picked the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2012

and now, for the only awards that matter…

9thishendith Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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The Death To Smoochy Würstest Picture AND The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Holy French Gar-bagé Film of the Year!!!!!

Holy Motors Shit

dishonrable mentions for also sucking a$$…

Hunger Lames & Hitchsucks

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Favoriteisteest Performance
of The Year
Barr None

Tara Lynne Barr

in the not so great God Bless America

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The 3rd Annual
Greta Grrr Wig
Recipient of The OK
This Joke/Career
Muss Be Stopped Now Award

Chris O’Dowd

we get it, you’re Irish, bearded, and loud, now go away

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Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Quvenzhané Wallis / The Impossible trio –  Tom Holland, Oaklee Pendergast & Samuel Joslin / David Rauchenberger /  Max Charles / Ella Purnell / Gulliver McGrath / Shannon Beer / Thomas Doret / Brady Hender and Nick Nervies (above) /  Judd Apatow’s kids

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The Samuel L Jackson Never Met A Script He Didn’t Like Guy of The Year

 

Bryan Cranston

who had 7 flix released in 2012!!

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Comeback of The Year

that wasn’t Rodriguez

The 1972 Warner Bros logo as seen in Argo and Magic Mike

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Facial Hair That Cares

tie  

Rory Cochrane in Argo

& James Spader in Lincoln 

bonus shout-out to
Marcel Herrand in 1945’s Les Enfants du Paradis

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Würstest Hitchcock
Impersonation/Make-Up Job
That Was More Like
A TV’s Batman Penguin
Impersonation/Embarrassment

Anthony Hopkins ‘as’ Hitchcock in Hitchsucks

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Würstest Baseball Play-By-Play Call
By A Former Member of ‘N Sync

Justin Timberlake
in Trouble With The Play-By-Play

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Bob’s Big Girls – The Bobbies!

Bae Donna as Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas 
+7 other winners!

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman = WOWWWWWW

Ali Cobrin showing off her American boobs in American Reunion [NSFW]

the Skyfall Bond Girls

that kid from Project X was in nerd porn [NSFW]

Marion Cotillard is rusty, but she bones without 2 legs [NSFW]

the hunt for naked Helen Hunt never ends!!! [NSFW]

Paperwoman

+

Apron We Wish Was
More Like AprOFF!!

Dreama Walker in an apron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with nothing else in Compliance

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Amanda Seyfried in Lez Snooze

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Heathcote Most Worth Bellaing

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s

Bella Heathcote

in Dark Shadows and Not Fade Away

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The LAC Daddy Mommy

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s
or Bella Heathcote’s 

Lauren Ashley Carter in Premium Rush

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Face Timeless

Tim McMullan’s face in The Woman In Black

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Miscecallous Things That Either Stepped Up or Stepped Down More Than Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows Did In Step-Up 99999-D 

everything about The Tin Drum

those Robot & Frank VGC-60L posters

remembering the forgotten McDonalds scenes
in the original Red Dawn

Bradley Cooper as a student asked Robert DeNiro a question on Inside The Actor’s Studio

The Ancient Booer is still alive!!!!!

trying to figure out what ‘Wuthering’ means

Bob Marley’s dad was a white dude

our Prometheus review

that poor kid with the fish lips

I keep forgetting that Crispin Glover didn’t play George McFly in Back to the Future II and III

and wait, Michael Keaton was originally in Purple Rose of Cairo??

farting and hand jobs do not need to be seen
in 70mm or even 1mm

jury’s still out on 48fps

an athletic center grows in a former movie palace in Brooklyn

goodbye Lucas, hello better new Star Wars

Warhol of Fame

Javier Dean Bardem Morgan

the American dumphole palace to end all dumphole palaces can be yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DB Sweeney retweeted our DB Sweeney tweet!!!!!

when is WB gonna let DB Sweeney @actordbsweeney make a DB Cooper biopic, sponsored by WB Mason, and soundtrack by BBD? — thigh masteя (@thighmaster) February 5, 2013

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Songs That Execute Butter Than Norman Mailer’s Bong Hobbit Pipe

anything by Rodriguez

‘Ici Londres’ and ‘Qui Aimes-tu?‘ by Chiara Mastroianni & Paul Schneider in Beloved (Les Bien Aimés)

‘Skyfall‘ by Adele

Les Surfs – ‘Tú serás mi baby (Be My baby)’ from Tabu

anything sung by Katpoop Everdeen

the theme from Django and Django Unchained

Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’ in Rust & Bone

Beasts of the Southern Wild soundtrack

The Cloud Atlas sextet

and my fav of the year…

‘Let My Baby Ride‘ in Holy Motors

and the würst

‘Señor Don Gato’ by Hani Furstenberg in The Loneliest Planet
(be thankful I can’t find a clip of it)

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor we are going back to naming our trailer award after him!)

 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

+

& the würst

& the würrstetst

& twinsies würsteresteserteestsers!!!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Devil Inside / Joyful Noise / Coriolanus / The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel / Rust and Bone /The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure / Frankenweenie / Here Comes the Boom / Fun Size / The Man with the Iron Fists / Jack Reacher

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Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award

(not limited to actors)

Wilfred Pickles / Pumpsie Green / Gonnie Baars / Bibhutibhushan Bandyopadhyay / Scoot McPoop / Billy Butts / Barend Barendse / Hella Kürty / Sky Low Low / Chill Wills / Cutter Dykstra / Poodles Hanneford / Tuffy Genders / Mimis Fotopoulos / Kittens Reichert / Toon Kortooms / Sal Pacino 

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Movies To Look For In The ‘013

Mexican remake of DC Cab 

Jiro Dreams of Dreama Walker

Project XI

Abraham Lincoln: Holly Hunter

12 Fast, 12 Furious

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In Memoriam

Vampire Baseball

+

Tony Scott & BorgNINEever & Ralph McQuarrie & Enduring Durning & Andy G & Dick D-AWESOME & Ben Gazzarra

+ 

Scary German Guy

don’t forget to peep out our ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

movies are amazing, and so are you 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Holy Motors
Un-General Motors
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 115 min

Nice try Leos Carax, but your film about a guy (Denis Lavant) taking on different roles & disguises for no reason is no Cloud Atlas.  It’s more like Crap Atlas.  It’s more like Inland Empire, but even more pretentious, pointless and worthless.  No, seriously, what is this movie about? Nothing, but this is what happened – the weird role changing guy gets picked up in a limo driven by Edith Scob (she of eyes and no face fame), and goes from place to place being different people for no explained reason and therefore, for no reason.  First stop involves some motion capture sex thing, then it’s off to being that redheaded homeless sewer guy who eats flowers that we previously met in that stupid Tokyo! anthology movie, and this time he’s eating even more flowers and gets to molest Eva Mendes, and then it’s time for the next gig which has him picking up his or someone’s daughter from a party and then yelling at her for being a wallflower, and then it’s time to kill someone that looks like him and then change into his clothing to pretend to be him dead, but then that guy stabs him or something, and then it’s off to be some old guy on his deathbed, and then off to some rooftop to hear Kylie Minogue sing in a crummy wig.  What a night!  OF WHATEVSNESS THAT SUCKS CAUSE IT HAS NO POINT OR PURPOSE BESIDES BEING SOME FRENCH MOVIE THAT ISN’T ALL IN FRENCH THAT IS PURE GARBAGE!!!  Then he finally goes home (as himself, or is it???  who cares!) to his family, a female ape wife and their lil ape child.  Er, um, OK.  Oh, and Holy Motors is a company or something, and at Holy Motors HQ, the limos sleep, and talk!  Limos talk, and no one’s brains will be blown away, cause the movie is taking a giant dump on your brain.  Wish we could sh!t on this movie, cause it’s the fcuking würst cause I said so.  Others think it’s genius, so they deserved to be pooped on too cause they is refarted

Oh wait, I forgot!  There was actually ONE awesome scene in the movie.  Hmmm, strange that I would remember all the dumb ones, but not the awesome one, but anywho, here it is (and yes, it too has no meaning or point, but it’s still awesome)

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Holy Motors is currently not fit to drive in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…