we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2017

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Fourteenthial Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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Thing In A Movie That Pissed Me Off More Than Urinating In and/or On My Own Pants

trying to make Rose from Star Wars
The Last Jedi a thing

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Second Thing In A Movie That Pissed Me Off More Than Urinating In and/or On My Own Pants AND That Wasn’t Leia Flying In Space

the environmental message of freeing the DUMBo animals in Last Jedi

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The 8th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The You Think You’re An Actress And Maybe You Are But You Annoy The Living Bejesus Out Of Me Every Time I See You On Screen And I Want You Gone So Please Stop Acting Award

go away

Lily James & her teef

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

 

Dan Stevens

who had SEVEN flix released in 2017!!

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Gifs of the Gawds

anything Rihanna was doing in Valerian

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Begging For More Begbie

there is nothing better than Begbie, the best part of Trainspotting 2

so forget about making a 3rd one and just make a stand alone Begbie movie please

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Bob’s Big Girls (& Boys)
aka
The 2017 Bobbies!

these bobbies are darin!

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Eiza González

 & 

Anjela Nedyalkova

 & 

Hot Aunt May

 & 

Gosling’s sister’s rack

 & 

 Salacious B Crumb sitting on a toilet, reading Playboy

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Ana de Armas 

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FOAM Alone!

aka hottest NON-human part of any movie

the foam from Dunkirk

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Hairing Is Caring AND Sexy

Come for the tennis, and then literally COME watching this hairdressing scene!!!

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Würstest BESTEST Date Movie/Witherspoonfest
of 2017

I can’t believe I typed this

Home Again

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Best Boys On The Side Player

THIS GUY!!!!

 from I, Tonya

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Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As Norman Bates

The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – ‘Bellbottoms’ in Baby Driver (somehow I forgot this song existed)

hologram Elvis in Blade Runner 2049

Bowie’s In Space

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

It Comes at Night / Marrowbone / The Girl with All the Gifts / All Nighter / Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie / The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Ninja N. Devoe

Flint Beverage

&
David Buttolph

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Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

i made all these Kao Kan gifs for you

this logo

Why I Love David Fincher’s Zodiac

where leia’s hair buns
were inspired from

Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones and Sean Young as Marion Ravenwood!!!!!!!!

Eworks on Ice!

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Movies To Look For In The ‘018

 

Four Billboards Outside of Branson, Missouri

Boss Toddler

DiPs

Hello Robin Christopher

The Man Who Invented Hanukkah

Rebel in the Pumpernickel

17 Fast, 17 Furious

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In Memoriam

too many great names to name, so we’ll just leave it like this

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don’t forget to peep out our  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Darkest Hour
Puff, Puff, Pass
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 125 min

How do you like your war movies?  Things that go boom?  Or do you prefer endless talking, in a cloud of endless cigar smoke?  If you prefer the latter, then STEP RIGHT UP to Joe Wright‘s Darkest Hour, which can certainly talk the endless talk, but the movie has zero WALK.  OK, that’s not true – there’s a LOT of walking.  If the Winston Churchill of this movie had a Fitbit on his wrist, he would be so proud by the amount of steps taken by the end of the film 

But would the real Churchill be proud of the performance that Gary Oldman attempts?  LARGE SHOES (and not juss cause Winnie’s overweight), and Oldman can always go larger than life (or shoes), but I didn’t buy it at all.  The whole time watching, me like – is that what Winston Churchill was like?  Some dude in terrible make-up, who’s prone to overracting in order to get Gary his 2nd ever Academy Award nomination???? No thanks  

Also, in this war movie – WHERE’S THE WAR?????  What went on in Dunkirk gets a mention, and when it does, me like – man, I wish I could juss watch Dunkirk instead of this!!! 

Lost in all the blubbery make-up (and the really dumb and cheesy secretary character played by Lily James) are two things I really liked – learning what happened to Neville Chamberlain (a scared looking Ronald Pickup) after he stepped aside for Churchill, and seeing what a restrained Ben Mendelsohn looks like.  He plays King George VI, without much of a stammer, but I loved the performance.  A better acting exercise woulda been to scarp this movie and juss remake The King’s Speech, but with Mendelsohn stuttering instead of Colin Firth.  I mean, they made two Capote movies, and both were great!  They could have named the Mendelsohn one – Gawd Save The Qqqqqqqueeen

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Darkest Hour clocks in today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Baby Driver
iPod Racing
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 113 min

Lets face it - Edgar Wright isn’t THAT great of a director, but man, does that guy certainly try to direct the fcuk out of his movies, and man, does he sure like to have fun, and hopes that you will too.  I’ve sorta had fun seeing all of his films (he’s definitely good at ideas and decent at humor), but I have only truly loved one of them – Hot Fuzz. I didn’t LOVE love his latest – Baby Driver – but it was certainly fun (and more fun but not nearly as good as the seriously driven Drive was), and it was certainly better than all of his other (non-Fuzzy) films that juss weren’t quite there

Had Baby Driver been directed by someone else, say Guy Ritchie or Matthew Vaughn, or even the the Wachowskis, this could have been something momentous.  Ritchie or Vaughn could have made it more polished, and taken the tongue with the cheek, instead of juss being mostly a wagging tongue.  The Wachowskis failed with Speed Racer, but I think they would have soared with the keys to Baby Driver.  Directed by Edgar, the film felt not quite Wright (the car driving scenes in particular didn’t seem overly fast nor furious enuff), but as a whole, it was better than OK, and that’s… OK, cause I really liked the main character – A LOT!  Juss wish the presentation was more presentable, + all the side attractions needed more traction to them

Speaking of the man and the man who played him - Baby Driver IS Ansel Elgort‘s young Han Solo movie.  A finalist for the role he didn’t get, Elgort does super fine as a slick and cool maverick pilot (of a car) flying/driving into the heart of danger, and coming out of it each and every time barely alive, but even slicker and cooler than he was before!  He even wears a jacket that’s very Han-y Solo-ish

Dude – Baby Driver IS Ansel Elgort As Young Han Solo The Movie!!!

But what about everything else?

The movie is all about the soundtrack, and while there are some choice cuts (‘Harlem Shuffle’, Blur’s ‘Intermission’, the Beach Boys’ ‘Let’s Go Away For Awhile’), a lot of the other choices were either too obvious, kinda forgettable, or didn’t match the speed of the car/action.  If I ever made a movie, and had a car chase in it, I would certainly use Gnarls Barkley’s ‘Run’.  But I’m probably not going to make a movie, so I’ll juss be critical of people who do make em!

loved the Michael Meyers mask joke, juss wish it wasn’t ruined for me in the trailer

Lily James is a peach as baby’s babe, but maybe a bit too syrupy sweet

Kevin Spacey somehow doesn’t chew enough of the scenery as you think he would

Jon Hamm is likable, and then becomes detestable – and who wants to endure an unlikable Jon Hamm?

Jamie Foxx – I dunno what he was, but I could barely understand any of his lines of dialog, so he didn’t really register with me

Speaking of a foxx…

HUBBA BUBBA YUBBA HUMMANANA HUMMMMMANA AY DIOS MIO 

Eiza González!!!!!

Verdictgo: juss enuff to make it a Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Baby goes into overDriver currently at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Exception
Outside of Prussia, With Love
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 107 min

Whatever happened to Kaiser Wilhelm II, the last Emperor of Germany??  Never thought to ask this question, but glad David Leveaux‘s The Exception gives us an answer (wrapped in a love story of sorts)!

After World War I came to an end, so did the Kaiser’s rule over his homeland.  He left Germany for good and lived in exile in nearby Netherlands starting in the 1920s.  The film begins in 1940, with Wilhem (Christopher Plummer, relishing the role and facial hair) and wife Victoria (a forever sneering Janet McTeer) holed up in a lovely Dutch estate, Huis Doorn.  While they fine drink and dine, Europe begins to unravel under the Nazi menace.  When Holland comes under their rule, the former Kaiser does too

Enter too cool for school soldier Captain Stefan Brandt (Jai Courtney), who has been assigned to watch over Wilhem at the estate.  He doesn’t seem to love his assignment, or life as a Nazi, but duty is duty.  Luckily there’s a looker in the maid’s staff (Lily James), and within 3 seconds of meeting her in his private quarters, he’s having his way with her privates.  OH SNAP!!

Turns out, she’s no simple maid, but a Jew!  And maybe a spy!!!  Oh my!!  What’s going to happen???  Will they continue to have sex, even though she’s a Jew and he’s a Nazi, AND fornication between the grounds’ staff is strictly forbidden???  Can Captain Stefan ignore the Kaiser’s bad-mouthing of Hitler and his horrible henchmen, or will he report his loose lips to Berlin?  What’s gonna happen when Heinrich Himmler (Eddie Marsan) comes to dinner?  Will he ask K-Willy to come back to Germany and be a monarch once again, like he and the wife have been dreaming of???  WHAT WILL HAPPEN????  Oh my!!  OH MY!!!

While the romance seems a little forced upon the proceedings, the Kaiser stuff and eventual spy intrigue that plays out held my attention til the end.  Sure, it was a little hard to root for main characters who were anti-Semitic at heart, but it’s not a rule, just THE EXCEPTION to the rule!!! (get it???)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

make an Exception, currently on Direct TV, and in a limited theatrical release on June 2nd

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…