we are beyond unprepared for this upcoming NFL season. probably has something to do with being distracted by the NatsBatsStats and bobs, but that aint gonna stop us from making half-assed guesses as to what’s going to happen in the NFL this year!!!!

NFC

Washington Redskins start training. Washington, DC August 28th, 1937  [via LoC]

NFC EAST

We can no longer doubt the greatness of the Giants (9-7), who have been to the Super Bowl 3 times since 2001, and won it all twice.  Doesn’t mean we have to like it, or them, and we never will, and they will once again reign ‘supreme’ in the NFC Least again, leaving the Vick pricked Eagles (8-8) and lame-o Romo-ed Cowboys (8-8) to be less awful than the RGIIIed Redskins (5-11). When does RGIV happen?

NFC NORTH

The North is where all the hot NFC action will be this fall, and the Lions (11-5) will be the hottiest, roaring their way to a division crown for the first time since 1993. Yep, the Wayne Fontes era!!! The reunited hothead combo of Cutler & Marshall will push the Bears (9-7) into the playoffs, while the Packers (9-7) and Vikings (8-8) get close, but no cigars in vaginas

NFC SOUTH

The Saints (10-6) won’t be beheading anyone this fall, but they will be using Bounty paper towels to quicker pick themselves up and win the division, again. Boringzzzz. Well, nothing’s more boring than the Falcons (8-8), but instead of losing in the 1st round of the playoffs, as per usual, they won’t make it in at all, paving the way for Cam Newton & the Panthers (9-7) to bring the most excitement to Charlotte since they got light rail. Oh, and the Bucs (6-10) will sux

NFC WEST

These aren’t your Bill Walsh 49ers (10-6), but even if they were your Steve Mariucci 49ers, they would still have no problem keeping the dregs of the NFL, the Seahawks (7-9), Cardinals (6-10) & Rams (4-12), dreg-legged

Seeds:
#1 Lions
#2 49ers
#3 Saints
#4 Giants
#5 Bears
#6 Panthers

NFC Champs: the 49ers will top the Lions(!!!!!!!!!!), and Wayne Fontes will order Take Out fonts

AFC

AFC EAST

Apparently if you’re a team from Miami with a reality show, your team is not very good. Sorry Dolphins (5-11), maybe some other year, like never. The Jets (8-8) have their own reality show, but it’s actual reality, and no one wants to watch it.  The Bills (10-6) will make the Jills cheer a lot, but the Patriots (13-3) are the Patriots and so the Patriots will be the Patriots

AFC NORTH

How are the Browns (3-13) ever going to compete with the Ravens (8-8), Steelers (9-7) or even the Bengals (8-8)?  They won’t, and remain one of 4 teams to never make it to the Super Bowl. America has a lot of problems, and this is the biggest one of them allszz!!!

AFC SOUTH

Colts (6-10) no longer have to suck for Luck, as they will mostly suck with Luck, at least this year, but then again, maybe they won’t. But they probably will, which will once again leave the keys to the division in the hands of the Texans (10-6), while the Blabber Gabberted Jaguars (5-11) and meat Lockered Titans (7-9) make minor blips on a radar no one’s monitoring

AFC WEST

How is Norv Turner still the coach of the Chargers (8-8)? Will this finally be the year he breaks through… back into the unemployment line???? Yes, as the competition is as stiff as Peyton’s neck in a Broncos (8-8) helmet, while the Chiefs (9-7) and Raiders (11-5), yes RAIDERS, take over as top dawgs

Seeds:
#1 Patsies
#2 Raiders
#3 Texans Toast
#4 Steelers
#5 Bill$
#6 Chiefs

AFC Champs: Patriots are the Patriots, but that’s not enuff, as the Texans will be saying, ‘Houston, we DON’T have a problem!’

Super Bowl: San Francisco 28, Houston 24

Super Bowl MVP: Randy Moss???????? stranger things have happened, AND THEY WILL!!!!!!!!!!

perv-iously

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

&

normally this space is reserved for Meaaagggaaan Gooooddde Hooters pics, but we ran out of them, and since there’s now a faux Tessa SeaGal (in place of THE REAL ONE), here’s our new flavroite SeaGal

Brita!!!!

remember Sea Gal Tessa, who’s been on TWS’ radar & junk ever since 2007?

well, even though she is quite the cheery leader of cheerleading that has 5ever captured our hearts and farts, we now feel a lil bit bad about objectifying her and her wicked bod.  why????  wellsie, her high school sweetheart died of cancer and she joined the Sea Gals squad to honor him.  YIKESSIES!!!!!!  if only she weren’t so fly (like a Sea Gal), then none of this would make we feel so guilty!

The World Cup was nice and all, and sure, we even like a da baseball again after a 10ish year hiatus, but there’s only one real sport worth caring about: FOOOOOTBALLSZZZ!!!! and it’s back, and so is our preview!!! C-3PO once said ‘here we go again‘, but he also has a metal penis, so take that for what tits worth…

NFC East

This division is not as good as it used to be, or that anyone makes it out to be.  It’s kinda like Lady Gaga, cept the NFC East has history and Lady Gaga has a whopping total of 1.5 albums.  Well, Gaga will go poop-poop soon (we pray to the lord, John Lennon, that that does happen), and these bruisers will poop-poop each other out of the playoff picture, cause we said so.  Somehow the Redskins (9-7) will top them all, and make the Eagles (8-8) pay dearly for dealing them McNabb (times have certainly changed, as we no longer refer to him as ‘McScabb’)… if he stays healthy the whole year.  That’s a big IF, but not as big as the movie If…..  The Cowboys (7-9) will be about as good as Jerry Jones was playing himself on Entourage.  As for the G-Wo-Men (8-8), one more smack to Eli’s Frankenstein stitched head and you can kiss their season goodbye & Tom Coughlin’s crypt-keeper face from the Giants sideline.  Although, as a Skins fan, we hope he sticks/stinks around cause he blows more than The 400 Blows Part III!!!!

Boo-nus link: watch some dude rub a microphone on Albert Haynesworth’s face, at LenWhale White’s b-day party

NFC North

Vikes (13-3) or the Pack (11-5)?  Favre or the dude who took his job, Jesus in a helmet?  Both will make the payoffs, and hopefully sex-boat parties will be had by all.  The Lions (6-10) won’t be as awful as recent times (or their new look logo & unis) would suggest, and we secretly love them, but mainly cause of their all you can eat ticket option.  And what about the Bears (5-11)?  It doesn’t matter if Mike Martz or a bag of farts is running that offense, cause Jay Cutler is more like Gay Smutler and it makes zero sense how he could bag someone like Kristin Cavallari or even somenone like Kristen Schaal, although we’d take on both at the same time.  How did this team make the Super Bowl a few years back?  Was Rex Grossman the secret weapon?  Is that the only time that has ever appeared in print/interwebs????

Boo-nus link: Ragnar might not be a household name to you and we, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to have the human Viking mascot show up at our Bar Mitzvah!

NFC South

The Saints (13-3) have gots it so good.  They come from the home of Popeyes, finally won the big game, and no one would ever root against them, cept hurricanes and people who hurt puppies.  They also happen to be in a division of stain shits.  The Panthers (6-10)?  Matt Moore = less.  The Bucs (4-12)?  Can you name their starting QB, RB, wideouts, or better yet, their coach?  That leaves the Falcons (9-7) to give the Who Datters the only competition they’ll get.  This division has purty colors, but bores us, and we have nothing more to say on the matter

Boo-nus link: we miss Jerry Glanville, but he has yet to leave us.  watch him plead his case to become the host of the Portland Music Awards

NFC West

This West is truly wild, like Jack Wild or that awesome old game show Joker’s Wild or Oscar Wilde riding Mr Toad’s Wild Ride while getting a mustache ride on Rollie Fingers’ fork/fu&kball.  THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALLLLL!!!!!  The 49ers (6-10) seem to be a bit overrated, don’t theys?  Sure, they have some key players, but they also have Alex Smith as their quarterback.  Smells like mediocrity to we.  The other three squads are all in some sorta transition, be it the Rams (6-10), who are taking a chance on rookie Samnmy Bradford, or the Cardinals (6-10), who handed their playbook over to Derek Anderson.  This being the same Derek Anderson who got run out of Browns town, yet is apparently better than Matt Leinart, which is like being better than scurvy.  Somehow, some way, the Seahawks (8-8) w/Pete Carroll running away from that USC mess, will get this NFL team to play like his old college team, which basically was an NFL team anywayszzzz, and make the big-little dance

Boo-nus link: breast news ever: TESSA IS BACK AS A SEAGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeds:
#1 Nawlins (13-3, the get the #1 by beating Mini in game 1!)
#2 Miniature Soda (13-3)
#3 Redskins (9-7??????????!!!)
#4 Seattle (8-8)
#5 Green Bay (11-5)
#6 The ATL (9-7)

NFC Champs: The Pack beat Seattle, Favre and then Brees to make it to the Super Bowl.  who will they play?  found out in our AFC Pee-view, coming soon and on your face!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Ryan Grant, Kellen Winslow, Santana Moss + the Favre & Visanthe Shiancoe combo

Wees Hates He: the Panthers offense, Larry Fitz, Matt Ryan & Tony Gonz, Percy Harvin and his headaches

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Golden Tate, Brandon Jacobs, Brandon Pettigrew, Sam Bradford and anyone named Mike Williams

peeweeviously:

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

stay pooned for the AFC one!

and juss cause…

we said what we saw for the AFC this season, so now it’s thyme do the same for the other conference, where the grass is greener than Tom Green contracting gangrene from Mean Joe Greene, sometime on Greenwich Mean Time, while listening to Helmet’s Meantime

NFC East

Growing up in the DC area as a hard-die Washington Redskins (8-8) fan meant that w/o question or answer hating the Dallas Cowboys (7-9) more than anything (yes, even more than Hitler) was a way of life. Howevs, living in NY for the past decade, surrounded by these big fans, especially in an age after they fluked their way to a Super Bowl victory, has changed everything. We hath now come to loathe the New York Giants (11-5) the mostest out of all of the NFC Beast teams we loathe of bread. Of course this could all change if we were to ever move to Philadelphia and had to deal with dem dang Iggles (8-8) fans (hope Vick tortures that team more then he did dem dawgzz… or spread around some herpes like his alter ego Ronnie Mexico did). So what does this all have to do with the upcoming season? Nothing, but thought you’d be interested in things we really can’t stand besides Julia Roberts, the smell of fish and curly hair. All 4 teams will beat up on each other, leaving the Giants as the only representative in the playoffs from this division, and the regressing TO-less Cowboys to bring up the rear. Bringing up the rear shouldn’t be an issue for Tony Homo. It will be for puppet coach Wade Phillips, who probably will be gone by season’s end

Boo-nus link: things will get berry confusing on Rocktober 11th when Dallas plays… Dallas? Yeah, Jerry Jones’ boys travel to Kansas City to play the Chiefs, who will take their field as the prior squad, the Dallas Texans, in one of 16 AFL Legacy Games

NFC North

Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers (9-7) will once again have to deal with hoopla and shadow surrounding Brett Favre and his new team, but his inability to play at his best for a full season in Wrangler jeans will keep the Minnesota Vikings (6-10) spinning their wheels for most of the season. If things get really bad expect Brad Childress to pull up the anchor and let the sex boat set sail again. There’s nowhere to look but up for the finally Matt Millen-less Detroit Lions (6-10), and hopefully that will bring some of their fanbase back to their gorgeous Ford Field home. If not, then maybe their ‘All You Can Eat’ ticket deal will make them come. It’s making us come, in our pants, as we’ll be heading there, without our pants, to see them probably beat the Redskins later this month. Jay Cutler’s the new sheriff for the Chicago Bears (7-9), and while the diabetesized gunslinger may be able to get the ball a little bit further downfield than his predecessors could, his 17-20 win/loss record as a starter will continue to stay sub par this season, and beyond

Boo-nus link: wonder if Cutler rox out to Wilford Brimley’s Diabetes Dance Mixes as much as we do?

NFC South

While he’s been rather quiet since he departed the G-men for the New Orleans Saints (11-5), we fully expect Jeremy Shockey to be a bit more vocal this year and replace Jimmy Hart as the unofficial mouth of the South. And he can do all the talkin he wants, cause cool Brees and his arsenal of WRs and RBs will do all the walkin, and stompin on all opposing defenses. Good to see that things are looking up for this once rather sad franchise. We can’t ever allow them to leave the Big Easy and go to Utah like the Jazz before them and become the Utah Saints. wait a second, that would be mad wicked yo, cause then they can pump ‘Something Good’ at all their home games. That would be many miles and kilometers better than that roooooooooooooar noise the Carolina Panthers (6-10) pump into their stadium. Wish they pumped it loud enuff that their ugly jerseys, logo and color scheme would vanish into thin air. Big question in ‘lina is whether DeAngeLo WillIamS will continue on his monstrous breakout year or return to his shit state the led up to itt? Doesn’t matter much cause Delhomme is still their QB and he isn’t eggzactly entering his prime rib or numbers. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11) gotz no mo Monte Kiffin, so you can easily kiffin them goodbye. That leaves the Atlanta Falcons (9-7) as the only other serious contender to hail from the South. Interesting to see how Michael Turner does this year against good run Ds, when his habit is to only do well against the bad ones. Either way, we doubt owner Arthur Blank (and his mustache) will ever have a blank stare on his face

Boo-nus link: get yer kicks on at Morten Andersen’s Boot Camp!

NFC West

We’re super pissed that the Seattle Seahawks (7-9) cheer squad, The Sea Gals, didn’t invite back our perennial flavorite Tessa into the fold, and this will curse them, in a sorta reverse effect dealio the Yankees eggspeareanced when they acquired Mike Mussina from the Orioles. This will pave the way for the recently hapless (btw, if it isn’t ‘less’ is it juss ‘hap’?) San Francisco 49ers (8-8) a
nd St Louis Rams (8-8) to return to the land of respectability. Mike Singletary’s joo-joo eyeballs will get the golddiggas to ‘come together’ and play their bestest ‘toe-jam football’, and somehow hold the tiebreaker over all the other NFC’s 8-8 teams to make it back into the playoffs. How sweet would that be? They haven’t been good since San Fran resident and fan Journeyman journeyed back to the past!! All three West teams will bow down to the fo & five reals Arizona Cardinals (10-6)… if Warner stays healthy. And if so, they will be Breaston Show!

Boo-nus link: with the Sea Gal dis to our girl Tessy, we’re totally throwing our love to the 9ers’ biznatches, The Gold Rush. if the organization ever wanted to raise some extra funds, they could always make a Gold Rush girl on many Gold Rush gals porn that will not only satisfy their male fans, but their Bay Area gay area ladies too!!

Seeds:
#1 NY Football Giants
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Green Bay
#5 Atlanta
#6 San Fran

NFC Champs: Nawlins in a barn bunsen burner over the leaders of the Pack!

Super Bowl Champs: Nawlins over the Ravens, 77-3!!!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Kevin Smith (catches a lot of passes too!), Reggie Bush (he’s very undervalued), Percy Harvin (on name alone), Donnie Avery and Tony Gonz, like crazy!!!

Wees Hates: Jay Cutler, any Redskin that isn’t Portis or Cooley, anyone on Tampa, Roy E Williams, Roy F Williams, Roy G Biv and the fixin’s bar at Roy Rogers

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Lesean McCoy, Glen Coffee (TAKE A SIP!), Josh Morgan (if Crabtree doesn’t play this year), Zona D (they get to play the S’hawks, 9ers and Rams twice each!), Brent Celek and Tom Selleck’s mustache

we had a change of farts and couldn’t dare deny you the pleasure of Meagaghhan Goood’s goods in a Hooters outfit, so hear wee gogh agrain…

peeweeviously:

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

we will always be pro-Tessa and not con-Tessa

czech out all the other goodies found within
Neiman Marcus’ Christmas Book

merry effin Yom Kippur and Kelly Kapoor to one and all!