we somehow cobbled together the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2014

and now, for the only awards that matter…

hELlEVENth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!!

(aka – somehow a movie with a naked ScarJo ScarBLOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Under The Skin

dishonrable trash mentions that can hump my poo

Mockinglame Part 1 / Monuments Men / Chef

_

Cheesiest Fun Stinky Cheese
of The Year

the Jerseyness of Jersey Boys

_

Most Thighnamic Duo of The Year

Jean Pierre Napoleon (Ty Burrell) & Sam the Eagle

in Muppets Most Wanted

_

The 5th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

it goes without saying, but…

Sucks Muckfarlame

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
She Didn’t Like
Girl of The Year

 

Wendi McLendon-Covey

who had 8 flix released in 2014!!

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Gifs of the Gawds

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Hairing Is Caring

whatever was going on with Mark Ruffalo’s balding and bearding in Foxcatcher

_

Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The Bobbies!

girls in the bobbedhood!

_

 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

Katherine Waterston is our vice [NSFW]

 & 

this poster/Eva Green’s boobs

+

Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s super hot son Jack

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Scariest Eyes

Jake Gynnhahhanahalllahal!!!!

 in Nightcrawler

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Word I Still Can’t Pronounce

Maleficent

_

Face Timeless

this dude

from Under The Skin

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Juss Josh Baskin’ In These Sunny Miscellaneous Missile Missives That Are Da Bomb Shiz!

the only bitched @ swirth that matters, AGAIN!!!!!!!

ALT BTTF MCFLY SIBLING PICS!!

NAMEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The lady in the Columbia Pictures logo!!!!!!!!!

this guy painted these!!

36 Actors Hanging Out With Their Body Doubles

a more cartoony Snow White

Celluloid Paper Dolls

that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho

meeting the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

Ryan Gage’s Hobbit unibrow

Problem Children reunion

Goonies Never Stay Dead

Albert Finney shaves 2 become Daddy Warbucks

on the set & behind the scenes with Vivian Kubrick

Paul becoming Pee Wee

and Paging Mr Herman

DICK POOP!!!!!!!!

+

a spoiler on a spoiler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As A Normal Mailman

‘Big Eyes’ from the movie of the same name

The Double soundtrack

the theme from Interstellar

+

(more like MINUS)

the song that makes me wish I didn’t have ears

‘Hanging Tree’

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Nut Job / Fiston / How to Train Your Dragon 2 / Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie / Get On Up / Step Up: All In / Bang Bang!

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Chubby Johnson 

& Jet Jurgensmeyer 

& Gyp Decarlo 

& Googie Withers

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Movies To Look For In The ‘015

The Fault In Our Czars

 The Bok Choy Luck Club

14 Years A Slave

14 Fast, 14 Furious

_

In Memoriam

ROBIN FCUKING WILLIAMS :(

+

Taylor Negrone & Rod Taylor & La Dolce Vita fountainhead

Bacall

Luise Rainer & Ed Herrmann

Welcome to Jurassic Park

Elizabeth Peña

Mike Nichols

Bob Hoskins

the 7-Up guy

Maya & Giger & Gordon Willis

Tuco & Ruby Dee & Paul Mazursky & the dude from Raiders with the scimitar

Kiel!! Kiel!!! Kiel!!!!

+

Jan

&

Dim

& 

THE ANCIENT BOOER!!!!

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don’t forget to peep out our ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Cracks
Dropping The Pieces
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

‘Cracks’! What a great great word, and a great great title for a movie.  We wanna say it over and over – CRACKS CRACKS CRACKS CRACKS!!!!  And we wanted to love the movie Cracks, and not cause it was helmed by Jordan ‘daughter of Ridley’ Scott, cause as well all know, nepotism does not rule, despite what you think of Francis Ford’s daughter.  Alas, Cracks has its own cracks, besides the ones it presents, and while it tries to piece together the pieces, it cannot and remains kinda Crack-potted.  Maybe that’s one of the reason’s this thing’s been sitting on America’s shelf for 2 years

Not for a lack of trying, cause Scott’s take on Sheila Kohler‘s novel is overloaded with green gorgeosity.  It takes place at a remote all girls boarding school, surrounded by some of the dang dere lusciousistest green nooks and crannies that Ireland has to offer.  And the film revolves around Eva Green, who’s the mos beautiful of all the world’s greens!!!!

As an artsy sorta fartsy teacher, Green inspires her girls (all of them so delightful, we’re gonna list their names: Juno Temple, Imogen Poots, Ellie Nunn, Adele McCann, Zoe Carroll and Clemmie Dugdale) in a Ms Jean Brodie/Robin Williams Poets Society kinda way, but when a beautiful Spanish senorita (María Valverde, so beautiful that we drops some pics of her below) is shipped off to the school and joins the class, she becomes the object of desire and despisement, to both pupil and mentor.  Hotness!!  Then things get a bit Notes On A Scandalish and a tad Lord of The Fliesness, but it doesn’t really fly.  Notness!  Green’s character has a checkered ‘cracked’ past, but we know so little about it that it never helps us fully understand her motivations and actions

Unfortunately, this class has to be dismissed!  Yes, even despite a scene of everyone doing a bit of nekkid nightswimming, cause nightswimming deserves a quiet night!!! Or a slightly butter realized movie?

She Reigns In Spain & EVERYWHERE: oh MARÍA!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Cracks kinda falls thru itself this Friday in NY & LA, elsewhere elsewhen and On-Demand 3/23

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

love da poster!