The 2013 Thighsmans
27. Feb, 2014 
1 Comment
we pricked the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2013
and now, for the only awards that matter…
Judi Den10th Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards
aka
THE THIGHSMANS!!!
_
The Death To Smoochy Würstest Picture AND The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Pig Sh!t Film of the Year!!!!!
Upstream Color
dishonrable mentions for these movies for also sucking a$$ and making me really angry that they eggist
This Is The End & Don Jon & The Book Thief & The Bling Ring & Gangster Squad & I’m So Excited & Katsnooze II
_
Batsh!ttiest Un-Sh!tty Crazy/Beautiful Performances of The Year
Leo & Cate
in Wolf & Jasmine
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The 4th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award
Jay Baruchel
we get it, you’re scrawny, Canadian and have a dumb voice. Â now go away and take Seth Rogen with you
_
Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children
Jackson Nicoll / Joey King
and the würst
Nico Liersch
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The Samuel L Jackson Never Met A Script He Didn’t Like Guy of The Year
 
James Franco
who had 8+ flix released in 2013!!
_
Â
Gifs of the Gawds
_
Â
Hairing Is Caring
Cumberbatch’s Assange hair
tied for 2nd – everyone’s Hustle hair
tied for 3rd – the MUST-staches of Dallas Buyers Club
_
Würstest Date Movie of 2013
12 Years A Snooze
alternatively…
würstest Dates IN a movie
any of the ones involving humans in Her
_
Bob’s Big Girls – The Bobbies!
anything & everything in Gatsby +8 other winners!
_
Â
The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award
anything Vanessa Hudgens is doing in Spring Breakers
Margot Robbie makes us howl in Wolf [NSFW]
anything in Blue Is The Warmest Color (although we didn’t see it) [NSFW]
Lindsay Lohan’s cannons in The Canyons [NSFW]
Rosario Dawson puts us in a JO Trance [NSFW]
the revealing photos of Bettie Page in Bettie Page Reveals All [NSFW]
&Â
Leo’s butt candle
and the leastest…
her and his in the dark orgasms in Her
+
the sexification of Amy Adams in Hustle
juss stop it. Â she’s too nice to be sexy
_
Mish-Mash-Up of The Year
Oz Breakers by ME!!!
_
Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever
aka Bestest Eyes
Justine Lupe!!!!
 in Frances Ha
runner-up - Blanca Suárez
_
Most Ablixaiest Ablixa
Ablixa in Side Effects
_
Face Timeless
Dutch lawyer Emile Vrijman‘s face
seen in The Armstrong Lie
 _
Josh Baskin’ In These Sunny Miscellaneous Missile Missives That Are Da Bomb Shiz!
the only bitched @ swirth that matters!!!!!!!
AMC’s POOFY COMFY LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS AT THE MOVIES!!!!!!Â
the Her his line
the VFX of Gatsby
 Kellan Lutz IS orc Bolg
JD Salinger’s son was in Revenge of The Nerds!
David Cross has played both Allen Ginsburg AND his father
THOSE CRAZY SEXY COOL NASA’S SPACE COLONY ART THINGS FROM THE 1970S COME TO LIFE IN the so-so Elysium!!!
the awesomeness that is SpaceCamp!
the Death Star’s laser control room still exists!!!
Matt Zoller Seitz became like the new Jesus and we still have zero idea who he is
1933 was an incredible year for movies
that picture of Terrence Malick
this picture of Terrence Malick
the cameos of Harmony Korine
Picnic at Hanging Rock is crazed!!!!!
Danny Lloyd Torrance Lives!!!
Batman (1989)’s Flugelheim Museum
+
we still gay for JFGay
_
Songs That Execute Butter Than Norman Mailer’s Bong & Chong
‘Ordinary Love’ from the Mandela movie
Mayssa Karaa’s arabic rendtion of ‘White Rabbit’
‘Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites’ by Skrillex in Spring Breakers
Mike Patton’s haunting piano in Pines
&
the abso abso abso lute würstest be…
‘The Blue Umbrella Suite’ featuring Sarah Jaffe
_
Trailers Worth Tractoring
(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)
 
Spring Breakers / The Great Gatsby + remake of ’74 / Star Trek Into Darkness + the homemade one  / Her / Gravity / The Conjuring / The Wolf of Wall StreetÂ
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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!
Â
+Â
 the würst
& the würrstetst
& twinsies würsteresteserteestsers!!!
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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles
A Good Day to Die Hard /Â The Purge /Â My Little Pony: Equestria Girls /Â The To Do List /Â The Canyons /Â Jobs /Â Inside Llewyn Davis /Â Out of the Furnace
_
Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award
June Squibb / Raphaël Personnaz / Topsy Chapman
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Movies To Look For In The ‘014
World War ZZ Topps
The Haunting in Connecticut 3: Ghosts of Miami of Ohio
The Even Greater Gatsby
Othello (based off of the board game)
Korben Dallas Buyers Club
13 Years A Slave
13 Fast, 13 Furious
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In Memoriam
Temple of the Smile
+
O’Toole & Fontaine & Phil Sey Mo & Ramis & Sid & Paul Walker & Mrs Peacock & Dennis F%&king Farina & The Albino from P-Bride & Gandolfini & stop motion sick-ness & Ebert
&
Mr LittleJeans / Pagoda
_
don’t forget to peep out our ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!!Â
if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls
until next thyme the balcony is clothed…
