X-Men: Apocalypse
Sophie Page Turner
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 144 min

Oh, hey – another superhero movie!  But ya know what?  I’ve come to the realization that out of ALL the superhero franchises in existence – I like the X-Men ones the most, and I’m not even really an X-Men kinda guy (my peeps are The New Teen Titans of the late 80s, early 90s).  I think I’ve liked or super-liked every single one of the X-Men movies, even the Brett Ratner one (but not really the solo Wolverine ones, which doesn’t make much sense as to why they aren’t so great, cause Hugh as Wolvie is SO great)

Well, this X-Men movie may not be perfect (Oscar Isaac‘s mummy resurrected bad guy was kinda cool, but the final battle vs him wasn’t so much), but I am on board with whatever this movie is.  Mainly cause…

they don’t let Olivia Munn talk! (she’s in an insult to actors everywhere who cannot get employed, while she is)

and Evan Peters as the super fast dude is STILL the fcuking BBBBBBBBBBBBBEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but more importantester than ANYTHING… 

Sophie Turner is sooooooo SUPER fine, in leather, and not in leather

(I’m a sucker for redheads, in leather, and not in leather)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

X-Men is about to X-it theaters soon!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

X-Men: Days of Future Past
Out With The Old, In With The New Old
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we love us some Patrick Stewart as Professor X and Ian McKellen as Magneto, and sure, sure, sure, we’re VERY happy to have them back – but they’re barely in or register in Bryan Singer‘s third directorial turn in the X-Men franchise - Days of Future Past.  How is that possible?  Cause the new guys playing the old guys - James McAvoy & Michael Fassbender – are so X-cellent that we don’t even really need the old dudes anymore.  OK, OK, so there’s a lot of appeal to having all involved – like in that Star Trek Generations type way – but really, who needs it.  First Class was… first class.  New school rules.  New school should stay in session.  But didn’t you juss forget about Hugh Jackman as Wolverine?  Ooops, I did.  And while Pat Stew and Ian McK were unnecessary, Hugh Jax was totally necessary!  CAUSE WE GOT TO SEE HIS BUTT!!!   But why do these new movies work so well, and sorta make us forget about the old movies?  Cause they don’t take place in the boring present.  Part of it takes places in a weird future, but most of it takes place in the awesome past – and this time – it’s the Tricky Dicky 70s!  

AND RFK STADIUM MAKES THE GREASTESTETESTSTST STADIUM CAMEO IN A MOVIE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Jennifer Lawrence still sucks.  Oh, and Evan Peters is the fcuking best.  When he gonna play Jack White in a biopic called Jack White & Red All Over?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

X-Men x-cells at a theater near jews

and oh, these posters are the fcuking baaaaaast!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

X-Men: First Class
When We Were Tweens
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

There’s all kinda stuff goings on and off in Matthew Vaughn‘s X-Men prequel, but most of it is not much of consequence (wow, mutant kids meet other mutant kids for the first time, AND THEN they get to hone their skillz, in a super slow montage!), since prequels are usually pointlessly redundant ways of taking more of our cash for something we already know well about (wait, Magento was a holocaust survivor???  wait, Professor X used to be able to walk and then one day he couldn’t???). And since this film’s trailer (a damn fine one) puts on display all the juicy actiony content (that Cuban missile crises sh#t was still pretty cool!!), the bits that are worth the price of admission are the wits-y ones.  You know, watching brainy studs Magsy & Proffy X forge a BFFship and then sees it fall apart (we still rooted for it to work, even though we KNEW it wouldn’t)

Watching James McAvoy think and act like Jean-Luc Picard, and Michael Fassbender snarl and snap like an evil Gandolf, while both adding their own flourishes to the characters, was the only thing first class about the film, and that’s almos good enuff for us.  But why employ Kevin Bacon as yer main bad guy?  He was only scary and creepy when he was invisible and groping chicks in that Verhoeven movie.  And don’t know why everyone’s getting all over January Jones‘ case.  She has the very egggzact same amount of acting talent that Academy Award nominee Jennifer Lawrence does —  negative 5.  Lawrence is more blah as the conflicted blue chick than JJ is at looking hot in a movie where she was solely cast to look hot in.  Lawrence is more like X-Men WURST CLASS!!!!!  It’s true, cause we said so.  Oh, and Rose Byrne‘s in this, but she’s not a mutant, so she serves no purpose, but we’re not going to complain about her undercover (but sadly NOT under the covers) lingerie work.  Oh, and Nicholas Hoult was pretty good as Frasier with furry feet, even though he wasn’t wearing a super gay pink angora sweater.  He should get that sweater written into all of his contracts

Fassbestness: see Mikey F sizzle and dazzle in last year’s brilliant Fish Tank OR ELSE!!  but you’re probably a smarty jones and listened to us and already saw this!  if so, pat yerself on the back, and then yer balls

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

X-Men hits the spot enuff, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Logan’s Run-On
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

You’d think with a spin-off of a mighty popular movie franchise, featuring its moist mighty popular character, that the production would actually spend a good deal of money (is there such a thing as a ‘bad deal of’ anything?) on top of the line special effects, right? So what then is the story with X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which features dodgy CGI that looks about as complex as the flight simulator the monkeys played with in 1987’s Project X? What? That’s not the finished version of the film that we watched? You mean to also tells us that them on-screen ADR directions weren’t subtitles of what the character was saying in a mutant language? That’s not what the dude in the trench coat in the dimly lit parking garage led us to believe when he handed us a DVD copy of this film with a label written in sharpie, and told us we had to watch it ‘as is’ or else he was going to kill our Queen and our Secretary of State-ments. We take all threats of Thighland’s national security vary seriously, and when that involves making tough choices like the one in which we were presented, sometimes you have to task not what your country can poop for you, but what poop can who flung on your country. Huh? Yeah, whatevaaaaa

Full-on CGI or not, Wolverine is about as good as any of the other X-Men movies, so take that for twatever it’s worth. To us, it doesn’t really mean shiz since we couldn’t really tell the difference between the three blah blah X-Mens, including that Brett Shatner one. They were decent enuff super hero flicks, but this caped crusader franchise is easily the least memorable of them all (plus everyone knows that DC Comics so kicks Marvel’s a$$, and anyone who disagrees can lick Aquaman’s chocolate starfish). Hugh Jackman is totally jacked and hughed and game for this adventure, but if this were a Choose Your Own Adventure, we’d probably choose a different path for him to follow. We did like the shaz in the beginning where Wolfy and his equally facial hair gifted bro are fighting in every American war known to man, eggecept for the Cola Wars, and all the action sequences that follow throughout are kinda tight, like a man’s anus, but the filler in between, endless military talk, medical experiments and running from one locale to the next, isn’t eggzactly our idea of eggcitment. Tis kinda a shame it turned out to be so rudimentary, hispecially since they roped in a prestige director (Gavin Hood of Tsotsi fame… then again, Gavid Hood is also of Rendetion disfame. shame what Hollywood can do to a talented filmmaker), sum thespian best-ians (Liev Schreiber and Danny Huston) + eye candy for the ladies (Ryan Reynolds, Dominic Monaghan, Taylor Kitsch & that a$$hole from Lost, cause ladies love the a$$holes). Then again, this thing was doomed not to rule as soon it was revealed that Will.i.Am‘s mutant power was being a CNN hologram

Mutton Chop Phooey: where would Wolverine be (or any of us cool kids for that splatter) w/o Ambrose Burnside and his mutton chops? the man’s last name, in reverse, gave rise to one of the illest, moist important words of balls thyme… SIDEBURNS ^{[citation needed]}

Verdictgo: it wouldn’t be fair for us to give one, so if yer a crazy X-fan, see it in a theater, and if you’ve had enuff X-crap, then you can stay away and rela-X at home (at watch the legboot)

The Soloist
Cello Darkness My New Friend
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The Soloist is less about Nathaniel Ayers, a once promising Julliard student turned schizophrenic homeless virtuoso (Jamie Foxx, showing off his incredible ability for mimicry, like he did with Ray) and more about Steve Lopez, the jaded LA Times reporter who discovers and gives cover to him (Robert Downey Jr, so effin hammazin as a journalist once again, juss like in Zodiac… did you ever see that movie? juss had to ask for the 4 zillionth thyme). So much so that The Journalist woulda been a more apt title. As the great Time Werespanko pointed out to us, disability movies aren’t about the disabled, but about the person who has to help them. His main example was Rain Man, sayin it wouldn’t have worked tat all had Tom Cruise not been so balls to the walls in it (yet no Oscar nom for Tom? boo-urns!). Tis true what he says and the same thinking applies here, although The Soloist is Rain Main w/o the thunder and lightening cause it covers the feelings bases well, but not so much in the telling a story department. It does try to send a heavy handed message about the larger issue of homelessness in LA, and while it doesn’t fully succeed in getting it across, it was certainly worth trying to do so. Wees thinking that The Soloist was all over the place due to the fact that Joe Wright is out of his usual element here, directing a film that plays out in the modern era and is not starring Keira Knightley (although he did bring along his creepy friend Mr Collins from P&P). And yet despite its many flaws, we took to this beautiful film, as the performances elicited a few tears here and there, which is a sure sign of a fantabolous movie. So, have no fears for tears, or slapdash presentation, and go and see this flick that briefly stars a guy with one of the bestest IMDb headshots we’ve ever seeeeen

60 Minutes Divided By 5: justin case you missed the real deal, watch Morley Safer’s more rounded story on Mr Lopez and Mr Ayers… which also elicited tears from us. what can we say, we’re suckers for things that don’t suck

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Wolverine opens at a theater near Jews on Friday, where The Soloist is already isting

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

X-Men: The Last Stand
If Brett Ratner Is Shit, Can We Call Him Shatner?
Trailers

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Seems like X3‘s script was carefully attuned to who was still under contract for future adventures and who was not. And with that in mind, you know a bunch of the biggies are gonna fall, while the smallies would stand tall. Had the biggies (who rival Wendy’s Biggie fries) known that Bryan Singer was goin to leave em hangin with Brett ‘One of the Mos Worthless Jews Who’s Worth A Lot’ Ratner they may have restructured their contracts to end with numero dos. While that opening bitchslap that I juss dee livered may sound like this is the second summer helping of Das BOO, it’s still an entertaining movie. But then again, when has a super hero flick of this decade been completely unwatchable (sans anything involving Ben Affleck or his loved ones)?

So, now that we know some Men-Xers bite the dust, or whatever mutants do, this should make for a mos engaging evening. But alas, even with more shocks than the opening scenes of Shocker [trailer], this movie is more empty than a can of Beefaroni after Isak got to it. And once again this installment falls victim to my main issue with the entire series: THERE ARE WAY TO MANY FRIGGIN CHARACTERS TO KEEP TRACK OFF, even if 1/2 of them are super yummy. But as the biggies begin to drop, we realize that what we’re left with blows more than 94’s Fantastic Four starring the Boy Who Could Fly, but sadly (or is it gladly?) not the Girl Who Is Fly. And don’t even get me started on the dreadful CGI. Shaz looks like it was made on Fisher Price’s My Very First George Lucas Ruins Movies Playset

And regardless of what u’ve been told, staying past the credits is a waste of yer time. Ferris comes out and tells us all to go home. HOW ORIGINAL!!

Recommended for those who like: the long-overspew return of Rosemary Cross, to see Rebecca Romijn as Aeon Flux, and the Araz family matriarch

Possible Porno Name: seX-Men: The Left Hand

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix season 4 of Six Feet Under and watch Ben Foster embody one of the least likeable characters in TV history, Russell Corwin

Apt MPupil3: ‘She’s Like The Wind’ by Patrick Swayze [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Josef Sommer, who plays the Prez, has also played Woodrow Wilson, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Gerald Ford, and although not a Commander in Chimp, he did invent D.A.R.Y.L.

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Ron Howard shoulda directed this and Ratpoo shoulda takin on Da Vinci, cause it was gonna suck anyways. Anypoo, Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Wearing My Pryde On My Sleeve Cum Rag: I’m with Justin, cept I’d make #3, #1, caus ELLEN ‘TURNS ME ON LIKE I TURN HER’ PAGE!!!

(don’t fret, juss fap, she’s 19)