfy their male fans, but their Bay Area gay area ladies too!!

Seeds:
#1 NY Football Giants
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Green Bay
#5 Atlanta
#6 San Fran

NFC Champs: Nawlins in a barn bunsen burner over the leaders of the Pack!

Super Bowl Champs: Nawlins over the Ravens, 77-3!!!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Kevin Smith (catches a lot of passes too!), Reggie Bush (he’s very undervalued), Percy Harvin (on name alone), Donnie Avery and Tony Gonz, like crazy!!!

Wees Hates: Jay Cutler, any Redskin that isn’t Portis or Cooley, anyone on Tampa, Roy E Williams, Roy F Williams, Roy G Biv and the fixin’s bar at Roy Rogers

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Lesean McCoy, Glen Coffee (TAKE A SIP!), Josh Morgan (if Crabtree doesn’t play this year), Zona D (they get to play the S’hawks, 9ers and Rams twice each!), Brent Celek and Tom Selleck’s mustache

we had a change of farts and couldn’t dare deny you the pleasure of Meagaghhan Goood’s goods in a Hooters outfit, so hear wee gogh agrain…

peeweeviously:

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

we will always be pro-Tessa and not con-Tessa

we already gave the NFC its due, so now it’s time to give the AFC (a conference with actual teams that don’t suck) the bidness. and w/o further Bob McAdoo…

AFC East

Boo-nus link: one of the dumbestest things we’ve seen this past year was SportsCenter’s Tony Sparano/Soprano bit. those guys should whack themselves, or at lest whack off to that Cowboy cheerleader

AFC North

Boo-nus link: Brady Quinn is Facebook’s face of gay love, cause he loves to hand out hummers

AFC South

Boo-nus link: not to tootie our own horns, but the only things funnier than Peyton Manning on SNL is our photoshop Joseph Addai Another Day

AFC West

Boo-nus link: Brandon Marshall may not have slipped on a McDonalds bag, but that shouldn’t stop you from ogling this beautiful one from the 80s

Sesame Seeds:
#1 Indy
#2 San Diego
#3 New England
#4 Cincy
#5 Jacksonville
#6 Houston

AFC Champs: Del Chargers over the Jaguars in battle of kickers that will end in scandal with the indictment of the Nate Kaeding Five

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Jay Cutler to Brandon Marshall all day long, Chris Chambers, Chris Johnson, Shayne Graham, Owen Daniels, Ricky Williams and his bong

Wees Hates: Ben Rothelsepenis, Jamal Lewis, any New England RB, the Cincy WRs, Tony Scheffler and Josh Scobee

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: James Hardy, Ray Rice, Javon Walker, the Bills D and Andy Bernard‘s rendition of ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonite’

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include ANOTHER hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?

peeweeviously:

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

we don’t really know anything about football, cept we love it slightly more than our parents and beating off. yet that won’t stop us from predicating the upcoming season, like we have for the past 2 seasons. this year we hactually looked at the entire schedule and figured out who would win and lose each game. you’ll see each team’s record forecast next to their name in parentheses. and w/o further Freddy Adu…

NFC East

Boo-nus link: we’re looking fwd to more YouTube madness this season from BradyFan83. his bestest work to date is his Daniel Snyder coaching search laff riot titled Who The Hell Should I Hire

NFC North

Boo-nus link: last year for Halloween Kitna dressed up as Lions’ naked Wendy’s midnight running coach Joe Cullen. it’s gonna be hard to top that this year, but might we suggest that he go as former coach Wayne Fontes dressed up like Cobra Commander

NFC South

Boo-nus link: skip the beer this fall and sip on Bobby Hebert’s Cajun Cannon Cabernet, in the name of charity, of course

NFC West

Boo-nus link: apparently our main SeaGal Tessa was the last one picked to make this year’s squad. don’t fret Tess, cause yer #1 in our heart(throbbing)

Seeds:
#1 Dallas
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Minnesota
#5 Redskins
#6 Carolina

NFC Champs: Nawlins over the Cowboys in a high scoring affair

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Marion the Barberion, Plax, Michael Turner, Kevin Smith, Nate Burleson, Witten, Chris Cooley and his wife

Wees Hates: McBlabb, anyone on Tampa, Viking & Redskins WRs

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: DeSean Jackson, Devin Hester, Josh Morgan, Kevin Boss and The Big Sleep

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include that hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?

stay pooned for our AFC puddin poptacular!

peeweeviously:

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish