we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2019

and now, for the only awards that matter…

SEXtenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

Greatest Righting of A Wrong In A Movie Franchise EVER

in The Rise of Skywalker when they like, hey Rose, want to join us on this adventure, and she’s like, sorry, I’m busy being buried in a shallow grave by the scriptwriter!!!  EAT IT ROSE!!!

_

The 10th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of Please Go Away You Annoy The Living Poop Out of Me Over-Acting Actor, How Are You An Actor, and In Every Movie? Award

Lucas Hedges

(a make-up call for previous years of annoying the crap out of me)

_

Popular Movie That Irrationally Upsets My Soul Because There Is Nothing Special About It Whatsoever And I’m Still Mad At Riannnn Johnsonn for Ruining My Adulthood With What He Did To Star Wars

Knives Out 

a whodunnit
that who don’t

reveal the twist at the beginning!
so clever Riannn!!
(nice accent James Bond! NOT!!!)

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

TIE! 

with 6 films a piece in 2019

Jim Gaffigan AND Luke Evans

_

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these damn ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Cardi B’s DDs in the otherwise, somehow unwatchable movie about strippers – Hustlers

The Goldenest Globes

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes EVER

Molly Gordon

_

Eyes Wide Closed For Bidness 9ever

aka WÃœRSTEST Eyes EVER

wtf is going on here Alita: Battle Angel???
WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT SCARY FCUKING SHTT!!???

_

Hairing Is Caring 

Alec Baldwin’s DeLorean eyebrows in Framing John DeLorean

+

I don’t really love the hair but special mention to all hair things that’s going on in The Beach Bum

_

Songs That Execute Better
Than Norman Mailer
Hanging With Cliff Clavin

the ENTIRE soundtrack to The Last Black Man in San Francisco

+

Taron Egerton IS Elton John

Kenny Rogers ‘in’ Richard Jewell

‘Hey Dude’

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

Midsommar / Joker / Uncut Gems / The Lighthouse / Once Upon A Time In Hollywood / The Last Black Man in San Francisco /A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (I cry every time the kids sing to him on the train) / Yesterday / 1917 / Ad Astra / It Chapter 2 (teaser) 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

Overcomer / Shaft / Annabelle Comes Home / Stuber / Fiddler: A Miracle of Miracles / The Day Shall Come/ Her Smell / The Death of Dick Long

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Gustaf Gründgens + Liv Mjönes + Taddeo Kufus

_

Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

Nike is from Oregon.  The Goonies was shot in Oregon.  together they were a natural pair-ing of two great American legends & icons

BLESS the folks forever at Red Letter Media

Joe Pesci and David Ferrie RETURN!!

May The Fluoride Be With You

Ullman Are Created Equal

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘020

Fast & Furious Presents: Nobbs & Shaw

Tolkien: White Guy

Super Thighs Me 2: Thighs Wide Slightly More Shut

Calendar Man

21 Jeff Bridges

Chris Wallace Is Here

Shazam! The Story of Gomer Pyle

_

In Memoriam

too many great names to name
so we’ll just leave it like this

_

don’t forget to peep out our ’18, ’17,  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2018

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Fifteenie Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

Thing In A Movie That Was Lame-r Than Your Mom

that there’s a bad guy named after overpriced water

_

Thing In A Movie From Another Movie That MOV(i)ED Me

I wasn’t ready and overlooked how amazing the Overlook Hotel shined in Ready Player One

_

The 9th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of Please Go Away You Annoy The Living Poop Out of Me Over-Acting Actor Award

Lin-Manual-Miranda’s blimey as I live and breathe attitude as a character that doesn’t matter whatsoever in Mary Poppinz

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

 

Eric Roberts

who had SIXTEEN ‘films’ released in 2018!!

_ 

Gifs of the Gawds

they call him MISTER Rogers

_ 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – this lady be DAMN fine award!!

+

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Kiera Bell

_

Hairing Is Caring 

Brian May & The Men of The Favourite
have the same hair!

 _

KFC Sucks, Except For This One Time

stereotypes are stereo-typical
BUT WORK FINGER LICKING GOOD in

Green Book

_

Möst Bestest Racist Performänce By An Actor With An Ümulat In His Näme

Jasper Pääkkönen in BlacKkKlansman

_

THAT Kid Who May One Day Become a ‘THAT Guy’ Kinda Guy

Jake Ryan from Eighth Grade

_

Art Imitating Itself

Mike Myers Hating ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ in the movie of the same name is genius

_

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Mailing It In With Mailman Karl Malone

‘Sail Away’ in Eighth Grade

all the Luxing & Grinding in Vox Lux

‘Shallow’

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Rider / Climax / On The Basis of Sex / 7 Days in Entebbe / Juliet, Naked / Her Smell / The Night Comes for Us / Chappaquiddick / Golden Exits

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Honor Kneafsey

&

the aforementioned

Jasper Pääkkönen

_

Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

didn’t realize all those cheesy Burt Reynolds car movies were actually awesome

+

Wes Anderson and Jacques Henri Lartigue

So Tell Me Again, Why Did You Have To Die? Part VII

Sports Meet Movies Collection

BEST MOVIES OF 2018:

Boy Erased
Ben Is Back
Beautiful Boy
A Boy Named Ben
Ben Is Beautiful
Lucas Hedges: Live on Broadway
Ben, My Sweet Sweet Boy
Who Erased Ben?
Lucas Hedges: Back on Broadway
2 Beautiful 2 Boys
Gotti

— Alex Blagg (@alexblagg) December 6, 2018

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘019

 

Duo: A Star Wars Story

A Loud Place

HellFraiser

Second Man

Stan & Deliver 

18 Fast, 18 Furious

_

In Memoriam

too many great names to name, so we’ll just leave it like this

_

don’t forget to peep out our ’17,  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2015

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Twelvethie Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!!

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl

this movie makes me so mad cause it tries so hard to be cool and its the furthest thing from coeol, but it’s the closet thing to sucking poop from an ass

_

Most Entenmann’staining
Film of the Year

The Danish Girl

which was sadly NOT about danishes

_

The 6th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

I still don’t get the deal that is

Rooney Mara

(who looks exactly like Disney’s Ichabod Crane)

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
She Didn’t Like
Girl of The Year

 

Alicia Vikander

who had 7 flix released in 2015!!

_ 

Gifs of the Gawds

_

Hairing Is Caring

Paul Giamatti as two different assholes
with two different asshole wigs

runner up – the wigs of The Big Short

_

Nice Piece of Glass

Iris Apfel’s and her
endless collection of glasses

_

Cry Me A Rivers

Melissa does mom Joan proud in Joy

_

Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The Bobbies!

these bobs are muy deniro!

_ 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

we wants 2eat Courtney Eaton
2 the max

 & 

she’s fast AND she’s furious

 & 

Anne Hathaway’s sweater puppies
in The Intern

&

I’d follows Maika Monroe anywhere

+

Spectrefapping

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Scariest Eyes

Johnny Depp’s scary ass
depp blue eyes!!!!

 in Black Mass

_

Würstest Date Movie of 2014

Son of Saul

_

Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Raffey Cassidy

&

Evan Bird

_

Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

The John Hughes Driving Tour I Sorta Invented!

Han Solo Hands Things to Rey

GENE HACKMAN AS DOC BROWN??????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carrie Fisher’s adorable daughter Billie Lourd

THAT GUY is married to a 4 time Academy Award winning costume designer!!!!!

Buddy Ebsen was going to play the Tin Man in the 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz

Major League cards by Topps

THERE WERE FEMALE PILOTS IN RETURN OF THE JEDI!!!

a street called Lois Lane

Margot Kidder is SuperFLY!!!!!!!!

 

Woody Allen toots

Happy 99th Birthday Olivia de Havilland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Two Women With The Ass Crack Dress

The Kid from Left Field

two VHS tape covers/posters that made me wish I didn’t have eyes as a kid, and STILL creep me out to this very day

The Story of Star Wars 8-track

Funko’s ReAction action figures!!!

+

_

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As Norman Bates

NWA’s greatest hits

‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ (Violin version) from COBAIN: Montage of Heck

‘You Could’ve Been A Lady’ by Hot Chocolate from Mistress Ameirca

Ellie Goulding – ‘Love Me Like You Do’

the Carol Sountrack

the Joy soundtrack

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Lady In The Van / Under Milk Wood / 90 Minutes in Heaven / The Duff / Inside Out / The Longest Ride / Trumbo / The Big Short / Run All Night / Boonie Bears: Mystical Winter / Steve Jobs

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Doodles Weaver

& Man Mountain Dean

& Steele Stebbins 

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘016

Bridge of Thighs

Uranus Descending 

The Woman from A.U.N.T.

Untitled Unfunny Judd Apatow Movie

Breasts of Some Nation

Terminator Levitycus

Magic Mike XS

33 Jump Street: Generations

15 Fast, 15 Furious

_

In Memoriam

Spock

Dracula/Scaramanga/Lord Summerisle/Saruman/Count Sudoku

Omar Sharif

Wes

 

Albert Maysles

 

The Other Dick Van + Jerry’s Wife/Ben’s Mom/Anne Meara + THE John Steed + Jason Voorhees’ mom + Stand By Me‘s Milo Pressman

Fagin

Leatherface & Maureen O’Hara

that suave-ass French actor who was in Octopussy

One Crazy Negron
& Rod Taylor and Ekberg

+ the guy who designed this

Dean Jones & Dickie Moore
& Jean Darling

Cindy Mancini

That Woman From Every 80s/90s Movie

Uggie

&

Mister Deltoid

_

don’t forget to peep out our ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we somehow cobbled together the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2014

and now, for the only awards that matter…

hELlEVENth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!!

(aka – somehow a movie with a naked ScarJo ScarBLOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Under The Skin

dishonrable trash mentions that can hump my poo

Mockinglame Part 1 / Monuments Men / Chef

_

Cheesiest Fun Stinky Cheese
of The Year

the Jerseyness of Jersey Boys

_

Most Thighnamic Duo of The Year

Jean Pierre Napoleon (Ty Burrell) & Sam the Eagle

in Muppets Most Wanted

_

The 5th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

it goes without saying, but…

Sucks Muckfarlame

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
She Didn’t Like
Girl of The Year

 

Wendi McLendon-Covey

who had 8 flix released in 2014!!

_ 

Gifs of the Gawds

_

Hairing Is Caring

whatever was going on with Mark Ruffalo’s balding and bearding in Foxcatcher

_

Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The Bobbies!

girls in the bobbedhood!

_

 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

Katherine Waterston is our vice [NSFW]

 & 

this poster/Eva Green’s boobs

+

Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s super hot son Jack

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Scariest Eyes

Jake Gynnhahhanahalllahal!!!!

 in Nightcrawler

_

Word I Still Can’t Pronounce

Maleficent

_

Face Timeless

this dude

from Under The Skin

 _

Juss Josh Baskin’ In These Sunny Miscellaneous Missile Missives That Are Da Bomb Shiz!

the only bitched @ swirth that matters, AGAIN!!!!!!!

ALT BTTF MCFLY SIBLING PICS!!

NAMEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The lady in the Columbia Pictures logo!!!!!!!!!

this guy painted these!!

36 Actors Hanging Out With Their Body Doubles

a more cartoony Snow White

Celluloid Paper Dolls

that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho

meeting the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

Ryan Gage’s Hobbit unibrow

Problem Children reunion

Goonies Never Stay Dead

Albert Finney shaves 2 become Daddy Warbucks

on the set & behind the scenes with Vivian Kubrick

Paul becoming Pee Wee

and Paging Mr Herman

DICK POOP!!!!!!!!

+

a spoiler on a spoiler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As A Normal Mailman

‘Big Eyes’ from the movie of the same name

The Double soundtrack

the theme from Interstellar

+

(more like MINUS)

the song that makes me wish I didn’t have ears

‘Hanging Tree’

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Nut Job / Fiston / How to Train Your Dragon 2 / Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie / Get On Up / Step Up: All In / Bang Bang!

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Chubby Johnson 

& Jet Jurgensmeyer 

& Gyp Decarlo 

& Googie Withers

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘015

The Fault In Our Czars

 The Bok Choy Luck Club

14 Years A Slave

14 Fast, 14 Furious

_

In Memoriam

ROBIN FCUKING WILLIAMS :(

+

Taylor Negrone & Rod Taylor & La Dolce Vita fountainhead

Bacall

Luise Rainer & Ed Herrmann

Welcome to Jurassic Park

Elizabeth Peña

Mike Nichols

Bob Hoskins

the 7-Up guy

Maya & Giger & Gordon Willis

Tuco & Ruby Dee & Paul Mazursky & the dude from Raiders with the scimitar

Kiel!! Kiel!!! Kiel!!!!

+

Jan

&

Dim

& 

THE ANCIENT BOOER!!!!

_

don’t forget to peep out our ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we pricked the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2013

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Judi Den10th Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

The Death To Smoochy Würstest Picture AND The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Pig Sh!t Film of the Year!!!!!

Upstream Color

dishonrable mentions for these movies for also sucking a$$ and making me really angry that they eggist

This Is The End & Don Jon & The Book Thief & The Bling Ring & Gangster Squad & I’m So Excited & Katsnooze II

_

Batsh!ttiest Un-Sh!tty Crazy/Beautiful Performances of The Year

Leo & Cate

in Wolf & Jasmine

_

The 4th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

Jay Baruchel

we get it, you’re scrawny, Canadian and have a dumb voice.  now go away and take Seth Rogen with you

_

Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Jackson Nicoll / Joey King

and the würst

Nico Liersch

_

The Samuel L Jackson Never Met A Script He Didn’t Like Guy of The Year

 

James Franco

who had 8+ flix released in 2013!!

_

 

Gifs of the Gawds

_

 

Hairing Is Caring

Cumberbatch’s Assange hair

tied for 2nd – everyone’s Hustle hair

tied for 3rd – the MUST-staches of Dallas Buyers Club

_

Würstest Date Movie of 2013

12 Years A Snooze

alternatively…

würstest Dates IN a movie

any of the ones involving humans in Her

_

Bob’s Big Girls – The Bobbies!

anything & everything in Gatsby +8 other winners!

_

 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

anything Vanessa Hudgens is doing in Spring Breakers

Margot Robbie makes us howl in Wolf [NSFW]

anything in Blue Is The Warmest Color (although we didn’t see it) [NSFW]

Lindsay Lohan’s cannons in The Canyons [NSFW]

Rosario Dawson puts us in a JO Trance [NSFW]

the revealing photos of Bettie Page in Bettie Page Reveals All [NSFW]

& 

Leo’s butt candle

and the leastest…

her and his in the dark orgasms in Her

+

the sexification of Amy Adams in Hustle

juss stop it.  she’s too nice to be sexy

_

Mish-Mash-Up of The Year

Oz Breakers by ME!!!

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Justine Lupe!!!!

 in Frances Ha

runner-up - Blanca Suárez

_

Most Ablixaiest Ablixa

Ablixa in Side Effects

_

Face Timeless

Dutch lawyer Emile Vrijman‘s face

seen in The Armstrong Lie

 _

Josh Baskin’ In These Sunny Miscellaneous Missile Missives That Are Da Bomb Shiz!

the only bitched @ swirth that matters!!!!!!!

AMC’s POOFY COMFY LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS AT THE MOVIES!!!!!! 

the Her his line

the VFX of Gatsby

 Kellan Lutz IS orc Bolg

JD Salinger’s son was in Revenge of The Nerds!

David Cross has played both Allen Ginsburg AND his father

THOSE CRAZY SEXY COOL NASA’S SPACE COLONY ART THINGS FROM THE 1970S COME TO LIFE IN the so-so Elysium!!!

the awesomeness that is SpaceCamp!

the Death Star’s laser control room still exists!!!

Matt Zoller Seitz became like the new Jesus and we still have zero idea who he is

1933 was an incredible year for movies

that picture of Terrence Malick

this picture of Terrence Malick

the cameos of Harmony Korine

Picnic at Hanging Rock is crazed!!!!!

Danny Lloyd Torrance Lives!!!

Batman (1989)’s Flugelheim Museum

+

we still gay for JFGay

_

Songs That Execute Butter Than Norman Mailer’s Bong & Chong

‘Ordinary Love’ from the Mandela movie

Mayssa Karaa’s arabic rendtion of ‘White Rabbit’

‘Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites’ by Skrillex in Spring Breakers

Mike Patton’s haunting piano in Pines

&

the abso abso abso lute würstest be…

‘The Blue Umbrella Suite’ featuring Sarah Jaffe

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

+ 

 the würst

& the würrstetst

& twinsies würsteresteserteestsers!!!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

A Good Day to Die Hard / The Purge / My Little Pony: Equestria Girls / The To Do List / The Canyons / Jobs / Inside Llewyn Davis / Out of the Furnace

_

Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award

June Squibb / Raphaël Personnaz / Topsy Chapman

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘014

World War ZZ Topps

The Haunting in Connecticut 3: Ghosts of Miami of Ohio

The Even Greater Gatsby

Othello (based off of the board game)

Korben Dallas Buyers Club

13 Years A Slave

13 Fast, 13 Furious

_

In Memoriam

Temple of the Smile

+

O’Toole & Fontaine & Phil Sey Mo & Ramis & Sid & Paul Walker & Mrs Peacock & Dennis F%&king Farina & The Albino from P-Bride & Gandolfini & stop motion sick-ness & Ebert

&

Mr LittleJeans / Pagoda

_

don’t forget to peep out our ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…