Thighs Wide Shut

The Young Victoria
Teen Wolf To Queen Woof
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Showtime’s The Tudors has purty much spoiled the fun and taken the thunder outta every other filmed look back at a British monarch ever since it hit the airwaves. These thingses try and try, but they end up being a tad tame and rudimentary (esp see, or don’t see, The Other Boleyn Girl) when compared to the brilliant series (the NSFW bits surely don’t hurt), which will mos sadly end it’s reign next year (he’s running out of wives to discard). And with that said, Jean-Marc Vallée‘s treatment of Queen Victoria: The Early Years, with a whip-smart, brisk paced script by Julian Fellowes, does a purty decent job of turning out something wholeheartedly entertaining, albeit mildly informational (it’s bit hard to keep track of how all the players fit onto the playing field, but they all look and act so dangs good, esp dueling jerks Paul Bettany and Mark Strong). Where this royal treat excels like ells yeah, isn’t on Vicky’s (a game Emily Blunt) upbringing or ascension to a throne she doesn’t even know how to sit on, but on her courtship and eventul marriage to her soulmate cousin Albert (a mos eggsalad Rupert Friend, helping us 2 5get his prissy Chéri). Sure, their lovely love story’s been told zousand thymes over, but that doesn’t mean for a second that they shouldn’t do it a zousand thymes mo, cause nobody puts Albert in a can and juss leaves him there! You’ve got a friend in Rupert!

Albertopolis: when visiting lovely London, be sure to head to the Victoria & Albert Museum, home to one of our mos flavorite eggzibits of balls thyme, The Power of The Poster. and justin case you 5got, here’s our mos flavorite posters of balls thyme!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Young Vic opens in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Whatever Works
Seriously, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Woody Allen‘s European vacation, including the savory Match Point, the sultry Vicky Christina Barcelona, the fun poop Scoop, and the best of the lot, the underloved Cassandra’s Dream, was such a rousing success that it made the Griswold’s jaunt to the same continent look like a staycation. We hoped the Woodman’s sojourn would never end, but all good things come in their pants, we mean an end, and it was only a splatter of time before he returned to his native New York and park his paranoia. The question is, would his next NY-centric film continue on this new creative march, or juss be more of the same lameness that pre-littered his passport stamps, likeMelinda and Melinda, Small Time Crooksand anything else that was similar to Anything Else. And the answer is… same lameness

The pairing of Larry David and Allen, for his 40th gig as a writer/director, seemed like a stroke of genius, so how then did the finished product turn out to be such a whiff? Slain and pimple, Whatever Works doesn’t really work. It’s mildly amusing, but devoid of any real laffs, even if you wait the entire movie in vain for em. The script was supposedly an old one (is that why it feels so dated?) he had written with Zero Mostel in mind, but Mostel died before he could get it in motion, and it’s probably for the best, as it leaves the wonderful Front as the two’s only cinematic collaboration. David, who’s not really an actor, does a fine enuff job as misanthrope Boris Yellnikoff, but the role, basically a more perturbed version of Allen’s usual nervous nelly screen persona, doesn’t seem to fit into the world that the rest of the movie’s characters live in. Them other characters are sunny and delightful, and the actors playing them try their best with what they’re given. There’s Evan Rachel Wood, basically doing an Amy Adams impression as Boris’ southern Lolita belle Melodie St. Ann Celestine, Patricia Clarkson, as Wood’s conservative mother turned sexually awakened artist, Ed Begley Jr, as her uptight dad who has his own sexual awakening, and The Tudors‘ dreamboat Henry Cavill, who tries to steal Melodie away from Boris. Christopher Evan Welch also gets to show his face after playing the part of VCB‘s narrator. Yet w/o Boris in the picture, the film wouldn’t even be mildly amusing, it would be z-musing, as in snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzze fest ’87

So, what happened here? Did Woody loose his resurgent mojo on the flight back to JFK? It’s kinda hard to question a man who puts something new out each and every year, even if it doesn’t exactly feel new. Spankfuly, for his next joint Woody’s going back to the old country, and dragging Kidman, Watts, Brolin, Hopkins and Pinto along with him. We haven’t given up completely on his ability to churn out quality NY stories, so for now we’ll juss say, cheerio, but be back soon!

Goying With Our Emotions: NY Mag has a nice little article about the dying brand of Jewish humor that Woody and Larry bring to the table, but outside of Heebs, we doubt many people really care. the only thing goys really need to know about Jewish humor (that will never die) is some good ole Yiddish words and terms, so they too can kvetch like the chosen peoples, or at least understand what they’ve kvetching about. here’s 40 words to get ya started, and here’s two of the greatestest posters of balls thymes

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Anvil! The Story of Anvil
Til Megadeth Do Us Part
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

There are so many documentaries out there about those who have made it, but what about those who are less fortunate, who haven’t quite made it and are forever stuck in obscurity still trying to get to the top? Gawd bless the dreamers, for they give us hope that anything’s possible, even when it isn’t. That’s the story of Canadian trash metal band Anvil, and although Sacha Gervasi(writer of The Terminal and an upcoming Herve Villechaize biopic)’s doc is the story of Anvil (sez so in the title), it’s more about the story of Anvil today than the complete history of Anvil. Guess there’s more humor and sadness looking at their current state of affairs than dwelling on their past, when fame was in their grasp, but were never able to grab hold of it. The line-up has changed over the years, but the core (Jew) duo of lead singer/guitarist Steve ‘Lips’ Kudlow and drummer
Robb Reiner juss don’t know the definition of quitting, even if that’s what they probably should have done ages ago. Now that the film has found a nice sized audience, setting the twitterverse a blaze with gushing mentions, and the band has been asked to open for AC/DC on a couple of dates next month, quitting no longer is a viable option. Yet when the attention dies down, will they go right back to shmosville? Anvil is mos def worth a peepers, but if yer looking for bigger dreams and perhaps even more heartbreak, czech out The Devil & Daniel Johnston, Chasing Ghosts and In The Realms of The Unreal (and if yer really hard up, here’s a nice list of docs to keep ya busy)

Burn In URL: be sure to czech out Anvil’s website, which looks like it was hobbled together by Mennonites from 1807 (we mean that as a complement), which includes hot merchandise and medium rare photos

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Whatever Works is not working today in NY/LA only, while Anvil is hammering it home in select cities across the country

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

haves yous beens keeping up with The Tudors, and their franztastic third season? probably not, cause you either don’t have Showtime (understandable), hate history (what, are you more into math shows like Numb3r5?), loathe watching nekkid women be nekkid (which makes no sense since everyone loves nekkid chicks, including gay dudes and straight chicks and even eunuchs!), or perhaps you juss can’t deal with the high turnover on characters, since most of em end up headless, thanks to Henry The VIII (we feel you, even though we’re not physically feeling you, although we’d love to physically feel the dearly departed Anne Boleyn [NSFW])

well, poop on you if haven’t been keeping up, cause The Tudors be like watching a yumcredible movie that keeps unspooling delights week after week (did we mention the nekkid chicks?). one of the major reasons why this season has continued to rock the yum is the usage of the King’s first and mostly forgotten daughter Mary, who is now a bit more growns up. having her as a familiar face in the kingdom’s court/show is almos more bestness than the nekkid chicks being nekkid [NSFW], even though she keeps her robes on! and why? cause she’s played to innocent perfection by Sarah Bolger, whom you may remember as the eldest daughter from the mos eggsalad tearjerker In America, which costarred her sister Emma. good to know that Bolger’s the real deal and will probably have a solid career in the decades to come. she’ll next be seen in Roy Scheider‘s final movie, Iron Cross, as well as in our dreams, with the Tudors main theme song [d] playing in the background. look, we know she’s no Ashlynn Brooke [NSFW], but she’s mos def a cutie pie mcgee, in that Irish/Scottish/Welsh/British/United Kingdom we don’t get sunlight kinda way. to sum it up, The Tudors totally rox it, so does Sarah Bolger, and if she’s ever having lunch, we’d love to be her ploughman

Flawless
A Safe Bet
Trailers & Mo

Director Michael Radford may not be a household name, but he probably should be. Every time he comes to bat he always connects with the ball, and does it many different ballparks ( Il Postino, 1984, The Merchant of Venice ). His latest entry, Flawless, continues that most quiet hitting streak. It pairs a sultry bidness woman, Demi Moore (welcome back!), and a crusty old janitor, Michael Caine (like a fine wine, he only gets better with age), as they attempt to rob the diamond company they both work for and feel slighted by. It has the same 60s look and feel as Mad Men, but stuff actually happens besides people smoking and drinking in their offices. If you see one heist film this spring, (please) make it the Bank Job [TWS review]. If yer thirsty for mo, while Flawless may not be as outright thrilling or flashy as Job, it has enough merit and stinkin badges to give it a go. Plus it makes up for that Joel Suckmacher flick of the same name where PS Hoffman gays up DeNiro Who’s That Girl: Moore’s character tells the film’s story in retrospect to a cutie patootie reporter. It took us the entire film to figure out who the hell she was: The Tudors Natalie Dormer, who was sporting a much mo fitting blond mane

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers!!

Chapter 27
I Saw Him Standing There
Trailers & Mo

One question has plagued our mind for ages: why would anyone ever want to kill John Lennon? There will never be any sensible answers and Chapter 27, which chronicles the days leading up to Mark David Chapman’s murder of the Walrus, didn’t seem to come up with anything finite either, juss more questions. So on to our next question (which hasn’t really plagued us for any longer than 8 minutes): how do you fill an entire movie about a deranged guy who waits outside in the cold day and night at the Dakota for John Lennon to come out and play? For the restless out there, you’ll be screaming at the screen for Chapman to hurry up and carry out his dastardly deed, but alas, you’ll juss have to wait til the very end. Everything leading up to the moment includes, standing, standing, standing, more standing, even more standing, shrugging off the cold, annoying Lindsay Lohan and Judah Friedlander (secretly one of the best supporting actors nick goings), record shopping, walking in Central Park, being crazy in hotel rooms, a little bit more standing and non-stop blather about Holden Caulfield (he’s the dude in Catcher In The Rye for those who never took one high school English class). Sounds captivating, eh? Luckily Jared Leto, who portrays Chapman, provides all the meat and the sizzle (which he musta had to intake like crazy off screen to pack on the pounds to look more like the MDC). Say what you will about Leto, but he has always given 111% of himself in any movie he’s appeared in (OK, maybe not in Urban Legend). As was the case with Truman Captoe, Chapman got two movies made about him around the same time. The other, which we haven’t seen, is called The Killing of John Lennon. It actually looks a lot better than 27, although its lead actor doesn’t appear to be able to play an asshole quite like Leto can. And lets be honest, is there any better asshole than Mark David Chapman? Well, there’s John Hinckley, but he doesn’t even deserve a movie, and if he did, please don’t bother asking Jodie Foster to participate

A Not So Kodak Moment: hours before Lennon was gunned down by Chapman, he gave him his autograph. Here it be

[The Cemetery of Rock]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Run Fat Boy Run
Close To Running On Empty
Trailers & Mo

David Schwimmer’s directorial debut (what, did you stop reading already?) is such a textbook example of a rom-com that we wouldn’t have been sirprized if it was written by Houghton Mifflin (not to be confused with Dunder Mifflin, snatchurally). It was actually co-written by Michael Ian Black, and it confirms once again that any script penned by an ex-Statesmen isn’t all that funny (save Wet Hot American Summer). The rom part of film aint very antic either, yet somehow we were completely charmed by this commonplace tale of an immature everyman trying to win back the love of his life by way of running in a marathon. The everyman in question is Simon Pegg (he’s also the other co-writer), and without him (and his BFF Dylan Moran), this flick woulda fallen flatter than Pat. This may be the least comical comedy he’s starred in, but you’ll be rooting for the ‘fat boy’ from start to finish, even if he did leave hottie supreme Thandie Newton preggers at the altar in the opening scene

We Want In Dia!: India de Beaufort may have a thankless role in the film, but who really cares when she makes us spankmore

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): against our butter judgment, we say Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hats Off
The Old Woman And The Must See
Trailer & Mo

You’ve probably never heard of actress/model/lover of life Mimi Weddell. She may look familiar, but unless you’re a woman or are extremely gay then you probably didn’t see one of her more ‘major’ roles as Stanford’s Grandmother on Sex In The City. Thankfully, for the rest of us, we’ll get our first taste of the sophisticated hat collecting lady, who started acting at age 65 when her husband passed on, in this truly uplifting doc. If she can’t inspire you to get up and do stuff with her ‘rise above it’ mantra, then no one can. Hats off to you Mrs Weddell!

Honor Whitewoman: Mimi was named one of the ’50 Most Beautiful People in New York’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

all flicks open in limited release today, cept for Fat Boy, which opens nationwide

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Other Boleyn Girl
Twisted Sisters
Trailers & Mo

We all know about the six wives of Henry VIII, but any other woman who shared his bed has basically been all but forgotten over time. That’s what The Other Boleyn Girl hopes to fix, as it focuses on Anne Boleyn and her sister Mary and how their father and uncle practically whored them both out to win the favor and riches of the King. The results are a mixed bag, as Boleyn plays out like a less sexy, less historic version of TV’s The Tudors. And by less sexy, we mean it has ZERO bits of nudity, quite unlike its TV cousin. Yet somehow, between the crummy accents and soap operatics, which made many a woman in the audience LOL, this puppy is totally entertaining from ftart to sinish. Btw, Jim Sturgess is so hottttttttttt as the Boleyn guy

The Other Other: back in 2003, the BBC released a cheap-o version starring Natascha McElhone

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

City of Men (Cidade dos Homens)
Favela of Love & Hate
Trailers & Mo

City of Men isn’t really a sequel to City of God, but more of a culmination of the TV series of the same name, which followed two kids, Acerola and Laranjinha (Li’l Dice and Steak and Fries from CoG), who try their best to keep their heads afloat in the nasty favelas of Rio de Janeiro. So if City of God was the Goodfellas for the 00’s, then City of Men is purty much the same thing that Casino was, a very worthy successor, yet not nearly as yumcredible as the original gangster. If you can get over that fact, then you’ll enjoy it for its own merits. We recommend watching the TV series before you hit up the movie, but it’s not required, like jackets for Phil Collins’ albums

In The Beginning: before there was City of Men and City of God there was the short film Palace II, which also starred our Men Douglas Silva and Darlan Cunha, although oddly enuff, playing the opposite roles

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Chicago 10
Courtroom Drama and Comedy
Trailers & Mo

Documentarian Brett Morgen has the great ability to take a fascinating subject and somehow make it even more fascinating by the way he presents the story. For those who saw the Robert Evans doc, The Kid Stays in the Picture, you know what we speak of. And if you don’t then boy/girl, you better Netflix the shiz outta it AwarrenSAPP! Anywho, his latest, Chicago 10, is juss more of the same from the brilliant filmmaker. Employing archival footage, modern day music, and animation that grows on you by the minute, Morgen tells the incredible tale of the protests that turned violent around the 1968 Democratic National Convention being held in Chicago, and the ensuing courtroom circus, where 8 people (plus their two lawyers, and that’s your 10) were tried for conspiracy and other charges related to the protests. You aint seen anything like this, and heard too, as the toon’s voices are supplied by the likes of Nick Nolte, Mark Ruffalo, Roy Scheider (RIP), Liev Schreiber, Jeffrey Wright and Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Further Reading: another flick that used the trial’s transcript was 1970’s The Great Chicago Conspiracy Circus

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

The Counterfeiters (Die Fälscher)
This Year’s Oscar Winning Holocaust Movie
Trailers & Mo

We didn’t find anything all too special about The Counterfeiters, but we heard it’s inhumane to say anything negative about a film that takes place in a concentration camp, so we’ll juss not say anything… cept… this never woulda won best Foreign Language pic had Diving Bell, Persepolis or 4 Months, 3 Weeks been nominated

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…