Thighs Wide Shut

meat the adorable cutie pie mcgee guest star from last week’s Gossip Girl Laura Leigh. she’s a recent Juilliard grad with two first names and no IMDb profile. she’ll be appearing in some play next month starring Jason Bigggggs. we want to pinch her cheeks, both sets

Jenna Fischer has a new beau, and sadly it’s not us or Beau Bridges

Lohag’s dressing up as a lesbian for Halloween

Kenley Spears hottier than Kenley Collins

the Jonas Bros get to molest Camille Belle and her eyebrows. wonder if this plea for her hand in marriage had anything to do with it

where have you gone Joe Dimaggio? and moist importantly, where the fred funk have you gone YouTube’s ‘original size’ button?

Deconstruction of Famous Personalities

Struggling Mets Combine To Form Carlos Voltron

What is the meaning of PEZ?

Coney Island Beard and Moustache Competition

Gameboy

SFW XXX, probably not so SFW [Time Werespanko]

we’re off to B-town tonight for mad ranch sauce farts
so no postage tomorrow
so get yer stamps st else wear

Burn After Reading
Fire Safety In Numbers
Trailers & Mo

If the Coen Bros never made No Country For Old Men, and Burn After Reading was the movie that followed up their uninspired, rudimentary Intolerable Cruelty and spirited, yet underwhelming Ladykillers, then it would be without question that their filmmaking skills were in serious decline. Yet, we can’t think like that cause No Country did happen, and in a huge way (4 frickin Oscars, a David, a Sierra and even a Saturn!), re-establishing them as geniuses for the longtime fans and putting them on the map for the other people with woolite over their eyes for the past two decades. BAR may be a minor work in the Coens’ canon, but coming off No Country, it’s nice to be treated to one of their fun and frivolous little diversions littered with their usual quirky characters and crazy capers, regardless if it all adds up to something meaningful or not. Sure, BAR aint in the same league as Raising Arizona and Lebowski (happy 10th anniversary!), but we’ll take the Coens’ Ocean 8 (with Malkovich and his endless use of the word ‘f&ck’ edging out Brad Pitt and his hair as the film’s main draw) over any of Steven Soderbergh’s three lifeless and narcissistic all-star fests. Still, the Coens’ do share one thing in common with Nerderbergh: an inability to make us love George Clooney, even if he can grow a beard that looks similar to ours and Jack’s

Pushing Daisy: Satan’s Alley has got some competition for bestest faux film of the year with the Dermot Mulroney-Claire Danes rom-com Pushing Up Daisy, which makes several apperances in BAR. The Coens’ even filled out all the credits on the poster, tapping Sam Raimi as the director and basing it off of a Cormac McCarthy novel [USA TooGay]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Righteous Kill
The GodAWFULFather
Trailers & Mo

Imagine watching Dexter (for those of you missing out on one of the breastest shows on intellivision, Dex is a forensics expert who moonlights as a serial killer of really bad peoples who escape justice), minus the style and substance, and you don’t know which character is Dexter (we’re led to believe that Robert DeNiro’s the killer….), and by the time it’s revealed (…but there has to be a twist at the end, so guess who ends up being the killer????), you’re either too bored to death or too deathed to bored to even care. That purty much sums up Righteous Kill, the Italian-American equivalent of The Forbidden Kingdom, another 2008 flick that paired two former box office titans on the same screen, about 10+, or in this case 20+ years too late (we won’t count their 9 seconds together in Heat). The only good to come out of this mano e causing mono is the revelation that in this day and age, Robert DeNiro is by far the more annoyingierer actor of the two. We know that sounds more ludicrous than Ludacris eating only Luden’s cough drops, but it’s truly true. Juss compare and contrast their recent resumes (see Pacino in The Insider and The Merchant of Venice if you haven’t already). This movie blows more than all the blow-up dolls found in the Blow-Pop factory in Blowlivia. They shoulda burned this film after making it, cause if you end up seeing this hunk o skunk you’ll want to burn yer eyes after viewing. No real big sirpize here, coming from director Jon Avnet, who last wasted our and Al Pacino’s time earlier this year with the inept sloppy thriller 88 Minutes. We wished that giant mess was only 8 minutes long, but compared to Righteous Borefest, it’s Citizen Kane II!!

Fists Like A Glover: Avnet can eat our choda, but we’re glad he keeps casting hottie Trilby Glover (she was in both 88 and Righetous). if she and Juno’s BFF Olivia Thirlby merged into one person they’d be Trilby Thirlby (or Olivia Glover for you lame-wads). here be some niiice snaps of Alicia Silverstone 2.0 in Maxim. and here’s one of her with Chevy Chase

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

both films are currently playing at a theater near jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we don’t really know anything about football, cept we love it slightly more than our parents and beating off. yet that won’t stop us from predicating the upcoming season, like we have for the past 2 seasons. this year we hactually looked at the entire schedule and figured out who would win and lose each game. you’ll see each team’s record forecast next to their name in parentheses. and w/o further Freddy Adu…

NFC East

You’d think that whomever wears the NFC Beast’s (aka the NFL’s toughest division) crown would be tested enuff to have a clear path to the Super Bowl, but don’t tell that to puppet coach Wade Phillips and the crazy talent loaded Dallas Cowboys (13-3), who haven’t won a playoff game since 1996. Last year’s second in command, the New York Giants (8-8), won more road games last year than Cormac McCarthy facing off against Jack Kerouac on a cross-country Parker Bros tournament to make it to, and beyond sirprizingly win the Super Bowl. Well, the Giants are still a good team, even w/o Gap Tooth McGee, but we expect Eli to return to Earth and his errant passes to stop landing on the velcro attached to his receivers helmets, and juss miss the cut for the playoffs. Everyone’s been hyping up the Super Bowl winless Philadelphia Iggles (6-10), but you juss know that either McSnobb or Westbroke or both will incur some kinda injury and prevent something kinda wonderful from happening. Maybe they should juss forget about chasing Lea Thompson’s skirt [NSFW] and juss bang the drums of Mary Stuart Masterson. As for our beloved Washington Redskins (10-6), we never expect much from them any mo, but they have a wild card in their brand spankin new coach Jim Zorn(!!!!!!!). It could be a complete disaster or it could be the miracle that Chief Zee and the rest of the Redskins faithful have been waiting for since 1992. And if the worst happens, we wouldn’t mind seeing the way too slowly developing Jason Campbell get benched in favor of Billy Dee William’s favorite malt quarterback Colt Brennan. Remember kiddies, the last two times the Giants won the Super Bowl, the Skins won the following year

Boo-nus link: we’re looking fwd to more YouTube madness this season from BradyFan83. his bestest work to date is his Daniel Snyder coaching search laff riot titled Who The Hell Should I Hire

NFC North

Does anyone outside of the Great Lakes area care about this division? Didn’t stinks so. They may have the bestest color combos in the league (well, besides the AFC North), but this isn’t Project Runway and none of them are as bangable as Kenley Collins (bi the gay, we totally wantz to remake The Notorious Bettie Page with her, and have to keep shooting multiple takes of all the nekkid scenes [NSFW]). Farve is gone, so this division is up for grabs. Any takers? The Green Bay Packers (7-9) won’t fall apart, but they won’t be as good without the Wrangler Jeans man, and soon they’ll be sorry that they didn’t let him throw the rest of his career’s interceptions at Lambeau (bi the gay part 38238128, dearly departed Sean Taylor intercepted the pass that put Farve alone atop of the all-time list). You don’t hear Jon Kitna making any bold predictions this year about the Detroit Lions (5-11), so it will come down to the Minnesota Vikings (9-7) and Kyle Orton’s neckbeard, aka the Chicago Bears (9-7). They both have sh&tty QBs, but the rest of their squadrons will make up for their shortcomings. The Vikes will edge out the Monsters of Midgay with a slightly better divisional record, and ruin it all by having a sex boat party, with Coach Childress offering mustache rides all night

Boo-nus link: last year for Halloween Kitna dressed up as Lions’ naked Wendy’s midnight running coach Joe Cullen. it’s gonna be hard to top that this year, but might we suggest that he go as former coach Wayne Fontes dressed up like Cobra Commander

NFC South

For some reason, our mouths water like Ricky ever thyme we think of the NFC South. Probably has something to do with the fact that Popeyes comes from New Orleans (11-5) and Bojangles from Charlotte, where the Carolina Panthers (9-7) call home (take that people from South Carolina who root for em!). The Atlanta Falcons (6-10) are surrounded by fine soul food as well, but the teams with the fried chicken and biscuit sangwiche
s will rule our hearts, and this division. Plus they are still reeling from the Michael Vick dog days of summer and the straight up awful quitting of former coach Bobby Petrino. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-10) got Warrick Dunn back and we’ll take that as a sign of them going backwards… right to the cellar of the NFC South. There’s no way Drew Brees will start the season again with 4 straight losses, 1 TD and NINE INTs! They’ll make up for it big time with Deuce back in the hole and Visigoth Jeremy Shockey doing those silly antics that he anticizes so well. Man, are we hungry, but not as hungry as Charles Mann eating a Swanson’s Hungry Man dinner!

Boo-nus link: skip the beer this fall and sip on Bobby Hebert’s Cajun Cannon Cabernet, in the name of charity, of course

NFC West

In the shockers of all shockers, not involving Jeremy Shockey (and Tara Reid), Hank Shocklee, the shocker or the cast of the refarted Wes Craven movie Shocker, the Arizona Cardinals (10-6), on the grocery baggin back of Kurt Warner, will knock the Seattle Seahawks (9-7) off the NFC West throne that they’ve occupied for 4 straight years. The Seahawks are hurtin at WR and have to lean heavily on the RBBC o’ Julius Jones and Maurice Morris. Having one RB with the same letter to begin both his first and last name is one thing, but when you have two, the world may juss explode. Don’t blame me if this happens, cause Nostradamus’ quatrains containing quadrangles said their right quads will rupture and that George W Bush will win a 3rd term and that John Kerry will never look cool throwing or catching a football. And we all know he called that last one right on da money so be careful peoples!!!! Both the San Francisco 49ers (7-9) and the St Louis Rams (6-10) won’t be as shitastic as they were before, but they’ll have to deal with more growing pains than Carol Seaver

Boo-nus link: apparently our main SeaGal Tessa was the last one picked to make this year’s squad. don’t fret Tess, cause yer #1 in our heart(throbbing)

Seeds:
#1 Dallas
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Minnesota
#5 Redskins
#6 Carolina

NFC Champs: Nawlins over the Cowboys in a high scoring affair

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Marion the Barberion, Plax, Michael Turner, Kevin Smith, Nate Burleson, Witten, Chris Cooley and his wife

Wees Hates: McBlabb, anyone on Tampa, Viking & Redskins WRs

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: DeSean Jackson, Devin Hester, Josh Morgan, Kevin Boss and The Big Sleep

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include that hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?

yous thoughts wrongs!

stay pooned for our AFC puddin poptacular!

peeweeviously:

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

we was up in nowheresville, ME this past tweakend, celebratin the union of our baseball seeking [wav] man Mavkrus and his blushing bride. there was nuttin really to do up there besides drink and screw, so we killed 2 birds with one stone and drank screwdrivers! (not really, but it’s more poetic if we said we did)

welcome to gawd’s country


where the mountains are larger and more beautiful
than Katie Downes‘ [NSFW]

and every third bidness is named Moosehead something

yet we didn’t see one moose whilst wees was there
although we talked frequently about Daryl Johnston

this ghetto Lobster Roll Express

was more humorous than The Pineapple Express

lobster meat and mayo are a deadly combo

and so are our lobster farts and anyone’s nose

you like Red Sox ice cream Doc?

we bet it has a winning taste
unlike, say, Washington Nationals ice cream
which probably tastes like last place

the last time we went canoeing

it sucked cause the joint was only burning on one side

beards rule!

but not as much as our readers!

we took a leak on this island

and pooped on your head!

apparently dog drowning is legal in Maine

and so is (javier) boredom

we’re so pissed that rainbows have been stolen by gay people

as well as banging people in the butt

a sign of the thymes

that can suck our wake

cause at Woody’s the drinks are as wet as the chicks

and the cash in the ceiling rules everything around us

so C.R.E.A.M., get the money and CREAM, in your pants

and never throw in the towel

The Chronicles of Narnia:
Prince Caspian
Caspian See Worthy
Trailers & Mo

With news of two Hobbit flicks on the horizon, our LOTR void doesn’t seem quite as large as it once was, but that doesn’t mean we’ve completely given up on jonesing for it dight and nay. That’s where the Narnia Chronicles perfectly fits in, as their cinematic versions are like kiddie LOTRs. They’re also less muddled (and almos more entertaining) than the Potter movies, which suffer time and time again from trying to cram so much story (and that poinltess broom game) into so little time. Narnia 1 [TWS review with complete deconstruction of its DNA kiss and make-up] wasn’t beyond fraztastic, or thunderome for that matter, but it was what it needed to be and that was purty above aiiiiight with us. Narnia 2 is overall a lot better than 1, cause the action is grander (although you never see any blood), and while it may not be as magical or mythical as the first one, it’s more human, and therefore easier to sink yer teeth into

Caspian finds the four Pevensie kids (btw, why are all the male kids in that family so fargin hot, like William Moseley, who auditioned for the Harry Potter lead, and the girls are juss so plain jane, although we can’t really talk smack about Judy Garland doppelganger Georgie Henley, who isn’t even of a Bat Mitzvah age yet) a year removed from their adventures through the wardrobe. They’ve been summoned back to Narnia, but in that world 1,300 years have passed, and everything they knew has pretty much been destroyed. Luckily for us, that means less talking animals, although there are still some, like an annoying Eddie Izzard voiced mouse. Anywho, they’ve come back to help Prince Caspian (played by Ben Barnes, who’s acting is as wooden as the swords we used to buy at the Renaissance festival) reclaim his throne from his evil bearded uncle and evil bearded friends, and eventually become the new king of Narnia. That’s purty much the story, which takes a lil bit o thyme to get going, but once the action kicks in, this thang is totally sweet! Plus we get lil cameos from Wes Anderson and Arslan/Jesus/Liam Neeson’s voice, which almos made us cry when he eventually showed his mane. Not sold yet? Well, where else are you gonna see the giants of acting dwarfdom, Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis, chew up the scenery together or punch people in the groin (please note that they don’t punch anyone in the groin, although they should have cause its much easier for dwarves to do that than taller people)?

Step-Up Son: CS Lewis’ step-son, Douglas Gresham, has not only co-produced each of the movies, but also has had a cameo in both of em. Here’s a nice lil article on him growing up in the house of CS, but not about growing that awesome mustache of his

Death Became Them: CS Lewis died on the very same day that Kennedy was gunned down and Aldous Huxley kicked it, November 22nd, 1963

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Caspian is currently playing at a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…